Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

A Long December

"A long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last... "

There's nothing like a 90's song to say just exactly what you're feeling and didn't know how to say. I love Counting Crows!! And boy, was December a long month for me.

I guess I've just been struggling lately, and maybe I've been too proud to admit it. But I don't mind admitting it now. Really, I'm confused and scared and just plain old lost with some recent situations in my life. I miss my friends terribly... it seems everyone got busy right when I most needed people to have time in their lives for me. It always seems to go that way, though. Life will never be perfect. Mine will never be, anyway... I know that much at least.

I feel like I need a good children's series to throw myself into. Or a vacation. Or just... I don't know. I'm desperate for companionship and real conversation. I need a fresh perspective and a clear head. I need to be writing. I need to do some artwork. I just need to reconnect with myself somehow. I need to believe in the impossible again. And I don't know how to get back there. But I want so much to feel like myself again! I've been pretty disconnected lately, like I'm being pulled in a hundred directions and none of them seem like the right one.

As weird as it may sound, because I do love the Christmas season, I'm glad the holidays are over. I'm ready for life to feel stable again, and it hasn't for quite some time.

I drove to my hometown over New Years to spend time with friends, and also to have time to myself in the car for so many hours, to think through some stuff, and it was great. I love roadtrips. It started snowing on the way back through Knoxville, and it was so beautiful I cried. I guess I had forgotten about snow, in the midst of my trying to figure out my life. And at one point it was all coming straight towards my car, or I was going towards it, like I was flying a spaceship through a great snow universe, and I really did feel like I was flying for a minute.

No matter how hard things get, I love life. I don't think that will ever change as long as I can see an entire universe in a snowstorm. God sure knew what he was doing when he gave me my imagination...

Another line in the song I quoted above says: "I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass..."

So true. And I do try to hold on, but they always slip through my fingers. And time just seems to go faster and faster the older you get... I wonder what we're rushing towards? I hope I lived the moments well before they were gone. At least I'll know I tried. And God help me if I'm doing it all wrong, but I think I can say with confidence that I tried to live this well. If there's something missing, I've always suspected it but never known how to find it. So what else do you do but keep on living as best you can?

I hope this all makes sense tomorrow. I guess I shouldn't worry so much. I just... don't want to miss anything else. I feel like I missed out on so much when I was growing up. I just don't want to miss out anymore...

Maybe I should sort out my thoughts first, and then try to write them. Hopefully next time. I guess that's it for now.

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