Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Life is... Better.

Life just doesn't make sense sometimes. Right now it is one of those seasons for me. The only difference this time is that I think I may be okay with it. I think I am at a place where, despite the chaos and confusion, and "things not going as I planned" and all of that... despite it all, I am finding that I am still okay, and still moving in a direction that I believe to be healthy.

I have done a lot of running around lately, chasing one dream or another, and I suppose I have learned a lot doing it. But I think what I have learned most distinctly is that I'm pretty okay with where my life is now. I wasn't expecting that at all. But it is very refreshing.

I find myself longing for the slower pace, the deeper conversations with my girl friends, the occasional undefined is-it-a-date-or-not outing with a guy. Really, its too exhausting to try to want more than this right now. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but I am trying to let life just be what it is, and be happy there...

I have been recently pondering whether we are who we are because we are made that way, or we are who we are because we choose to be...? I feel like I have been "more myself" in these last couple of months, where I am choosing to be and do things I've never done before, than I have ever been before. But was I already programmed to be this person...? Who knows for sure.

The point is that I feel like I am starting to live my life, stepping outside of my comfort zone, which I have found does not really hold a lot of comfort after all, only regret. And I am having a blast! Honestly, I wish I hadn't wasted so much time before I got here...

But no point looking back now... I've got the rest of my life ahead of me, and it looks like it might be beautiful...

1 comment:

Samantha Gibson said...

told you-on the 'edge of greatness'-and it just keeps getting better!

love ya girl