Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Weary Days

The days have grown cold and crisp, the leaves have all turned into radiance, and are letting go, one by one, to the playful breeze. I have begun to just bundle up, grab my coffee to go, and frequently forget to stop and take a deep breath.

The sun is just coming up when I leave for work, and setting as soon as I get off. I miss daylight in the evenings and sunshine on my skin, and layering tank tops. Yet Autumn and Winter are just a different perspective on beauty. I will also miss them when they go.

Lately I have felt like I have lost my way. You know that instant you realize that you are honestly and truly lost and don't know how to find your way back to something familiar? I don't know how to find my way back. But maybe I'm not supposed to find something familiar. Maybe I am supposed to take another risk and step out into something new.

It is terrifyingly obvious to me that this season of my life is coming to an end. I'm not ready for it to end. But I, like the leaves, seem to have no say in when the letting go happens. I just hope I find a safe place to crash before long...

The restlessness is stirring up in me again, and I just stand here in practical helplessness, because there are bills to pay, and a lonely gray cubicle I have to fill in order to pay them. I have a lot of dreams, but I have already begun to see them fading, already felt the inevitable cynicism taking over the timid optimist in me. Perhaps I need a good fiction novel to help me keep my head on straight.

I am surrounded by people at work who are in the same boat I am in. Am I not the one that's supposed to be showing them how to live this well because I have been redeemed? Instead I have blended in with the crowd and taken to just surviving every day, as if I have not been filled with a spirit of hope, or tasted living waters.

Once again, I have no answers, merely observations. Tomorrow is just another passing day on the calendar. Or would be, without God. And I just don't feel Him very close tonight. I am weary of working, and weary of dreaming, and weary of disappointment and mistakes. I am weary of myself tonight.

But maybe He knows things that I don't know just yet. So I will try to get up in the morning and believe...

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