Vision

I am scrambling to catch up to the new year. It seems to have snuck up on me suddenly this time. I suppose I don't need to do anything in particular, but I would have liked to have thought through the accomplishments and failures of the year past, and try to move towards seeing this new year as a new beginning. As it is, though, I awoke to just another day that I'm not sure what to do with. I feel behind already...

Life is moving along, however, and I am trying to see it clearly. Most of the time I don't get the point of it. Not that I would like it to end or anything, it's just the age-old questions... I'm not sure what I am supposed to be doing. I am praying for direction, and praying for a vision for the future, a story worth telling to move myself towards. I am trying to be a character worth remembering. I don't know if I am yet.

I am doing alright, though. Continuing to see God as a Father, and myself as a valued member of His kingdom. I picture myself in a room in his fortress sometimes, resting and being restored for whatever lies ahead. I am craving a mission, a purpose, an adventure. But I have to trust that He is making me ready for what is next, and that this time is not a waste. I believe I will know when it is time for me to move, and I am praying for that direction to come clearly.

All I really know to do is the work I am given, to try to be a loving friend, to continue pursuing health and growth, and to stay close to Him. There are things that I desire more deeply than I thought possible, that don't seem to be my story, and I am grieving those dying dreams for this season. I do not understand. And yet, I want nothing that is outside of His plan and His story for me. So I must let them go, and ask for a new vision to dream into.

I think if I have learned anything in the last year, it is that I can't do much on my own. I can't figure it out, and I can't always get it right, and I can't keep people in my life if they don't want to be there, no matter what I may want.

It is encouraging to me, though, to see life as kind of a long walk down the aisle. We have been promised a wedding, and a wedding feast. So I am trying to look forward and just keep stepping towards that promise. At least I know I get my wedding in the end, even if only in the end. I am fighting hard to not see Him as only the consolation prize, for I know that that is not truth.

And so, a new year begins. And though I begin it with an aching heart, I know that I cannot predict what may happen next. The story isn't over yet. My hope and prayer is that it is only now beginning...

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart. Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.