Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Monday, September 22, 2008

A Season For Change

Today is the first day of Fall. I stand amazed at the coming of a new season. It seems that I, with my head in the clouds, had not noticed the gentle passing of the long days of summer. And now I have awakened to find them gone...

I do not feel ready to see summer's end, yet with each new season comes fresh opportunity through the mysterious beauty of change. I have learned, through the years behind me, to welcome it with cautious curiosity for what it may bring.

I am in the midst of my own dying season in life. It is passing through my fingers like sand, more quickly, even, as I try to grasp it tighter. There is no way to slow its progress, nor time to mourn the loss of it. I am swept away into new moments, new days, a new perspective and a newer version of myself. The old is passing away, the new is coming, whether I am ready or not.

It is strange to me that I am not more connected with what is going on around me. Autumn has long been my favorite season, the color and scent and feel of it, and normally I am the first to greet it with open arms, while others still complain of a longing for warmer days. But this year it has caught me off guard. I have been too preoccupied with typical days at the office, my financial struggles, and the inability to make my life what I desire it to be. Perhaps I am trying to control too much... all I typically end up with is disaster.

This week I am committing to getting more sleep and getting my place in order. I need to start running and writing again, and I need to do more things I enjoy, spend more time with myself, and try not to overbook my schedule anymore. Easier said than done. But I am sick of the chaos, and so I have to do what I can to slow it all down, and only take on what I can handle.

I do not want to miss another season. So on this first, new day, I'm reevaluating what's important, and pausing to make some changes.

Perhaps I will even get a fresh start with some things. What better season for change could there be than this?

Thursday, September 11, 2008

A Good Day

This is a beautiful evening. I am the kind of tired that's a blessing, because I know it means I will sleep well tonight. And I really need a good, solid night's sleep more than anything else right now.

Yesterday was a big day for me, and even though I am tired, I had to take the time to post an update. I got my first article published on an online newsletter. And now, whenever people ask me what I want to do, and I tell them I want to write, and that inevitable question follows, I can finally answer: "Yes. I write for..."

Life is a beautiful, beautiful thing at times. I just fulfilled a lifelong dream, and right now, anything seems possible. I wonder if there is a way to feel this all the time? If there is a way, I'll do my best to find it...

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Writer's Block Continued...

I have been a bit stressed of late. I wish I could explain why, in intricate detail, and poetically, but my inspiration seems to have gone on strike. I can't imagine what its demands must be. More sleep, probably. More time to myself to think, more reading, more laughing. No more stressing about finances. Yeah... right.

I have been fighting myself a lot lately, trying to hold my life together while it rips apart at the seams... I am, of course, being dramatic, because I know it only feels that way. In reality, I am blessed, and secure in the hands and grace of Almighty God. But I can't feel it right now, so I am scared and stressed out nonetheless.

I have worked hard recently to get my apartment clean and keep it that way, in order to reduce the stress. It is a daily battle that I often lose, however. I have had several bad days this week, which I continue to blame on lack of sleep. I rarely make it to work when I want to (I am blessed to have a job where there really isn't an "on time," I just have to get my 40 hours in), I frequently spill my coffee somewhere between my apartment, my car, and my business, and I've taken to cursing at my cats when they get in my way... the list goes on.

What I am really trying to say here is that I am frustrated with life, and feel completely overwhelmed. And my writing (or lack thereof) reflects that.

It all started when my school loans came due. Every month, after the bills were paid, and life was lived, I had about $100 left over, which went to savings. Now, with a $200 loan payment, I have absolutely nothing going into savings, and I have to be very careful about my spending elsewhere as well.

It may just come down to me getting a second job, like at Starbuck's or Barnes & Noble or something. But I'm already tired as it is, so I'm not sure how that would work. I am hoping that somewhere in all of this, God has a beautiful plan for it to work out. :) I am just struggling to see it right now.

It's just funny to me what I had planned for my life. By now I was supposed to be a thriving nanny in another country, writing stories and dating some cute British guy with a fantastic accent, who knew more than I do about literature. I was going to have my loans paid off in ten years, max. And then I was going to get married, travel, and get a book published before I started having kids. Ha!

I suppose it could all still happen. But it looks like my world is going to be a lot different than that for a good long time. Unless there's a miracle approaching that I don't know about. But the good news is, I am extremely adaptable, and I love Chattanooga deeply. I love my church, and my friends, and I can accept my job for a season. I don't have to give up on all my dreams simply because they haven't been handed to me just yet. I just get discouraged because most of the things I want intensely feel very much out of reach right now.

It just makes me wonder if I'm doing anything of value at all in this season. All I want is to live it well, to love people well, and to become a woman who delights the heart of God. Perhaps I am closer than I feel right now. Probably this melancholy is nothing that a good night's sleep and a creative, well-written children's book series wouldn't cure. I intend to invest in both very soon.

Here's hoping the next post will be more inspired and uplifting. I need to get some stuff done before the work week begins anew.