Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Singles Awareness Day

It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be... spending the evening alone. In years past it has been torture, but I guess I've been maturing, finally. I know better how to handle my own heart these days, and I knew I couldn't sit around in my apartment, calling people and hoping someone would be able to hang out. I knew I just had to go...

I would have just driven all night if I didn't have to work tomorrow. I'm in a "driving kind of mood" tonight. I think I must have a little gypsie blood in me from some forgotten relative, because sometimes I just can't take it anymore. Sometimes I just have to pick up and go. And as much as I hate moving, the change usually does me good in the end. So maybe I'm just made to uproot and go as my world changes. Maybe I'm not meant to have a "home" persay, and that's why I've never found one. It's a thought, at least...

So I didn't have a date for Valentine's Day, and the world hasn't ended yet. I'm not entirely convinced that I'd have wanted one. I haven't been super impressed with the guys who've been interested in me lately. And I tend to really throw myself into the relationship when I'm in one, and right now I think I need to get used to living with me before I think about having someone else in my world. And yes... I am trying to convince myself while I'm typing this. =]

But over all, I am really doing well. It was a beautiful day, and there's nothing wrong with taking yourself out on a date every once in awhile. I went to see Spiderwick Chronicles, and loved it! I want to write stories like that someday... I wonder why I can't write them now? I'm still a mystery, even to myself.

Hopefully, the guy that finds me in the end will enjoy a good mystery/romance/thriller. =]

Great, now I've got Michael Jackson in my head for the rest of the night...

Saturday, February 9, 2008


Sometimes I wonder how my life gets to be such a mess before I've even realized it. I guess this is just the process of maturing, but I'm wondering how I got so far behind? I certainly feel like I'm behind if I'm not. I think I should probably stop being so hard on myself and just try to work with what I've got.

So often I feel like my life is only half-written. I'm not talking about how I'm still in the middle of the "story of my life," because hopefully God is really just getting started. But... you know when you start writing something... a song, or a poem, or a story... or maybe you're a painter, a sculptor, a mechanic... whatever your passion may be, but you just start doing something you love? And you have a vision for your creation, and the best of intentions for it to be awesome? And you work on it, and you're happy to work on it, and everything's going well. And then you put it aside for a little while, and think you'll get back to it? And then... you never get back to it? You find yourself a couple months later going: "I should get back to that thing..."

That's how my life feels right now. Like a room full of unfinished projects. And I don't know which ones I should start back up with, or which ones to throw away, or if I should just start new ones instead? I've got a lot of half-written dreams, and I don't seem to be able to finish them on my own. I'm not sure how to move forward with any of them...

I think I'm gonna be all artsie and symbolic and leave this one half-finished to prove my point!

Doesn't that just leave you longing for more?