Autumn Story

I haven't written in a long while because I've been doing some thinking, some sorting, and some just plain living. I have come to a place in my life that I never thought I would make it to, where the word "contentment" isn't just for fairy tales... it has become a reality. And I have simplified my life enough that I can just breathe, and just be, and just heal.

I have learned to laugh again, with my whole heart, like I haven't in a whole lifetime...

I have been alive long enough to know that change comes swiftly, and often catches us off guard. So instead of being fearful of not "getting anywhere" in life, at least for this season, I have taken the time to just rest, and let it all be. At some point, if nothing has changed and I grow weary of the simple life, I may try to stir things up a bit. But until then I will sit here and soak up this ever-elusive "stability" that I have stumbled into. God be praised.

This morning I awoke to the chilly breeze coming through my window, and on my way to turn the kettle on I noticed the tree next door had given up its golden canopy and scattered its treasure all over our front yard. The ground is completely covered, utterly beautiful... the kind of beauty the heart needs in order to remember to pause, reflect, and be still...

I am also shedding the old layers and preparing for vulnerable winter. I don't know what the next season will bring, but I am ready to turn bright and beautiful, to let the color show and let go, and be still and wait to be made alive again. I feel in touch with this old earth today, like my soul knows its glory and pain in this season. I feel like I fit somehow, in this story, even though I don't know how it ends.

It is enough to just be part of it all, just to breathe and feel, to laugh, and love, and be. I have asked myself lately if I am enough, if I am doing enough, if I have healed enough or loved enough, if I have made any difference in my little space on earth...

And these questions remain unanswered. Yet today I know that Almighty God knit me together before I was born, and breathed holy Life into me, and let me go, and let me fall, and let me come back to Him and gave me Life again, anew. Even the cycle of seasons tell His story. And it is enough.

I see now that I have finally given Him back the pen, in surrender and acknowledgement that He is the one creating story. And I can't decipher the plot, which sometimes makes me crazy as a writer, but I am finally okay with the mystery.

I like the story, though, that I have found this Autumn. I still don't know what story I am to write, but it is possible I have had to become satisfied in my own story before I can create one to share with the world.

For now I am content to just rest, and wait to see what happens next...

Solitary Saturdays

Saturday morning... quiet, calm, and solitary. I just brewed some coffee and took that first, fulfilling sip, and let out a sigh.

I am almost lonely. Almost. And yet...

I cannot be angry. I am not unsatisfied with my circumstances or anxious to be somewhere I'm not... I am content to just be. I feel like I have come a great distance in a very short amount of time. I feel... so many things. Mostly I feel Father-God, with firm and loving hands, restoring all the missing pieces of my heart, lost somewhere along the way...

I am not who I was, even a month ago. I am new, redeemed, alive again. I have reached a new chapter of the story somehow... wrapping up the old and stepping into new. Still the same story, and yet... we move along.

Life always moves us. Sometimes the season is long, and we forget that we are moving. Then suddenly, without warning, it has vanished and is no more.

I have let go. I have learned to lay my burdens down, and let them stay there. I have learned to sit at His feet and just rest. I have learned to praise Him, and thank Him, and trust Him through the times that make no sense. Through all the mess of loss and horror and poverty and unfulfilled dreams and crying myself to sleep... I have learned.

I still wonder what is next. I still know what I want it to be... I still ask Him if it could be...

But I also trust... and wait.

This year, I feel Autumn in my blood. It comes softly, slipping in through the slight change in temperature, the hint of dark a bit earlier in the evening...

It comes in through my quieted spirit; unafraid now to show the color within... and let go.

I welcome Autumn. I welcome change. I welcome the story that is in God's hands...

Some day I will miss solitary Saturdays. Some day, I will wake up next to him, and wonder that the story changed so quickly. Someday there will be breakfasts to make, and kids to take to soccer practice and chores to be done. And all of this will have passed away into memory.

So I praise God for the solitude, though there is pain in it. I praise Him for the season, for the story, for these Saturdays, and for those that are coming.

I praise Him, for He is worthy to be praised...

To Stand and Wait

I need to give myself a break. It has become abundantly clear to me by now. In fact, I need it so badly that God is practically forcing it on me....

"Rest, child..." He keeps saying. I won't do it. So then my job sends me to work from home. He takes away about a billion distractions I had struggled to fill the emptiness with and says: "Rest." I don't like it. I don't like the silence; the being alone with myself. I don't like my mess. I don't like spinning my wheels. "I want to be DOING something!!" I frequently remind Him. I pray for other jobs. I ask about marriage. I fight, I yell. I squirm and cry.

I don't like it. But that's all He's really giving me right now....

I succumb. Lately I've just been giving in. Its not as bad as I had feared. There are just lots of things I need to work on, and I know it. And positive growth feels like it takes so very long. Worth it, in the end, I have no doubt. But... I am twenty-seven already... why must it take so long?

This is not the fun part. I am living with an open wound, and it hurts. He's opened me up, and is cleaning everything out... I am fully aware of the pain of having all my weaknesses, insecurities, and bad habits exposed to the elements. And what's worse... to the eyes of those around me. An absolutely nightmare, to a desperate approval-seeker such as myself.

Will it ever be over? I know I will never "arrive" but will there, someday, be a day when I'm all cleaned out and healed up and moving forward into a beautiful life...? Will I be able to write, to love, to help others someday?

I search daily for that Gateway to Hope. I ache to abandon the master/worker relationship, and move into something much, much more intimate. I don't want to miss a second of real relationship with Him. And I realize... that is also His desire. How ironic that I find resting to be such hard work. For me, this resting and trusting is the hardest path I have yet chosen. But what else really matters?

I am anxious for a season of action, a season of change. I am anxious for love to be a verb, and not just a fictional ideal. I am oh, so anxious for Hope to come to me again, and repair the wings on these dreams of mine...

How long, O Lord?

Once again, I am reminded to be still, and know Him as my God.

They also serve, who only stand and wait...

Unanswered

I would love to have an original topic to work with, but my brain is still in "search" mode, and nothing is coming up on the page. I suppose that might require that I change something about my life... which I may be close to doing... but I want to wait until I've actually done it before I try writing about it... we shall see.

I love writing. Everything from the sound of the keys to the gentle transformation of words from brain to fingers to page. Half the time I feel like someone else is writing for me, as if these aren't even my thoughts. The muse takes over, and all I have to do is what it tells me, and new life is born. Sovereignty is beautiful and terrifying.

I am trying to write a children's book. Harder than it looks, let me tell you. I have a fantastic title, but that's as far as I've gotten with it so far. I've actually started at least a dozen writing projects recently, with high hopes, and no follow-through. I guess that's a step up from not starting them at all... I guess.

I have a lot of questions that still remain unanswered. I suppose we all do. I still don't know if I'm supposed to conjure up a story through my stress and anxiety and never-ending self doubt, or if one day it will just come to me... and things will never be the same...

I still get up every single morning, and long for the answer...

Gateway to Hope

"But I will win her back again;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her there.
I will return her vineyards to her
and transform the Valley of Trouble
into a gateway to hope.
And she will sing again
as in the days of her youth...
In that day, declares the Lord,
you will call me 'my husband'
instead of 'my master'..."
Hosea 2


I made it to a milestone today, and thought it was worth mentioning, since the last few posts have mainly been comical complaining. Yesterday I decided I had had enough of my mess, and took the entire day off today to clean it. I got a LOT done, but there is still a bit left to do. As in all things, I must keep on keeping on...

But the point is, that I finally did it, and the decision was mine. Truth be told, so much of my past was wrapped up in all that junk, that going through it was harder than most people realize or understand. But now I feel like I am putting it to rest, and moving on to that great, unknown future that God has set before me. He knows what I am hoping comes next... but...

For now I am just anxious for this valley to transform...

Cat Lady in Training?

I truly hate being discontent, but I have grown frustrated with my story this season. And that is putting it nicely :) As I told one of my best friends last night, I'd have stopped reading if it weren't my own damn life.

So many questions. It all comes down to not knowing who I am, or why I am, or what my purpose will be. I could write such a better story if I knew the answers to these questions...

I hurt.

One of the men that I most respect in life, a former professor at my college, used to tell me that in all the best stories, the hero doesn't come until the very last minute... when it seems all hope is lost. So I suppose every story has to have an "all hope is lost" before it gets to the good part. But reading it and living it are very different things.

Honestly, I often don't even feel like the heroine in my own story. I am the dopey side-kick, the best friend, the bridesmaid... the comic relief. And every story needs that... but... I had hoped for greater things.

Yesterday I was with two close girl friends in a coffee shop, and we were talking and laughing and being ridiculous, and being real. And I made the statement that I am so confused about life, because I know in this culture I am supposed to be a "career woman," but I really don't fit the mold. What I truly, honestly want is to be a wife, and a mother, to be a help and support to a good, godly man. That is the deepest desire of my heart. And I get so lost because everything else I attempt just feels like a waste of time. And I just don't understand.

And right then, the craziest thing happened. The guy sitting on the couch behind our table said, "Might I interject?" and then we were pretty much in a scene from a movie!

He was a nice guy, but a businessman, through and through. He told us about how he found his wife (online), and how we don't have time to waste. As if I don't fear that already. He told us that, as late twenty-somethings, we are competing for the handful of good men who are left, and that we need to be proactive because our competitions are 19 year olds, and we only have a "short window of beauty" to work with. Nice.

I want to give him credit. He was attractive and charming, and trying to speak from the heart, and he made some good points. He also said that he was glad to hear me say that I wanted to be a wife and a mom, and that that desire had been what sold him on the woman he married. I truly believe he was trying to help. But for the love of God, the last thing the world needs is more exhausted, competitive Christian women who feel like they have to hunt a man down. Lord, save us all from that fate!

If that is the case, then I'm out. I will not interview for the position of wife in a man's life. I will not grovel, or beg, or chase. I will not compete with a 19 year old with a perfect body. If you want a 19 year old, go get one. I will, most certainly, not stand in your way.

The truth is, God has made a woman out of me. Brought up in a terribly unhealthy environment, I have chosen to seek and trust Him, and let Him heal me, though it hurts worse than anything I could have ever imagined. I have chosen to save myself for marriage, I have chosen to live vulnerably and honestly before a critical world, I have chosen a harder road, and that has left its share of scars. I leave my heart in God's hands, because every time I don't, I make an absolute mess of things.

And truly, I do not want to waste time. God knows I do not want to compete. And by the grace of God, no, I do not want to just make out with you on your couch! Whether I deserve more than that, I do not know. But I have the power to choose, and I have chosen. I would rather "fail" seeking and trusting the heart of God, than try my luck at anything else.

If that is not enough for a man, then so be it. Bring on the cats. I have nothing more to offer than who I am. And who I am is who God has made me to be thus far. I will continue growing, but I can never be more than He allows. So I will not exhaust myself further trying to be someone I'm not for some guy who won't, in the end, even want me.

My hope rests in the fact that the story isn't over yet. There are still chapters to be written, and the heart of God is a wild, wild place. He has certainly told some good stories in the past. There is still a chance that mine will be no exception. All I really know to do is keep reading...

I Prayed For a Husband, and God Bought Me Fries

Is there a less lame way to start a blog than saying some mindless crap like: "Today was a really bad day"...? Maybe if I hadn't had such an exhausting week I could think of something more creative... oh well.

Everyone is getting married. And yay for them. I mean that. I do. It's just...

This isn't coming out right.

In other news, I've started applying for nanny jobs again. I'll be honest, I don't really know what I'm doing. I just... don't want to feel stuck anymore.

I saw Halloween shirts at Target today when I got out of the house. It was the first time it really sunk in to me that it's already August. I hope this year I don't miss the whole season! I am trying to enjoy the sunshine while it is here, but I hope when this season ends, it takes with it some of the mess I've been dealing with...

It occurred to me that, as dearly as I love my friends, I might need more... I am so sick of the lonely evenings where no one wants to hang out.

Apparently this post is going to be a lot of random thoughts.

I miss something I can't put my finger on these days... and if I can't figure out what it is, how in God's name am I supposed to find it??

Today I saw someone I did not want to see. In fact, if I never saw him again, I would be infinitely happy. And it amazes me how deeply God loves us... loves us all. As angry as I am with him, I want with all of my heart for him to know God's unshakable love. I think that means I am healing.

I have been oh, so lonely all day. I spent my lunch break crying, begging God for clarity, asking Him if my singleness is almost done... if there's even a tiny chance that the guy who's been on my mind might have noticed me... I am so tired of being invisible.

These days, whenever I ask for something, He always answers: "Trust me." It never fails to make me angry. And yet, at the end of the day, trust in Him is all that really matters.

I have been praying for my husband daily. I don't even care if that's stupid. I may not know who he is, but if he's out there, he probably needs prayer just as much as I do. I figure it is a good habit to be into, for when he does come along.

This is a long and lonely road. I had no idea what I was committing to when I committed to waiting! But they say it is worth it...

I think my life would be worse without coffee. I love the stuff.

I accidentally tie-dyed my shirt a few days ago. Total accident. And it looks awesome. Sometimes life is strange.

So after I saw the unmentionable heartbreaker, I broke my diet and went to Burger King. It was either that, or more tears. And I had just recovered from the headache I had aquired over lunch break. I do not regret one calorie.

I didn't order fries. I wanted them, but didn't order them. When I was pulling out of the drive-thru, I thought I smelled them. "Nooo," I convinced myself, "you're just wishing you smelled fries." But when I got home and opened the bag, there they were. I prayed all day for a husband, and God bought me fries. :) I guess He thought it would be okay for me to have one of the things I wanted today.

Maybe I'm crazy, but I really think He is paying attention. I hope He answers me soon... at this point, I don't really care what the answer is. I just want one.