Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

A New Story

I felt different this morning when I woke up. I remember that distinctly. I remember feeling like the world was not such a dreary place, and that the morning sunlight filtering in through my blinds felt fresh, and new, and even a bit magical. I pondered writing a story about the magical properties of sunlight... I have missed it in these long, cold, dreary days.

I made a decision today. I started crying on my lunch break again, and wondered how on earth I could make it several more years at some desk in front of a computer, doing pointless things. I have not been inspired to write in so, so long. I don't feel there is much to write about. As a child I was filled with wonder and dreamed big dreams, only to grow up and find myself in a grey cubicle, going nowhere. These past years have shown a sad, slow death for my creative heart. And that is not the way it should be.

But I started crying today on my lunch break, and that little voice inside me grew into a roar, and I realized suddenly that my fear of risk, and the unknown, is nothing compared to my fear of the mediocre, and the life I have come to know. For I could choose this, and make ten dollars an hour for the rest of my life at a desk job, hoping some amazing guy is going to notice me and take me away from here. Or I can change everything, and go my own way, and pursue what I want, and find someone or something in the adventure worth writing about...

And so, I have chosen a new story. One that terrifies me, and therefore, is bound to be worth telling.

I think I will give myself a year to prepare. It may take that long for me to find a family who is a good match for me (I am seriously considering overseas nanny jobs), and there is much I still need to do here. And, truth be told, I love this city... I think I would like another year to say goodbye. But it will be a year that counts, and I will be moving towards something better, and that will make all the difference.

Although this is just the beginning, I believe a new chapter has finally begun... I find hope renewed in my heart. It seems a new story was just what I have been missing.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

A Hand in the Fog

I feel like I am stepping into a great grey fog these days.

Many things are changing, and I know I need to be proactive about creating positive change in my life. So I am doing the obvious things; seeking God's face in prayer and in the Word, having conversations with people I respect, committing to work out and eat healthier, getting enough sleep to stay emotionally stable, saving to get my car fixed so that when the time comes, I can get a new job...

I am trying to rid myself of the things that hinder me from moving forward, from having the kind of life I want as a single. For it seems that God is content for me to be single. Just me... for now. I must frequently remind myself that His plan is not a consolation prize.

So I have been cleaning out and letting go of everything I can think of, from pounds to clothes to ads I will never read filling up my email inbox. It is an emotional and difficult task for me, but the end result should be well worth the effort. I desire to live in freedom to the best of my ability, and I am bogged down by all the extra stuff. It is everywhere, and I must be free of it soon. I find myself claustrophobic in my own skin some days. I crave change.

The biggest change I am making is hard to define. I guess you could say I am letting my best dream die. Although I have not spoken of it in such a public format as this, I will say that it was something I was hoping for, that I dared to want with a very large portion of my heart's desire. I do not often let myself want things on such a deep level, there is too much risk involved, but I made an exception. I thought something would come of it that has simply not come.

I grieve. But I must not remain here long.

It just doesn't look like the life I so wanted is God's path for me, and I must be obedient, with or without answers. I have waited and waited, I have cried often and prayed and talked to friends and literally begged God for answers, or for clarity, mainly for a conversation that has never come. And so it has become clear that I must let it go. Though I may lose some of my heart and my hope in the parting, I must let go, and be okay with the mystery once again...

My heart hurts. I am praying for healthy distractions, for a place to serve, where I can make a difference to people with my hugs and laughter, and possibly even my writing. I am praying for a place to put my heart, since it is not wanted where I had hoped it would soon be requested. I had hoped, more deeply than I had yet dared... but I must move on now.

C.S. Lewis said: "For broken dreams the cure is, dream again, and deeper." This time around, I am trying to dream smarter, as well.

I step, perhaps a little sadly, into the great grey fog before me. Just me, and my father God. Though I seek it, I cannot see His face. There is only a hand in the fog, reaching out, expecting me to trust. And I must step forward, and follow, though I ache for what I leave behind. But His hand is there to guide me, and that is infinitely comforting.

Perhaps on the other side, when the fog has lifted, I may be allowed to know why. Until then, I wish only to obey, and let go.

Friday, January 1, 2010


I am scrambling to catch up to the new year. It seems to have snuck up on me suddenly this time. I suppose I don't need to do anything in particular, but I would have liked to have thought through the accomplishments and failures of the year past, and try to move towards seeing this new year as a new beginning. As it is, though, I awoke to just another day that I'm not sure what to do with. I feel behind already...

Life is moving along, however, and I am trying to see it clearly. Most of the time I don't get the point of it. Not that I would like it to end or anything, it's just the age-old questions... I'm not sure what I am supposed to be doing. I am praying for direction, and praying for a vision for the future, a story worth telling to move myself towards. I am trying to be a character worth remembering. I don't know if I am yet.

I am doing alright, though. Continuing to see God as a Father, and myself as a valued member of His kingdom. I picture myself in a room in his fortress sometimes, resting and being restored for whatever lies ahead. I am craving a mission, a purpose, an adventure. But I have to trust that He is making me ready for what is next, and that this time is not a waste. I believe I will know when it is time for me to move, and I am praying for that direction to come clearly.

All I really know to do is the work I am given, to try to be a loving friend, to continue pursuing health and growth, and to stay close to Him. There are things that I desire more deeply than I thought possible, that don't seem to be my story, and I am grieving those dying dreams for this season. I do not understand. And yet, I want nothing that is outside of His plan and His story for me. So I must let them go, and ask for a new vision to dream into.

I think if I have learned anything in the last year, it is that I can't do much on my own. I can't figure it out, and I can't always get it right, and I can't keep people in my life if they don't want to be there, no matter what I may want.

It is encouraging to me, though, to see life as kind of a long walk down the aisle. We have been promised a wedding, and a wedding feast. So I am trying to look forward and just keep stepping towards that promise. At least I know I get my wedding in the end, even if only in the end. I am fighting hard to not see Him as only the consolation prize, for I know that that is not truth.

And so, a new year begins. And though I begin it with an aching heart, I know that I cannot predict what may happen next. The story isn't over yet. My hope and prayer is that it is only now beginning...

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart. Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.