A Piece of God's Heart

I am at the close of one of the best vacations I have ever had. I feel exhausted and refreshed at the same time. More hopeful about life but dreading the return to day by day in front of the computer, doing nothing of much value.

But God has bigger plans... I can hear it in the howling wind and taste it in the salt of the sea. Out here, anything is possible. Dreams are washed out to sea and brought back again, redeemed. I always find a wild piece of God's heart out here... the part that I love so deeply. My soul responds immediately to my lack of control. I lose all track of time, all sense of responsibility. I find that I can just be, and that it is enough.

I stand and face the ocean; a vast expanse of churning, crashing mystery... and yearn to know its depths. I find God in the waves, ever-constant and powerful beyond my knowledge; they might lift me up or shove me beneath the surface, and I have little or no say in the matter, but something in me cannot help but swim forward to find out...

And thus, I am renewed. I am anchored, and set back in my place. My perspective is changed, and I hope it lasts awhile this time. I need a peace that will stay around and let me rest. I need something to look forward to, something to move towards. I need to make my life into something I don't dread waking up to. I think these last few days have shown me just how much I need that. So I must work to find the way...

How quickly time passes when we least want it to. And yet, perhaps another adventure awaits me that I know nothing of just yet. And I will never find it unless I dare to dream, and risk, and face the unknown future set before me. God, make it a good one. I am ready for more of what is good...

A Sea-Change

I slept deeply and woke up well, still feeling groggy but with joy inside. A good strong cup of coffee will cure the rest. I have a full day ahead, of sand and waves and laying in the sunshine. I may even attempt surfing this afternoon, if I feel so inclined...! Sometimes life is unexpectedly good. And though these times seem all too rare, I made it here, and I may yet make it a little further down the road now. I did not know how desperately I needed to recharge....

So much on my mind, still. Maybe I can get some stuff sorted out this weekend. There is one thing that bothers me more than all else, and I am trying to just let it go. Almost impossible, it seems... but I will go crazy if I don't. I want to live a life of freedom, and it hasn't allowed me to be free, so it has to go. God help me, because I cannot do it on my own.

But standing before the great ocean with the wind making a mess of my hair seems the perfect place to let it all go and start over. It will be worth it in the end. However things work out, it will be worth it to let it go now. I've just got to trust that God will work it all out in the end. I don't even want it to depend on me anymore... I have never been a fan of having too much control over my circumstances. And the more I learn to trust in God as a loving father, the more I am able to set it in his hands and let him do what he's going to do anyway, just without my interfering :)

Today it is easy. I have the ocean to tackle and the sun to soak up and good food to eat that someone else is even cooking! All I have to do is enjoy my last day of 26 and let the year go. But I must learn to trust this much every day, to let the past go and move into the unknown future in faith.

And I am ready. I am ready for a change, a deeper faith, a closer relationship. I am ready to stop trying to do it myself. I am ready to let go the most important things in my world and say: "but Your will be done..." It is easy now, and we all know how hard it becomes. But I have this day, and this is where I am now. So I'm going to go live it with all I've got, and see what happens next.

Something Old, Something New

How to say what I want to say...? I'm still waking up =]

Life is going well for me, for the first time in a long time. I don't know why. I do not wish to try to explain it; my desire is just to live it well and use this chance to take a deep breath before it all changes again, as it inevitably will. That is the way Life goes for us. I no longer try to be in control, as I have found this to be useless. I only wish to let go, and enjoy the ride...

... I almost added "with arms wide open," but then realized this would then become a Creed song, and not a blog post. Ha. I was thinking about my recent trip to Six Flags, however... but I digress...

So I am rediscovering myself, and learning more about who I am every single day. I feel very stable, something I am not accustomed to. I feel alive, and joyful, like I am shedding all of the old me and letting all the newly redeemed layers show. I don't wish to resort to the overused budding flower analogy... surely there is something more creative I could compare it to? Alas...

I have gone back to some of my old loves, like soaking up the sunshine, and diving into a good novel. At the same time, though, I am trying new things at just about every opportunity I get. I feel like I stepped through some invisible door into a different life, like Alice in Wonderland. Or rather, the same life, only from another angle. It is my old life still, yet everything feels brand new and full of wonder. When I awake, I feel deeply that it is not what it used to be. And I love it.

Prayer comes easily these days, and I feel my faith growing each time I devote time to it. When I pray for people, I feel God's love for them, and I know the answers are coming soon. I felt this way long, long ago. But I had forgotten...

How I ever got away from this, or why, I may never know. All I know is, I am happy now, and wish to stay this way... always growing and learning and watching Him as the author and finisher of my faith. Is it possible to remain in this state, or do we have to lose our footing in the hard times and then come back into this new life again eventually? Does Life just ebb and flow like that, or is there a way to contain stability, and store it up? When I find out, I will let the world know ;]

I think I am understanding Fatherhood, and accepting him as a father for the first time. To be honest, I never believed I would. I just always assumed I would never get to understand God in that way, because my earthly parenting was such a mess. But here I am, finally seeing him in a different way, the way I've heard so many people talk about him. I have no idea where this road leads, but I will walk it in faith and see what happens...

Amazing to me, that just when I thought life was sterile and boring, I discover what a great adventure it can be! Perhaps there was a purpose for me after all. I used to wonder every day why God wanted a Jo in the world, and what on earth he would have wanted me for. I still do not know the answers... I am only convinced that I am part of a great story, and anxious to fulfill my role in it.

This whole change in my life happened because I decided to try some new things, and open my heart up to living again... I would encourage you, next time opportunity presents itself, just to give it a try, and see where life takes you...