Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head

So I'm sitting on my porch watching the rain, and I'm excited to be online! No, I didn't find the extra money for a wireless router... but sometimes when it rains I'm able to steal the neighbors' internet from the porch. I don't think it's immoral... I like to think of it as a blessing. :)

What's new in my world? I'm suddenly addicted to texting and I'm probably going to need a new phone plan because I keep going over my minutes! I guess it's the price of having friends... and a lousy cell plan. I'm also nuts about The Office, and I'm trying to catch up on the first three seasons so I know what's going on this year. Love that show! Jim is totally my TV crush! But I also love Dwight... how can you not? Anyway, don't get me started on all of that!

What would I change and what am I hoping for in the next month? A new job, definitely. One that pays well, is somewhat flexible, allows for vacation time (so I can see my neice when she's born and possibly go on a cruise with my bro and his friends this year!), and isn't something I hate doing every morning. Am I asking too much? Maybe. But I was never exactly taught to aim high, and it can't hurt to attempt it now. I'm only 25, after all (yes, I am trying to convince myself that that's not very old!)

Actually, my current job has been better because they finally listened to me when I told them that I'm burnt out from customer service and need a break, so I'm doing shipment and displays again. It's hard work, but I actually prefer that. I don't mind being nice to people or helping them find shirts, but it depresses me to think that I got a college degree to open fitting room doors for people with real jobs.

As far as what I would change goes... I wish my confidence was healing faster (though I am doing a bit better in that department) and I wish I had a better idea of what the heck I'm going to do with my life. My new group of friends have been really affirming me as a writer, though, and that helps a lot. I always knew I was a writer, and people have told me I'm a good writer even, but I've never had so many people react so postively to the mention of my potential creativity. I think the creative side of my brain is listening, and perhaps when inspiration strikes, I'll be a bit braver and try something new...

Really, I think this period of my life is going to be extremely helpful for directing me to a better future. That's a little complicated, but simply put, I think I will look back on these months of my life and say: "That was my turning point. Those people are responsible for helping me become who I am..." Everyone who stands up in front of people and shares their story has a point in the story that's like that. I never knew, or never believed, that it would happen to me. But I guess God is writing my story after all.

Part of me cringes at that last sentence I wrote. Am I becoming a Cheeseball Christian? I hope not. I really am sincere. I think it says something that, despite all my attempted resistance, I'm still not able to keep it to myself that my life is being transformed, and that, beyond anything I've done for myself, suddenly and to a certain degree mysteriously, my whole world has changed and is continuing to change for the better. I think that was way more than a run-on sentence, but forgive me... I'm still working through all of this. It's hard to accept sometimes, and even harder to express, even in writing.

Basically, I'm falling in love with life without even trying. You know how sometimes you just love someone, even if they don't know you exist and no matter how hard you try not to, you just do? Yeah. That's what's happening in my heart these days. I'm still afraid... but... the love I've recieved from my friends, and begun to perceive from God (?) is enough to make my heart fall hard. And I'm slowly letting go of the fear that was all I knew for so long...

Perfect love casts out fear, they say... I never knew what that meant before.

Speaking of fear, I need to clean my room today. What a nightmare. But it will be so nice when it's done. I guess I should get started on that now.

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