Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Sunday, March 2, 2008


I went to a Leap Day party this weekend. I had so much fun! Throughout the course of the evening, people would throw out quesions that everyone had to answer, and one of the questions that came up was: If you had to come up with the title for the story of your life, what would the title be?

Now the questions were all in good fun, and we made all kinds of jokes about what our titles would be. In fact, at one point we decided that my title could be: "He Said No!" because I had been joking about the cascade of rejection that had befallen me this week in regard to guys I know. It's been quite a bad week for me to be caring about people. I'm not really sure if I'm doing something wrong, or if I just need to stop trying to make friends with guys. I've had so many people tell me that that's just not a good idea, and I've ignored them for so long... and yet...

It is amazing to me... the power we have over one another. How the men in my life have affected me, motivated me, changed the way I see myself, changed who I want to be. By their affection or rejection, they have all had their say in the story of my life... they have all written their lines, for better or for worse. And I have written a line or two in their stories as well. It is scary to think about, really.

God gave us such power when he gave us one another. He made us so opposite and then said that we could live together, that we could marry and become one flesh and make babies together. And I wonder what he was even thinking sometimes, or how it ever works at all.

Who is he, I wonder? The guy that God will use to change the way I see? Who is the guy that will choose me over all the others? Who is the missing character in my story?

I love it when a couple has been married awhile, and you're having a conversation with one of them, and they're so intimate that they don't even use the others' name anymore... they'll just say "He was saying the other day..." or "have you talked to her about it?" and it always takes me a second to figure out who they're referring to, but in their mind there is no mistaking. I love that.

I want to be a "her" in a man's life. I want to find the "he" who will be so woven into my life story that he makes it into my sentences without need of a name.


The one willing to say yes to "will you take this woman...?"

The one who'll write this story alongside me.

They say I am a hopeless romantic. And it must be true. All I know is, if I had to pick a title, with that in mind, I would like to call it... He.

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