I've attempted writing several times over the last few weeks, and I just couldn't make it work out. There's way too much going on in my head right now to make a lot of sense on paper. In fact, I've stopped writing - even journaling - for the most part, which is always an indicator that something's not right. So what's going on with me? I'm still trying to figure it out.
I feel like I'm losing myself again in the midst of life. I have a lot of church friends who are awesome, and then there's friends from new work and old work, and then there's friends from school. And... sometimes I feel like I have to be a different person to all of them. Like, there are people you can curse around and people you can't. There are people who know I have a drink every now and again, and people who find it offensive that alcohol exists. There are people you can answer honestly when they ask you what's going on in your life, and there are people you just have to say: "Oh I'm fine" to, and move on. And I have a really hard time with that. It's hard for me to not be real with everyone. But then that gets me into trouble.
Is it wise to be totally real with everyone? I'm finding that it may not be. But that makes me sad. And then... is it bad that I find it easier to be real with non-Christian friends? Because that's what's been happening lately.
And then I find I'm a bit confused about God. Does he accept me the way I am or not? Is he holding out on me? Could I have more if I weren't dedicated to following him? Would I be living my dreams right now if God wasn't a factor? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious. I really want to live life to the fullest, and honestly, I'm finding I don't have a whole lot in common with the people I'd think I have the most in common with. And the people I always thought would be a bad influence on me are the ones encouraging me and allowing me to be myself and just have fun. It's strange. And I'm just confused about it all.
On top of all of that, there's the family mess. It's worse this Christmas than just the usual drama. I may not even be able to be with everyone for Christmas, and as stressful as the situation can be sometimes, I find myself pretty heartbroken over the thought of not being with them. It'd be one thing if I had some amazing guy to spend Christmas with, and I was starting my own family traditions. But it won't be like that. And I'm pretty angry about it all, if I'm being real with myself.
I guess it's just been a stressful month. And I feel alone in it all, because I don't know who to talk to. Everyone's busy. Everyone's got their own problems. And I guess I just really want a companion in the midst of my turmoil. Its a universal desire, I know. I just happen to be feeling it more than usual lately.
'Tis the season.
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