Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Monday, July 19, 2010

The Other Girl

Some days it just doesn't take much beyond the normal stress we endure as humans to push us over the edge. I have been worried about making ends meet, fixing my car, about somehow, some day, making some sort of future for myself... though when I am being really honest I have no idea how... and with that weighing heavy on my heart it didn't take much else.

It was just a text. Just a comment, made by a close friend, intended as a joke. And usually I can take a joke at least as well as anyone, if not better. Growing up with a brother and all the neighborhood boys taught me how to have a fairly thick skin to surround this tender heart of mine. But tonight I just needed a kind word, and I got the opposite. I just wanted to know that I was more than what I felt, and instead I was reminded of what I lack.

Perhaps a large part of it is my fault, for taking a bleeding heart to another broken human and expecting acceptance. But we are all stuck here together, til Kingdom Come, so sometimes other broken humans seem the logical choice. I don't know how to make it through a day here without some bumps and bruises to show for it. Maybe I'm just doing it wrong somehow, but that is life as I know it.

The Bible says we have the power of life and death in our words. Tonight I believe it is true, without doubt. I feel death shoving its greedy fingers into the hurt and lonely places in me, and I can't seem to get them out. Perhaps another glass of water and a good night's sleep will clear my head, but what will it take to clear the pain out of my heart? I feel a little lost and bewildered.

It was just a simple joke about another girl being prettier than I. But we live in a world where nothing is ever good enough, where there is always someone prettier, and richer, and better. I know by now, especially after this year, that we live in a world where I may never be enough. I am trying to face that reality bravely. I am trying to forgive, to move on. I am trying to be the best me that I can be, despite who I am not. But I am oh, so weary of longing to be the other girl...

I don't have much resolution for you tonight. Just a few tears that were 27 years in the making. I lie down and pray for healing tonight, and that one day a guy might look at me and not just see what I lack. Someday, maybe, someone will look right past the other girl and see me.