This New Day

This is my favorite place in the world so far... I guess it's not really a "place," more like an occurrence. But I love it when I have some free time, a cup of coffee nearby, and a computer in front of me, waiting for me to write. Sometimes the computer is replaced by the old-fashioned journal-and-pen, but you get the gist. :)

Life got a little nuts for me this month, but I think I'm starting to get my thoughts in order again, and that's a very good thing. Today I'm happy to be alive... not just okay with it, but happy. Previously I was only okay with it, so this is definitely an improvement. I think I started forgetting about the really important things and it was really getting me down...

So I'm working on coming back to life, and in time, healing my motivation. I used to be an artist, and volunteer regularly, and I used to go walking just for fun, and I used to read a lot, and plan fun events where people could get together, and write little notes for people, and all sorts of things I never do anymore. I don't know why I never do them anymore, but I want to change it all immediately. Is it weird to miss yourself? Because I think I miss myself a little bit.

Somewhere along the way I got caught up in an aspect of life I never intended to be caught up in, and it's a very dark place. Somehow I started coping with life instead of living it, and managing relationships instead of enjoying them. I started trying to figure everything and everyone out instead of appreciating them for who they are. I started trying to save people instead of simply loving them, and letting Christ do what he does best...

Basically, I've been trying to do life on my own, to make my life stable on my own, to fit all the pieces together, and write my own story, and fashion my own happy ending... make my dreams come to life somehow. And I've been miserable, because that's not possible. I don't really know what I was thinking. But the important thing is, I know better now, and I can see a little more clearly, and I can be working on changing things instead of giving up and accepting them.

I can't change the past, but I can try to do today a little better, and tomorrow even better than that. I don't really know where to start, but maybe things will become even more clear as I move in the direction I know I'm supposed to be moving in.

At least I can start the day off with hope. That seems to be such a rare thing in this world. But hope moves people when it is allowed to bloom. You can't ignore it when it has come alive in someone... and that's what I want most of all right now. To let hope live in me in such a way that it becomes contagious to the people around me... What a beautiful thing that would be!

I can't say I don't regret where I've been walking lately, but this is a new day, and all the old days have passed away and won't be coming back. There is consolation in that, if nothing else. And this day, this brand new day, is saturated with possibility...

A Variety of Things

I must learn to remind myself that it's the little things in life that make it worthwhile. I just made myself a plate of "variety sandwiches" on my favorite bread (King's Hawaiian Rolls) and couldn't believe how effectively it lifted my melancholy mood. Variety sandwiches consist of several very small sandwiches, in this case turkey, with different condiments on them. I was out of tomatoes, so I made one with mayonnaise and salt, one with honey mustard and cheese, and one with a spicy teriyaki ginger sauce, and they were all wonderful. When I have vegetables, there is even more variety to choose from. Its something I've recently started doing, and I love it. I've discovered yet another family tradition for my so far non-existent family. Yay. But cheers to the simple pleasure of a good meal, after a definite Monday.

So life's been a little scattered and hard for me lately. I've gotten myself into one of those situations where you don't know quite how you got there, and you're not quite sure if you are or are not supposed to be there, and you definitely don't know how to get yourself out again. And, as in all matters of the heart, there's no way out without a little heartache. Potentially even big heartache. Again. And of course I'm not ready for that, but of course I've gotten myself in too deep and I've now got to choose between types of heartache instead of heartache or none.

Will my life always be this way? Is this the curse of the passionate personality type? Is this the cost of being alive and vulnerable? It may well be. If it is, I wouldn't trade it for anything. But how I wish my life could just run smoothly for once. How I wish this could be simple and just work out this time... just this once.

But I don't think it will. And not because God is cruel and heartless, but just because... I don't know. Life just goes that way. We're all stuck here together, with the same old mess. I guess some of us cope with it better than others, but really we're all just stuck, and that's that. I've tried to make the best of it. But even variety sandwiches and coffee and fleece blankets and all the good things in life can't cure the brokenness of the world. And I feel like I'm stuck right in the middle of it all.

And the right thing is never the easy thing... I don't think in any case. And it's even harder when you're not sure what's truly the "right thing" and what's just legalism. And I lived with that for so, so long... how do I know I'm not just living that again? How do I know I'm not just afraid to live my life? How do I know this wouldn't work out in the end if I just gave it a chance?

I don't know. I don't feel like I know anything of value tonight. I wish I could be a little wiser and wear a little less of my heart on my sleeve. Maybe that's what God's working on with me... maybe he's just using a real-life example to convince me of why it really is a bad idea. I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much.

I wish, for once, that a good thing would come into my life and actually stay. That's the hardest part to me. Everything is so temporary. And I always give my heart to things and to people who don't stay. And I always wanted my heart to be enough to make a man stay. Not just catch his attention, not just thrill him for a little while and make him wonder, but actually be enough to make him stop in his tracks and just... stay.

But I guess that dream has to be kept on the waiting list for now. God must have other things to do right now. Your call is important to us, please stay on the line...

*sigh*

I hope one day it all makes sense. I hope, in the end, that I'm glad that I'm me, and I'm glad I was given this crazy heart, and I'm glad that I made the choices I made... I hope I'm not old and alone and sitting somewhere wishing I had lived my life while I had the chance. Either way it's a risk. I'm just hoping God notices me in the midst of this big crazy world, and realizes that I haven't really been taken care of just yet... that there's this one little dream left unfulfilled in my life, that I want much more than any of the others... I just hope he sees that.

I'm sure he does, though. He's God. Of course he sees. So for now I guess I'll be grateful for the variety of things that have been given to me thus far. And I'll keep on coming up with the little things, that will hopefully make the future I've been waiting for more than just a little bit extraordinary. Let's just hope I'm not wrong.

On Dreams...

Much on my mind these days.

Many life-altering decisions to make, and I feel incapable of making them well. This seems to be the point in life where I have to choose which dreams I allow the possibility of life, and which I abandon and leave for dead.

I suppose there isn't any way to keep the heart from being torn a bit, in the midst of the choosing... no matter which way you choose, you lose something, you gain something; you can't look back. I wish it could be different. There are so many dreams I wanted to keep...

There are many things I can't express right now. Others have already said it better than I. Tonight I find myself alone, with a question burning in my mind...

Langston Hughes

A Dream Deferred

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up

like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore--

And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?

Or crust and sugar over--

like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags

like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

My Best Friend's Wedding

Hello.

I know it's been awhile. I've had a busy week and haven't gotten around to writing until now. I spent the past weekend in Greenville, SC, for my best friend's wedding. It was great. I made all kinds of new friends and now I'm considering moving back to the Greenville area... we'll see what happens. It all depends on if I can find a job.

So the wedding was beautiful, and the bachelorette party beforehand was one of the most incredible evenings I've ever spent. We had a scavenger hunt, which ranged from asking single guys for their business cards, to finding a cop and asking if we could get a picture of the bride-to-be handcuffed. This was not allowed, however, because he said if a video ended up on YouTube he'd lose his job. He consented to let us take a picture of his handcuffs lying on the table instead. So, there you go.

One of the highlights of the evening, in my opinion, was the instructional belly dancing video we rented from the library. Picture about 7 girls in a hotel room in their pajamas, very much wired, having just eaten brownie sundaes with sparkling grape juice (no alcohol, because over half the girls weren't 21 yet, but trust me, we didn't need it), attempting to learn how to belly dance from a Russian Nite Club Dancer, who had a strange resemblance to a cross between Cher and... a man. Not even joking. She had muscles where I'm pretty certain muscles don't exist. And the video was not as "instructional" as it was advertised, so... let's just say we didn't learn a whole lot, but were extremely entertained, so it was worth it.

So now another dear friend of mine is married, and I'm left pondering what I'm going to do with my life. Sometimes I wish the decision weren't left to me. Maybe that's just Youngest Child Syndrome. But I’m pretty sure everyone goes through this, to some extent. Still, I couldn’t help feeling a little “I wish that were me” as they exchanged their vows, with adoring eyes turned upon each other. Too bad it takes two.

But I'm actually considering grad school, which is something I've never really considered before because of the expense. There's a school called Bread Loaf School of English that has a really awesome course for people who want to be writers or want to teach writing. It's three summers long and not as expensive as I'd feared it would be. If I took a nanny job with minimal expenses (I'm talking to a family in Clemson!), I'd be able to save a lot, and potentially still have a job when I came back from the summer schooling. It sounds promising at this point. We'll see what happens.

On the other hand, I could potentially stay here and work in a local coffee shop. I know the owner, and he said if I was interested in staying around long-term I might be able to work for him. Do I want to stay here long-term? That is the question. What do I really have here that's worth staying for? Do I have anything anywhere else that’s worth going for? Nothing comes to mind, sadly. Where do other people get their motivation from?

Clemson might be fun for awhile, but I've already lived in several areas of the Southeast. Shouldn't I try something else for a change? If I wasn't going to be a nanny, what other jobs would I be good at?

People keep suggesting I work for a magazine or newspaper. I don't know if I'm concise enough to work for a company like that. To be completely honest, I'm entirely sick of trying to figure out what I'm good at, trying to figure out how to convince some company that I'm wonderful so that I can work for them. It's hard to do when you're not really convinced you want to work for them in the first place.

I think I might be great at being a full-time writer if I could ever come up with a good enough story... I'm working on one, but haven't had much luck getting it out on paper. Every time I try to write it, I find that it's missing something... something... but I don't know what just yet. Maybe just plain life experience. I bet I'll be a great writer when I'm 20 years older, but what can I really write about right now that's relevant and interesting?

Actually, I'm writing a piece for Tara on the bachelorette party, the wedding, and all the goings-on in between. Whenever I get it done, I'll have to post it here. If nothing else, I'll always have writing as a recreational activity, because I thoroughly enjoy its process.

Anyone know any good, inspiring literature that might help me in the writing process? Or any funny stories about weddings or bachelorette parties? I need some inspiration about now. :)

I think that’s all for tonight.

Serenity... later?

So, I just tried this Guatemala roast coffee from Starbucks, and man, is it awesome! My morning just got a little better. I was having a pretty lousy morning, actually, and considered not even making coffee, but now I'm glad I did. True story. I'm going to stop, though, before I start sounding like those stupid McDonald's commercials that are like "Susan didn't know she had feet until she tried our coffee... now she walks everywhere!" Whoever came up with that ad campaign deserves a unique and painful experience. Maybe not death, but at least a painful experience of some sort.

Maybe I should go into advertising. I could sell things to college students with an ad like: "We're not going to tell you that something deep inside you needs this product, in fact, you probably don't need it at all, but if you're going to buy it anyway, buy it from us, because it's cheap!" I would buy from people like that. When you're in college (or just out of), every cent saved is one cent closer to a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger. Mmmmm.

So today will be the 11th day in a row that I have worked at my retail job. Sunday is my first day off in a long time. I'm like 98% sure I'm going to quit; the 2% is waiting to confirm with the school that I'll have a job with them through the end of the summer. I'll be able to save some money that way, and either put a down payment on an apartment closer to my dream job that I'm certain to get by August, or spend the money on a plane ticket overseas, to meet a very nice, patient, and unassuming family who wants me to live with them, spend their money, and occasionally babysit while I learn about their culture.

In all seriousness, though, I have been looking for Au Pair jobs. I think it could be cool to go overseas for a year as an Au Pair, and learn about other cultures and ways of life (maybe another language while I help them with English??). But then, it could be a complete disaster, and you pretty much have to take that risk. I'm trying to be realistic while not castrating my dreams and it is a tough balance. Some of the things I want are so outrageously impractical, but if I only live a "practical" life I am miserable too. I wonder where I'm supposed to fit in this world?

But as cyncial as I may be, I can't deny that this is an amazing place, full of mystery and challenge and romance and beauty. That's why I would like to experience more of it. I'm a little afraid... afraid of spending my entire life stuck in some city, sitting among my piles of junk, wishing I had the courage it would take to sell my stuff and get out, and go anywhere. I don't even go downtown Chattanooga by myself. No wonder I feel I have nothing worth writing about!

I suppose I am a Romantic through and through, despite my best efforts to be sensible. But there's a place for us as well, I think it just takes a little longer for us to find our fit because this culture seems to be run by practical, career-driven people. But last month I met this awesome hippie lady who makes incredibly beautiful jewelry and sells it at fairs, and from a little store in her basement, to raise money for an orphanage in Guatemala. I bought some of her earrings and told her I'd pray for the orphanage whenever I wear them, and so far I have remembered to. We talked for a long time, and she was very encouraging, saying that when she was about my age, in the 70's, she lived in her car and sold jewelry so she'd have something to eat.

At first I felt inspired to go out and buy and old VW van and turn it into an art studio, like I've always wanted, and then I realized that it was her contentment that attracted me so much, not just her Bohemian lifestyle. Eventually she found herself. She said she never fit the mold of a career lady and could never hold down a "traditional" job, but that she was happy, through and through, and had found a life of serenity and contentment. She spends months raising money for the orphanage, then goes down and helps out for a few months, then comes back to America and raises more money, etc. Her creations clearly show that she spends a lot of time on them, pays attention to detail, and desires to make something lasting. The best part is, her life work is not really the beads and clasps and wires she works with, but the children whose lives are changed because she cares enough give what she can for them.

I think what I most want is to be a writer who creates something influential and lasting. I don't care so much about personal immortality, but I do care that what I create is something of value, something that reflects the beauty and mystery and hope in this world. I hope that, 30 years from now (and sooner, if possible!), I will be able to say that I have found a life of serenity and contentment, and rest in the knowledge that I have created something beautiful to leave behind. That's something the people who make ads for McDonald's can't say for themselves, however monetarily rich they must be by now.

I think that achieving the kind of life that I hope for will require a decent amount of risk, which I have never been good at. Maybe going overseas will be a first step...?

I Hear the Mermaids Singing...

I'm sitting here in my apartment, thoroughly enjoying the simple quiet of the evening, and waiting for the caffeine of the day to wear off. A train passes by, singing its lonely song in the night, and I feel a little envious. I want to go, too.

But I love this. I have grown to love this Tennessee, this mountain range, this little town on the outskirts of the great city of Chattanooga. Even down to this little apartment; I love all of this. Am I really willing to let it all go? But if I choose to stay, what am I giving up, what is it that is out there, somewhere, calling me to come and find it? What is supposed to come next in life? Is there a "supposed to" at all?

No one really knows. People will always give advice, and some of it may even be good, but I've given up on finding someone who really knows what needs to happen next. I guess it's my decision, and I guess I'll just have to make something up and go for it. There are no tracks laid out for me to follow to my next destination, like the train. Only choices, millions of choices, and I guess you just pick some and give it your best. I feel like I've been doing that, though, and haven't been very successful so far. I suppose it all depends on how you measure success.

I spent the morning looking at Au Pair/Nanny jobs in exotic places. I do it for fun, but sometimes it leaves me melancholy. I'll say: "I could move to Fiji!" but I know I'll never do it, and so a little part of me is sad, and I wonder what life would be like if I could live without fear. Beautiful, I'd bet. Life would be utterly beautiful. The kind of beauty that is contagious, unmovable, and thoroughly shocking. We need more of that kind of beauty in this world.

Knowing me, though, I'll take a slightly safer route, and move to Franklin, Tennessee. There is a family there that seems genuinely caring and really just needs someone to help out. I have a couple of good friends in Nashville, which is close, and I wouldn't be too far from my friends here... I wouldn't have the stress of wondering if I'll have enough this month to get all the bills paid. But giving all of this up will be hard. And part of me says, "If you're not going to London or New Zealand or somewhere awesome, is it really worth it?"

I don't know. I haven't really lived enough (and by that I don't just mean long enough) to know what's worth what in this world. I feel like I could stand to learn a great deal by moving some place amazing, some place far away from what I've always known. But it's a huge risk, and I'm not so good at risk-taking.

It would be neat to discover what happens to my writing when I'm somewhere else entirely. I wish I could afford to just go, on my own terms, instead of having to take a job somewhere. I wish I could just visit and see. But that isn't the life I live... at least not yet, so I have to go with what I've got. A lot of people don't get to just travel where and whenever they please, so I shouldn't feel so persecuted... but that doesn't mean I can't wish and long for a better day to come.

Maybe I'll hear back from one of these places I've sent my resume to, and then my decision will be easier. But am I certain I want to stay here? Am I that sure that this is where I want to be, even if I get a better job and I'm able to stay? Do I really want to just lead a "normal" life; find work, get married, have babies, grow old...? There is certainly nothing wrong with those things, and I have wanted them all deeply from time to time (and still do). But... if I could have more... and I'm not sure that I can... but if I could... would I?

There is nothing but silence to answer me.

The train is long gone by now, and I cannot follow. The world keeps turning slowly, this beautiful and sometimes horrifying world, with all its wild places that I have never seen. Some days I wonder if I'm not just measuring out my life in coffee spoons, as T.S. Eliot so eloquently put it...

"I hear the mermaids singing, each to each. I do not believe that they will sing for me..."

I wonder, if you find a way, if you go ahead and move to Fiji, do you find just a different manifestation of difficult, or do you finally find what you'd been looking for all along?

...And Straight On Til Morning

Is it just me, or do we all sometimes get that voice in a little corner of our heart saying: "didn't you want more than this?" I'm not talking about a bad voice, the one that says: "You're a loser, you'll never amount to anything, just look at you!" I mean the one that's gentle, that pokes at our comfort zones and whispers: "You sure this is all you want?"

I heard it this morning. Nothing caused it, as far as I can tell; maybe a dream sparked a longing I had forgotten. All I know is, I just woke up wishing I were somewhere else, doing something else. Something just bothers me, just a little bit, about where I am in life, and where I seem to be heading.

Don't get me wrong. I'm pretty happy these days, minus the intricate budgeting I've got going here. I'm not saying I don't realize I'm blessed, or that I don't appreciate what I've achieved thus far. I'm not saying, either, that I can't choose to be happy with whatever circumstances are handed to me. This is not a cop-out or just a "wishing for whatever you don't have" kind of thing. Give me the benefit of the doubt with this one, if you will.

It is difficult to put into words. Let me attempt. Out there, all around, are other places, other cultures, other relationships with people I've never met, never experienced, never knew to know about. But I want to know. I want to go somewhere else, gain new experience. Everyone says this is the time to do that. While I'm single and can technically move anywhere I want to go. No family responsibilities, no career, no real reason to be anywhere. I'm in an ideal position to just GO, as soon as I had the money to (which may, in fact, be what's stopping me in the end).

But I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to go, didn't want to do... something else. I tried, once before, in a way. My plan was to be an Au Pair in America for a year and then take a position overseas somewhere, learn about a new culture, and write about all my experiences. But it didn't really work out that way... I'll have to spend an entire post explaining why at some point. Boy, was that a job to remember! So... scratch that idea. I'm not ready to be an Instant Mom just yet. But how else do you get overseas with your living expenses paid? I've yet to find a way!

And I know it's not just me, seeking Neverland. Because I've talked to a lot of people who have put a lot of thought into life, and every one of them have had that little voice inside that says "why don't you go?" Somewhere. Who knows where? Why don't we go?

If I had a Genie in a Lamp right now, I'd ask for two things. First, that my stupid school loans would be paid off, and I could live debt-free. Second, I would ask to travel to many cultures, discover many things that have never been written about before, to give people a voice when they can't speak for themselves. I would ask that my simple expenses be paid while I discover, write, and live for a couple of years this way. My last wish I would save for when I got back from all my travels and go "okay, so what do I do now?" I'm sure I'll need it for something important at that point, like a real job! =] Or maybe a publisher for my book from all my world travels. Or a therapist.

I don't really know how to wrap all of this up. Maybe I just needed to throw my heart out to the world and hear it echoed or ignored or just to know that someone out there heard it cry. Sometimes I just need to write, and I never know the purpose of it, only that it must be done. Maybe God has a purpose in all of this that I don't know about yet.

Maybe, just maybe, the life I'm looking for does exist, and maybe I'll find a way to go. Second star to the right...