Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Early Morning Thoughts

I woke up early this morning because I've had a lot on my mind, and the pale light of sunrise was filtering through the window, and I had that urge to write that I always regret resisting. So here I am. If this weren't a weekend, I'd be arriving at work right now, sitting in my car for those last few minutes, taking that "I can do this" kind of deep breath before resigning myself to go inside and sit in front of that computer...

Thank goodness for Saturdays and three-day weekends. I was about to lose my mind.

I've been a pretty mixed up individual lately. I've been tired and sad and a little emotionally unstable, and I can't even entirely understand why. Not to say that good things have not been happening in my life. But my heart always jumps to my sleeve, so it ends up being the first to receive all the blows, it seems. I've always been fairly vulnerable emotionally. Its one of those things people love about me, and one of the reasons people trust me so quickly, I guess, and probably the main source of my struggle to survive every day. Ironic, really.

It is going to be really hard to stay alive and vibrant in an office environment. I can already tell. It is going to be hard to hold out for a really good guy, especially when I'm not even convinced that what I'm looking for exists. Its going to be hard to keep bringing this broken heart to Christ, when I know he's only going to dig deeper into my past and my motives and my sins and my heartaches...

I know he's going to make me more and more vulnerable. And I don't know how to trust him right now. I keep trying to push him away the way I have done the other guys in my life. I guess the difference is, they finally get scared and go, because they're human (and I can be a little psycho sometimes).... and he... I guess I'm not entirely sure what he'll do. But he hasn't given up on me yet. So I don't know what to do next.

I'm tired right now, but just going back to bed won't help, because its not that kind of tired. I guess you could say I'm soul-tired right now. And everyone can see it. I hate that. I can't have just one lousy day of being sad without everyone knowing about it, because it's written all over my face and in my mannerisms and comes out in every word I speak. So everyone knows, and then I just feel stupid. And then I end up hurting people because I'm trying to stuff down my emotions, and when I'm doing that I'm not as emotionally sensitive to others, to what they're feeling and thinking... and then I see that look on their face, and realize that I've hurt someone else I care about while trying to protect myself. It feels like an endless cycle right now. And I hate it.

All I really want is for people to not treat me like I'm broken. That's what I really want. Like, I wouldn't care that everyone knew I was hurting if people would just act normal around me. You know, take me out for a beer or a coffee or whatever, talk life, and let it go. I get so sick of those sympathetic eyes and dramatic reactions to my sarcasm, like I'm going off the deep end or something. Not really, guys. I'll probably survive. I've been through much worse than this, trust me...

If only people knew.

But they shouldn't know. What's happened to me is something God must feel I can handle... with him. I just don't know how to trust him yet.

I still haven't decided if I like my life or not. I'm still waiting to see if he really does want me or if I'm just another girl... I'm sick of being replaceable. I couldn't stand for him to break my heart in the end... not him... not after all the other guys have...

If he betrays you, what else is there?

Anyway, I've got a long day ahead of me. I'm getting furniture today, and I'm not sure where the crap it's all going to fit... I'll write more when I get settled in.

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