Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

The Redemption of Stupidity

I realized on Friday that I'm a month away from my birthday, and that we're halfway to Christmas already. Can time really be slipping by so quickly? I wish it would chill out for awhile and let me catch up.

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to take this moment to announce that I am happy. That is not something I have often put into words in here, so I feel it is an event worth recording! I am not saying that everything is perfect, or that I've found out the meaning of life. But truly... between my circumstances, my choices, and my willingness to be still and know God, I have seen my life slowly transforming into something good.

I love it. Some of my relationships are deepening in ways I never expected, and without me having to exhaust myself with the effort of keeping them alive (crazy how that works with healthy relationships, eh?). And a lot of the ones that were unhealthy are finally slipping away into beautiful oblivion. All I had to do was choose to open my hands and let them go. I have not had one regret since making that decision... God has been infinitely good to me, despite some of the worst decisions I have ever made coming back to hurt and haunt me in recent months.

So I am left wondering, what now? I have made better choices, and found a lot of the change I had been hoping and praying for... so now I am just waiting. Not inactively, mind you, I am still exploring and growing and open to changing for the better. I am looking into taking some business writing classes, and learning sign language, and I'm still taking dance, and trying to write poetry, and volunteering at the hospital.

I am not, in any way, who I thought I would be... and perhaps that is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I thought I knew what I wanted... but now I see that there is something better than even that. So I am content to wait and hope for it to happen in its own time.

I am confident, once again, that I am loved. There is more security in that knowledge than one might imagine. Something in me has settled recently, and seems content to stay that way. So I find myself happy, and hopeful for the future, and resting in the joy of watching the redemption of my stupidity. Perhaps someday soon I will have the courage to write openly about some of my more recent mistakes and the redemption of them. Part of me is still waiting on the end of the story, however. It is not quite ready to be revealed yet, I think.

Happy Saturday to all. I am going to go refill my coffee mug, and enjoy this day to the last drop! =]

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Life is... Better.

Life just doesn't make sense sometimes. Right now it is one of those seasons for me. The only difference this time is that I think I may be okay with it. I think I am at a place where, despite the chaos and confusion, and "things not going as I planned" and all of that... despite it all, I am finding that I am still okay, and still moving in a direction that I believe to be healthy.

I have done a lot of running around lately, chasing one dream or another, and I suppose I have learned a lot doing it. But I think what I have learned most distinctly is that I'm pretty okay with where my life is now. I wasn't expecting that at all. But it is very refreshing.

I find myself longing for the slower pace, the deeper conversations with my girl friends, the occasional undefined is-it-a-date-or-not outing with a guy. Really, its too exhausting to try to want more than this right now. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but I am trying to let life just be what it is, and be happy there...

I have been recently pondering whether we are who we are because we are made that way, or we are who we are because we choose to be...? I feel like I have been "more myself" in these last couple of months, where I am choosing to be and do things I've never done before, than I have ever been before. But was I already programmed to be this person...? Who knows for sure.

The point is that I feel like I am starting to live my life, stepping outside of my comfort zone, which I have found does not really hold a lot of comfort after all, only regret. And I am having a blast! Honestly, I wish I hadn't wasted so much time before I got here...

But no point looking back now... I've got the rest of my life ahead of me, and it looks like it might be beautiful...