Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Chasing Rainbows

There is no metaphor here. I literally chased a rainbow last weekend, and caught a few moments of magic in the process. I needed it, too. I desperately needed a chance to believe again; a glimpse of the impossible made possible. These are difficult times for many.

God is good, but sometimes very hard to see when your eyes have been clouded by the pain of this world.

It was a cloudy day, and had rained earlier. I was in the car with a group of friends, heading down a mile of memories, just laughing and enjoying the simplicity of a day off with good company and conversation. All of a sudden someone said: "Look! Look outside at the rainbow!!" and I caught my breath in sheer wonder at the sight. I have never seen one so close or so clear before. It was right before our eyes, and close enough that we could... almost... see the end of it.

No one really knew what to do. It felt shockingly out of place in the midst of our crazy, busy, stressful lives. I made a joke about using the pot of gold to pay off my loans and go back to London. But really there were no words for it, and deep in my soul, something that had been restless was quieted again, and a little of the veil was lifted off my eyes for awhile.

I am amazed at how easy it is to lose sight of things; to get caught up in the daily grind, the fear of layoffs at work, paying the next bill, and wondering when a lasting relationship will find you, or if that even happens anymore. It is easy to forget about simple beauty, and the basic need we have to believe beyond what we can see, and the thrill of that which is out of reach of our understanding and control. In this moment I am grateful to have the privelege of knowing an infinite God, who does not give me everything I want, but has complete knowledge of what I truly need.

People often tell me that I over analyze things. I am still pondering the rainbow, wondering what it meant and how I can teach myself to believe again. I am still hoping for a better life, not just more money and more stuff, but how to live in contentment and joy despite my circumstances, how to bring the light of hope into people's lives, how to write something compelling and relevant to this new generation... if I am ever able to do so.

Upon brief examination of my 26 years of existence, I can honestly say that I have always been chasing rainbows. There is some part of me that, no matter how bad things have gotten, has managed to keep believing beyond the dark shadow of reason or practicality or "reality." No matter how many bad choices I make, God seems to have chosen to protect and preserve that heart in me... I just do not know to what end.

I wonder when, if ever, it will be made known to me what my purpose is? Is there any point to all of this? There must be. I know there must be. But I just cannot see it yet. I suppose I should just keep praying for direction and trying to make good decisions and looking for the rainbows along the way.

Is it too much to ask for a companion though? Is it wrong of me to desire such things? The road gets so hard sometimes. And chasing rainbows alone is only half as fun, I am guessing, as sharing the experience with someone who also sees what cannot be seen at first glance.

But... that is not what I have been given for this season. So I guess I just keep on keeping on for now. Wish me luck on the way to finding that pot of gold. You never know when my day might come, at last.


Jess said...

Rainbows are good, just "don't go chasing waterfalls!"


Fortune Favours the Bold said...

You are the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow Jo. I think God is protecting you, and when you are finally connected with your rainbow chasing partner, you'll know what the waiting was all about.

Yes, even I still believe that true love exists.