Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

To Lose and to Seek

To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal ...
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance ...
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to lose and a time to seek;
a time to rend and a time to sew;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I have had a solitary morning, waking early and having no plans until late afternoon. Have you ever found yourself alone, and realized you're someone you're uncomfortable being with? I guess, despite living on my own, I don't spend enough time with just me, because I'm discovering that I still don't know myself as well as I would like to.

It is ironic, really. I work all week wishing I were home, and here I finally have time to myself, hours of it even, and I have no idea what to do. I flee to the refuge of writing, because it is the only well I have drawn from that has not, at some point, come up dry. And that is only because I believe it to be a gift to me from the direct and purposeful hand of God. But how exactly I am to use it, I still do not know. I have alway believed those answers would reveal themselves in time, and now I secretly wonder if time is just going to waste...

Winter has been making itself abundantly clear, like that person at the party who feels they need more attention. No matter how high I turn up the heat I am still chilled to the core, so I've taken to wearing hoodies inside and saving on my electric bill. Not exactly my idea of a good time. The only good thing about the cold is that it makes a hot cup of coffee that much better, for it is suddenly both delicious as well as functional. I have found that I love something more, and am so much more satisfied, when I am filled up after need instead of just desire. Perhaps that is why God has been allowing me to need so much lately. If I ever make it to a season of filling, I will be that much more appreciative of the change.

So where do I go from here? I am back to having to make the big decisions, and choose the course of my life as best I can. People are getting laid off at work, and there is talk of the jobs that are left being outsourced to India. My lease is up after Christmas, and there is that little voice inside that I had effectively silenced for a year, making an unwelcome return: "You know... you could just go..."

I could, perhaps. But lets not be ridiculous. Go where? Even if I could get a nanny job somewhere far away, the economy is bad, and jobs are scarce, and who knows if I would be any happier somewhere else? But does that mean I should stay in an uncertain work environment that I do not enjoy, sign another year lease on an apartment that is functional, but not home? Does staying where I am automatically mean stagnant existence? Or does God have something just around the corner, if I can just endure this for a little bit longer...?

I don't know. Am I supposed to know? Because I rarely ever know. Sometimes I think I'm lousy at faith. Its not that I don't have enough, but that I believe in the wrong things, the wrong people or circumstances. If my life were not redeemed, and surrendered to the Holy God and to discovering his plan for me, I would be doing things completely differently. I know that for sure. I can't say for sure that I would be any happier, but I would definitely not keep waiting on dating someone... I get so sick of being alone, day after day after day. But I know married individuals who still have lonely days, so I'm trying to just be faithful to the season of singleness that I seem to have been handed. But I'm not even going to try to pretend that it doesn't tear me apart sometimes.

But... when it all comes down to it, I'd rather endure people's questions, and funny looks, and misunderstanding, and do what I know in my heart to be right, than to "conform to the world" as they say, and have to live my life disappointed in myself, always wondering what could have been if I had waited just a bit more.

I know that I may not end up with a great guy at the end of all this waiting. I may just end up with a lot of questions and a house full of cats. But at least I won't end up selling out on my dreams, trying to navigate life with a guy who isn't in tune with the spiritual side of me, because that is where I find my creativity, where I am renewed, where I find the strength to forgive and love despite how I feel. I would live only a half-life if I were to be denied intimacy on that level. And I have worked so hard for so long to be whole again.

I honestly don't see how people do relationships without God. I just don't see how it would be possible. Even with God, I fight with my selfishness and baggage and messed up perspective. Who I would be without Him, I don't even want to know.

I don't really know how to wrap this up. My heart is confused, and a little lonely and lost. Have I done the right thing, in living my life the way I have? I would love a little Supernatural reassurance right now...

1 comment:

Fortune Favours the Bold said...

I love the Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 verse you started with. I think I've experienced all of those seasons. Like you, I'm ready for the season of love, laughing, and rest.

I always feel like I'm losing at one thing or another, but I'm constantly seeking and trusting that God's plans are good. I think that is just what we do as Christians and as humans.

I really appreciate your honesty Jo. Your gifts are reaching out like branches on a tree.