Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

The Blessings of a Season

I have three words for you: Vanilla Spiced Rum. It's my new favorite coffee creamer by International Delight. It has a polar bear on the bottle. You should get off your computer, go get in your car, drive to Wal-mart, and get some right now. It's that good. And then you should come back and finish reading my blog.

Today I am thoroughly happy. I finally got to sleep in and just enjoy a morning alone. And I tried the new creamer, which made me realize that I am happy and blessed, and moving towards a life of contentment. All that, combined with the promise of a new job... well, lets just say I'm excited about living today! Which always makes me want to write. Thank God for mornings off to blog!

I was thinking today about prayer, and how I didn't really believe in it for so long, and then suddenly started believing again, and how that's changed everything for me. Pretty much everything I've prayed for in the past couple of years has been answered... and much of it within the last three months of my life.

When I graduated from college, the big thing was that I didn't have a car and a cell phone, and I prayed about it, and eventually got that nanny job, and ended up leaving with an awesome car and my very own cell phone plan. I also got this laptop for my birthday, thanks to my amazing brother. Those three things were on the top of my list of things I "needed" to be a complete person. When I left Atlanta and moved back to Tennessee, to a small town outside of Chattanooga, I hit a dry spell. Things got tougher financially, relationally, etc., and it was just more than I could handle. I stopped believing in anything, and did my best to kill my desires, because I just didn't believe I'd ever get to have them.

That's all changed now. God (I really do believe it is Him!) is reviving all of the dead places in me. I'm actually beginning to believe that my wildest dreams may come true, and I'm no longer trying to crush them for fear of hope deferred. Is this what contentment is? Perhaps I have finally made it.

But here's the thing... in my most desperate hours, I have prayed for friends, for a community, for a mentor, for a place that felt like home, for a better paying job, for healing from my past. And honestly... every single one of those prayers either has been answered or is in the process of being answered, even as I write this. What am I supposed to do with that? I think I am a little afraid of the responsibility of having my prayers answered. Maybe something is required of me now that I am on the receiving end of blessing. I wonder what it is, though?

There are still a few dreams that haven't been touched yet; deeper dreams, that no one, or only a very select group of people know about. I'm learning to trust, but I'm not to the point of trusting anyone - including God - with those just yet. I don't think it's time for those yet anyway. But my pastor recently challenged us to go ahead and dream the big dreams, and to start praying about them and see what happens.

I have been, though I must admit that I'm skeptical. Am I ready for them? I don't know. If I desire something so deeply, it must be part of who I am, or who I'm supposed to be, in such a way that I could easily adapt if it were actually an option. Do you think God loves me that much, though? I've got some pretty big dreams. If I am loved that deeply, I never even suspected it until now.

All that to say, I think I'm being prepared for something big. I think that all of this isn't just coincidence, and that I'm being blessed right now to strengthen my faith for whatever lies ahead. Is that too Christianized? Am I being preachy? It is not my intention to be. I just know who I used to be, and there are only traces of that now. I just know that I've been changing, that my whole life has been changing and becoming better, and it all started with prayer and a step of faith into a baptismal pool.

I just know that I am excited about my life now, that I am recognizing the blessings of this season, and that I'm looking forward to what lies ahead...

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