Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

To Stand and Wait

I need to give myself a break. It has become abundantly clear to me by now. In fact, I need it so badly that God is practically forcing it on me....

"Rest, child..." He keeps saying. I won't do it. So then my job sends me to work from home. He takes away about a billion distractions I had struggled to fill the emptiness with and says: "Rest." I don't like it. I don't like the silence; the being alone with myself. I don't like my mess. I don't like spinning my wheels. "I want to be DOING something!!" I frequently remind Him. I pray for other jobs. I ask about marriage. I fight, I yell. I squirm and cry.

I don't like it. But that's all He's really giving me right now....

I succumb. Lately I've just been giving in. Its not as bad as I had feared. There are just lots of things I need to work on, and I know it. And positive growth feels like it takes so very long. Worth it, in the end, I have no doubt. But... I am twenty-seven already... why must it take so long?

This is not the fun part. I am living with an open wound, and it hurts. He's opened me up, and is cleaning everything out... I am fully aware of the pain of having all my weaknesses, insecurities, and bad habits exposed to the elements. And what's worse... to the eyes of those around me. An absolutely nightmare, to a desperate approval-seeker such as myself.

Will it ever be over? I know I will never "arrive" but will there, someday, be a day when I'm all cleaned out and healed up and moving forward into a beautiful life...? Will I be able to write, to love, to help others someday?

I search daily for that Gateway to Hope. I ache to abandon the master/worker relationship, and move into something much, much more intimate. I don't want to miss a second of real relationship with Him. And I realize... that is also His desire. How ironic that I find resting to be such hard work. For me, this resting and trusting is the hardest path I have yet chosen. But what else really matters?

I am anxious for a season of action, a season of change. I am anxious for love to be a verb, and not just a fictional ideal. I am oh, so anxious for Hope to come to me again, and repair the wings on these dreams of mine...

How long, O Lord?

Once again, I am reminded to be still, and know Him as my God.

They also serve, who only stand and wait...

Sunday, August 23, 2009


I would love to have an original topic to work with, but my brain is still in "search" mode, and nothing is coming up on the page. I suppose that might require that I change something about my life... which I may be close to doing... but I want to wait until I've actually done it before I try writing about it... we shall see.

I love writing. Everything from the sound of the keys to the gentle transformation of words from brain to fingers to page. Half the time I feel like someone else is writing for me, as if these aren't even my thoughts. The muse takes over, and all I have to do is what it tells me, and new life is born. Sovereignty is beautiful and terrifying.

I am trying to write a children's book. Harder than it looks, let me tell you. I have a fantastic title, but that's as far as I've gotten with it so far. I've actually started at least a dozen writing projects recently, with high hopes, and no follow-through. I guess that's a step up from not starting them at all... I guess.

I have a lot of questions that still remain unanswered. I suppose we all do. I still don't know if I'm supposed to conjure up a story through my stress and anxiety and never-ending self doubt, or if one day it will just come to me... and things will never be the same...

I still get up every single morning, and long for the answer...

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Gateway to Hope

"But I will win her back again;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her there.
I will return her vineyards to her
and transform the Valley of Trouble
into a gateway to hope.
And she will sing again
as in the days of her youth...
In that day, declares the Lord,
you will call me 'my husband'
instead of 'my master'..."
Hosea 2

I made it to a milestone today, and thought it was worth mentioning, since the last few posts have mainly been comical complaining. Yesterday I decided I had had enough of my mess, and took the entire day off today to clean it. I got a LOT done, but there is still a bit left to do. As in all things, I must keep on keeping on...

But the point is, that I finally did it, and the decision was mine. Truth be told, so much of my past was wrapped up in all that junk, that going through it was harder than most people realize or understand. But now I feel like I am putting it to rest, and moving on to that great, unknown future that God has set before me. He knows what I am hoping comes next... but...

For now I am just anxious for this valley to transform...

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Cat Lady in Training?

I truly hate being discontent, but I have grown frustrated with my story this season. And that is putting it nicely :) As I told one of my best friends last night, I'd have stopped reading if it weren't my own damn life.

So many questions. It all comes down to not knowing who I am, or why I am, or what my purpose will be. I could write such a better story if I knew the answers to these questions...

I hurt.

One of the men that I most respect in life, a former professor at my college, used to tell me that in all the best stories, the hero doesn't come until the very last minute... when it seems all hope is lost. So I suppose every story has to have an "all hope is lost" before it gets to the good part. But reading it and living it are very different things.

Honestly, I often don't even feel like the heroine in my own story. I am the dopey side-kick, the best friend, the bridesmaid... the comic relief. And every story needs that... but... I had hoped for greater things.

Yesterday I was with two close girl friends in a coffee shop, and we were talking and laughing and being ridiculous, and being real. And I made the statement that I am so confused about life, because I know in this culture I am supposed to be a "career woman," but I really don't fit the mold. What I truly, honestly want is to be a wife, and a mother, to be a help and support to a good, godly man. That is the deepest desire of my heart. And I get so lost because everything else I attempt just feels like a waste of time. And I just don't understand.

And right then, the craziest thing happened. The guy sitting on the couch behind our table said, "Might I interject?" and then we were pretty much in a scene from a movie!

He was a nice guy, but a businessman, through and through. He told us about how he found his wife (online), and how we don't have time to waste. As if I don't fear that already. He told us that, as late twenty-somethings, we are competing for the handful of good men who are left, and that we need to be proactive because our competitions are 19 year olds, and we only have a "short window of beauty" to work with. Nice.

I want to give him credit. He was attractive and charming, and trying to speak from the heart, and he made some good points. He also said that he was glad to hear me say that I wanted to be a wife and a mom, and that that desire had been what sold him on the woman he married. I truly believe he was trying to help. But for the love of God, the last thing the world needs is more exhausted, competitive Christian women who feel like they have to hunt a man down. Lord, save us all from that fate!

If that is the case, then I'm out. I will not interview for the position of wife in a man's life. I will not grovel, or beg, or chase. I will not compete with a 19 year old with a perfect body. If you want a 19 year old, go get one. I will, most certainly, not stand in your way.

The truth is, God has made a woman out of me. Brought up in a terribly unhealthy environment, I have chosen to seek and trust Him, and let Him heal me, though it hurts worse than anything I could have ever imagined. I have chosen to save myself for marriage, I have chosen to live vulnerably and honestly before a critical world, I have chosen a harder road, and that has left its share of scars. I leave my heart in God's hands, because every time I don't, I make an absolute mess of things.

And truly, I do not want to waste time. God knows I do not want to compete. And by the grace of God, no, I do not want to just make out with you on your couch! Whether I deserve more than that, I do not know. But I have the power to choose, and I have chosen. I would rather "fail" seeking and trusting the heart of God, than try my luck at anything else.

If that is not enough for a man, then so be it. Bring on the cats. I have nothing more to offer than who I am. And who I am is who God has made me to be thus far. I will continue growing, but I can never be more than He allows. So I will not exhaust myself further trying to be someone I'm not for some guy who won't, in the end, even want me.

My hope rests in the fact that the story isn't over yet. There are still chapters to be written, and the heart of God is a wild, wild place. He has certainly told some good stories in the past. There is still a chance that mine will be no exception. All I really know to do is keep reading...

Thursday, August 13, 2009

I Prayed For a Husband, and God Bought Me Fries

Is there a less lame way to start a blog than saying some mindless crap like: "Today was a really bad day"...? Maybe if I hadn't had such an exhausting week I could think of something more creative... oh well.

Everyone is getting married. And yay for them. I mean that. I do. It's just...

This isn't coming out right.

In other news, I've started applying for nanny jobs again. I'll be honest, I don't really know what I'm doing. I just... don't want to feel stuck anymore.

I saw Halloween shirts at Target today when I got out of the house. It was the first time it really sunk in to me that it's already August. I hope this year I don't miss the whole season! I am trying to enjoy the sunshine while it is here, but I hope when this season ends, it takes with it some of the mess I've been dealing with...

It occurred to me that, as dearly as I love my friends, I might need more... I am so sick of the lonely evenings where no one wants to hang out.

Apparently this post is going to be a lot of random thoughts.

I miss something I can't put my finger on these days... and if I can't figure out what it is, how in God's name am I supposed to find it??

Today I saw someone I did not want to see. In fact, if I never saw him again, I would be infinitely happy. And it amazes me how deeply God loves us... loves us all. As angry as I am with him, I want with all of my heart for him to know God's unshakable love. I think that means I am healing.

I have been oh, so lonely all day. I spent my lunch break crying, begging God for clarity, asking Him if my singleness is almost done... if there's even a tiny chance that the guy who's been on my mind might have noticed me... I am so tired of being invisible.

These days, whenever I ask for something, He always answers: "Trust me." It never fails to make me angry. And yet, at the end of the day, trust in Him is all that really matters.

I have been praying for my husband daily. I don't even care if that's stupid. I may not know who he is, but if he's out there, he probably needs prayer just as much as I do. I figure it is a good habit to be into, for when he does come along.

This is a long and lonely road. I had no idea what I was committing to when I committed to waiting! But they say it is worth it...

I think my life would be worse without coffee. I love the stuff.

I accidentally tie-dyed my shirt a few days ago. Total accident. And it looks awesome. Sometimes life is strange.

So after I saw the unmentionable heartbreaker, I broke my diet and went to Burger King. It was either that, or more tears. And I had just recovered from the headache I had aquired over lunch break. I do not regret one calorie.

I didn't order fries. I wanted them, but didn't order them. When I was pulling out of the drive-thru, I thought I smelled them. "Nooo," I convinced myself, "you're just wishing you smelled fries." But when I got home and opened the bag, there they were. I prayed all day for a husband, and God bought me fries. :) I guess He thought it would be okay for me to have one of the things I wanted today.

Maybe I'm crazy, but I really think He is paying attention. I hope He answers me soon... at this point, I don't really care what the answer is. I just want one.

Saturday, August 8, 2009

This One's For the Girls

Where is the "off" button for hormones?? That's what I want to know. A little red "x" in the corner, "End Session," "Sorry, we're closed, please come back another time."

Something... Anything.

The call to Christian singleness is not for the weak-hearted.

A few months ago I was sitting on a guy friend's couch, just watching television, and we had been having normal, if sporadic, conversation. He leans over and puts his arm around me, and in a casual tone that is usually reserved for: "do you want some popcorn?" or "can I get you something to drink?" says to me, "So... nothing below the waist, but everything else is okay, right?"

And this is what the world has come to.

Forgive my shock, I realize I am twenty-seven years old now. But the truth is, I grew up in the era of Joshua Harris' "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" ridiculousness. I am so programmed to be used to being ignored by godly men, that it sometimes surprises me when one decides to start up a conversation. And then I have to fight the 17-year-old girl in me that thinks he might be my husband because he's the only guy who's decided to pay attention to me in a very long while. And this is every guy's worst nightmare.

I still say Josh Harris ruined my life. :) Perhaps that isn't fair. It is just that I was homeschooled, so my chances of getting a date in the first place were extremely slim, and he was most certainly no help at all in that area. It seems to me that it just gave guys another excuse to do nothing, instead of take a risk...

Don't get me wrong, though. I'm all about men respecting women, and setting up boundaries, and the like. But it was as if I never got to choose... and I am not entirely certain that I appreciate that, if I am being terribly honest. And I've been in the bad habit of being terribly honest in the last few weeks. I don't really have the life I want, so I don't really have much to lose, either.

I think it didn't help that Mom got me the book for my 15th birthday. Happy Birthday, hon... welcome to the wonderful world of eternal singleness. You laugh, and truly, that is my goal. And yet... now I am twenty-seven, and alone. Coincidence? Hmmm.

I jest, of course. Mostly.

I just spent a fabulous Friday night sitting on a long-time friend's carpet eating Chinese takeout and laughing about life and men and crushes and singleness. On my drive home, I was thinking and praying about all the beautiful, incredible Christian women I know who are still struggling with their singleness, and don't know why. If this were a poker game, I would fold.

Honestly, I can't even get a guy to pay for my coffee. It is a wonder to me that Christians ever procreate at all.

This one's for all the beautiful, dedicated Christian women out there who don't have the answers. I understand, ladies. I hurt too. If I ever answer the questions myself, I promise you I will write them for the world to know.

Forgive me for my cynicism, if that is all this is. I have been lonely a long time now. I am still trying to sort it all out.