Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Writer's Block Continued...

I have been a bit stressed of late. I wish I could explain why, in intricate detail, and poetically, but my inspiration seems to have gone on strike. I can't imagine what its demands must be. More sleep, probably. More time to myself to think, more reading, more laughing. No more stressing about finances. Yeah... right.

I have been fighting myself a lot lately, trying to hold my life together while it rips apart at the seams... I am, of course, being dramatic, because I know it only feels that way. In reality, I am blessed, and secure in the hands and grace of Almighty God. But I can't feel it right now, so I am scared and stressed out nonetheless.

I have worked hard recently to get my apartment clean and keep it that way, in order to reduce the stress. It is a daily battle that I often lose, however. I have had several bad days this week, which I continue to blame on lack of sleep. I rarely make it to work when I want to (I am blessed to have a job where there really isn't an "on time," I just have to get my 40 hours in), I frequently spill my coffee somewhere between my apartment, my car, and my business, and I've taken to cursing at my cats when they get in my way... the list goes on.

What I am really trying to say here is that I am frustrated with life, and feel completely overwhelmed. And my writing (or lack thereof) reflects that.

It all started when my school loans came due. Every month, after the bills were paid, and life was lived, I had about $100 left over, which went to savings. Now, with a $200 loan payment, I have absolutely nothing going into savings, and I have to be very careful about my spending elsewhere as well.

It may just come down to me getting a second job, like at Starbuck's or Barnes & Noble or something. But I'm already tired as it is, so I'm not sure how that would work. I am hoping that somewhere in all of this, God has a beautiful plan for it to work out. :) I am just struggling to see it right now.

It's just funny to me what I had planned for my life. By now I was supposed to be a thriving nanny in another country, writing stories and dating some cute British guy with a fantastic accent, who knew more than I do about literature. I was going to have my loans paid off in ten years, max. And then I was going to get married, travel, and get a book published before I started having kids. Ha!

I suppose it could all still happen. But it looks like my world is going to be a lot different than that for a good long time. Unless there's a miracle approaching that I don't know about. But the good news is, I am extremely adaptable, and I love Chattanooga deeply. I love my church, and my friends, and I can accept my job for a season. I don't have to give up on all my dreams simply because they haven't been handed to me just yet. I just get discouraged because most of the things I want intensely feel very much out of reach right now.

It just makes me wonder if I'm doing anything of value at all in this season. All I want is to live it well, to love people well, and to become a woman who delights the heart of God. Perhaps I am closer than I feel right now. Probably this melancholy is nothing that a good night's sleep and a creative, well-written children's book series wouldn't cure. I intend to invest in both very soon.

Here's hoping the next post will be more inspired and uplifting. I need to get some stuff done before the work week begins anew.


Lu said...

I'm sorry life has got you down... yes, sleep does help the blues!! BTW, have you tried a hardship forbearance on the school loans? It might help while you figure out how to decrease the amount of bills or increase the amount of income coming in!!! We know ALL about school loans and not being able to pay them!!! Hope this helps!

brd said...

Freelance writing for fun and profit?

Anonymous said...

Take it from someone who has deferred, forbeared, deferred, and forbeared more. The longer the interest accrues, the higher that bill is going to get. Take a 2nd job NOW (while you have no other "strings" to keep you from it) and trust God to give you the energy to make it. Working hard to pay your bill is exhilirating (sp?) and freeing...