Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Christmas Blues

I can't believe we are less than two weeks from Christmas. I have done little of my shopping and have managed to catch a few songs on the radio, but mostly my days are the same as they've always been, and it just doesn't feel like Christmas for me this year. I hope there is still time to redeem that...

I have been sitting here thinking of Christmases past, and what stands out to me most... I miss my family's odd traditions more than I ever thought I would. I don't have a tree this year. It just wasn't practical, in the midst of paying bills and all, and a couple of people even offered to buy me one, but I turned them down, for whatever reason. I almost wish I hadn't. I could use a little sparkle in my life these days...

I'm hoping to make it up to see Rock City Lights this weekend. Last year, about this time, I was near-dating someone who bought me hot chocolate at my favorite coffee shop and took me up to see the lights, and it was just... nice. Definitely very different from this year. If I can't find anyone to go with in the next few days, I'm going to go myself. I shouldn't miss out on Christmas just because I'm alone again. I never expected it to be this hard, though. I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong, either.

I hate to be all doom and despair, but it's been a rough season for me, especially in the last couple of weeks, and I've never been good at hiding it. I would love to know what my purpose is supposed to be. I would love to know if I'm going anywhere at all. I would love to know... so many things. At what point do we get to know, again?

I feel like I am missing something very important in the midst of all of this surviving. I feel like I am forgetting how to live... and I don't want to miss out. I don't want to miss my youth, or my singleness, or my friendships at work, or getting the full experience of things like Christmas. Its just not me at all to be this way. I am just tired and discouraged, and I would love someone to come along and help me see clearly again. I would love... but no, I'm not there yet, and wishing for something that isn't here will get me nowhere. I just have to turn my focus back around to the present.

At least I wasn't one of the people who got laid off... right before Christmas. That would have been terrible! Even though I don't enjoy my job, I am lucky to have one. And I did get to watch The Grinch last night, and that was of course awesome. I think this year it's more my state of mind than anything else, which means the fault is mine. *sigh* I even got upset this week because I don't think I'm getting a lot for Christmas this year, and that's just stupid. Its not about stuff, and I know it. What's wrong with me lately, I wonder?

I am severely unsatisfied with this post. I'm pretty sure no one cares about my mental meanderings in a difficult December. But I guess the point is that I want to be real, and the reality is that I'm struggling a bit this year. Is it bad that I'll be glad when Christmas is over this year? I don't think I've ever had that thought in my life! I am truly hoping this is just a phase I will outgrow very quickly...

Let's leave on a happier note, shall we:

"And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more..."
~Dr. Seuss

I love Dr Seuss!! =]

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