Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

This New Day

This is my favorite place in the world so far... I guess it's not really a "place," more like an occurrence. But I love it when I have some free time, a cup of coffee nearby, and a computer in front of me, waiting for me to write. Sometimes the computer is replaced by the old-fashioned journal-and-pen, but you get the gist. :)

Life got a little nuts for me this month, but I think I'm starting to get my thoughts in order again, and that's a very good thing. Today I'm happy to be alive... not just okay with it, but happy. Previously I was only okay with it, so this is definitely an improvement. I think I started forgetting about the really important things and it was really getting me down...

So I'm working on coming back to life, and in time, healing my motivation. I used to be an artist, and volunteer regularly, and I used to go walking just for fun, and I used to read a lot, and plan fun events where people could get together, and write little notes for people, and all sorts of things I never do anymore. I don't know why I never do them anymore, but I want to change it all immediately. Is it weird to miss yourself? Because I think I miss myself a little bit.

Somewhere along the way I got caught up in an aspect of life I never intended to be caught up in, and it's a very dark place. Somehow I started coping with life instead of living it, and managing relationships instead of enjoying them. I started trying to figure everything and everyone out instead of appreciating them for who they are. I started trying to save people instead of simply loving them, and letting Christ do what he does best...

Basically, I've been trying to do life on my own, to make my life stable on my own, to fit all the pieces together, and write my own story, and fashion my own happy ending... make my dreams come to life somehow. And I've been miserable, because that's not possible. I don't really know what I was thinking. But the important thing is, I know better now, and I can see a little more clearly, and I can be working on changing things instead of giving up and accepting them.

I can't change the past, but I can try to do today a little better, and tomorrow even better than that. I don't really know where to start, but maybe things will become even more clear as I move in the direction I know I'm supposed to be moving in.

At least I can start the day off with hope. That seems to be such a rare thing in this world. But hope moves people when it is allowed to bloom. You can't ignore it when it has come alive in someone... and that's what I want most of all right now. To let hope live in me in such a way that it becomes contagious to the people around me... What a beautiful thing that would be!

I can't say I don't regret where I've been walking lately, but this is a new day, and all the old days have passed away and won't be coming back. There is consolation in that, if nothing else. And this day, this brand new day, is saturated with possibility...

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Early Morning Thoughts

I woke up early this morning because I've had a lot on my mind, and the pale light of sunrise was filtering through the window, and I had that urge to write that I always regret resisting. So here I am. If this weren't a weekend, I'd be arriving at work right now, sitting in my car for those last few minutes, taking that "I can do this" kind of deep breath before resigning myself to go inside and sit in front of that computer...

Thank goodness for Saturdays and three-day weekends. I was about to lose my mind.

I've been a pretty mixed up individual lately. I've been tired and sad and a little emotionally unstable, and I can't even entirely understand why. Not to say that good things have not been happening in my life. But my heart always jumps to my sleeve, so it ends up being the first to receive all the blows, it seems. I've always been fairly vulnerable emotionally. Its one of those things people love about me, and one of the reasons people trust me so quickly, I guess, and probably the main source of my struggle to survive every day. Ironic, really.

It is going to be really hard to stay alive and vibrant in an office environment. I can already tell. It is going to be hard to hold out for a really good guy, especially when I'm not even convinced that what I'm looking for exists. Its going to be hard to keep bringing this broken heart to Christ, when I know he's only going to dig deeper into my past and my motives and my sins and my heartaches...

I know he's going to make me more and more vulnerable. And I don't know how to trust him right now. I keep trying to push him away the way I have done the other guys in my life. I guess the difference is, they finally get scared and go, because they're human (and I can be a little psycho sometimes).... and he... I guess I'm not entirely sure what he'll do. But he hasn't given up on me yet. So I don't know what to do next.

I'm tired right now, but just going back to bed won't help, because its not that kind of tired. I guess you could say I'm soul-tired right now. And everyone can see it. I hate that. I can't have just one lousy day of being sad without everyone knowing about it, because it's written all over my face and in my mannerisms and comes out in every word I speak. So everyone knows, and then I just feel stupid. And then I end up hurting people because I'm trying to stuff down my emotions, and when I'm doing that I'm not as emotionally sensitive to others, to what they're feeling and thinking... and then I see that look on their face, and realize that I've hurt someone else I care about while trying to protect myself. It feels like an endless cycle right now. And I hate it.

All I really want is for people to not treat me like I'm broken. That's what I really want. Like, I wouldn't care that everyone knew I was hurting if people would just act normal around me. You know, take me out for a beer or a coffee or whatever, talk life, and let it go. I get so sick of those sympathetic eyes and dramatic reactions to my sarcasm, like I'm going off the deep end or something. Not really, guys. I'll probably survive. I've been through much worse than this, trust me...

If only people knew.

But they shouldn't know. What's happened to me is something God must feel I can handle... with him. I just don't know how to trust him yet.

I still haven't decided if I like my life or not. I'm still waiting to see if he really does want me or if I'm just another girl... I'm sick of being replaceable. I couldn't stand for him to break my heart in the end... not him... not after all the other guys have...

If he betrays you, what else is there?

Anyway, I've got a long day ahead of me. I'm getting furniture today, and I'm not sure where the crap it's all going to fit... I'll write more when I get settled in.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The Daily Grind

Its snowing outside right now. I can't see it from where I'm sitting, even though I'm by a window, because the glare from my lamp is too bright. But I can feel it. I knew it was snowing even before I looked outside... softly drifting to the earth from who knows where...

Time passes much too quickly these days. I spent nearly the entire day, 8-5, sitting in front of a computer, doing something that... kind of... matters. I really need the money, and the peace of mind, so I guess it's worth it in the end. I guess it's worth it. But there is so little time left for everything else... just enjoying the sunshine, or the snow.

How do we live this way, I wonder? When we were created for Eden, how do we live this way at all?

I haven't been able to understand life lately. Everything I was taught and everything I believe does not fit into the context of my reality. I don't understand anymore. And yet, the snow falls, and I remember things I had forgotten... things you can't just "know" but somehow know by heart. Is it just because I'm a poet? Will I ever fit somewhere? Will I ever comprehend what the snow is supposed to tell us about life?

The truth is, our lifespans here are short. And being a Christian has made me delay a lot of life in pursuit of holiness, or purity, or whatever you want to call it. But I wonder sometimes... will I ever make it to the context where we were meant to enjoy life? Will I live long enough to have lived my life at all? I wonder sometimes. I wonder if this is what Jesus meant when he said "life abundant." I wonder, as I sit in front of a computer and try to figure out how do my job well, what I was really created to do from 8 to 5 every day...?

Perhaps I am thinking too hard, and this is merely a season of my life, and I am putting way too much pressure on myself. But I want to live it well. I want every second to count. I want, so much, to find my purpose and live it well. I don't want to waste any more time.

Is it a waste of time to just do your job, to do what's been put before you to do, without question? Should I be looking for something better or making the best of what I have right in front of me in this season? I don't know. I don't understand the purpose of it all right now. And that is so frustrating.

Will God show me the answers to these, or do I have to go out and find them? I wish I knew...

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Somewhere in My Broken Heart

I wonder sometimes why I've always been so different. I wonder why God wanted a Jo in the world? Was I supposed to do something specific, or...

Am I missing something? I don't understand life today. I just want to go home right now, and I don't even know where that is. I just want to feel safe again. I want to go somewhere where I won't wear my heart on my sleeve and get hurt all the time. I wonder if there is a place like that?

I wish I knew what I'm meant to write about. I know there's something. I've always known that I've been put here to write a story... somebody's story... maybe fictional, maybe not. But I can't find it. Maybe I missed it. Maybe I'm wrong about the whole writer thing. Maybe I'm not meant to be anything at all. Maybe I've just been deceived this whole time.

Maybe one day it will all make sense... but I doubt it. I think I'm sick of random. I want structure in my life desperately. I want solidity. I want a firm foundation. I want unconditional love. I want to not have to worry about tomorrow. I want to be so cherished that I can't even remember life before cherishing... so much so that I can't even remember negative thoughts.

I want to be pretty. I don't remember feeling so cute around a guy as I did with... him. And now he's gone. Moved on to the next girl. I don't really know what to say. I guess I'm grieving right now. I can't believe that it hurts this much. I didn't even hurt this much with my last relationship, which lasted nearly three years...

But I think I really fell hard this time. It's the first time I really let myself believe in a relationship in a long time. It's the first time I've trusted a guy to take care of me. I wish I wasn't such a stupid little kid sometimes, when it comes to believing in things. I wish I didn't throw my heart out to everyone who happens to pass by and glance my direction. But I am being hard on myself again, which I always tend to do when I'm hurting.

I'm probably going to keep saying hateful and unhelpful things so I should just call it a day and get to bed. God help me make it through another night...

There's a line from an old song that says: "I think I can still find the will to keep going, somewhere in my broken heart..."

Monday, January 7, 2008

A Variety of Things

I must learn to remind myself that it's the little things in life that make it worthwhile. I just made myself a plate of "variety sandwiches" on my favorite bread (King's Hawaiian Rolls) and couldn't believe how effectively it lifted my melancholy mood. Variety sandwiches consist of several very small sandwiches, in this case turkey, with different condiments on them. I was out of tomatoes, so I made one with mayonnaise and salt, one with honey mustard and cheese, and one with a spicy teriyaki ginger sauce, and they were all wonderful. When I have vegetables, there is even more variety to choose from. Its something I've recently started doing, and I love it. I've discovered yet another family tradition for my so far non-existent family. Yay. But cheers to the simple pleasure of a good meal, after a definite Monday.

So life's been a little scattered and hard for me lately. I've gotten myself into one of those situations where you don't know quite how you got there, and you're not quite sure if you are or are not supposed to be there, and you definitely don't know how to get yourself out again. And, as in all matters of the heart, there's no way out without a little heartache. Potentially even big heartache. Again. And of course I'm not ready for that, but of course I've gotten myself in too deep and I've now got to choose between types of heartache instead of heartache or none.

Will my life always be this way? Is this the curse of the passionate personality type? Is this the cost of being alive and vulnerable? It may well be. If it is, I wouldn't trade it for anything. But how I wish my life could just run smoothly for once. How I wish this could be simple and just work out this time... just this once.

But I don't think it will. And not because God is cruel and heartless, but just because... I don't know. Life just goes that way. We're all stuck here together, with the same old mess. I guess some of us cope with it better than others, but really we're all just stuck, and that's that. I've tried to make the best of it. But even variety sandwiches and coffee and fleece blankets and all the good things in life can't cure the brokenness of the world. And I feel like I'm stuck right in the middle of it all.

And the right thing is never the easy thing... I don't think in any case. And it's even harder when you're not sure what's truly the "right thing" and what's just legalism. And I lived with that for so, so long... how do I know I'm not just living that again? How do I know I'm not just afraid to live my life? How do I know this wouldn't work out in the end if I just gave it a chance?

I don't know. I don't feel like I know anything of value tonight. I wish I could be a little wiser and wear a little less of my heart on my sleeve. Maybe that's what God's working on with me... maybe he's just using a real-life example to convince me of why it really is a bad idea. I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much.

I wish, for once, that a good thing would come into my life and actually stay. That's the hardest part to me. Everything is so temporary. And I always give my heart to things and to people who don't stay. And I always wanted my heart to be enough to make a man stay. Not just catch his attention, not just thrill him for a little while and make him wonder, but actually be enough to make him stop in his tracks and just... stay.

But I guess that dream has to be kept on the waiting list for now. God must have other things to do right now. Your call is important to us, please stay on the line...


I hope one day it all makes sense. I hope, in the end, that I'm glad that I'm me, and I'm glad I was given this crazy heart, and I'm glad that I made the choices I made... I hope I'm not old and alone and sitting somewhere wishing I had lived my life while I had the chance. Either way it's a risk. I'm just hoping God notices me in the midst of this big crazy world, and realizes that I haven't really been taken care of just yet... that there's this one little dream left unfulfilled in my life, that I want much more than any of the others... I just hope he sees that.

I'm sure he does, though. He's God. Of course he sees. So for now I guess I'll be grateful for the variety of things that have been given to me thus far. And I'll keep on coming up with the little things, that will hopefully make the future I've been waiting for more than just a little bit extraordinary. Let's just hope I'm not wrong.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

A Long December

"A long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last... "

There's nothing like a 90's song to say just exactly what you're feeling and didn't know how to say. I love Counting Crows!! And boy, was December a long month for me.

I guess I've just been struggling lately, and maybe I've been too proud to admit it. But I don't mind admitting it now. Really, I'm confused and scared and just plain old lost with some recent situations in my life. I miss my friends terribly... it seems everyone got busy right when I most needed people to have time in their lives for me. It always seems to go that way, though. Life will never be perfect. Mine will never be, anyway... I know that much at least.

I feel like I need a good children's series to throw myself into. Or a vacation. Or just... I don't know. I'm desperate for companionship and real conversation. I need a fresh perspective and a clear head. I need to be writing. I need to do some artwork. I just need to reconnect with myself somehow. I need to believe in the impossible again. And I don't know how to get back there. But I want so much to feel like myself again! I've been pretty disconnected lately, like I'm being pulled in a hundred directions and none of them seem like the right one.

As weird as it may sound, because I do love the Christmas season, I'm glad the holidays are over. I'm ready for life to feel stable again, and it hasn't for quite some time.

I drove to my hometown over New Years to spend time with friends, and also to have time to myself in the car for so many hours, to think through some stuff, and it was great. I love roadtrips. It started snowing on the way back through Knoxville, and it was so beautiful I cried. I guess I had forgotten about snow, in the midst of my trying to figure out my life. And at one point it was all coming straight towards my car, or I was going towards it, like I was flying a spaceship through a great snow universe, and I really did feel like I was flying for a minute.

No matter how hard things get, I love life. I don't think that will ever change as long as I can see an entire universe in a snowstorm. God sure knew what he was doing when he gave me my imagination...

Another line in the song I quoted above says: "I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass..."

So true. And I do try to hold on, but they always slip through my fingers. And time just seems to go faster and faster the older you get... I wonder what we're rushing towards? I hope I lived the moments well before they were gone. At least I'll know I tried. And God help me if I'm doing it all wrong, but I think I can say with confidence that I tried to live this well. If there's something missing, I've always suspected it but never known how to find it. So what else do you do but keep on living as best you can?

I hope this all makes sense tomorrow. I guess I shouldn't worry so much. I just... don't want to miss anything else. I feel like I missed out on so much when I was growing up. I just don't want to miss out anymore...

Maybe I should sort out my thoughts first, and then try to write them. Hopefully next time. I guess that's it for now.