Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Monday, October 29, 2007

The Cost of Toilet Paper and Other Bummers of Singleness

Let me just say that I am looking forward to the day when I can go to the grocery store and buy pretty much whatever I want without having to consider what I may be sacrificing... such as gas, eating out, hanging out, or getting bills paid. Perhaps that sounds shallow, but I recently made a $70 grocery shopping experience last three full weeks and I nearly starved to death. Ironically, because of the stress of it all (and quite possibly my aversion to working out), I didn't lose any weight... and maybe even gained a few pounds. Amazing, really. Another useless talent I find that I possess: gaining weight by eating smaller portions.

So I'm coming close to running out of toilet paper, but I haven't bought any yet because I have to be sure I can make rent. I'm not even exaggerating. The price of toilet paper is atrocious. I considered taking a roll or two from the bathroom in Wal-mart when I was out today, and then realized that it was, in fact, stealing if you take the whole roll instead of just using the necessary amount. Too bad, really. That's one of those gray areas, though. How much toilet paper can you use in one sitting before it becomes stealing? Does it become stealing only if you decide to keep some of it for emergencies? If you're poor enough, you start to ponder these kinds of things.

I'm thinking of asking for a 24-pack for Christmas... and not that lousy Angel Soft, either, but the good kind. Real toilet paper. That's what I'm looking forward to most in life these days. Pretty sad, right? I've kind of given up hoping some awesome guy will take me out on a date. What I really look forward to is buying name-brand groceries. This is what working retail for too long will do to you.

I hung out with this awesome guy recently who was worried that his current salary wouldn't be enough to support a wife and kids, and I was laughing to myself, because he makes more than five times what I make. I was thinking also that I may make a great wife someday because of my excellent budgeting skills. I know how to not spend money if I have to. I hate it, but at least I know how. I'm just hoping that when I get out of this stage of life I'll never have to do this again, at least to this extent, but it's probably wishful thinking. At least I already know I won't need a rich guy, which widens my horizons a bit, because anyone who makes more than I do looks rich to me. And if you own a car that still runs for the most part, that's pretty dang sexy too.

Singleness is such an odd state of existence. There are things I enjoy about it, but I'll be honest, I'm not sure things were supposed to work this way. I think maybe I don't fit in the business world because I'm not designed to sit in an office all day. I think I'm great with kids but get frustrated with other people's kids because I was supposed to have my own. I think the reason I need a flexible schedule and a self-paced work environment is because I'm supposed to be a writer...

I'm not saying these things won't happen in my life someday, but they haven't happened yet. I often wonder if it's not because I was created for something totally different from the life I find myself living. I feel like a square peg being forced into a circle (a note of thanks to Meleah for this analogy). You might be able to make it fit, but there will be gaps left... and they reside mainly in my heart these days. The weird thing is, I'm happier and healthier than I have ever been, and growing more so by the day. It's just when I have down time, like this, or when I feel melancholy enough to be sensitive to it, I notice that little tug on my heart that tells me something's not right yet. Will it ever be right, though? I haven't figured that out yet. I think I'm still waiting to see.

I do know it gets better than this, though. I won't always stand in the toilet paper aisle for ten minutes comparing prices... so help me, Jesus! I had an interview this morning, that I guess went well. I don't think I said anything stupid, but I have this feeling like I'm not going to get the job, too. I'm trying not to stress about it. Maybe there's something else just around the corner if this doesn't work out. It would just be nice to have some financial stability in this season of my life. I find I am more emotionally vulnerable as I become more honest with myself and real with those around me. These are good things, don't get me wrong, but I would enjoy it all so much more if I could walk through it without so much fear. Most of my fear comes from my lack of finances, hence I am less emotionally stable than I'd like to be because of my work situation.

But God hears me. He's heard me ask about where I fit in the working world for a long time, and there's no reason I should believe He'll do nothing about my current needs. Even for toilet paper. That's the beauty of this God, over the one I thought was real for so long. I'm so glad I was wrong! There's just no telling what will happen next...

No comments: