Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Somewhere in My Broken Heart

I wonder sometimes why I've always been so different. I wonder why God wanted a Jo in the world? Was I supposed to do something specific, or...

Am I missing something? I don't understand life today. I just want to go home right now, and I don't even know where that is. I just want to feel safe again. I want to go somewhere where I won't wear my heart on my sleeve and get hurt all the time. I wonder if there is a place like that?

I wish I knew what I'm meant to write about. I know there's something. I've always known that I've been put here to write a story... somebody's story... maybe fictional, maybe not. But I can't find it. Maybe I missed it. Maybe I'm wrong about the whole writer thing. Maybe I'm not meant to be anything at all. Maybe I've just been deceived this whole time.

Maybe one day it will all make sense... but I doubt it. I think I'm sick of random. I want structure in my life desperately. I want solidity. I want a firm foundation. I want unconditional love. I want to not have to worry about tomorrow. I want to be so cherished that I can't even remember life before cherishing... so much so that I can't even remember negative thoughts.

I want to be pretty. I don't remember feeling so cute around a guy as I did with... him. And now he's gone. Moved on to the next girl. I don't really know what to say. I guess I'm grieving right now. I can't believe that it hurts this much. I didn't even hurt this much with my last relationship, which lasted nearly three years...

But I think I really fell hard this time. It's the first time I really let myself believe in a relationship in a long time. It's the first time I've trusted a guy to take care of me. I wish I wasn't such a stupid little kid sometimes, when it comes to believing in things. I wish I didn't throw my heart out to everyone who happens to pass by and glance my direction. But I am being hard on myself again, which I always tend to do when I'm hurting.

I'm probably going to keep saying hateful and unhelpful things so I should just call it a day and get to bed. God help me make it through another night...

There's a line from an old song that says: "I think I can still find the will to keep going, somewhere in my broken heart..."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I believe that your writing is beautiful. There is no doubt in my mind that you will be an amazing author. When i read your words tears came to my eyes because i have had many similar thoughts recently. I look forward to reading what you have to offer in the near future. I know you will do well.
- a reader