Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Thursday, February 25, 2010


I am ready for sweet, summer days; for sunshine on my skin, feeling weightless in water, and hiking epiphanies... wisdom that only the woods can offer. My soul has grown weary of hunching in the cold, and is reaching out for change and growth and beauty I have yet to grasp. I am ready to let go of dead winter and see what comes, alive and new with spring. I am ready to be new again, too.

This week I discovered a pair of alternative folk musicians called You and Yourn, and they have changed me. I bought their album, and I have listened to it on repeat daily since it was purchased. I can't get enough... like a new relationship, when there is so much to discover that there never seems to be an adequate amount of time in the day. I am committing lyrics and melodies to memory, and singing along. It is by no mistake that I found them in this season. They are helping me let go.

I've found myself in a rather desolate place lately. It can probably be labeled depression, and I can probably get some pills to make it seem less enormous, but there are no cures for the underlying questions. They are meant to be asked.

I don't know that I even want to spell it all out. But I am putting my desires on an altar and watching them go up in smoke, because I found something better than even financial security, travel, marriage, a writing career... all of the things I thought I wanted so deeply.

Like Abraham with Isaac, I don't know what the outcome will be, or if I will be asked to sacrifice the things most precious to me. But I discovered that I already hold the keys to an unexplored kingdom and I can't be content with just these things anymore. Someone cracked open a door I didn't know was there, and the world I am in is now pale in comparison to the light spilling through...

I cannot go back. But all the stuff I've brought with me can't go where I am going. So I leave it here in embers and turn and face whatever is just beyond that door...

Faith is a radiant and terrifying adventure. But once it has gotten ahold of you, ordinary no longer satisfies. I want more.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Last Girl on Earth

I had a dream this weekend that helped me gain understanding about myself. I was alone on Earth; there was no one else, only me. I was just alone, taking care of myself, and wasn't worried about anything, or anyone else. I simply took joy in having sweet time...

I didn't have to work, so I finally had time to travel (apparently everything just worked electronically, planes, buses, etc. ...I love fantasy!). I wasn't afraid of what could happen to me, I didn't wonder if I would have enough money to make ends meet this year. I finally got to read all the books I want to read. I had time to write, and didn't have the fear of it being "good enough" or better than so-and-so's writing. I didn't have to live up to anybody's standards, or be the kind of girl that he would want...

During the dream I felt a sense of peace like I haven't known in a long time. I realized, upon waking, that I still care so much about what people think that it is almost crippling. I thought I had come a long way in that area, but it seems that lately I've been slipping back into the oblivion of self consciousness. I'm not entirely sure just yet how to get myself out of it.

Despite what I may want, I know that the nature of my humanity means that I will never be fully satisfied. So it is no surprise (or shouldn't be) that I am a touch unhappy with my job, that I am not too sure I want to be single, that I don't know exactly what I want or how to get there if I did know. These complaints are echoed by potentially millions. Does anybody know what to do about it, though? Even the wisest man on earth said: "All is vanity..." There is a little mix of comfort and despair in that for me.

I took a heart-wrenching walk down memory lane this past weekend, and my desperate need for some alone time to think through it all may have been what sparked such a thought-provoking respite of a dream. Perhaps I just need to take more time to myself, to get away, to think and write and just be. But I also feel such a deepening need for time with people, to get out, and talk, and laugh, and stop being too introspective... how do you know what you truly need most?

One of my best friends calls me an extroverted introvert. I think the creative nature in me pushes me towards division when it comes to categorizing these things. I get my energy from being alone, focusing in on whatever I am writing or creating, and also in being with people, learning and growing from them. It changes depending on the need of the moment. This morning, I only needed alone time. Right now, I am glad that there are others around me. And I have always been this way.

Coffee shops provide the perfect atmosphere for people such as myself. I can zone out and get lost in my writing, and in the next second look up and start a conversation with the guy next to me. I feel like I am going to be spending a lot more time here in the coming months...

I guess the good news in all of this is that I think I am finally unafraid of being alone. I have wanted to achieve this for so long now, and I think I have finally made progress. I know for certain that I am going to be paying much closer attention to how I am living my life in reaction to what other people think or say, and work on not being so afraid of rejection. My time alone with myself, though only in a dream, taught me that I'm not so terrible to be around :)

What is next? I never know. I am hoping and praying for change to come. My soul is growing restless again. I never know whether I should tame it or set it free.

I wonder... if I were the last girl on earth... would I know my story better?