I Wonder Sometimes About the Outcome...

If there is any way possible, I am going to bed early tonight, because I have not slept nearly enough in the past couple of weeks to be capable of handling the basic issues of life. I know that much for sure. If only there was a job where I got paid to sleep at least 40 hours a week... with mandatory overtime! I don't think I would ever be unemployed again.

My life seems to be out of my control at the moment. And that's fine. That will have to be fine with me, because if I know God, I may as well let go now and save myself the trouble of skinned knees...

There are a billion other things I am supposed to be doing right now. I can't seem to motivate myself to do any of them, and I still haven't figured out why. One thing I know for sure is that I'm glad I'm not dating anyone right now. I can barely keep track of what's going on with me and my kitten, much less anything outside of my little apartment. I'm pretty sure I'd be the meanest girlfriend ever in this stage of life.

I keep joking with people about how I'm having a quarter-life crisis. You know it's bad when your life starts feeling like a John Mayer song. It's just that most of the things I thought I wanted in life, even things that I've wanted my entire life so far, I have recently discovered I may not want anymore. Living alone has allowed me to take a good, long, honest look at who I am, and explore who I might hope to be. And what I've found isn't at all what I expected to find...

One thing that really scares me is that I am much older in years than I am in life experience. Someone recently pointed out to me that I'm closer to thirty now than twenty. And I'm sure that's significant somehow, but honestly I know what I've been through and I know that I've really just started my life, and there's nothing I can do now about the past. I'm sick of trying to catch up, and I think I'm in the process of learning how to just stop trying.

It seems I have finally learned that there is a line between giving up and letting go that I had never taken notice of before.

I think I may be searching for direction once again. I keep threatening to reinvent myself, complete with hair dye, funky glasses, and dressing even weirder than I already do. I think I've proclaimed to everyone and their mother that I'm definitely not into dating right now. And I'm pretty sure that anyone paying any kind of attention knows that I rely daily and heavily on the sure grace of God...

But what am I supposed to be doing? Where am I supposed to be going? Who am I supposed to be? Is there something I was supposed to have done by now? They are age-old questions with no definitive answers.

This is definitely an interesting and unexpected season. I am curious to see who comes out at the end of it.

I guess you could say that: "I wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdict-less life."