A Piece of God's Heart

I am at the close of one of the best vacations I have ever had. I feel exhausted and refreshed at the same time. More hopeful about life but dreading the return to day by day in front of the computer, doing nothing of much value.

But God has bigger plans... I can hear it in the howling wind and taste it in the salt of the sea. Out here, anything is possible. Dreams are washed out to sea and brought back again, redeemed. I always find a wild piece of God's heart out here... the part that I love so deeply. My soul responds immediately to my lack of control. I lose all track of time, all sense of responsibility. I find that I can just be, and that it is enough.

I stand and face the ocean; a vast expanse of churning, crashing mystery... and yearn to know its depths. I find God in the waves, ever-constant and powerful beyond my knowledge; they might lift me up or shove me beneath the surface, and I have little or no say in the matter, but something in me cannot help but swim forward to find out...

And thus, I am renewed. I am anchored, and set back in my place. My perspective is changed, and I hope it lasts awhile this time. I need a peace that will stay around and let me rest. I need something to look forward to, something to move towards. I need to make my life into something I don't dread waking up to. I think these last few days have shown me just how much I need that. So I must work to find the way...

How quickly time passes when we least want it to. And yet, perhaps another adventure awaits me that I know nothing of just yet. And I will never find it unless I dare to dream, and risk, and face the unknown future set before me. God, make it a good one. I am ready for more of what is good...

A Sea-Change

I slept deeply and woke up well, still feeling groggy but with joy inside. A good strong cup of coffee will cure the rest. I have a full day ahead, of sand and waves and laying in the sunshine. I may even attempt surfing this afternoon, if I feel so inclined...! Sometimes life is unexpectedly good. And though these times seem all too rare, I made it here, and I may yet make it a little further down the road now. I did not know how desperately I needed to recharge....

So much on my mind, still. Maybe I can get some stuff sorted out this weekend. There is one thing that bothers me more than all else, and I am trying to just let it go. Almost impossible, it seems... but I will go crazy if I don't. I want to live a life of freedom, and it hasn't allowed me to be free, so it has to go. God help me, because I cannot do it on my own.

But standing before the great ocean with the wind making a mess of my hair seems the perfect place to let it all go and start over. It will be worth it in the end. However things work out, it will be worth it to let it go now. I've just got to trust that God will work it all out in the end. I don't even want it to depend on me anymore... I have never been a fan of having too much control over my circumstances. And the more I learn to trust in God as a loving father, the more I am able to set it in his hands and let him do what he's going to do anyway, just without my interfering :)

Today it is easy. I have the ocean to tackle and the sun to soak up and good food to eat that someone else is even cooking! All I have to do is enjoy my last day of 26 and let the year go. But I must learn to trust this much every day, to let the past go and move into the unknown future in faith.

And I am ready. I am ready for a change, a deeper faith, a closer relationship. I am ready to stop trying to do it myself. I am ready to let go the most important things in my world and say: "but Your will be done..." It is easy now, and we all know how hard it becomes. But I have this day, and this is where I am now. So I'm going to go live it with all I've got, and see what happens next.

Something Old, Something New

How to say what I want to say...? I'm still waking up =]

Life is going well for me, for the first time in a long time. I don't know why. I do not wish to try to explain it; my desire is just to live it well and use this chance to take a deep breath before it all changes again, as it inevitably will. That is the way Life goes for us. I no longer try to be in control, as I have found this to be useless. I only wish to let go, and enjoy the ride...

... I almost added "with arms wide open," but then realized this would then become a Creed song, and not a blog post. Ha. I was thinking about my recent trip to Six Flags, however... but I digress...

So I am rediscovering myself, and learning more about who I am every single day. I feel very stable, something I am not accustomed to. I feel alive, and joyful, like I am shedding all of the old me and letting all the newly redeemed layers show. I don't wish to resort to the overused budding flower analogy... surely there is something more creative I could compare it to? Alas...

I have gone back to some of my old loves, like soaking up the sunshine, and diving into a good novel. At the same time, though, I am trying new things at just about every opportunity I get. I feel like I stepped through some invisible door into a different life, like Alice in Wonderland. Or rather, the same life, only from another angle. It is my old life still, yet everything feels brand new and full of wonder. When I awake, I feel deeply that it is not what it used to be. And I love it.

Prayer comes easily these days, and I feel my faith growing each time I devote time to it. When I pray for people, I feel God's love for them, and I know the answers are coming soon. I felt this way long, long ago. But I had forgotten...

How I ever got away from this, or why, I may never know. All I know is, I am happy now, and wish to stay this way... always growing and learning and watching Him as the author and finisher of my faith. Is it possible to remain in this state, or do we have to lose our footing in the hard times and then come back into this new life again eventually? Does Life just ebb and flow like that, or is there a way to contain stability, and store it up? When I find out, I will let the world know ;]

I think I am understanding Fatherhood, and accepting him as a father for the first time. To be honest, I never believed I would. I just always assumed I would never get to understand God in that way, because my earthly parenting was such a mess. But here I am, finally seeing him in a different way, the way I've heard so many people talk about him. I have no idea where this road leads, but I will walk it in faith and see what happens...

Amazing to me, that just when I thought life was sterile and boring, I discover what a great adventure it can be! Perhaps there was a purpose for me after all. I used to wonder every day why God wanted a Jo in the world, and what on earth he would have wanted me for. I still do not know the answers... I am only convinced that I am part of a great story, and anxious to fulfill my role in it.

This whole change in my life happened because I decided to try some new things, and open my heart up to living again... I would encourage you, next time opportunity presents itself, just to give it a try, and see where life takes you...

The Redemption of Stupidity

I realized on Friday that I'm a month away from my birthday, and that we're halfway to Christmas already. Can time really be slipping by so quickly? I wish it would chill out for awhile and let me catch up.

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to take this moment to announce that I am happy. That is not something I have often put into words in here, so I feel it is an event worth recording! I am not saying that everything is perfect, or that I've found out the meaning of life. But truly... between my circumstances, my choices, and my willingness to be still and know God, I have seen my life slowly transforming into something good.

I love it. Some of my relationships are deepening in ways I never expected, and without me having to exhaust myself with the effort of keeping them alive (crazy how that works with healthy relationships, eh?). And a lot of the ones that were unhealthy are finally slipping away into beautiful oblivion. All I had to do was choose to open my hands and let them go. I have not had one regret since making that decision... God has been infinitely good to me, despite some of the worst decisions I have ever made coming back to hurt and haunt me in recent months.

So I am left wondering, what now? I have made better choices, and found a lot of the change I had been hoping and praying for... so now I am just waiting. Not inactively, mind you, I am still exploring and growing and open to changing for the better. I am looking into taking some business writing classes, and learning sign language, and I'm still taking dance, and trying to write poetry, and volunteering at the hospital.

I am not, in any way, who I thought I would be... and perhaps that is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I thought I knew what I wanted... but now I see that there is something better than even that. So I am content to wait and hope for it to happen in its own time.

I am confident, once again, that I am loved. There is more security in that knowledge than one might imagine. Something in me has settled recently, and seems content to stay that way. So I find myself happy, and hopeful for the future, and resting in the joy of watching the redemption of my stupidity. Perhaps someday soon I will have the courage to write openly about some of my more recent mistakes and the redemption of them. Part of me is still waiting on the end of the story, however. It is not quite ready to be revealed yet, I think.

Happy Saturday to all. I am going to go refill my coffee mug, and enjoy this day to the last drop! =]

Life is... Better.

Life just doesn't make sense sometimes. Right now it is one of those seasons for me. The only difference this time is that I think I may be okay with it. I think I am at a place where, despite the chaos and confusion, and "things not going as I planned" and all of that... despite it all, I am finding that I am still okay, and still moving in a direction that I believe to be healthy.

I have done a lot of running around lately, chasing one dream or another, and I suppose I have learned a lot doing it. But I think what I have learned most distinctly is that I'm pretty okay with where my life is now. I wasn't expecting that at all. But it is very refreshing.

I find myself longing for the slower pace, the deeper conversations with my girl friends, the occasional undefined is-it-a-date-or-not outing with a guy. Really, its too exhausting to try to want more than this right now. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but I am trying to let life just be what it is, and be happy there...

I have been recently pondering whether we are who we are because we are made that way, or we are who we are because we choose to be...? I feel like I have been "more myself" in these last couple of months, where I am choosing to be and do things I've never done before, than I have ever been before. But was I already programmed to be this person...? Who knows for sure.

The point is that I feel like I am starting to live my life, stepping outside of my comfort zone, which I have found does not really hold a lot of comfort after all, only regret. And I am having a blast! Honestly, I wish I hadn't wasted so much time before I got here...

But no point looking back now... I've got the rest of my life ahead of me, and it looks like it might be beautiful...

I'm back =]

The news hit me full in the face - or, really, in the heart - and I fell down hard. I was headed straight for a serious depression. And I, knowing the road well, had moments in which to react. It has been said that, two roads diverged in the woods and I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference. I am currently living the reality of poetry and song.

And so, I finally made some hard decisions, and my life has taken a better turn. I had forgotten how it feels to be okay with yourself, to live in harmony when your choices and beliefs match up. I had forgotten what it feels like to try something brand new and find that it has been part of you, hiding somewhere in your depths, all that time and you never knew it. I am finding joy in the little things again, living a life that I am no longer ashamed of, and growing miles every minute along the way. Sweet freedom has found my soul again, and I can breathe...

Once again I find myself running into the arms of a God who is tender and merciful, filled with unfailing love. Once again I am finding relationship instead of religion, and I don't know how I lost it in the first place. I don't know why I ever wanted something different than this. I find I have not rested in a long, long time. So I am learning to be still, and know...

And so... I am back, and looking for ways to live creatively, and not out of fear. I have learned this time that living your life fully is so much better than exploring even the wildest fantasy... I got caught up in a dream that shattered before my eyes, and revealed an ugly truth that all I had believed in was a lie. I am through, at long last, with the lies. I have traded them for life and hope and happiness, and the world is changed.

I have finally found again the way everlasting...

Dropping Off the Face of the Earth

What an odd expression. I wonder what the face of the earth looks like? I've seen the face in the moon, but the earth? Hmm. Random thoughts.

I have been out of sorts lately. I feel a bit lost these days, and so far I have not been able to pull myself out of the funk I am in. What was I supposed to do? What was life supposed to look like? I believe there are endless possibilities out there, but I am frustrated to find myself in another job I hate, going nowhere. I have found that I get intense writer's block every time I try to update my resume. I honestly feel as if I cannot get out of this... whatever it is.

People keep telling me it's not my circumstances that need to change, but my perspective. I have given myself headaches lately, trying to talk myself out of depression, and into more positive thinking. I have not had any luck so far. I believe that what I need is a deeper understanding of truth. I have a lot of fears and false beliefs about God that no doubt interfere with my ability to correctly assess my current situation, or to develop a healthy strategy to get out of it.

Whatever the case may be, I need things to change, and soon. A better perspective, a better job, a better state of mind... whatever needs to happen. I don't really care what it is, I just want it to get better...

All that to say, I'm going through a very weird stage of life and I may be dropping off the face of the earth for awhile. Perhaps by the time I make it back, I will have some good stories and solid insights to post. Right now I just don't feel like I have much to offer.

Say a prayer for me.