Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

A New Story

I felt different this morning when I woke up. I remember that distinctly. I remember feeling like the world was not such a dreary place, and that the morning sunlight filtering in through my blinds felt fresh, and new, and even a bit magical. I pondered writing a story about the magical properties of sunlight... I have missed it in these long, cold, dreary days.

I made a decision today. I started crying on my lunch break again, and wondered how on earth I could make it several more years at some desk in front of a computer, doing pointless things. I have not been inspired to write in so, so long. I don't feel there is much to write about. As a child I was filled with wonder and dreamed big dreams, only to grow up and find myself in a grey cubicle, going nowhere. These past years have shown a sad, slow death for my creative heart. And that is not the way it should be.

But I started crying today on my lunch break, and that little voice inside me grew into a roar, and I realized suddenly that my fear of risk, and the unknown, is nothing compared to my fear of the mediocre, and the life I have come to know. For I could choose this, and make ten dollars an hour for the rest of my life at a desk job, hoping some amazing guy is going to notice me and take me away from here. Or I can change everything, and go my own way, and pursue what I want, and find someone or something in the adventure worth writing about...

And so, I have chosen a new story. One that terrifies me, and therefore, is bound to be worth telling.

I think I will give myself a year to prepare. It may take that long for me to find a family who is a good match for me (I am seriously considering overseas nanny jobs), and there is much I still need to do here. And, truth be told, I love this city... I think I would like another year to say goodbye. But it will be a year that counts, and I will be moving towards something better, and that will make all the difference.

Although this is just the beginning, I believe a new chapter has finally begun... I find hope renewed in my heart. It seems a new story was just what I have been missing.


GreenPilot said...


I am excited to read about your new adventures.

go shatter the Earth, Jo. follow your dreams. see where they lead.

fenrissianodel said...

I wouldn't be too sad, you have a decent life, and it looks like you're working your way to an even better one. a little optimism every now and then never hurt ;)