Somewhere in My Broken Heart

I wonder sometimes why I've always been so different. I wonder why God wanted a Jo in the world? Was I supposed to do something specific, or...

Am I missing something? I don't understand life today. I just want to go home right now, and I don't even know where that is. I just want to feel safe again. I want to go somewhere where I won't wear my heart on my sleeve and get hurt all the time. I wonder if there is a place like that?

I wish I knew what I'm meant to write about. I know there's something. I've always known that I've been put here to write a story... somebody's story... maybe fictional, maybe not. But I can't find it. Maybe I missed it. Maybe I'm wrong about the whole writer thing. Maybe I'm not meant to be anything at all. Maybe I've just been deceived this whole time.

Maybe one day it will all make sense... but I doubt it. I think I'm sick of random. I want structure in my life desperately. I want solidity. I want a firm foundation. I want unconditional love. I want to not have to worry about tomorrow. I want to be so cherished that I can't even remember life before cherishing... so much so that I can't even remember negative thoughts.

I want to be pretty. I don't remember feeling so cute around a guy as I did with... him. And now he's gone. Moved on to the next girl. I don't really know what to say. I guess I'm grieving right now. I can't believe that it hurts this much. I didn't even hurt this much with my last relationship, which lasted nearly three years...

But I think I really fell hard this time. It's the first time I really let myself believe in a relationship in a long time. It's the first time I've trusted a guy to take care of me. I wish I wasn't such a stupid little kid sometimes, when it comes to believing in things. I wish I didn't throw my heart out to everyone who happens to pass by and glance my direction. But I am being hard on myself again, which I always tend to do when I'm hurting.

I'm probably going to keep saying hateful and unhelpful things so I should just call it a day and get to bed. God help me make it through another night...

There's a line from an old song that says: "I think I can still find the will to keep going, somewhere in my broken heart..."