Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

A Hand in the Fog

I feel like I am stepping into a great grey fog these days.

Many things are changing, and I know I need to be proactive about creating positive change in my life. So I am doing the obvious things; seeking God's face in prayer and in the Word, having conversations with people I respect, committing to work out and eat healthier, getting enough sleep to stay emotionally stable, saving to get my car fixed so that when the time comes, I can get a new job...

I am trying to rid myself of the things that hinder me from moving forward, from having the kind of life I want as a single. For it seems that God is content for me to be single. Just me... for now. I must frequently remind myself that His plan is not a consolation prize.

So I have been cleaning out and letting go of everything I can think of, from pounds to clothes to ads I will never read filling up my email inbox. It is an emotional and difficult task for me, but the end result should be well worth the effort. I desire to live in freedom to the best of my ability, and I am bogged down by all the extra stuff. It is everywhere, and I must be free of it soon. I find myself claustrophobic in my own skin some days. I crave change.

The biggest change I am making is hard to define. I guess you could say I am letting my best dream die. Although I have not spoken of it in such a public format as this, I will say that it was something I was hoping for, that I dared to want with a very large portion of my heart's desire. I do not often let myself want things on such a deep level, there is too much risk involved, but I made an exception. I thought something would come of it that has simply not come.

I grieve. But I must not remain here long.

It just doesn't look like the life I so wanted is God's path for me, and I must be obedient, with or without answers. I have waited and waited, I have cried often and prayed and talked to friends and literally begged God for answers, or for clarity, mainly for a conversation that has never come. And so it has become clear that I must let it go. Though I may lose some of my heart and my hope in the parting, I must let go, and be okay with the mystery once again...

My heart hurts. I am praying for healthy distractions, for a place to serve, where I can make a difference to people with my hugs and laughter, and possibly even my writing. I am praying for a place to put my heart, since it is not wanted where I had hoped it would soon be requested. I had hoped, more deeply than I had yet dared... but I must move on now.

C.S. Lewis said: "For broken dreams the cure is, dream again, and deeper." This time around, I am trying to dream smarter, as well.

I step, perhaps a little sadly, into the great grey fog before me. Just me, and my father God. Though I seek it, I cannot see His face. There is only a hand in the fog, reaching out, expecting me to trust. And I must step forward, and follow, though I ache for what I leave behind. But His hand is there to guide me, and that is infinitely comforting.

Perhaps on the other side, when the fog has lifted, I may be allowed to know why. Until then, I wish only to obey, and let go.

1 comment:

fenrissianodel said...

as a fellow ocd person I sympathize with wanting to plan, but it just doesn't work out that way in real life. you make plans they fall apart you plan again. if it's any consolation a lot of people are in the same boat as you.