Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Monday, October 6, 2008

I Wonder Sometimes About the Outcome...

If there is any way possible, I am going to bed early tonight, because I have not slept nearly enough in the past couple of weeks to be capable of handling the basic issues of life. I know that much for sure. If only there was a job where I got paid to sleep at least 40 hours a week... with mandatory overtime! I don't think I would ever be unemployed again.

My life seems to be out of my control at the moment. And that's fine. That will have to be fine with me, because if I know God, I may as well let go now and save myself the trouble of skinned knees...

There are a billion other things I am supposed to be doing right now. I can't seem to motivate myself to do any of them, and I still haven't figured out why. One thing I know for sure is that I'm glad I'm not dating anyone right now. I can barely keep track of what's going on with me and my kitten, much less anything outside of my little apartment. I'm pretty sure I'd be the meanest girlfriend ever in this stage of life.

I keep joking with people about how I'm having a quarter-life crisis. You know it's bad when your life starts feeling like a John Mayer song. It's just that most of the things I thought I wanted in life, even things that I've wanted my entire life so far, I have recently discovered I may not want anymore. Living alone has allowed me to take a good, long, honest look at who I am, and explore who I might hope to be. And what I've found isn't at all what I expected to find...

One thing that really scares me is that I am much older in years than I am in life experience. Someone recently pointed out to me that I'm closer to thirty now than twenty. And I'm sure that's significant somehow, but honestly I know what I've been through and I know that I've really just started my life, and there's nothing I can do now about the past. I'm sick of trying to catch up, and I think I'm in the process of learning how to just stop trying.

It seems I have finally learned that there is a line between giving up and letting go that I had never taken notice of before.

I think I may be searching for direction once again. I keep threatening to reinvent myself, complete with hair dye, funky glasses, and dressing even weirder than I already do. I think I've proclaimed to everyone and their mother that I'm definitely not into dating right now. And I'm pretty sure that anyone paying any kind of attention knows that I rely daily and heavily on the sure grace of God...

But what am I supposed to be doing? Where am I supposed to be going? Who am I supposed to be? Is there something I was supposed to have done by now? They are age-old questions with no definitive answers.

This is definitely an interesting and unexpected season. I am curious to see who comes out at the end of it.

I guess you could say that: "I wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdict-less life."


brd said...

New hair color definitely, but life continues to be a mystery (well beyond 30) and somehow I think it is the ability to revel, somewhat, in the mystery that can make us grow and change.

Meaning in life seems to come in striving for the good when it doesn't come in the form of a list and striving for love when it doesn't arrive in a carriage.

Anonymous said...

Scott here, yeah you definitely aren't alone, a lot of people feel behind in life I know I definitely do. take care!