Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

To Stand and Wait

I need to give myself a break. It has become abundantly clear to me by now. In fact, I need it so badly that God is practically forcing it on me....

"Rest, child..." He keeps saying. I won't do it. So then my job sends me to work from home. He takes away about a billion distractions I had struggled to fill the emptiness with and says: "Rest." I don't like it. I don't like the silence; the being alone with myself. I don't like my mess. I don't like spinning my wheels. "I want to be DOING something!!" I frequently remind Him. I pray for other jobs. I ask about marriage. I fight, I yell. I squirm and cry.

I don't like it. But that's all He's really giving me right now....

I succumb. Lately I've just been giving in. Its not as bad as I had feared. There are just lots of things I need to work on, and I know it. And positive growth feels like it takes so very long. Worth it, in the end, I have no doubt. But... I am twenty-seven already... why must it take so long?

This is not the fun part. I am living with an open wound, and it hurts. He's opened me up, and is cleaning everything out... I am fully aware of the pain of having all my weaknesses, insecurities, and bad habits exposed to the elements. And what's worse... to the eyes of those around me. An absolutely nightmare, to a desperate approval-seeker such as myself.

Will it ever be over? I know I will never "arrive" but will there, someday, be a day when I'm all cleaned out and healed up and moving forward into a beautiful life...? Will I be able to write, to love, to help others someday?

I search daily for that Gateway to Hope. I ache to abandon the master/worker relationship, and move into something much, much more intimate. I don't want to miss a second of real relationship with Him. And I realize... that is also His desire. How ironic that I find resting to be such hard work. For me, this resting and trusting is the hardest path I have yet chosen. But what else really matters?

I am anxious for a season of action, a season of change. I am anxious for love to be a verb, and not just a fictional ideal. I am oh, so anxious for Hope to come to me again, and repair the wings on these dreams of mine...

How long, O Lord?

Once again, I am reminded to be still, and know Him as my God.

They also serve, who only stand and wait...


Rob Osborn said...

I think you hit the mark, at least for me, with the 'master/worker' relationship idea. I can totally relate to that concept. I've wondered for a long time why i can't just sit still. I know that that's all He wants...but, even though i know i can't earn a thing, i still keep trying. Rest would be nice.

GreenPilot said...

deep stuff, jo. I applaud your transparency and encourage you in your quest for rest.