I Prayed For a Husband, and God Bought Me Fries

Is there a less lame way to start a blog than saying some mindless crap like: "Today was a really bad day"...? Maybe if I hadn't had such an exhausting week I could think of something more creative... oh well.

Everyone is getting married. And yay for them. I mean that. I do. It's just...

This isn't coming out right.

In other news, I've started applying for nanny jobs again. I'll be honest, I don't really know what I'm doing. I just... don't want to feel stuck anymore.

I saw Halloween shirts at Target today when I got out of the house. It was the first time it really sunk in to me that it's already August. I hope this year I don't miss the whole season! I am trying to enjoy the sunshine while it is here, but I hope when this season ends, it takes with it some of the mess I've been dealing with...

It occurred to me that, as dearly as I love my friends, I might need more... I am so sick of the lonely evenings where no one wants to hang out.

Apparently this post is going to be a lot of random thoughts.

I miss something I can't put my finger on these days... and if I can't figure out what it is, how in God's name am I supposed to find it??

Today I saw someone I did not want to see. In fact, if I never saw him again, I would be infinitely happy. And it amazes me how deeply God loves us... loves us all. As angry as I am with him, I want with all of my heart for him to know God's unshakable love. I think that means I am healing.

I have been oh, so lonely all day. I spent my lunch break crying, begging God for clarity, asking Him if my singleness is almost done... if there's even a tiny chance that the guy who's been on my mind might have noticed me... I am so tired of being invisible.

These days, whenever I ask for something, He always answers: "Trust me." It never fails to make me angry. And yet, at the end of the day, trust in Him is all that really matters.

I have been praying for my husband daily. I don't even care if that's stupid. I may not know who he is, but if he's out there, he probably needs prayer just as much as I do. I figure it is a good habit to be into, for when he does come along.

This is a long and lonely road. I had no idea what I was committing to when I committed to waiting! But they say it is worth it...

I think my life would be worse without coffee. I love the stuff.

I accidentally tie-dyed my shirt a few days ago. Total accident. And it looks awesome. Sometimes life is strange.

So after I saw the unmentionable heartbreaker, I broke my diet and went to Burger King. It was either that, or more tears. And I had just recovered from the headache I had aquired over lunch break. I do not regret one calorie.

I didn't order fries. I wanted them, but didn't order them. When I was pulling out of the drive-thru, I thought I smelled them. "Nooo," I convinced myself, "you're just wishing you smelled fries." But when I got home and opened the bag, there they were. I prayed all day for a husband, and God bought me fries. :) I guess He thought it would be okay for me to have one of the things I wanted today.

Maybe I'm crazy, but I really think He is paying attention. I hope He answers me soon... at this point, I don't really care what the answer is. I just want one.

This One's For the Girls

Where is the "off" button for hormones?? That's what I want to know. A little red "x" in the corner, "End Session," "Sorry, we're closed, please come back another time."

Something... Anything.

The call to Christian singleness is not for the weak-hearted.

A few months ago I was sitting on a guy friend's couch, just watching television, and we had been having normal, if sporadic, conversation. He leans over and puts his arm around me, and in a casual tone that is usually reserved for: "do you want some popcorn?" or "can I get you something to drink?" says to me, "So... nothing below the waist, but everything else is okay, right?"

And this is what the world has come to.

Forgive my shock, I realize I am twenty-seven years old now. But the truth is, I grew up in the era of Joshua Harris' "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" ridiculousness. I am so programmed to be used to being ignored by godly men, that it sometimes surprises me when one decides to start up a conversation. And then I have to fight the 17-year-old girl in me that thinks he might be my husband because he's the only guy who's decided to pay attention to me in a very long while. And this is every guy's worst nightmare.

I still say Josh Harris ruined my life. :) Perhaps that isn't fair. It is just that I was homeschooled, so my chances of getting a date in the first place were extremely slim, and he was most certainly no help at all in that area. It seems to me that it just gave guys another excuse to do nothing, instead of take a risk...

Don't get me wrong, though. I'm all about men respecting women, and setting up boundaries, and the like. But it was as if I never got to choose... and I am not entirely certain that I appreciate that, if I am being terribly honest. And I've been in the bad habit of being terribly honest in the last few weeks. I don't really have the life I want, so I don't really have much to lose, either.

I think it didn't help that Mom got me the book for my 15th birthday. Happy Birthday, hon... welcome to the wonderful world of eternal singleness. You laugh, and truly, that is my goal. And yet... now I am twenty-seven, and alone. Coincidence? Hmmm.

I jest, of course. Mostly.

I just spent a fabulous Friday night sitting on a long-time friend's carpet eating Chinese takeout and laughing about life and men and crushes and singleness. On my drive home, I was thinking and praying about all the beautiful, incredible Christian women I know who are still struggling with their singleness, and don't know why. If this were a poker game, I would fold.

Honestly, I can't even get a guy to pay for my coffee. It is a wonder to me that Christians ever procreate at all.

This one's for all the beautiful, dedicated Christian women out there who don't have the answers. I understand, ladies. I hurt too. If I ever answer the questions myself, I promise you I will write them for the world to know.

Forgive me for my cynicism, if that is all this is. I have been lonely a long time now. I am still trying to sort it all out.

A Piece of God's Heart

I am at the close of one of the best vacations I have ever had. I feel exhausted and refreshed at the same time. More hopeful about life but dreading the return to day by day in front of the computer, doing nothing of much value.

But God has bigger plans... I can hear it in the howling wind and taste it in the salt of the sea. Out here, anything is possible. Dreams are washed out to sea and brought back again, redeemed. I always find a wild piece of God's heart out here... the part that I love so deeply. My soul responds immediately to my lack of control. I lose all track of time, all sense of responsibility. I find that I can just be, and that it is enough.

I stand and face the ocean; a vast expanse of churning, crashing mystery... and yearn to know its depths. I find God in the waves, ever-constant and powerful beyond my knowledge; they might lift me up or shove me beneath the surface, and I have little or no say in the matter, but something in me cannot help but swim forward to find out...

And thus, I am renewed. I am anchored, and set back in my place. My perspective is changed, and I hope it lasts awhile this time. I need a peace that will stay around and let me rest. I need something to look forward to, something to move towards. I need to make my life into something I don't dread waking up to. I think these last few days have shown me just how much I need that. So I must work to find the way...

How quickly time passes when we least want it to. And yet, perhaps another adventure awaits me that I know nothing of just yet. And I will never find it unless I dare to dream, and risk, and face the unknown future set before me. God, make it a good one. I am ready for more of what is good...

A Sea-Change

I slept deeply and woke up well, still feeling groggy but with joy inside. A good strong cup of coffee will cure the rest. I have a full day ahead, of sand and waves and laying in the sunshine. I may even attempt surfing this afternoon, if I feel so inclined...! Sometimes life is unexpectedly good. And though these times seem all too rare, I made it here, and I may yet make it a little further down the road now. I did not know how desperately I needed to recharge....

So much on my mind, still. Maybe I can get some stuff sorted out this weekend. There is one thing that bothers me more than all else, and I am trying to just let it go. Almost impossible, it seems... but I will go crazy if I don't. I want to live a life of freedom, and it hasn't allowed me to be free, so it has to go. God help me, because I cannot do it on my own.

But standing before the great ocean with the wind making a mess of my hair seems the perfect place to let it all go and start over. It will be worth it in the end. However things work out, it will be worth it to let it go now. I've just got to trust that God will work it all out in the end. I don't even want it to depend on me anymore... I have never been a fan of having too much control over my circumstances. And the more I learn to trust in God as a loving father, the more I am able to set it in his hands and let him do what he's going to do anyway, just without my interfering :)

Today it is easy. I have the ocean to tackle and the sun to soak up and good food to eat that someone else is even cooking! All I have to do is enjoy my last day of 26 and let the year go. But I must learn to trust this much every day, to let the past go and move into the unknown future in faith.

And I am ready. I am ready for a change, a deeper faith, a closer relationship. I am ready to stop trying to do it myself. I am ready to let go the most important things in my world and say: "but Your will be done..." It is easy now, and we all know how hard it becomes. But I have this day, and this is where I am now. So I'm going to go live it with all I've got, and see what happens next.

Something Old, Something New

How to say what I want to say...? I'm still waking up =]

Life is going well for me, for the first time in a long time. I don't know why. I do not wish to try to explain it; my desire is just to live it well and use this chance to take a deep breath before it all changes again, as it inevitably will. That is the way Life goes for us. I no longer try to be in control, as I have found this to be useless. I only wish to let go, and enjoy the ride...

... I almost added "with arms wide open," but then realized this would then become a Creed song, and not a blog post. Ha. I was thinking about my recent trip to Six Flags, however... but I digress...

So I am rediscovering myself, and learning more about who I am every single day. I feel very stable, something I am not accustomed to. I feel alive, and joyful, like I am shedding all of the old me and letting all the newly redeemed layers show. I don't wish to resort to the overused budding flower analogy... surely there is something more creative I could compare it to? Alas...

I have gone back to some of my old loves, like soaking up the sunshine, and diving into a good novel. At the same time, though, I am trying new things at just about every opportunity I get. I feel like I stepped through some invisible door into a different life, like Alice in Wonderland. Or rather, the same life, only from another angle. It is my old life still, yet everything feels brand new and full of wonder. When I awake, I feel deeply that it is not what it used to be. And I love it.

Prayer comes easily these days, and I feel my faith growing each time I devote time to it. When I pray for people, I feel God's love for them, and I know the answers are coming soon. I felt this way long, long ago. But I had forgotten...

How I ever got away from this, or why, I may never know. All I know is, I am happy now, and wish to stay this way... always growing and learning and watching Him as the author and finisher of my faith. Is it possible to remain in this state, or do we have to lose our footing in the hard times and then come back into this new life again eventually? Does Life just ebb and flow like that, or is there a way to contain stability, and store it up? When I find out, I will let the world know ;]

I think I am understanding Fatherhood, and accepting him as a father for the first time. To be honest, I never believed I would. I just always assumed I would never get to understand God in that way, because my earthly parenting was such a mess. But here I am, finally seeing him in a different way, the way I've heard so many people talk about him. I have no idea where this road leads, but I will walk it in faith and see what happens...

Amazing to me, that just when I thought life was sterile and boring, I discover what a great adventure it can be! Perhaps there was a purpose for me after all. I used to wonder every day why God wanted a Jo in the world, and what on earth he would have wanted me for. I still do not know the answers... I am only convinced that I am part of a great story, and anxious to fulfill my role in it.

This whole change in my life happened because I decided to try some new things, and open my heart up to living again... I would encourage you, next time opportunity presents itself, just to give it a try, and see where life takes you...

The Redemption of Stupidity

I realized on Friday that I'm a month away from my birthday, and that we're halfway to Christmas already. Can time really be slipping by so quickly? I wish it would chill out for awhile and let me catch up.

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to take this moment to announce that I am happy. That is not something I have often put into words in here, so I feel it is an event worth recording! I am not saying that everything is perfect, or that I've found out the meaning of life. But truly... between my circumstances, my choices, and my willingness to be still and know God, I have seen my life slowly transforming into something good.

I love it. Some of my relationships are deepening in ways I never expected, and without me having to exhaust myself with the effort of keeping them alive (crazy how that works with healthy relationships, eh?). And a lot of the ones that were unhealthy are finally slipping away into beautiful oblivion. All I had to do was choose to open my hands and let them go. I have not had one regret since making that decision... God has been infinitely good to me, despite some of the worst decisions I have ever made coming back to hurt and haunt me in recent months.

So I am left wondering, what now? I have made better choices, and found a lot of the change I had been hoping and praying for... so now I am just waiting. Not inactively, mind you, I am still exploring and growing and open to changing for the better. I am looking into taking some business writing classes, and learning sign language, and I'm still taking dance, and trying to write poetry, and volunteering at the hospital.

I am not, in any way, who I thought I would be... and perhaps that is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I thought I knew what I wanted... but now I see that there is something better than even that. So I am content to wait and hope for it to happen in its own time.

I am confident, once again, that I am loved. There is more security in that knowledge than one might imagine. Something in me has settled recently, and seems content to stay that way. So I find myself happy, and hopeful for the future, and resting in the joy of watching the redemption of my stupidity. Perhaps someday soon I will have the courage to write openly about some of my more recent mistakes and the redemption of them. Part of me is still waiting on the end of the story, however. It is not quite ready to be revealed yet, I think.

Happy Saturday to all. I am going to go refill my coffee mug, and enjoy this day to the last drop! =]

Life is... Better.

Life just doesn't make sense sometimes. Right now it is one of those seasons for me. The only difference this time is that I think I may be okay with it. I think I am at a place where, despite the chaos and confusion, and "things not going as I planned" and all of that... despite it all, I am finding that I am still okay, and still moving in a direction that I believe to be healthy.

I have done a lot of running around lately, chasing one dream or another, and I suppose I have learned a lot doing it. But I think what I have learned most distinctly is that I'm pretty okay with where my life is now. I wasn't expecting that at all. But it is very refreshing.

I find myself longing for the slower pace, the deeper conversations with my girl friends, the occasional undefined is-it-a-date-or-not outing with a guy. Really, its too exhausting to try to want more than this right now. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but I am trying to let life just be what it is, and be happy there...

I have been recently pondering whether we are who we are because we are made that way, or we are who we are because we choose to be...? I feel like I have been "more myself" in these last couple of months, where I am choosing to be and do things I've never done before, than I have ever been before. But was I already programmed to be this person...? Who knows for sure.

The point is that I feel like I am starting to live my life, stepping outside of my comfort zone, which I have found does not really hold a lot of comfort after all, only regret. And I am having a blast! Honestly, I wish I hadn't wasted so much time before I got here...

But no point looking back now... I've got the rest of my life ahead of me, and it looks like it might be beautiful...