Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Great Expectations

Awaking with gentle sunshine on my face, and without that sense of morning exhaustion that I am so used to these days; I feel good about today. I need a big, fat cup of coffee in a minute. And I think one of my friends wanted to work out this morning. But I need to take a moment, while I have a moment, and enjoy the sunshine and the feeling that I finally rested enough to enjoy the day and live it well.

I think life is just about to get better... I can feel it right now, in my half-conscious state, and underneath all my sleepiness I am excited about the change. I have been coming dangerously close to settling in to mediocre. But God and I have a deal about that... I've promised to get my lazy butt up and keep moving whenever I notice I may be settling for less, and He says He's got something better for me if I just don't give up. I know we can't really make deals with God that way, because you can't earn anything on your own strength, but I'm telling you, this one works! Its like tithe, Man. Miracles happen.

I even got annoyed last week, when I was just reading random verses in the Bible and I came across the one that says: "Do not grow weary in doing good, for in due time you will reap..." But I AM weary!! I cried, I can't help it!!! I have grow quite weary, actually. That is a perfect description of how I have felt of late. But God, more than anyone, knows that I am human and knows my limits and my potential and knows (Lord, help me in my unbelief) what He is doing. Right? Because if that isn't true, then I'm wasting my time with another "god" who isn't really God, and I don't want to go back there.

I want, very much, to move forward in life. And yet, in "growing up," I am so afraid of losing that childlike faith in me. I have seen it fade as I move towards accepting the "real world," and while it is true that I am growing up and I want to be responsible, does that mean that I have to lose my heart in the process? Isn't that what's killing the writer in me? Because, after all, this isn't exactly quality literature, folks. It's okay... I know already. :) I'm just doing the only thing I know to do, and that's to keep writing no matter what...

But how long has it been since I really, honestly believed? How long since I thought I saw a gnome in the grass or "knew" there was pirate treasure buried in the sand beneath my toes? Am I growing cynical? Calloused? I feel torn between two worlds and I can't keep my foot inside both of them. I don't know how. So do I have to just pick one? But I can't bear to lose the one I'll have to lose if I choose "reality." I am just not convinced that that's what's really real...

Sometimes I sort through my own thoughts by writing them down, and that's what this has turned into. So I apologize, to anyone who doesn't know me, or doesn't know me well. But I have been given this imagination that has made the traditional ideas of growing up very difficult for me. I have no problem with taking care of myself and paying my own bills and voting and doing my taxes. For someone as scatterbrained as I can be sometimes, I think I have done quite well with all of that in the past few years of making it on my own. But there's the other side of me... the one, I guess, that is supposed to be a writer, the creative side that I don't show to everyone, because let's face it, sometimes people don't handle it well.

I am out of control with my commas today. Wow.

Anyway... I am still searching for myself, I think. I didn't realize it until just now. I thought I had a pretty good grasp of who I am, but its not true quite yet. I know who I am in the real world, and I know who I am when I lose myself in imagination and creativity, but I have yet to merge the two successfully. Perhaps I am afraid of the clash of those two worlds. Or is it just the loss of acceptance that I fear?

Here's a thought. Maybe God has a plan. Maybe he even made me and loves me and therefore wants me to be successful, so he knows exactly what I need to do. Maybe he wanted a Jo in the world, after all, and I wasn't really a mistake, as I have so often despaired to believe.

But how do I get others to see it, too? How do you inspire a lost world to keep believing? So many have sold out, and given up, and forgotten who they were, or don't even know who they could be. And my heart bleeds for them. But, silly me, God would have a plan for them, too, now wouldn't he?

So I am going to work on the merging of the two worlds inside me, and trust that God knows, and God does. Maybe that's why I awoke to sunshine, and the feeling that life was about to get better.

I guess, if ever the Real and Creative worlds were to meet, it would make sense that they would be inside a very Real and Creative God...

1 comment:

Samantha Gibson said...

hey Jo, i have thoroughly enjoyed getting acquainted with your blog! chris and i were discussing some topics this morning that were very reminiscient of this post, so he sent me a link to your blog-and i have to say, your writing is eloquent, real, and very easy to relate to. really, truly, enjoyable to read.

i especially appreciated your tone of faith and excitement, especially in the midst of this 'weariness' that seems to come hand in hand with living on an earth yet unredeemed by the Lord. my trust in what He's doing wavers not solely because my life is nothing that i thought, or wanted, it to be-but because i know that once one wearying obstacle is overcome, another is sure to follow. i don't fear cynicism, but an apathy that sneakily overwhelms all else.

in light of that shadow, i yearn for childlike faith, and have learned to embrace it in whatever form it takes-my literal little ones at church, a hidden church in the middle of nowhere, running in grass-moments where my heart is free, light, and sure that a good God created me for something, anything, but especially for this moment. all i can encourage you to do is find those moments, and live them fully, deeply, and without thinking about who's around (or not around for us single gals). i'm sure that sounds trite and basic, but my semi-apathetic, weary heart needs those reminders of how good faith is, instead of how hard it is, every chance i can get.

oh-and you should be published :-)