Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Single White Female in Search of... Life?

Hello blog readers!

Alas, I have been a slacker, and have not been posting. In fact, I have been a slacker in many areas of my life of late… my place is a mess, my car needs to be cleaned out, I haven’t really worked out or even started tanning for the summer… *sigh* I did, however, make it to the grocery store to spend more money than I can really afford on stuff I “need” for the next week or so. So that’s good. At least I have food in the fridge for the next little while. If all else fails, I’ll still be eating relatively well, and what else really matters? :)

Anyway, I’ve had much on my mind lately. I wish I could blame my lack of discipline on the fact that I’ve been working too much, but I really only worked about 22 hours this week, which allows for a lot of wonderful free time and no money to enjoy it with. I’m trying to live well anyway, going hiking or reading in the sunshine when I have an afternoon off. I'm looking forward to the pool opening soon! But this not having money is tiresome after many months. There are just so many decisions you have to make, with very little to work with, and it is truly draining.

This week I had to opt out of going to see Shrek 3 because I just can’t justify it with my current budget. I do, however, have enough to go see Pirates of the Caribbean (I’d probably live out of my car rather than skip that one in the theaters!), so I’m not too bad off just yet. I’m not really complaining about not getting to see such-and-such movie, and I hope you can read between the lines a little bit here. I do realize that I am extremely blessed despite the necessity of frugal living. What it all comes down to is that I either need to quit my current job and get a much better one, or I really need a second job. Which makes me a little nervous, if I’m being honest with myself.

All of this brings me straight to what’s been on my mind lately. What the heck do I do next?? When I was in college, I used to say that the next time someone who was married and/or financially okay told me “These are the best years of your life!” I was going to punch them in the face. Now, not only do I get angry, but I feel this creeping sense of despair as well. If this is as good as it gets, man, have I got a long way to go! I had hoped all of these years that the next stage of life might be a little better than this… so far it's just a different manifestation of difficult!

I thought for awhile (for the last week or so) that I might join the Peace Corps, and go some place exotic, and help people and myself by doing something outside my comfort zone. That would give me my chance of going somewhere else with my expenses paid, and I would just write in whatever free time I had. But I’ve put a lot of thought into it, done some research and talked to all kinds of people, and it doesn’t really seem like quite the right fit. I’d still be up for some crazy nanny/Au Pair job if somehow I could determine ahead of time that the family wasn’t, in fact, psychotic. But unless somebody knows somebody, it is just too much of a shot in the dark for me to seriously look into right now.

Apart from that, I’m playing around with some ideas I’d rather not bring up just yet, until I’ve thought through them a little more. Basically, I just feel kind of lost in a great big world, while time passes more quickly than I am comfortable with. I’m turning 25 in July. Am I not supposed to have more figured out by now? Do I have to use my English Major to get a job right now, or can I just use the knowledge I gained to explore writing in my own time, and for my own purpose? For some reason I'm unsure about getting a job that is closely related to what I ultimately want to do, but not quite the thing itself. I just feel like that's a recipe for disaster. What if I ended up hating the very thing I most enjoy?

Much too much to think about these days. I'll try to come up with something infinitely more creative to write about next time.

Til then...


Aubree said...

i'm serious about coming to china! If you don't like middle schoolers, i know of a university nearby that is hiring teachers about now and I know the contact person for it. in fact, i already have 6 friends who are there teaching and they seem to like it. The kids know a good bit of english they teach fun things like american culture and different levels of oral english and film and technology. They teach about 16 hours a week and the rest they can plan/travel/hang out and do whatever. Accomodations are good, too. School pays for all of that.... Joanna, this is me and you sitting in my car talking and I'm saying, "Stop doubting your abilities and choose something. Preferably China!!! Cause it's fun and cool and suits what you need right now - a job, some money, time to write, a different enviornment, and people who will love you!" Can you hear me saying that???

Jo said...

Hey Aubree,

Thanks for your post! I'm trying to consider my options right now... I wish I wanted to teach, because I keep finding these cool teaching jobs, but I really have no desire to do that. Just out of curiosity, though, how much would it pay? I'd have to make at least enough to pay my school loans, which is going to be a little over $200 a month. That's why I'm a bit stressed these days. Anyway, let me know if you can, thanks.

Aubree said...

hey jo! actually, teaching sounds horrendous, but really it's a lot of fun in china. it's a lot different here than in america and you kinda get into a groove. i was SOOOO worried about it - and it took me a while to get used to and of course, there are always frustrations, but its one of those things that is a lot of fun, too. I get paid $500 US dollars a month and I can easily live off of half of that (in fact, most of the time, i do) and send half home to pay my insurance which is currently $450US a month (i have partial support that helps too.)You could always teach for one year cause really one year isn't the end of the world even if you hated it. And, honestly, these kids are too darn cute to hate it.