Stream of Unconscious

Often I wake in the middle of the night with thoughts and visions that must be written. A lot of it may seem like mere rambling, but I am a born writer; I need to see what happens to my words once they stare back at me from the pages of my computer screen. Since I am ususally more than half-asleep when this happens, I jokingly entitled the original document: "Stream of Unconscious." Now that I am finally starting to publish in a blog (as so many people have suggested I should do!), I thought the title remained appropriate.

Saturday, July 7, 2007

In Search of a Story

Hello, friends.

I'm a little lonely tonight, with a lot on my mind.

I've spent the past couple of hours (oh, who am I kidding? More like 3 or 4!) looking for jobs in Chatty, reading random blog postings, watching J.K. Rowling interviews on YouTube... who could ask for more on a Saturday night?

I can't help but wish inspiration would hit me. Books used to come so easily when I was a child. And even a teenager. In fact, I think I could write well until I went to college and learned the format of an essay. It was all downhill from there. I try to give my writing structure, and it all falls apart. For some reason, my creativity got squashed in college and has not yet made a full recovery. I'm still seeking answers as to why.

Still, my best work is definitely my journal. Not this one, but my personal journal, hand-written, which I've been keeping since I was like 11 or something. There I have been so brutally honest. Here, I have to watch what I say... so it doesn't offend anyone, or get to the wrong ears, or encourage some internet scumbag to continue his stalking habits. Here, everything is fairly well edited, and though I don't have a true "structure" I feel like I lose a lot in the quest to be acceptable to all audiences. Although I still want to be a writer, more than anything, I wonder sometimes how published writers do it. Perhaps I am not yet mature enough to have learned the balance of diplomacy and honest commentary on universal issues.

If only I could write both honestly and for the public. Supposedly I can... you know, Freedom of Speech and all, but I am not yet prepared to live with the consequences of writing fearlessly. I have let a select few people read some of my personal journal entries and it was one of the scariest things I have ever done. Those who have read what I write when I am writing straight from the heart have saturated me with praise. I don't know what to do with this. I have been told I am a born writer. All I know is, it is the one thing I cannot live without. To me, it is like oxygen... or dark chocolate.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am searching for my story. All my life I have been seeking it, and I had hoped it would come by now. J.K. Rowling was 25 when Harry Potter appeared to her on the train. I can only hope and pray that my story finds me soon.

I am thirsty for the writing life, though I know it will be a hard road. One of my dearest friends told me this week that I need to start at least writing articles, sending them out to magazines, and begin my collection of rejection letters. I know she is right, I just don't know what to write about yet. But I think I'm supposed to be a writer, if there is such a thing as "supposed to be," because none of these other jobs sound even close to what I really want.

Do you think God has a plan for my life and if I'm living it right I'll find my way into the writing life? Or did He give me the gift of writing and leave me here to figure it all out on my own? Am I missing something here? Is it just not time yet, or is there something wrong with me that blocks my motivation to write for publication right now?

Then again, though I may not feel it these days, I am pretty young. Most writers don't get published until they're in their 40's, and still more aren't published until after their death. That's a comforting thought. That means I'll have to have some lousy career for the rest of my life, and keep writing without knowing whether it will ever have meaning for anyone.

But I will keep writing. I know that much. I don't really care if I never get any recognition for it. I know in my heart that I'm supposed to write, that I love to write, and that I cannot not write. Maybe a publisher will choose to see that in my lifetime and maybe not, but it won't really matter either way.

I will be a writer either way. ever in search of my great story...

1 comment:

The Usual Stuff said...

At least you haven't been stuck with an unborn child for more than 10 years! It's not that the story comes, but that you let it out. Be sure to define one thing: are you writing for yourself, or for the public? If you're writing for the public, join a club and learn the techniques to please them. If for yourself, what the hell! Sit down and write, corrections can come later!