Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The Daily Grind

Its snowing outside right now. I can't see it from where I'm sitting, even though I'm by a window, because the glare from my lamp is too bright. But I can feel it. I knew it was snowing even before I looked outside... softly drifting to the earth from who knows where...

Time passes much too quickly these days. I spent nearly the entire day, 8-5, sitting in front of a computer, doing something that... kind of... matters. I really need the money, and the peace of mind, so I guess it's worth it in the end. I guess it's worth it. But there is so little time left for everything else... just enjoying the sunshine, or the snow.

How do we live this way, I wonder? When we were created for Eden, how do we live this way at all?

I haven't been able to understand life lately. Everything I was taught and everything I believe does not fit into the context of my reality. I don't understand anymore. And yet, the snow falls, and I remember things I had forgotten... things you can't just "know" but somehow know by heart. Is it just because I'm a poet? Will I ever fit somewhere? Will I ever comprehend what the snow is supposed to tell us about life?

The truth is, our lifespans here are short. And being a Christian has made me delay a lot of life in pursuit of holiness, or purity, or whatever you want to call it. But I wonder sometimes... will I ever make it to the context where we were meant to enjoy life? Will I live long enough to have lived my life at all? I wonder sometimes. I wonder if this is what Jesus meant when he said "life abundant." I wonder, as I sit in front of a computer and try to figure out how do my job well, what I was really created to do from 8 to 5 every day...?

Perhaps I am thinking too hard, and this is merely a season of my life, and I am putting way too much pressure on myself. But I want to live it well. I want every second to count. I want, so much, to find my purpose and live it well. I don't want to waste any more time.

Is it a waste of time to just do your job, to do what's been put before you to do, without question? Should I be looking for something better or making the best of what I have right in front of me in this season? I don't know. I don't understand the purpose of it all right now. And that is so frustrating.

Will God show me the answers to these, or do I have to go out and find them? I wish I knew...

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