Early Morning Thoughts

I woke up early this morning because I've had a lot on my mind, and the pale light of sunrise was filtering through the window, and I had that urge to write that I always regret resisting. So here I am. If this weren't a weekend, I'd be arriving at work right now, sitting in my car for those last few minutes, taking that "I can do this" kind of deep breath before resigning myself to go inside and sit in front of that computer...

Thank goodness for Saturdays and three-day weekends. I was about to lose my mind.

I've been a pretty mixed up individual lately. I've been tired and sad and a little emotionally unstable, and I can't even entirely understand why. Not to say that good things have not been happening in my life. But my heart always jumps to my sleeve, so it ends up being the first to receive all the blows, it seems. I've always been fairly vulnerable emotionally. Its one of those things people love about me, and one of the reasons people trust me so quickly, I guess, and probably the main source of my struggle to survive every day. Ironic, really.

It is going to be really hard to stay alive and vibrant in an office environment. I can already tell. It is going to be hard to hold out for a really good guy, especially when I'm not even convinced that what I'm looking for exists. Its going to be hard to keep bringing this broken heart to Christ, when I know he's only going to dig deeper into my past and my motives and my sins and my heartaches...

I know he's going to make me more and more vulnerable. And I don't know how to trust him right now. I keep trying to push him away the way I have done the other guys in my life. I guess the difference is, they finally get scared and go, because they're human (and I can be a little psycho sometimes).... and he... I guess I'm not entirely sure what he'll do. But he hasn't given up on me yet. So I don't know what to do next.

I'm tired right now, but just going back to bed won't help, because its not that kind of tired. I guess you could say I'm soul-tired right now. And everyone can see it. I hate that. I can't have just one lousy day of being sad without everyone knowing about it, because it's written all over my face and in my mannerisms and comes out in every word I speak. So everyone knows, and then I just feel stupid. And then I end up hurting people because I'm trying to stuff down my emotions, and when I'm doing that I'm not as emotionally sensitive to others, to what they're feeling and thinking... and then I see that look on their face, and realize that I've hurt someone else I care about while trying to protect myself. It feels like an endless cycle right now. And I hate it.

All I really want is for people to not treat me like I'm broken. That's what I really want. Like, I wouldn't care that everyone knew I was hurting if people would just act normal around me. You know, take me out for a beer or a coffee or whatever, talk life, and let it go. I get so sick of those sympathetic eyes and dramatic reactions to my sarcasm, like I'm going off the deep end or something. Not really, guys. I'll probably survive. I've been through much worse than this, trust me...

If only people knew.

But they shouldn't know. What's happened to me is something God must feel I can handle... with him. I just don't know how to trust him yet.

I still haven't decided if I like my life or not. I'm still waiting to see if he really does want me or if I'm just another girl... I'm sick of being replaceable. I couldn't stand for him to break my heart in the end... not him... not after all the other guys have...

If he betrays you, what else is there?

Anyway, I've got a long day ahead of me. I'm getting furniture today, and I'm not sure where the crap it's all going to fit... I'll write more when I get settled in.

A Variety of Things

I must learn to remind myself that it's the little things in life that make it worthwhile. I just made myself a plate of "variety sandwiches" on my favorite bread (King's Hawaiian Rolls) and couldn't believe how effectively it lifted my melancholy mood. Variety sandwiches consist of several very small sandwiches, in this case turkey, with different condiments on them. I was out of tomatoes, so I made one with mayonnaise and salt, one with honey mustard and cheese, and one with a spicy teriyaki ginger sauce, and they were all wonderful. When I have vegetables, there is even more variety to choose from. Its something I've recently started doing, and I love it. I've discovered yet another family tradition for my so far non-existent family. Yay. But cheers to the simple pleasure of a good meal, after a definite Monday.

So life's been a little scattered and hard for me lately. I've gotten myself into one of those situations where you don't know quite how you got there, and you're not quite sure if you are or are not supposed to be there, and you definitely don't know how to get yourself out again. And, as in all matters of the heart, there's no way out without a little heartache. Potentially even big heartache. Again. And of course I'm not ready for that, but of course I've gotten myself in too deep and I've now got to choose between types of heartache instead of heartache or none.

Will my life always be this way? Is this the curse of the passionate personality type? Is this the cost of being alive and vulnerable? It may well be. If it is, I wouldn't trade it for anything. But how I wish my life could just run smoothly for once. How I wish this could be simple and just work out this time... just this once.

But I don't think it will. And not because God is cruel and heartless, but just because... I don't know. Life just goes that way. We're all stuck here together, with the same old mess. I guess some of us cope with it better than others, but really we're all just stuck, and that's that. I've tried to make the best of it. But even variety sandwiches and coffee and fleece blankets and all the good things in life can't cure the brokenness of the world. And I feel like I'm stuck right in the middle of it all.

And the right thing is never the easy thing... I don't think in any case. And it's even harder when you're not sure what's truly the "right thing" and what's just legalism. And I lived with that for so, so long... how do I know I'm not just living that again? How do I know I'm not just afraid to live my life? How do I know this wouldn't work out in the end if I just gave it a chance?

I don't know. I don't feel like I know anything of value tonight. I wish I could be a little wiser and wear a little less of my heart on my sleeve. Maybe that's what God's working on with me... maybe he's just using a real-life example to convince me of why it really is a bad idea. I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much.

I wish, for once, that a good thing would come into my life and actually stay. That's the hardest part to me. Everything is so temporary. And I always give my heart to things and to people who don't stay. And I always wanted my heart to be enough to make a man stay. Not just catch his attention, not just thrill him for a little while and make him wonder, but actually be enough to make him stop in his tracks and just... stay.

But I guess that dream has to be kept on the waiting list for now. God must have other things to do right now. Your call is important to us, please stay on the line...

*sigh*

I hope one day it all makes sense. I hope, in the end, that I'm glad that I'm me, and I'm glad I was given this crazy heart, and I'm glad that I made the choices I made... I hope I'm not old and alone and sitting somewhere wishing I had lived my life while I had the chance. Either way it's a risk. I'm just hoping God notices me in the midst of this big crazy world, and realizes that I haven't really been taken care of just yet... that there's this one little dream left unfulfilled in my life, that I want much more than any of the others... I just hope he sees that.

I'm sure he does, though. He's God. Of course he sees. So for now I guess I'll be grateful for the variety of things that have been given to me thus far. And I'll keep on coming up with the little things, that will hopefully make the future I've been waiting for more than just a little bit extraordinary. Let's just hope I'm not wrong.

A Bit of Writer's Block and Holiday Blues

I've attempted writing several times over the last few weeks, and I just couldn't make it work out. There's way too much going on in my head right now to make a lot of sense on paper. In fact, I've stopped writing - even journaling - for the most part, which is always an indicator that something's not right. So what's going on with me? I'm still trying to figure it out.

I feel like I'm losing myself again in the midst of life. I have a lot of church friends who are awesome, and then there's friends from new work and old work, and then there's friends from school. And... sometimes I feel like I have to be a different person to all of them. Like, there are people you can curse around and people you can't. There are people who know I have a drink every now and again, and people who find it offensive that alcohol exists. There are people you can answer honestly when they ask you what's going on in your life, and there are people you just have to say: "Oh I'm fine" to, and move on. And I have a really hard time with that. It's hard for me to not be real with everyone. But then that gets me into trouble.

Is it wise to be totally real with everyone? I'm finding that it may not be. But that makes me sad. And then... is it bad that I find it easier to be real with non-Christian friends? Because that's what's been happening lately.

And then I find I'm a bit confused about God. Does he accept me the way I am or not? Is he holding out on me? Could I have more if I weren't dedicated to following him? Would I be living my dreams right now if God wasn't a factor? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious. I really want to live life to the fullest, and honestly, I'm finding I don't have a whole lot in common with the people I'd think I have the most in common with. And the people I always thought would be a bad influence on me are the ones encouraging me and allowing me to be myself and just have fun. It's strange. And I'm just confused about it all.

On top of all of that, there's the family mess. It's worse this Christmas than just the usual drama. I may not even be able to be with everyone for Christmas, and as stressful as the situation can be sometimes, I find myself pretty heartbroken over the thought of not being with them. It'd be one thing if I had some amazing guy to spend Christmas with, and I was starting my own family traditions. But it won't be like that. And I'm pretty angry about it all, if I'm being real with myself.

I guess it's just been a stressful month. And I feel alone in it all, because I don't know who to talk to. Everyone's busy. Everyone's got their own problems. And I guess I just really want a companion in the midst of my turmoil. Its a universal desire, I know. I just happen to be feeling it more than usual lately.

'Tis the season.

A Day in the Life of Me

My thoughts are scattered everywhere this morning. I’ve worked a lot, and I was hoping to have a day to sleep in, but as you can see, have not had any luck.

7:20AM: My manager calls to ask if I can come in to work early. I’m not supposed to have to go to work until 2:00, so I’m pretty happy to be awakened at 7:20. I curse at the still-ringing phone and yell: “No, I will not go in early!!!” to the empty room. I lie back down grumpily; eventually I drift off again.

9:06AM: My sleepy brain ponders the fact that someone is knocking at the door. If I ignore them, they will go away, Sleepy Brain explains. Sounds good to me. Two seconds later, the phone rings again. My landlord (and friend), very cheerful, amused at Sleepy Brain. Oh, right. I forgot the Exterminator is coming at 9:00. That explains the knocking. “Will he care if I’m in my pajamas?” Much laughter on the other end of the line.

9:17ish: Another knock at the door. The Exterminator. I walk to the door, picturing an overweight man in his 40’s, who probably won’t be much for conversation, and probably has a gazillion daughters, and therefore won’t mind the PJs, or the mess. Open the door. Blonde dude, probably 22, looks at me awkwardly and comes inside. Surveys the boxes and piles of junk everywhere. “You just moved in?” he says. “Yes,” I say. Two months ago. Crap, why couldn’t I have just put on some jeans? We try to make small talk, while he squirts poison around my apartment with a miniature chrome vacuum. I ponder the fact that roaches survive nuclear radiation… so what kind of stuff does it take to actually kill them?

9:25: Exterminator leaves. He tells me not to have too much fun. I wonder if he thinks I had a wild party and that’s how my place got to be such a mess? Nope. Did this all by myself. I consider cleaning up a bit. Instead, I get online and look for jobs.

10:30: Make some coffee. Try not to breathe in roach poison. Try to ignore coughing. Decide to blog about morning excursions for other’s amusement. Haven’t called my manager back. Not planning on going in early. The four hours I have to stand in the fitting room will be enough for one day. Ponder my limited job options. Read other people’s blogs at random. Find a girl who’s writing about all her experiences overseas this summer. Apparently she found a way to afford to go overseas and write. Still embarrassed about the pajamas. Wish I were overseas writing about excursions. What am I supposed to do with my life?

10:41: Get up to get a cup of coffee. Discover I’m out of creamer. Not going to the store to buy some, because I’m leaving tomorrow for Charleston (woohoo!). Also, my milk is expired. No cereal for me. Come back to write some more, drinking Kenya roast black. Bleh. Not bad with creamer, though. I still like Guatemala roast, which got left in Greenville.

I should probably shower and start getting ready for work. Maybe I’ll go in an hour early, make a little more money. Save for overseas excursions someday. Too bad Peace Corps doesn’t do Europe.

I’ll try to write more tonight.

Single White Female in Search of... Life?

Hello blog readers!

Alas, I have been a slacker, and have not been posting. In fact, I have been a slacker in many areas of my life of late… my place is a mess, my car needs to be cleaned out, I haven’t really worked out or even started tanning for the summer… *sigh* I did, however, make it to the grocery store to spend more money than I can really afford on stuff I “need” for the next week or so. So that’s good. At least I have food in the fridge for the next little while. If all else fails, I’ll still be eating relatively well, and what else really matters? :)

Anyway, I’ve had much on my mind lately. I wish I could blame my lack of discipline on the fact that I’ve been working too much, but I really only worked about 22 hours this week, which allows for a lot of wonderful free time and no money to enjoy it with. I’m trying to live well anyway, going hiking or reading in the sunshine when I have an afternoon off. I'm looking forward to the pool opening soon! But this not having money is tiresome after many months. There are just so many decisions you have to make, with very little to work with, and it is truly draining.

This week I had to opt out of going to see Shrek 3 because I just can’t justify it with my current budget. I do, however, have enough to go see Pirates of the Caribbean (I’d probably live out of my car rather than skip that one in the theaters!), so I’m not too bad off just yet. I’m not really complaining about not getting to see such-and-such movie, and I hope you can read between the lines a little bit here. I do realize that I am extremely blessed despite the necessity of frugal living. What it all comes down to is that I either need to quit my current job and get a much better one, or I really need a second job. Which makes me a little nervous, if I’m being honest with myself.

All of this brings me straight to what’s been on my mind lately. What the heck do I do next?? When I was in college, I used to say that the next time someone who was married and/or financially okay told me “These are the best years of your life!” I was going to punch them in the face. Now, not only do I get angry, but I feel this creeping sense of despair as well. If this is as good as it gets, man, have I got a long way to go! I had hoped all of these years that the next stage of life might be a little better than this… so far it's just a different manifestation of difficult!

I thought for awhile (for the last week or so) that I might join the Peace Corps, and go some place exotic, and help people and myself by doing something outside my comfort zone. That would give me my chance of going somewhere else with my expenses paid, and I would just write in whatever free time I had. But I’ve put a lot of thought into it, done some research and talked to all kinds of people, and it doesn’t really seem like quite the right fit. I’d still be up for some crazy nanny/Au Pair job if somehow I could determine ahead of time that the family wasn’t, in fact, psychotic. But unless somebody knows somebody, it is just too much of a shot in the dark for me to seriously look into right now.

Apart from that, I’m playing around with some ideas I’d rather not bring up just yet, until I’ve thought through them a little more. Basically, I just feel kind of lost in a great big world, while time passes more quickly than I am comfortable with. I’m turning 25 in July. Am I not supposed to have more figured out by now? Do I have to use my English Major to get a job right now, or can I just use the knowledge I gained to explore writing in my own time, and for my own purpose? For some reason I'm unsure about getting a job that is closely related to what I ultimately want to do, but not quite the thing itself. I just feel like that's a recipe for disaster. What if I ended up hating the very thing I most enjoy?

Much too much to think about these days. I'll try to come up with something infinitely more creative to write about next time.

Til then...

Stupid internet connection

Well guys, I'm extremely frustrated. I just tried to post a fairly long blog, in fact I had been writing for about 45 minutes, but when I hit "publish" I didn't realize I had lost my internet connection, so, of course, up comes: "the page you have requested cannot be reached" crap-for-crap, whatever the heck that is! So I quickly hit the "back" button, but to no avail. It has been lost forever. So instead of trying to recreate what I just wrote, I think I'm gonna call it a night (as far as blogging is concerned) and hope for better luck tomorrow.

It has felt like a really long day! :(