Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Monday, July 19, 2010

The Other Girl

Some days it just doesn't take much beyond the normal stress we endure as humans to push us over the edge. I have been worried about making ends meet, fixing my car, about somehow, some day, making some sort of future for myself... though when I am being really honest I have no idea how... and with that weighing heavy on my heart it didn't take much else.

It was just a text. Just a comment, made by a close friend, intended as a joke. And usually I can take a joke at least as well as anyone, if not better. Growing up with a brother and all the neighborhood boys taught me how to have a fairly thick skin to surround this tender heart of mine. But tonight I just needed a kind word, and I got the opposite. I just wanted to know that I was more than what I felt, and instead I was reminded of what I lack.

Perhaps a large part of it is my fault, for taking a bleeding heart to another broken human and expecting acceptance. But we are all stuck here together, til Kingdom Come, so sometimes other broken humans seem the logical choice. I don't know how to make it through a day here without some bumps and bruises to show for it. Maybe I'm just doing it wrong somehow, but that is life as I know it.

The Bible says we have the power of life and death in our words. Tonight I believe it is true, without doubt. I feel death shoving its greedy fingers into the hurt and lonely places in me, and I can't seem to get them out. Perhaps another glass of water and a good night's sleep will clear my head, but what will it take to clear the pain out of my heart? I feel a little lost and bewildered.

It was just a simple joke about another girl being prettier than I. But we live in a world where nothing is ever good enough, where there is always someone prettier, and richer, and better. I know by now, especially after this year, that we live in a world where I may never be enough. I am trying to face that reality bravely. I am trying to forgive, to move on. I am trying to be the best me that I can be, despite who I am not. But I am oh, so weary of longing to be the other girl...

I don't have much resolution for you tonight. Just a few tears that were 27 years in the making. I lie down and pray for healing tonight, and that one day a guy might look at me and not just see what I lack. Someday, maybe, someone will look right past the other girl and see me.


Mikael Bus Heed said...

Hey there girl that I don't know. You know that other girl, the one you are "weary of longing to be"? I DO know her. She's a bitch, you don't want to be her. Anyway, you couldn't ever be! You can fake it, but in the end you can only be who you are. So why feel bad about it? It's so simple you need to be as dumb as me to see it! No guy will ever look past that other girl and see you until you tell her to go away. (Or ignore her rather, since she craves attention!) Some things we can change, others we can not. I believe you actually put the solution to your problem in your blog when you wrote: "we live in a world where nothing is ever good enough, where there is always someone prettier, and richer, and better". Well there, fuck it then. Why bother trying to be #1 when it's impossible? (Unless the heat of battle is what gets you going, that is OK too.) Why even compare yourself to other people at all when there are so many around that you couldn't even catch a glimpse of 1 percent of them in a lifetime? Think about that for a second... ;) Why not spend that time and energy on something you enjoy instead? You can "play the game" like the rest of them, occasionally basking in the glory of victory and hurt in the face of defeat, or you can "play the ukulele". The thing about playing metaphorical music as opposed to metaphorical poker is that the music actually gets better as more players join in! In the metaphorical poker game the winner gets more money when he goes home, but everyone else loses the same! Hm I might have veered off track a bit here. And I've been playing around with my new harmonica at the same time as I've been writing this. I've been trying to play that Bobby McFerrin song... *whistling* ;P

Jo said...

Thanks for the kind words! They are much appreciated.

Anonymous said...

Growing up I always felt as if I was never going to pretty enough, never going to be skinny enough, never going to be good enough to be in a certain guys "world", and ya know what? As I look back on my last 27 years... those guys who I thought that about, they are not necessarily the happiest guys in the world. Some ended up with babies before they were ready (better them than me!) and others are married to people they should not be because they settled upon.

I have also come across people who hands down think I am amazing just as I am. Those are the people who matter, those are the people you should surround yourself with. In the end, you are the one who is losing by comparing yourself to others, and I can say that because I learned that first hand! And since I put those thoughts to bed, I have been a lot happier!