The Redemption of Stupidity

I realized on Friday that I'm a month away from my birthday, and that we're halfway to Christmas already. Can time really be slipping by so quickly? I wish it would chill out for awhile and let me catch up.

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to take this moment to announce that I am happy. That is not something I have often put into words in here, so I feel it is an event worth recording! I am not saying that everything is perfect, or that I've found out the meaning of life. But truly... between my circumstances, my choices, and my willingness to be still and know God, I have seen my life slowly transforming into something good.

I love it. Some of my relationships are deepening in ways I never expected, and without me having to exhaust myself with the effort of keeping them alive (crazy how that works with healthy relationships, eh?). And a lot of the ones that were unhealthy are finally slipping away into beautiful oblivion. All I had to do was choose to open my hands and let them go. I have not had one regret since making that decision... God has been infinitely good to me, despite some of the worst decisions I have ever made coming back to hurt and haunt me in recent months.

So I am left wondering, what now? I have made better choices, and found a lot of the change I had been hoping and praying for... so now I am just waiting. Not inactively, mind you, I am still exploring and growing and open to changing for the better. I am looking into taking some business writing classes, and learning sign language, and I'm still taking dance, and trying to write poetry, and volunteering at the hospital.

I am not, in any way, who I thought I would be... and perhaps that is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I thought I knew what I wanted... but now I see that there is something better than even that. So I am content to wait and hope for it to happen in its own time.

I am confident, once again, that I am loved. There is more security in that knowledge than one might imagine. Something in me has settled recently, and seems content to stay that way. So I find myself happy, and hopeful for the future, and resting in the joy of watching the redemption of my stupidity. Perhaps someday soon I will have the courage to write openly about some of my more recent mistakes and the redemption of them. Part of me is still waiting on the end of the story, however. It is not quite ready to be revealed yet, I think.

Happy Saturday to all. I am going to go refill my coffee mug, and enjoy this day to the last drop! =]

Life is... Better.

Life just doesn't make sense sometimes. Right now it is one of those seasons for me. The only difference this time is that I think I may be okay with it. I think I am at a place where, despite the chaos and confusion, and "things not going as I planned" and all of that... despite it all, I am finding that I am still okay, and still moving in a direction that I believe to be healthy.

I have done a lot of running around lately, chasing one dream or another, and I suppose I have learned a lot doing it. But I think what I have learned most distinctly is that I'm pretty okay with where my life is now. I wasn't expecting that at all. But it is very refreshing.

I find myself longing for the slower pace, the deeper conversations with my girl friends, the occasional undefined is-it-a-date-or-not outing with a guy. Really, its too exhausting to try to want more than this right now. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but I am trying to let life just be what it is, and be happy there...

I have been recently pondering whether we are who we are because we are made that way, or we are who we are because we choose to be...? I feel like I have been "more myself" in these last couple of months, where I am choosing to be and do things I've never done before, than I have ever been before. But was I already programmed to be this person...? Who knows for sure.

The point is that I feel like I am starting to live my life, stepping outside of my comfort zone, which I have found does not really hold a lot of comfort after all, only regret. And I am having a blast! Honestly, I wish I hadn't wasted so much time before I got here...

But no point looking back now... I've got the rest of my life ahead of me, and it looks like it might be beautiful...

I'm back =]

The news hit me full in the face - or, really, in the heart - and I fell down hard. I was headed straight for a serious depression. And I, knowing the road well, had moments in which to react. It has been said that, two roads diverged in the woods and I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference. I am currently living the reality of poetry and song.

And so, I finally made some hard decisions, and my life has taken a better turn. I had forgotten how it feels to be okay with yourself, to live in harmony when your choices and beliefs match up. I had forgotten what it feels like to try something brand new and find that it has been part of you, hiding somewhere in your depths, all that time and you never knew it. I am finding joy in the little things again, living a life that I am no longer ashamed of, and growing miles every minute along the way. Sweet freedom has found my soul again, and I can breathe...

Once again I find myself running into the arms of a God who is tender and merciful, filled with unfailing love. Once again I am finding relationship instead of religion, and I don't know how I lost it in the first place. I don't know why I ever wanted something different than this. I find I have not rested in a long, long time. So I am learning to be still, and know...

And so... I am back, and looking for ways to live creatively, and not out of fear. I have learned this time that living your life fully is so much better than exploring even the wildest fantasy... I got caught up in a dream that shattered before my eyes, and revealed an ugly truth that all I had believed in was a lie. I am through, at long last, with the lies. I have traded them for life and hope and happiness, and the world is changed.

I have finally found again the way everlasting...

Dropping Off the Face of the Earth

What an odd expression. I wonder what the face of the earth looks like? I've seen the face in the moon, but the earth? Hmm. Random thoughts.

I have been out of sorts lately. I feel a bit lost these days, and so far I have not been able to pull myself out of the funk I am in. What was I supposed to do? What was life supposed to look like? I believe there are endless possibilities out there, but I am frustrated to find myself in another job I hate, going nowhere. I have found that I get intense writer's block every time I try to update my resume. I honestly feel as if I cannot get out of this... whatever it is.

People keep telling me it's not my circumstances that need to change, but my perspective. I have given myself headaches lately, trying to talk myself out of depression, and into more positive thinking. I have not had any luck so far. I believe that what I need is a deeper understanding of truth. I have a lot of fears and false beliefs about God that no doubt interfere with my ability to correctly assess my current situation, or to develop a healthy strategy to get out of it.

Whatever the case may be, I need things to change, and soon. A better perspective, a better job, a better state of mind... whatever needs to happen. I don't really care what it is, I just want it to get better...

All that to say, I'm going through a very weird stage of life and I may be dropping off the face of the earth for awhile. Perhaps by the time I make it back, I will have some good stories and solid insights to post. Right now I just don't feel like I have much to offer.

Say a prayer for me.

Inbetweenness

I hate moving. If I could have afforded to stay in this apartment, I would have stayed forever, just to keep from moving again. My shoulders are killing me right now. I'm exhausted, and frustrated, and I can't seem to focus on anything, which is why I just took a moment to sit down and write.

I have no idea how to get it all done. I would love some company, either at this place or the new house, but there is none. Just someone to hug me, or help me focus, or whatever. It's dumb, but I'm mad that I have to work tomorrow, because it would be awesome if I could sleep in a little and just get settled in my new place......

Basically, I hate the inbetweenness of my life right now. I do not do well with this part of life, and never have. So I'm kinda freaking out right now. But it will be okay... this move is a good thing. I will finally have a house! And that's awesome. It is just... unbelievably scary and completely overwhelming to me at this moment. But it will be okay...

Back to work. Wish me luck!!

Roses Are Red... And So Is That Wine I Like.

I bought a bottle of wine today, to celebrate Valentine's Day, and the tax return that was so much more than I thought it would be. To most people, it is probably a minuscule amount of money, but I honestly feel like I have just won the lottery. I have been describing the emotion as "Christmas without the family drama."

I have learned, in the past few years of near poverty, to appreciate every dollar. It is one of those mysterious mixes of joy and despair, I suppose, that brings you to that place. When we are at our worst, it seems that we learn what is truly important to us. This has certainly been true in my life of late.

Anyway, it took me at least twenty minutes and a box cutter to open said bottle, not to mention the time I stood in line at Target, waiting to purchase a corkscrew that I later discovered I did not need. Apparently this particular wine has a screw-off lid. And yes, it still took me twenty minutes to open.

I would have just gone back to Walmart for the corkscrew, but the chances of coming into contact with another awkward situation were too great. I had been standing in the card aisle, trying to find something witty and generic for a co-worker's belated birthday, whom I suspect is interested, but the feeling is just not mutual... but that's a story for another time.

Back to my Walmart adventure. There was a guy next to me; tall, baseball cap, also looking at cards, and I made simple small talk about how the card writers must be running out of ideas, because the majority of them were severely lacking. I do not consider this to be a flirtatious interaction, but I know some guys who would disagree with me, and have called me a flirt just because I have a decent rapport with people I have just met.

All this to say, I eventually sighed, grabbed a card, and started to leave with what would have been my parting comment: "I guess I'll just have to go with the generic alcoholic joke card..." to which his response was, "What would I have to do to get your number?"

Interesting follow-up. I'm sure I froze in my tracks, with that homeschooler-in-the-headlights look, my mind racing to form a witty comeback or just find a way out, while he stumbled and rushed through the next few set of questions, including: "I thought people were supposed to be with the ones they loved on Valentine's Day?" (this smelt of a practiced pick-up line), "Where's your man? Do you not have anyone? What are you doing tonight? Would you want to go somewhere?" etc.

Most people resort to "fight or flight" in the midst of a threatening situation involving their pure survival. For me, all it takes is an awkward moment, such as: "Can I have your number?" and I typically bolt. I'm pretty sure I resorted to the dreadful phrase: "I'm just not looking for someone right now..." which really means: "We're in Walmart and I feel awkward, so my default is no..." but to him was probably translated: "I'm another woman rejecting you. Not in a million years would I consent to giving the likes of you my phone number." It wasn't true, but there's no changing the past.

Oh, dear. At this rate, I will see many, many more solitary Valentine's Days. Poor fellow. I should have just told him the truth, that I'm nuts and he has no idea what he's getting into by asking me out for a drink, especially on Valentine's Day. It is a bad idea for oh, so many reasons, such as I have no alcohol tolerance, and despite my best efforts, I'm not that great a kisser. But I didn't think of it in time. It was truly nothing against him. He seemed like a nice guy with a good sense of humor, if a little too forward when nervous... I just have an extremely low tolerance for awkward situations, and that definitely qualified.

I've done pretty well today, considering. And by that I mean I haven't cried yet. My mother, just last night, begged me to sign up for EHarmony.com, as if I've got just one chance and it's fading fast. I don't have anything against the website, or those who choose to use it, but I'm just not ready for that. I believe I am an odd mix of woman and child, still. I often feel weary in a way that has come much too soon for my age, and yet my outlook and experience mirror that of someone who has not yet seen much of life. What is to become of me, I have no way to know, and I have failed time and again in my attempt to explain myself to others.

I have been recently asked about my "type of guy" and I have come to the scary realization that I do not have any idea what that might be. Perhaps, despite my best efforts of self-analysation, I do not know myself well enough to be able to answer that question. I may not be as alone as I feel... it seems there are many 20-something singles out there who could echo these same ponderings of mine...

I wish a Happy Valentine's Day to all, but especially to those of us who are genuinely lost in the questions. And for those of us who aren't having nice dinners or receiving red roses from a special someone tonight, here's a toast to the awkward moments that define our days...!

The Edge of Greatness

I've only got a few hours left of my 3-day weekend, and I am sad to see it go. Tomorrow I start back into the normal routine of the life I don't enjoy; the 8-5 daily grind of the job I ought to be grateful for, but have somehow lost the strength to be.

It's been a good weekend. I've just done normal weekend stuff, but with an extra day to rest and get my thoughts together. I took a walk this morning, and it snowed a little, and I just feel a sense of... I guess "peace" is too cliche... but I feel like I see life a little more clearly right now. For the first time in awhile I feel okay. And I wish, so much, that I felt this way more often.

I am on a search for a new life right now. I have grown deeply unsatisfied with what I have currently, and I am working to change it in healthy ways. As much as I don't typically like change, I would change almost everything right now if I could. I still like this city and I have great friends, but other than that... new job, new scenery, new attitude, new everything else would be awesome.

I am trying to do my part. I am making efforts to get in shape and go through all my stuff and only take what I really need into the new house. I am about to update my resume and try to find something more suited to me, and hopefully better pay as well. And even though I'm not really looking for someone, I wouldn't mind getting to the point where I at least felt date-able. Right now I feel like such a mess that I wouldn't dare getting someone else involved with me, unless they really knew what they were getting into. But maybe soon, with a little emotional construction work, I could be closer to ready for that relationship...

And God... I definitely do not feel close to God right now. I know all I need to know, but like I am constantly telling a close friend of mine: "It doesn't matter what you know, it's what you actually believe and live that makes the difference when it comes to eternity..." And I am a little mixed up about what I believe right now, if I am being honest with myself.

I told a girlfriend recently that I feel like a piece of artwork that didn't turn out right, and so got stuffed into the back of God's closet. I mean, at least He kept it. But it's not like He hung it on His wall, where it makes Him smile every day...

Of course I know this isn't truth, it is just my fragile attempt to explain my current emotional state and outlook.

I definitely feel stuck, and I definitely don't feel like I'm a valued member of God's kingdom at the moment. The financial strain and lack of creative necessity in my job has finally caught up with me. I am tired of being poor, tired of paying the minimum amount on my debts, tired of being unhappy, and tired of being, or at least feeling, like second place when it comes to God's daughters. I must find a way to change my perspective. I just wish I knew how already.

Someone I deeply respect told me just this weekend that I am not drowning, as I assumed I was, but that I am right on the edge of greatness. When she said it, it brought to memory my brief moments at the Grand Canyon, peering breathless into something infinitely bigger than I, that I wanted so much to be a part of. I picked up a few rocks, but couldn't grasp it all with just my hand, and I wanted the adventure, but knew I could not survive in the belly of it... in reality, I could only drink in with my eyes and lose myself in wonder...

Can it be? Can it really be that this isn't the end at all, that this isn't the part where I stumble, and fall, and never make it back up... but where I learn that there is something more than I have yet imagined? Am I simply staring at the wall in Plato's cave, wearily watching the same old shapes, with no knowledge of the world that is just beyond my sight? Am I about to turn around and discover light for the first time? Or is hope just another heartache waiting to happen...?

And now, another daylight is fading away, and on to another day that is so like so many before it, and yet different, and new. I do not know what to say, so I merely say a prayer, and go to bed, wishing deep down that I would wake up to another reality... and God knows this well. What he does with that desire, I suppose, is completely up to him.

Here's hoping that at what feels like the end of my rope, I find myself on the edge of greatness instead.