Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Monday, January 7, 2008

A Variety of Things

I must learn to remind myself that it's the little things in life that make it worthwhile. I just made myself a plate of "variety sandwiches" on my favorite bread (King's Hawaiian Rolls) and couldn't believe how effectively it lifted my melancholy mood. Variety sandwiches consist of several very small sandwiches, in this case turkey, with different condiments on them. I was out of tomatoes, so I made one with mayonnaise and salt, one with honey mustard and cheese, and one with a spicy teriyaki ginger sauce, and they were all wonderful. When I have vegetables, there is even more variety to choose from. Its something I've recently started doing, and I love it. I've discovered yet another family tradition for my so far non-existent family. Yay. But cheers to the simple pleasure of a good meal, after a definite Monday.

So life's been a little scattered and hard for me lately. I've gotten myself into one of those situations where you don't know quite how you got there, and you're not quite sure if you are or are not supposed to be there, and you definitely don't know how to get yourself out again. And, as in all matters of the heart, there's no way out without a little heartache. Potentially even big heartache. Again. And of course I'm not ready for that, but of course I've gotten myself in too deep and I've now got to choose between types of heartache instead of heartache or none.

Will my life always be this way? Is this the curse of the passionate personality type? Is this the cost of being alive and vulnerable? It may well be. If it is, I wouldn't trade it for anything. But how I wish my life could just run smoothly for once. How I wish this could be simple and just work out this time... just this once.

But I don't think it will. And not because God is cruel and heartless, but just because... I don't know. Life just goes that way. We're all stuck here together, with the same old mess. I guess some of us cope with it better than others, but really we're all just stuck, and that's that. I've tried to make the best of it. But even variety sandwiches and coffee and fleece blankets and all the good things in life can't cure the brokenness of the world. And I feel like I'm stuck right in the middle of it all.

And the right thing is never the easy thing... I don't think in any case. And it's even harder when you're not sure what's truly the "right thing" and what's just legalism. And I lived with that for so, so long... how do I know I'm not just living that again? How do I know I'm not just afraid to live my life? How do I know this wouldn't work out in the end if I just gave it a chance?

I don't know. I don't feel like I know anything of value tonight. I wish I could be a little wiser and wear a little less of my heart on my sleeve. Maybe that's what God's working on with me... maybe he's just using a real-life example to convince me of why it really is a bad idea. I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much.

I wish, for once, that a good thing would come into my life and actually stay. That's the hardest part to me. Everything is so temporary. And I always give my heart to things and to people who don't stay. And I always wanted my heart to be enough to make a man stay. Not just catch his attention, not just thrill him for a little while and make him wonder, but actually be enough to make him stop in his tracks and just... stay.

But I guess that dream has to be kept on the waiting list for now. God must have other things to do right now. Your call is important to us, please stay on the line...


I hope one day it all makes sense. I hope, in the end, that I'm glad that I'm me, and I'm glad I was given this crazy heart, and I'm glad that I made the choices I made... I hope I'm not old and alone and sitting somewhere wishing I had lived my life while I had the chance. Either way it's a risk. I'm just hoping God notices me in the midst of this big crazy world, and realizes that I haven't really been taken care of just yet... that there's this one little dream left unfulfilled in my life, that I want much more than any of the others... I just hope he sees that.

I'm sure he does, though. He's God. Of course he sees. So for now I guess I'll be grateful for the variety of things that have been given to me thus far. And I'll keep on coming up with the little things, that will hopefully make the future I've been waiting for more than just a little bit extraordinary. Let's just hope I'm not wrong.

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