The Miracle

It was a week ago tonight that I lost my little cat friend. Strange that I am missing her now more than even that weekend, but it is possible that I am just now beginning to feel the emotions of it. I am trying to be brave, and let her go.

I have left her stuff out this week, her little food dish and the empty litter box, still sitting where it has always sat. But I have to pack it up tonight. I just haven't been able to bear the finality of it. I think that this is a normal emotion. Just one I wish I didn't have to feel.

And still... I cannot deny that I am blessed. She was hit by a car, and rushed to the Vet, and like anyone would I prayed for a miracle. And it happened, just not as I had hoped it would. The miracle came not in saving the cat, but in dear friends and family, and even people who barely know me, taking the time to let me know that I am loved.

People took me out for coffee, and bought me lunch, and posted sweet things on facebook, and called me, and hugged me. Some even offered whatever savings they had in contribution for the surgery she would have needed. It was nothing short of miracle, to me.

Anytime you turn on the news you hear about all the crime, and sadness, and disaster, and we are faced daily with the reality of sinfulness in the world. But let us not forget, dear friends, that we are loved; that we are capable of just as much love and life and hope and kindness as we are of failure and futility. Let us not forget that simple acts of love can change the lives of those around us.

I thank you, all of you, for being part of my life and choosing to love me through my loss. I miss Shaunessey, but through the pain I am so gratefully blessed to know that I am a loved individual in this crazy world.

Let us choose not to miss the miracles that are offered us and not take for granted those we love in this world. And also, give your little furry friend a hug for me today.

Unlocking the Door

This year I perfected my hot chocolate recipe... I mean, perfected. I am drinking a cup right now! Mmmmm... so spicy... :)

The evenings have grown cold and I feel like my feet are always freezing. I have had to dive into my vast collection of crazy socks on a regular basis. I wear hoodies inside and keep a blanket in my lap while I'm working. But its really not that bad this year... or I have embraced instead of resisting it this year, perhaps.

Honestly, I love that winter forces us to remember to be cozy. I would totally forget about fuzzy socks and hot chocolate and how great body heat from a hug feels if it weren't for the colder weather. Funny how even unpleasant things sometimes lead to joy.

I have just discovered, for the very first time, how great the Chronicles of Narnia series is. I read The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe years and years ago, but somehow I never made it to any of the other books. It seems to be unlocking some forgotten door in my creativity, however. I even wrote a few paragraphs of my own story this morning. I just woke up and had to write it down. It is stirring up my creative soul in a way that is terrifying and refreshing at the same time.

I read the words:

"Make your choice, adventurous Stranger;
Strike the bell and bide the danger,
Or wonder, till it drives you mad,
What would have followed if you had..."

...and literally got cold chills. I don't want to overstress it, but the life parallel is unavoidable. I am in a phase where trying new things (within reason) has become my latest hobby. If I don't "strike the bell," persay, I am left to regret and wonder what might have been. I want to turn every doorknob and experiment with my hot chocolate recipe and take roadtrips and see what all life has to offer! The mysteries of this life feel fresh and almost tangible... just close enough to keep you interested in pursuing them...

I seem to have struck the balance. I have a very dull and mindless job. One of the few pleasures I find in it are some of the ridiculous names of physicians or patients, but even that can only get you so far. But I have finally figured out how to do my job well and still rely on my imagination to ward off boredome. In my mind, I am free to roam about the world of fantasy, and I hope that it all comes spilling out onto paper before long. The trick is finding something remotely original. How great it would be to actually get something published... but I am a long way from there, still. :)

I have also found myself singing often in recent days, which I think is awesome, because God gave me those verses in Hosea when He began to transform my life into blessed contentment... "and she will sing again as in the days of her youth..." Beautiful, His redemption. I don't remember much about my youth, and I kind of doubt that I did a lot of singing, but I am grateful for the ever-present songs that fill my heart these days.

I don't know how long it will last, but the world seems a kind and welcoming place lately. God has set me in a place where I am resting, growing, becoming the woman He has longed for me to be. I am trying to make good decisions, and choose the direction for my future. I have hope like I hadn't known existed in this life. Most of all, I believe... and oh, how it changes everything.

Here's to spicy hot chocolate, fuzzy green socks, autumn days, and heart-songs! I assure you, sitting at the feet of Jesus is the only place I truly want to be. This is unlike any other chapter of life I have experienced. If you aren't there yet, I encourage you to drop everything, quit all the trying, and just sit at His feet. I honestly don't believe I will ever be the same again.

Jesus loves me, this I know... :)

Like/Dislike

Randomness having to do with my recent life...


Hearing Christmas music on the radio when it's not even Thanksgiving and 70 degrees out... bah, humbug! *dislike* :(

Having an evening to myself after a stressful week... sigh *like* :)

Starting a new book... new adventure *like* :)

International Delight Pumpkin Spice creamer... bleh. Nothing like the Starbuck's version *dislike* :(

The new theater downtown that serves beer... I love Chattanooga *like* :)

Stepping in puppy pee... ew *dislike* :(

My BWW's buddies... fun times! *like* :)

Good Fortune's new holiday peppermint vanilla body wash and lotion... tingly! Very much *like* :)

Church in the morning for worship, fellowship, and growth... contentment *like* :)

My feet always being cold now... brrr! *dislike* :(

Fuzzy socks being the remedy... comfy *like* :)

Pondering my roadtrip to MN... OMG! *like* :D

Not having made progress on my children's book idea... disappointment *dislike* :(

Co-planning a Thanksgiving party for people who aren't going home... party *like* :)

My winter wardrobe... where did this stuff even come from? *dislike* :(

Earning a bonus at work... Yay! *like* :)

Thinking of the perfect Christmas presents for all... creative *like* :)

Christmas trees/lights already up... its a bit soon, but *like* :)

Raspberry Chipotle Hummus being rumored to be back in stock at Greenlife... oh my word *like!* :)

Going all week without driving my car... stir crazy *dislike* :(

Missing the gym for a week... Fatty McFatterson *dislike* :(

Finally getting cable... 'cept I forget that we have it so still don't watch it often *like* :)

Kitty purring happily at my feet... warm *like* :)

Pirate setting on Facebook that lists my relationship status as "marooned" instead of single... Arrr! *like* :)

Getting recently drunk dialed... LOL! *like* :)

Being chastised for my odd views on dating and relationships over dinner... dorkwad *dislike* :(

KT Tunstall's song: "Throw Me a Rope" which reminds me of a certain someone... hopeless *like* :)

Encouraging note from an old friend I never expected to hear from again... made-my-day *like* :)

Being way to obsessed with Facebook? Social networking *like* :)

Having commenters ignore my weirdness and have fun leaving some of their own likes/dislikes... please? *like* :)

No More Bad Days

I hate crying for unknown reasons. I guess it is just one of those days, but I am finding it difficult to change course. I finally finished up work, and now I am curled up on the couch with my favorite blanket, trying to make sense of it all as the daylight drifts off to brighten some other section of the world. Crazy that in another's story somewhere it is morning, while for me, it is just another day gone by.

I finally finished the newest Donald Miller book, and it has made me a bit introspective lately about the story I am creating day to day. It has shaped my perspective in such a way that I do not believe I will be able to look at things the same. That is the mark of a good book.

I have also found rekindled in me the desire to write, to speak life and truth into the bad stories that children face daily. To invite people into a better story... this is my passion and my dream. Though God seems to be alright with it taking my lifetime to accomplish such a small task.

My mind is very far away this evening. I long to know the answer to the question that has burned up my thoughts for months. And yet I can't bear to speed the story along. I don't want to miss a day of it, so I must wait and see what happens. Some days it makes it hard to live here, to interact with my friends and wash the dishes and sit in front of that computer to meet production. The story I so desire to live is miles and miles from here...

However it all turns out, I am working on making a better story, of living a life I am proud to say I lived. Even this evening, before I close my eyes to dream, I have opportunity to redeem part of the story, and I will take it. I want to make memories and smiles tonight. I want to sit in heaven with people and watch my story and say :"Oh yeah... that was that day that started out horrible, but I made it count by the end. We had fun!"

I want all my days to be that way. I get to choose at least part of my daily story. Tonight I choose to be who I want to be, and not who I feel like being in the moment. Perhaps that is enough for today.

With the right perspective, I'm not really sure that there are such things as bad days. We definitely find ourselves in terrible circumstances at times, but isn't it just one small part of a greater story? Much to think about.

I would like to change my perspective so that I do not believe in bad days any more. I wonder if I am being unrealistic, or if I have just discovered one of the secrets to happiness? :) Time will tell, I suppose. For tonight, however, I have just a little more story to make...

No more bad day :)

Autumn Story

I haven't written in a long while because I've been doing some thinking, some sorting, and some just plain living. I have come to a place in my life that I never thought I would make it to, where the word "contentment" isn't just for fairy tales... it has become a reality. And I have simplified my life enough that I can just breathe, and just be, and just heal.

I have learned to laugh again, with my whole heart, like I haven't in a whole lifetime...

I have been alive long enough to know that change comes swiftly, and often catches us off guard. So instead of being fearful of not "getting anywhere" in life, at least for this season, I have taken the time to just rest, and let it all be. At some point, if nothing has changed and I grow weary of the simple life, I may try to stir things up a bit. But until then I will sit here and soak up this ever-elusive "stability" that I have stumbled into. God be praised.

This morning I awoke to the chilly breeze coming through my window, and on my way to turn the kettle on I noticed the tree next door had given up its golden canopy and scattered its treasure all over our front yard. The ground is completely covered, utterly beautiful... the kind of beauty the heart needs in order to remember to pause, reflect, and be still...

I am also shedding the old layers and preparing for vulnerable winter. I don't know what the next season will bring, but I am ready to turn bright and beautiful, to let the color show and let go, and be still and wait to be made alive again. I feel in touch with this old earth today, like my soul knows its glory and pain in this season. I feel like I fit somehow, in this story, even though I don't know how it ends.

It is enough to just be part of it all, just to breathe and feel, to laugh, and love, and be. I have asked myself lately if I am enough, if I am doing enough, if I have healed enough or loved enough, if I have made any difference in my little space on earth...

And these questions remain unanswered. Yet today I know that Almighty God knit me together before I was born, and breathed holy Life into me, and let me go, and let me fall, and let me come back to Him and gave me Life again, anew. Even the cycle of seasons tell His story. And it is enough.

I see now that I have finally given Him back the pen, in surrender and acknowledgement that He is the one creating story. And I can't decipher the plot, which sometimes makes me crazy as a writer, but I am finally okay with the mystery.

I like the story, though, that I have found this Autumn. I still don't know what story I am to write, but it is possible I have had to become satisfied in my own story before I can create one to share with the world.

For now I am content to just rest, and wait to see what happens next...

Solitary Saturdays

Saturday morning... quiet, calm, and solitary. I just brewed some coffee and took that first, fulfilling sip, and let out a sigh.

I am almost lonely. Almost. And yet...

I cannot be angry. I am not unsatisfied with my circumstances or anxious to be somewhere I'm not... I am content to just be. I feel like I have come a great distance in a very short amount of time. I feel... so many things. Mostly I feel Father-God, with firm and loving hands, restoring all the missing pieces of my heart, lost somewhere along the way...

I am not who I was, even a month ago. I am new, redeemed, alive again. I have reached a new chapter of the story somehow... wrapping up the old and stepping into new. Still the same story, and yet... we move along.

Life always moves us. Sometimes the season is long, and we forget that we are moving. Then suddenly, without warning, it has vanished and is no more.

I have let go. I have learned to lay my burdens down, and let them stay there. I have learned to sit at His feet and just rest. I have learned to praise Him, and thank Him, and trust Him through the times that make no sense. Through all the mess of loss and horror and poverty and unfulfilled dreams and crying myself to sleep... I have learned.

I still wonder what is next. I still know what I want it to be... I still ask Him if it could be...

But I also trust... and wait.

This year, I feel Autumn in my blood. It comes softly, slipping in through the slight change in temperature, the hint of dark a bit earlier in the evening...

It comes in through my quieted spirit; unafraid now to show the color within... and let go.

I welcome Autumn. I welcome change. I welcome the story that is in God's hands...

Some day I will miss solitary Saturdays. Some day, I will wake up next to him, and wonder that the story changed so quickly. Someday there will be breakfasts to make, and kids to take to soccer practice and chores to be done. And all of this will have passed away into memory.

So I praise God for the solitude, though there is pain in it. I praise Him for the season, for the story, for these Saturdays, and for those that are coming.

I praise Him, for He is worthy to be praised...

To Stand and Wait

I need to give myself a break. It has become abundantly clear to me by now. In fact, I need it so badly that God is practically forcing it on me....

"Rest, child..." He keeps saying. I won't do it. So then my job sends me to work from home. He takes away about a billion distractions I had struggled to fill the emptiness with and says: "Rest." I don't like it. I don't like the silence; the being alone with myself. I don't like my mess. I don't like spinning my wheels. "I want to be DOING something!!" I frequently remind Him. I pray for other jobs. I ask about marriage. I fight, I yell. I squirm and cry.

I don't like it. But that's all He's really giving me right now....

I succumb. Lately I've just been giving in. Its not as bad as I had feared. There are just lots of things I need to work on, and I know it. And positive growth feels like it takes so very long. Worth it, in the end, I have no doubt. But... I am twenty-seven already... why must it take so long?

This is not the fun part. I am living with an open wound, and it hurts. He's opened me up, and is cleaning everything out... I am fully aware of the pain of having all my weaknesses, insecurities, and bad habits exposed to the elements. And what's worse... to the eyes of those around me. An absolutely nightmare, to a desperate approval-seeker such as myself.

Will it ever be over? I know I will never "arrive" but will there, someday, be a day when I'm all cleaned out and healed up and moving forward into a beautiful life...? Will I be able to write, to love, to help others someday?

I search daily for that Gateway to Hope. I ache to abandon the master/worker relationship, and move into something much, much more intimate. I don't want to miss a second of real relationship with Him. And I realize... that is also His desire. How ironic that I find resting to be such hard work. For me, this resting and trusting is the hardest path I have yet chosen. But what else really matters?

I am anxious for a season of action, a season of change. I am anxious for love to be a verb, and not just a fictional ideal. I am oh, so anxious for Hope to come to me again, and repair the wings on these dreams of mine...

How long, O Lord?

Once again, I am reminded to be still, and know Him as my God.

They also serve, who only stand and wait...