Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Monday, May 14, 2007

...And Straight On Til Morning

Is it just me, or do we all sometimes get that voice in a little corner of our heart saying: "didn't you want more than this?" I'm not talking about a bad voice, the one that says: "You're a loser, you'll never amount to anything, just look at you!" I mean the one that's gentle, that pokes at our comfort zones and whispers: "You sure this is all you want?"

I heard it this morning. Nothing caused it, as far as I can tell; maybe a dream sparked a longing I had forgotten. All I know is, I just woke up wishing I were somewhere else, doing something else. Something just bothers me, just a little bit, about where I am in life, and where I seem to be heading.

Don't get me wrong. I'm pretty happy these days, minus the intricate budgeting I've got going here. I'm not saying I don't realize I'm blessed, or that I don't appreciate what I've achieved thus far. I'm not saying, either, that I can't choose to be happy with whatever circumstances are handed to me. This is not a cop-out or just a "wishing for whatever you don't have" kind of thing. Give me the benefit of the doubt with this one, if you will.

It is difficult to put into words. Let me attempt. Out there, all around, are other places, other cultures, other relationships with people I've never met, never experienced, never knew to know about. But I want to know. I want to go somewhere else, gain new experience. Everyone says this is the time to do that. While I'm single and can technically move anywhere I want to go. No family responsibilities, no career, no real reason to be anywhere. I'm in an ideal position to just GO, as soon as I had the money to (which may, in fact, be what's stopping me in the end).

But I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to go, didn't want to do... something else. I tried, once before, in a way. My plan was to be an Au Pair in America for a year and then take a position overseas somewhere, learn about a new culture, and write about all my experiences. But it didn't really work out that way... I'll have to spend an entire post explaining why at some point. Boy, was that a job to remember! So... scratch that idea. I'm not ready to be an Instant Mom just yet. But how else do you get overseas with your living expenses paid? I've yet to find a way!

And I know it's not just me, seeking Neverland. Because I've talked to a lot of people who have put a lot of thought into life, and every one of them have had that little voice inside that says "why don't you go?" Somewhere. Who knows where? Why don't we go?

If I had a Genie in a Lamp right now, I'd ask for two things. First, that my stupid school loans would be paid off, and I could live debt-free. Second, I would ask to travel to many cultures, discover many things that have never been written about before, to give people a voice when they can't speak for themselves. I would ask that my simple expenses be paid while I discover, write, and live for a couple of years this way. My last wish I would save for when I got back from all my travels and go "okay, so what do I do now?" I'm sure I'll need it for something important at that point, like a real job! =] Or maybe a publisher for my book from all my world travels. Or a therapist.

I don't really know how to wrap all of this up. Maybe I just needed to throw my heart out to the world and hear it echoed or ignored or just to know that someone out there heard it cry. Sometimes I just need to write, and I never know the purpose of it, only that it must be done. Maybe God has a purpose in all of this that I don't know about yet.

Maybe, just maybe, the life I'm looking for does exist, and maybe I'll find a way to go. Second star to the right...


Chris said...

I almost moved to Denver because of that voice.

Aubree said...

hey - it IS possible if you want it to happen. Little baby steps are the way. I know of a middle school about an hour away from me who are looking for English teachers next year. They give you a place to stay and a stipend to live off of (which is MORE than enough in China.) They pay probably around $500 US dollars a month which you can live off of half if not less and use the other hald to keep paying off your school debt at home. And, hey, I'd be near by doing similar things. It IS a blast. And it's possible... seriously possible.

Don't settle, Jo. Don't settle.

Jen said...

Hey, sorry to butt in, but I can't just leave without saying anything. I'm just a random blog reader, you can ignore me if you like.
Next time you hear that voice, just ask where and doing what. You'll be surprised at what God might tell you. I really think he's prompting you to something. Find out what.