Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Friday, January 1, 2010


I am scrambling to catch up to the new year. It seems to have snuck up on me suddenly this time. I suppose I don't need to do anything in particular, but I would have liked to have thought through the accomplishments and failures of the year past, and try to move towards seeing this new year as a new beginning. As it is, though, I awoke to just another day that I'm not sure what to do with. I feel behind already...

Life is moving along, however, and I am trying to see it clearly. Most of the time I don't get the point of it. Not that I would like it to end or anything, it's just the age-old questions... I'm not sure what I am supposed to be doing. I am praying for direction, and praying for a vision for the future, a story worth telling to move myself towards. I am trying to be a character worth remembering. I don't know if I am yet.

I am doing alright, though. Continuing to see God as a Father, and myself as a valued member of His kingdom. I picture myself in a room in his fortress sometimes, resting and being restored for whatever lies ahead. I am craving a mission, a purpose, an adventure. But I have to trust that He is making me ready for what is next, and that this time is not a waste. I believe I will know when it is time for me to move, and I am praying for that direction to come clearly.

All I really know to do is the work I am given, to try to be a loving friend, to continue pursuing health and growth, and to stay close to Him. There are things that I desire more deeply than I thought possible, that don't seem to be my story, and I am grieving those dying dreams for this season. I do not understand. And yet, I want nothing that is outside of His plan and His story for me. So I must let them go, and ask for a new vision to dream into.

I think if I have learned anything in the last year, it is that I can't do much on my own. I can't figure it out, and I can't always get it right, and I can't keep people in my life if they don't want to be there, no matter what I may want.

It is encouraging to me, though, to see life as kind of a long walk down the aisle. We have been promised a wedding, and a wedding feast. So I am trying to look forward and just keep stepping towards that promise. At least I know I get my wedding in the end, even if only in the end. I am fighting hard to not see Him as only the consolation prize, for I know that that is not truth.

And so, a new year begins. And though I begin it with an aching heart, I know that I cannot predict what may happen next. The story isn't over yet. My hope and prayer is that it is only now beginning...

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart. Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.


fenrissianodel said...

hey give it some time, the year is still young. hope it's warmer where you are than where I am.

Jo said...

Where are ya?

fenrissianodel said...

columbus Ga same place I've been the past 3 months. lol. it's unnaturally cold here. been well
below freezing every morning.