A Bit of Writer's Block and Holiday Blues

I've attempted writing several times over the last few weeks, and I just couldn't make it work out. There's way too much going on in my head right now to make a lot of sense on paper. In fact, I've stopped writing - even journaling - for the most part, which is always an indicator that something's not right. So what's going on with me? I'm still trying to figure it out.

I feel like I'm losing myself again in the midst of life. I have a lot of church friends who are awesome, and then there's friends from new work and old work, and then there's friends from school. And... sometimes I feel like I have to be a different person to all of them. Like, there are people you can curse around and people you can't. There are people who know I have a drink every now and again, and people who find it offensive that alcohol exists. There are people you can answer honestly when they ask you what's going on in your life, and there are people you just have to say: "Oh I'm fine" to, and move on. And I have a really hard time with that. It's hard for me to not be real with everyone. But then that gets me into trouble.

Is it wise to be totally real with everyone? I'm finding that it may not be. But that makes me sad. And then... is it bad that I find it easier to be real with non-Christian friends? Because that's what's been happening lately.

And then I find I'm a bit confused about God. Does he accept me the way I am or not? Is he holding out on me? Could I have more if I weren't dedicated to following him? Would I be living my dreams right now if God wasn't a factor? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious. I really want to live life to the fullest, and honestly, I'm finding I don't have a whole lot in common with the people I'd think I have the most in common with. And the people I always thought would be a bad influence on me are the ones encouraging me and allowing me to be myself and just have fun. It's strange. And I'm just confused about it all.

On top of all of that, there's the family mess. It's worse this Christmas than just the usual drama. I may not even be able to be with everyone for Christmas, and as stressful as the situation can be sometimes, I find myself pretty heartbroken over the thought of not being with them. It'd be one thing if I had some amazing guy to spend Christmas with, and I was starting my own family traditions. But it won't be like that. And I'm pretty angry about it all, if I'm being real with myself.

I guess it's just been a stressful month. And I feel alone in it all, because I don't know who to talk to. Everyone's busy. Everyone's got their own problems. And I guess I just really want a companion in the midst of my turmoil. Its a universal desire, I know. I just happen to be feeling it more than usual lately.

'Tis the season.

A Hard Goodbye

Waiting for someone to die is not intuitive, and no one can teach us how. It is not natural, though death may be familiar to us by now, but something in us screams that this was not how things were supposed to be.

We don't know how to react. I find myself wanting to do something, but I can't figure out what I should do; I don't know anything that would help, so that gets translated into anxiety. So here I am, anxious, awaiting a phonecall I don't want, by any means. We are odd creatures, you and I.

Aunt Susan is one of those people you can't help but love. She is one of those people who glows, who shines with beauty, joy, and compassion. She is one of those people who knows, without you even having to speak the words. She's the kind of person who finds out you're having financial difficulty and slips a couple of twenties into your pocket when she hugs you goodbye. She's the kind of person who immediately offers her home to you when you don't have a place to live...

Susan is the kind of person you want to know forever. She's the kind of person you'd want to keep on earth for as long as possible, because this place won't be as good without her. And I told God that. But I guess I don't know everything.

Someone told me last night that God is not a genie, and that not everything we pray will be answered and I just stood there, because what I was wanting to say would not have been kind. I don't want God to be a genie. I don't want him to give me whatever I want. I've never been like that. I just wanted him to notice. I just wanted him to help. I just wanted him to do something when I couldn't... I wanted him to do the the thing I was incapable of doing. I wanted him to be strong, and capable, and loving. I guess I've always only wanted him to be a dad for me... unstoppable, invincible... able to conquer even cancer. Even death. And I'm not saying he's not. I'm just saying I can't see it right now. And I tried to. I wanted to. I tried to have faith...

My words are not enough. I considered not even writing. But this is who I am. I have to try. And I want to wait around by the phone all day, but I can't. I shouldn't. I should go to Barnes & Noble and buy that book I've been wanting, and I should meet up with my friends and see a movie like we'd planned, and I should go out to eat tonight and just live. It's so cliche to say: "She would want that." but I know her and I know she would. I know she would want me to go on living, go on hanging out, and get the most out of today. I know she would want my life to be full.

But I will miss you, Susan. I will miss the life that was contagious in you, the smiles, and the laughter. I will miss you in the years to come, and we will all remember you. We will all want you to be there. And no one will quite understand it, because we are incapable. But we will miss you when you go.

New Job

So I started the new job today, or at least the training for it, and... I'm not sure what I think. I'm still processing. No pun intended there, as my official title is "Claims Processor." Hmm.

Anyway, it looks like it could be horribly boring, but the paychecks and benefits will be very nice. So that may make up for it. And I can bring music in, which is a good thing, so I'll need an iPod.

It's just that that's a lot of time to spend indoors, sitting in front of a computer. No worries, though, I'm not backing out of it or anything. I'm just... trying to be real with myself about the ups and downs of it all. On the upside, I've been wanting to try a job like this for a long, long time, and it got me out of retail for the holidays, which is not to be overlooked.

The downside is that I'm very creative, and it just might kill me to have to sit inside all day, in a boring office environment, doing something repetitive and perhaps not very world-changing.

We'll see how it all goes, though. At least I am blessed with a good job for now!

The Blessings of a Season

I have three words for you: Vanilla Spiced Rum. It's my new favorite coffee creamer by International Delight. It has a polar bear on the bottle. You should get off your computer, go get in your car, drive to Wal-mart, and get some right now. It's that good. And then you should come back and finish reading my blog.

Today I am thoroughly happy. I finally got to sleep in and just enjoy a morning alone. And I tried the new creamer, which made me realize that I am happy and blessed, and moving towards a life of contentment. All that, combined with the promise of a new job... well, lets just say I'm excited about living today! Which always makes me want to write. Thank God for mornings off to blog!

I was thinking today about prayer, and how I didn't really believe in it for so long, and then suddenly started believing again, and how that's changed everything for me. Pretty much everything I've prayed for in the past couple of years has been answered... and much of it within the last three months of my life.

When I graduated from college, the big thing was that I didn't have a car and a cell phone, and I prayed about it, and eventually got that nanny job, and ended up leaving with an awesome car and my very own cell phone plan. I also got this laptop for my birthday, thanks to my amazing brother. Those three things were on the top of my list of things I "needed" to be a complete person. When I left Atlanta and moved back to Tennessee, to a small town outside of Chattanooga, I hit a dry spell. Things got tougher financially, relationally, etc., and it was just more than I could handle. I stopped believing in anything, and did my best to kill my desires, because I just didn't believe I'd ever get to have them.

That's all changed now. God (I really do believe it is Him!) is reviving all of the dead places in me. I'm actually beginning to believe that my wildest dreams may come true, and I'm no longer trying to crush them for fear of hope deferred. Is this what contentment is? Perhaps I have finally made it.

But here's the thing... in my most desperate hours, I have prayed for friends, for a community, for a mentor, for a place that felt like home, for a better paying job, for healing from my past. And honestly... every single one of those prayers either has been answered or is in the process of being answered, even as I write this. What am I supposed to do with that? I think I am a little afraid of the responsibility of having my prayers answered. Maybe something is required of me now that I am on the receiving end of blessing. I wonder what it is, though?

There are still a few dreams that haven't been touched yet; deeper dreams, that no one, or only a very select group of people know about. I'm learning to trust, but I'm not to the point of trusting anyone - including God - with those just yet. I don't think it's time for those yet anyway. But my pastor recently challenged us to go ahead and dream the big dreams, and to start praying about them and see what happens.

I have been, though I must admit that I'm skeptical. Am I ready for them? I don't know. If I desire something so deeply, it must be part of who I am, or who I'm supposed to be, in such a way that I could easily adapt if it were actually an option. Do you think God loves me that much, though? I've got some pretty big dreams. If I am loved that deeply, I never even suspected it until now.

All that to say, I think I'm being prepared for something big. I think that all of this isn't just coincidence, and that I'm being blessed right now to strengthen my faith for whatever lies ahead. Is that too Christianized? Am I being preachy? It is not my intention to be. I just know who I used to be, and there are only traces of that now. I just know that I've been changing, that my whole life has been changing and becoming better, and it all started with prayer and a step of faith into a baptismal pool.

I just know that I am excited about my life now, that I am recognizing the blessings of this season, and that I'm looking forward to what lies ahead...

The Winds of Change

It finally happened.

The knowledge is in my head but hasn't quite sunk down into those mysterious places where I believe in things, so I feel strangely suspended... somewhere between the inevitable and the now.

When I first moved to Chattanooga, in August, there were many lonely, sleepless nights where I knew I couldn't go on much longer with the way things were, where I was bent to the breaking point, and stretched beyond my limit financially, emotionally, and mentally. I was at a loss for what to do, and in my anguish threw a prayer out from my soul, begging whatever God there was to end my life or change it so completely that I couldn't even recognize it.

Little by little, over the past few months, things have been changing, and I, in my stubbornness, admit that I still remain skeptical about “God's” hand in it all. Maybe it was coincidence. Maybe it would have happened even if I hadn't prayed at all. Maybe, maybe, maybe...

Maybe I'm just afraid to believe, to really believe, in a God who knows me intimately and has heard everything I've said for all those years...

What a scary thought that is. He knows you. He knows me. He heard me, every time.

So I had an interview last Friday with a health insurance company, and I was offered the job by Sunday afternoon. I start shortly after Thanksgiving. The pay is great, compared to what I have been making, and there's a lot of opportunity to move up in the company if my productivity is good. It's a desk job, related to medical billing. It sounds interesting to me, and the thought of a real paycheck... well, let's just say this is long overdue. But to me it feels like one of the last pieces of a puzzle I thought could never be completed.

I'm going to use my first paycheck to get the CV joints and possibly the break pads replaced in my car, pay off half my credit card, and buy a funky pair of glasses. How I've lived this long on $700 a month I don't know, but it's finally, finally over and I couldn't be happier.

Consequently, the tree outside my window has turned a radiant color of red, seemingly overnight, and I am reminded that it is good to be alive. The leaves took their time in changing this year, probably because it has been so dry, but now they seem to have realized that it really is Fall, and they're well on their way to turning the mountainside into that patchwork of yellow, orange, red, brown, and a myriad of colors that have no name.

Is it silly of me to think that they waited on me all that time, and brought out their colors to celebrate with me the joy of living? More likely that I was so wrapped up in my problems, however legitimate, that I forgot to look outside the window every now and again to see all that lies beyond my little world. Whatever the case, I'm beginning to believe again, and maybe that's the reason for Autumn anyway.

I'm looking forward more than ever now to cubicle humor!

Curse the TV writer's strike... not that I really blame them, though.

Halloween Greetings

Well, it's Halloween, and I'm not sure I even have plans for tonight. Jess wants to get dressed up (in normal clothes) and go out for drinks, which is cool, but I was kind of hoping to find a way to celebrate the holiday. What I really want is to take someone's kids out Trick-or-Treating, and see all the other little kids' costumes and all. Man, I miss that.

Why does getting old have to be so dull? Who wants men and alcohol when you could have the joy of discovering that someone dropped an entire Snickers Bar into your plastic Jack-O-Lantern? Those were the days, man. And God bless the whole candy bar type of people! I hope I'm like that when I have a house and a little extra cash. Then there's the great trade-off with your siblings when you get home: “I'll trade you three packs of SweetTarts for your mini-pack of Rolos...” “No way, man... flavored chalk for caramel and chocolate? Rolos are worth at least five SweetTarts!”

This is by far my favorite season. Something happens to me in Autumn that doesn't happen in any other season. I believe in things when leaves are falling that I'm too afraid to believe in otherwise. It's as if nature says: “well, I'm dying anyway... here are all my secrets!” You hear them whispered everywhere, and if you're willing to listen, you get to experience beauty like no other.

Not to freak anyone out or anything, but I'd like to die in Autumn someday. I think it would be so poetic! A slow letting go as the world fades... and I could write about what it feels like to let go, so maybe other people wouldn't be so afraid of it. I've never really been afraid of death, but then again I've never been immediately faced with it either. Except for maybe when I almost drowned white-water rafting. But I may not have been as close to death as I thought. I have a feeling that death is really cool. I love the mystery of it. No one ever comes back to tell us what it's like. Why, though? Everyone wants to know, but none of us get to until we cross over ourselves. I think Tolkien had it right when he described it as a new adventure... white shores, and a Beyond.

Interestingly enough, I didn't believe in Heaven for a long time. I didn't talk about it much, so not many people know this about me. But I honestly didn't believe it. I'm not sure why... maybe it was just one of those “too good to be true” kinds of things, or maybe I just didn't have enough theological background, or maybe like most other things in my life, I was just too afraid to believe. But I remember it used to piss me off that my life was so boring, because I thought this was my only chance.

Honestly, I'm not sure exactly what I believe now, but I do believe there's more to it than we can see. There is definitely something after life, and I'd bet its better than all this stuff. Maybe even better than dressing up and Halloween candy. Can you imagine?

I've gotta get to work now. Happy Halloween, everyone!

The Cost of Toilet Paper and Other Bummers of Singleness

Let me just say that I am looking forward to the day when I can go to the grocery store and buy pretty much whatever I want without having to consider what I may be sacrificing... such as gas, eating out, hanging out, or getting bills paid. Perhaps that sounds shallow, but I recently made a $70 grocery shopping experience last three full weeks and I nearly starved to death. Ironically, because of the stress of it all (and quite possibly my aversion to working out), I didn't lose any weight... and maybe even gained a few pounds. Amazing, really. Another useless talent I find that I possess: gaining weight by eating smaller portions.

So I'm coming close to running out of toilet paper, but I haven't bought any yet because I have to be sure I can make rent. I'm not even exaggerating. The price of toilet paper is atrocious. I considered taking a roll or two from the bathroom in Wal-mart when I was out today, and then realized that it was, in fact, stealing if you take the whole roll instead of just using the necessary amount. Too bad, really. That's one of those gray areas, though. How much toilet paper can you use in one sitting before it becomes stealing? Does it become stealing only if you decide to keep some of it for emergencies? If you're poor enough, you start to ponder these kinds of things.

I'm thinking of asking for a 24-pack for Christmas... and not that lousy Angel Soft, either, but the good kind. Real toilet paper. That's what I'm looking forward to most in life these days. Pretty sad, right? I've kind of given up hoping some awesome guy will take me out on a date. What I really look forward to is buying name-brand groceries. This is what working retail for too long will do to you.

I hung out with this awesome guy recently who was worried that his current salary wouldn't be enough to support a wife and kids, and I was laughing to myself, because he makes more than five times what I make. I was thinking also that I may make a great wife someday because of my excellent budgeting skills. I know how to not spend money if I have to. I hate it, but at least I know how. I'm just hoping that when I get out of this stage of life I'll never have to do this again, at least to this extent, but it's probably wishful thinking. At least I already know I won't need a rich guy, which widens my horizons a bit, because anyone who makes more than I do looks rich to me. And if you own a car that still runs for the most part, that's pretty dang sexy too.

Singleness is such an odd state of existence. There are things I enjoy about it, but I'll be honest, I'm not sure things were supposed to work this way. I think maybe I don't fit in the business world because I'm not designed to sit in an office all day. I think I'm great with kids but get frustrated with other people's kids because I was supposed to have my own. I think the reason I need a flexible schedule and a self-paced work environment is because I'm supposed to be a writer...

I'm not saying these things won't happen in my life someday, but they haven't happened yet. I often wonder if it's not because I was created for something totally different from the life I find myself living. I feel like a square peg being forced into a circle (a note of thanks to Meleah for this analogy). You might be able to make it fit, but there will be gaps left... and they reside mainly in my heart these days. The weird thing is, I'm happier and healthier than I have ever been, and growing more so by the day. It's just when I have down time, like this, or when I feel melancholy enough to be sensitive to it, I notice that little tug on my heart that tells me something's not right yet. Will it ever be right, though? I haven't figured that out yet. I think I'm still waiting to see.

I do know it gets better than this, though. I won't always stand in the toilet paper aisle for ten minutes comparing prices... so help me, Jesus! I had an interview this morning, that I guess went well. I don't think I said anything stupid, but I have this feeling like I'm not going to get the job, too. I'm trying not to stress about it. Maybe there's something else just around the corner if this doesn't work out. It would just be nice to have some financial stability in this season of my life. I find I am more emotionally vulnerable as I become more honest with myself and real with those around me. These are good things, don't get me wrong, but I would enjoy it all so much more if I could walk through it without so much fear. Most of my fear comes from my lack of finances, hence I am less emotionally stable than I'd like to be because of my work situation.

But God hears me. He's heard me ask about where I fit in the working world for a long time, and there's no reason I should believe He'll do nothing about my current needs. Even for toilet paper. That's the beauty of this God, over the one I thought was real for so long. I'm so glad I was wrong! There's just no telling what will happen next...