The Winds of Change

It finally happened.

The knowledge is in my head but hasn't quite sunk down into those mysterious places where I believe in things, so I feel strangely suspended... somewhere between the inevitable and the now.

When I first moved to Chattanooga, in August, there were many lonely, sleepless nights where I knew I couldn't go on much longer with the way things were, where I was bent to the breaking point, and stretched beyond my limit financially, emotionally, and mentally. I was at a loss for what to do, and in my anguish threw a prayer out from my soul, begging whatever God there was to end my life or change it so completely that I couldn't even recognize it.

Little by little, over the past few months, things have been changing, and I, in my stubbornness, admit that I still remain skeptical about “God's” hand in it all. Maybe it was coincidence. Maybe it would have happened even if I hadn't prayed at all. Maybe, maybe, maybe...

Maybe I'm just afraid to believe, to really believe, in a God who knows me intimately and has heard everything I've said for all those years...

What a scary thought that is. He knows you. He knows me. He heard me, every time.

So I had an interview last Friday with a health insurance company, and I was offered the job by Sunday afternoon. I start shortly after Thanksgiving. The pay is great, compared to what I have been making, and there's a lot of opportunity to move up in the company if my productivity is good. It's a desk job, related to medical billing. It sounds interesting to me, and the thought of a real paycheck... well, let's just say this is long overdue. But to me it feels like one of the last pieces of a puzzle I thought could never be completed.

I'm going to use my first paycheck to get the CV joints and possibly the break pads replaced in my car, pay off half my credit card, and buy a funky pair of glasses. How I've lived this long on $700 a month I don't know, but it's finally, finally over and I couldn't be happier.

Consequently, the tree outside my window has turned a radiant color of red, seemingly overnight, and I am reminded that it is good to be alive. The leaves took their time in changing this year, probably because it has been so dry, but now they seem to have realized that it really is Fall, and they're well on their way to turning the mountainside into that patchwork of yellow, orange, red, brown, and a myriad of colors that have no name.

Is it silly of me to think that they waited on me all that time, and brought out their colors to celebrate with me the joy of living? More likely that I was so wrapped up in my problems, however legitimate, that I forgot to look outside the window every now and again to see all that lies beyond my little world. Whatever the case, I'm beginning to believe again, and maybe that's the reason for Autumn anyway.

I'm looking forward more than ever now to cubicle humor!

Curse the TV writer's strike... not that I really blame them, though.