Dropping Off the Face of the Earth

What an odd expression. I wonder what the face of the earth looks like? I've seen the face in the moon, but the earth? Hmm. Random thoughts.

I have been out of sorts lately. I feel a bit lost these days, and so far I have not been able to pull myself out of the funk I am in. What was I supposed to do? What was life supposed to look like? I believe there are endless possibilities out there, but I am frustrated to find myself in another job I hate, going nowhere. I have found that I get intense writer's block every time I try to update my resume. I honestly feel as if I cannot get out of this... whatever it is.

People keep telling me it's not my circumstances that need to change, but my perspective. I have given myself headaches lately, trying to talk myself out of depression, and into more positive thinking. I have not had any luck so far. I believe that what I need is a deeper understanding of truth. I have a lot of fears and false beliefs about God that no doubt interfere with my ability to correctly assess my current situation, or to develop a healthy strategy to get out of it.

Whatever the case may be, I need things to change, and soon. A better perspective, a better job, a better state of mind... whatever needs to happen. I don't really care what it is, I just want it to get better...

All that to say, I'm going through a very weird stage of life and I may be dropping off the face of the earth for awhile. Perhaps by the time I make it back, I will have some good stories and solid insights to post. Right now I just don't feel like I have much to offer.

Say a prayer for me.

Inbetweenness

I hate moving. If I could have afforded to stay in this apartment, I would have stayed forever, just to keep from moving again. My shoulders are killing me right now. I'm exhausted, and frustrated, and I can't seem to focus on anything, which is why I just took a moment to sit down and write.

I have no idea how to get it all done. I would love some company, either at this place or the new house, but there is none. Just someone to hug me, or help me focus, or whatever. It's dumb, but I'm mad that I have to work tomorrow, because it would be awesome if I could sleep in a little and just get settled in my new place......

Basically, I hate the inbetweenness of my life right now. I do not do well with this part of life, and never have. So I'm kinda freaking out right now. But it will be okay... this move is a good thing. I will finally have a house! And that's awesome. It is just... unbelievably scary and completely overwhelming to me at this moment. But it will be okay...

Back to work. Wish me luck!!

Roses Are Red... And So Is That Wine I Like.

I bought a bottle of wine today, to celebrate Valentine's Day, and the tax return that was so much more than I thought it would be. To most people, it is probably a minuscule amount of money, but I honestly feel like I have just won the lottery. I have been describing the emotion as "Christmas without the family drama."

I have learned, in the past few years of near poverty, to appreciate every dollar. It is one of those mysterious mixes of joy and despair, I suppose, that brings you to that place. When we are at our worst, it seems that we learn what is truly important to us. This has certainly been true in my life of late.

Anyway, it took me at least twenty minutes and a box cutter to open said bottle, not to mention the time I stood in line at Target, waiting to purchase a corkscrew that I later discovered I did not need. Apparently this particular wine has a screw-off lid. And yes, it still took me twenty minutes to open.

I would have just gone back to Walmart for the corkscrew, but the chances of coming into contact with another awkward situation were too great. I had been standing in the card aisle, trying to find something witty and generic for a co-worker's belated birthday, whom I suspect is interested, but the feeling is just not mutual... but that's a story for another time.

Back to my Walmart adventure. There was a guy next to me; tall, baseball cap, also looking at cards, and I made simple small talk about how the card writers must be running out of ideas, because the majority of them were severely lacking. I do not consider this to be a flirtatious interaction, but I know some guys who would disagree with me, and have called me a flirt just because I have a decent rapport with people I have just met.

All this to say, I eventually sighed, grabbed a card, and started to leave with what would have been my parting comment: "I guess I'll just have to go with the generic alcoholic joke card..." to which his response was, "What would I have to do to get your number?"

Interesting follow-up. I'm sure I froze in my tracks, with that homeschooler-in-the-headlights look, my mind racing to form a witty comeback or just find a way out, while he stumbled and rushed through the next few set of questions, including: "I thought people were supposed to be with the ones they loved on Valentine's Day?" (this smelt of a practiced pick-up line), "Where's your man? Do you not have anyone? What are you doing tonight? Would you want to go somewhere?" etc.

Most people resort to "fight or flight" in the midst of a threatening situation involving their pure survival. For me, all it takes is an awkward moment, such as: "Can I have your number?" and I typically bolt. I'm pretty sure I resorted to the dreadful phrase: "I'm just not looking for someone right now..." which really means: "We're in Walmart and I feel awkward, so my default is no..." but to him was probably translated: "I'm another woman rejecting you. Not in a million years would I consent to giving the likes of you my phone number." It wasn't true, but there's no changing the past.

Oh, dear. At this rate, I will see many, many more solitary Valentine's Days. Poor fellow. I should have just told him the truth, that I'm nuts and he has no idea what he's getting into by asking me out for a drink, especially on Valentine's Day. It is a bad idea for oh, so many reasons, such as I have no alcohol tolerance, and despite my best efforts, I'm not that great a kisser. But I didn't think of it in time. It was truly nothing against him. He seemed like a nice guy with a good sense of humor, if a little too forward when nervous... I just have an extremely low tolerance for awkward situations, and that definitely qualified.

I've done pretty well today, considering. And by that I mean I haven't cried yet. My mother, just last night, begged me to sign up for EHarmony.com, as if I've got just one chance and it's fading fast. I don't have anything against the website, or those who choose to use it, but I'm just not ready for that. I believe I am an odd mix of woman and child, still. I often feel weary in a way that has come much too soon for my age, and yet my outlook and experience mirror that of someone who has not yet seen much of life. What is to become of me, I have no way to know, and I have failed time and again in my attempt to explain myself to others.

I have been recently asked about my "type of guy" and I have come to the scary realization that I do not have any idea what that might be. Perhaps, despite my best efforts of self-analysation, I do not know myself well enough to be able to answer that question. I may not be as alone as I feel... it seems there are many 20-something singles out there who could echo these same ponderings of mine...

I wish a Happy Valentine's Day to all, but especially to those of us who are genuinely lost in the questions. And for those of us who aren't having nice dinners or receiving red roses from a special someone tonight, here's a toast to the awkward moments that define our days...!

The Edge of Greatness

I've only got a few hours left of my 3-day weekend, and I am sad to see it go. Tomorrow I start back into the normal routine of the life I don't enjoy; the 8-5 daily grind of the job I ought to be grateful for, but have somehow lost the strength to be.

It's been a good weekend. I've just done normal weekend stuff, but with an extra day to rest and get my thoughts together. I took a walk this morning, and it snowed a little, and I just feel a sense of... I guess "peace" is too cliche... but I feel like I see life a little more clearly right now. For the first time in awhile I feel okay. And I wish, so much, that I felt this way more often.

I am on a search for a new life right now. I have grown deeply unsatisfied with what I have currently, and I am working to change it in healthy ways. As much as I don't typically like change, I would change almost everything right now if I could. I still like this city and I have great friends, but other than that... new job, new scenery, new attitude, new everything else would be awesome.

I am trying to do my part. I am making efforts to get in shape and go through all my stuff and only take what I really need into the new house. I am about to update my resume and try to find something more suited to me, and hopefully better pay as well. And even though I'm not really looking for someone, I wouldn't mind getting to the point where I at least felt date-able. Right now I feel like such a mess that I wouldn't dare getting someone else involved with me, unless they really knew what they were getting into. But maybe soon, with a little emotional construction work, I could be closer to ready for that relationship...

And God... I definitely do not feel close to God right now. I know all I need to know, but like I am constantly telling a close friend of mine: "It doesn't matter what you know, it's what you actually believe and live that makes the difference when it comes to eternity..." And I am a little mixed up about what I believe right now, if I am being honest with myself.

I told a girlfriend recently that I feel like a piece of artwork that didn't turn out right, and so got stuffed into the back of God's closet. I mean, at least He kept it. But it's not like He hung it on His wall, where it makes Him smile every day...

Of course I know this isn't truth, it is just my fragile attempt to explain my current emotional state and outlook.

I definitely feel stuck, and I definitely don't feel like I'm a valued member of God's kingdom at the moment. The financial strain and lack of creative necessity in my job has finally caught up with me. I am tired of being poor, tired of paying the minimum amount on my debts, tired of being unhappy, and tired of being, or at least feeling, like second place when it comes to God's daughters. I must find a way to change my perspective. I just wish I knew how already.

Someone I deeply respect told me just this weekend that I am not drowning, as I assumed I was, but that I am right on the edge of greatness. When she said it, it brought to memory my brief moments at the Grand Canyon, peering breathless into something infinitely bigger than I, that I wanted so much to be a part of. I picked up a few rocks, but couldn't grasp it all with just my hand, and I wanted the adventure, but knew I could not survive in the belly of it... in reality, I could only drink in with my eyes and lose myself in wonder...

Can it be? Can it really be that this isn't the end at all, that this isn't the part where I stumble, and fall, and never make it back up... but where I learn that there is something more than I have yet imagined? Am I simply staring at the wall in Plato's cave, wearily watching the same old shapes, with no knowledge of the world that is just beyond my sight? Am I about to turn around and discover light for the first time? Or is hope just another heartache waiting to happen...?

And now, another daylight is fading away, and on to another day that is so like so many before it, and yet different, and new. I do not know what to say, so I merely say a prayer, and go to bed, wishing deep down that I would wake up to another reality... and God knows this well. What he does with that desire, I suppose, is completely up to him.

Here's hoping that at what feels like the end of my rope, I find myself on the edge of greatness instead.

New Year's Resolutions

I don't do New Years resolutions. Let's be honest... how often do people actually succeed at them? I guilt myself enough, so setting some unrealistic resolution would only be another recipe for failure in my life.

And yet... a new year brings about a certain thoughtfulness of what we're leaving behind and what we're hoping to head for. I suppose that's why people do it... because we have no other way of expressing the past and future we are faced with. It is like, for one day, the two aspects of time collide and leave us in wonder, with the hope of change.

I have felt stuck, lately, in my own skin and my own little world. I grow restless sometimes and want to just leave everything behind, go somewhere else and try a new life for awhile. Who doesn't, though? I just... fear, and hope, that corporate America isn't the end of the road for me. But what will change that? What could be the difference between me and the people that have been at my job for 10 or more years, still doing the same thing I've done this past year? Not knowing the answer to that question makes me give in to the haunting fears that float through my consciousness. Perhaps I am no different at all. I can't remember, even, what made me think that I was...

I've said that I'm going through a quarter life crisis. Call it what you will, but this year I looked around at my life and said: "This isn't what I really wanted... why is this it??" I thought I was supposed to be a published writer. I thought I was supposed to be married, with kids, or at least well on my way. I thought I was supposed to be making a positive difference in people's lives, being the voice for those who have none. And the desire is certainly still there... the willingness, even... so why am I going to a dead-end job every day, barely making ends meet, where one day bleeds into another, then another... and nothing is ever really accomplished or changed? If I am not who I was, but not yet who I hope to be, then who am I?

Only one year at this job, and it has already taken its toll. I have stopped reading, stopped showing up to places, stopped cleaning my apartment, and stopped looking for miracles. To some degree, I have even stopped hoping for things to change. I know I am falling back into one of my depressions; the curse of the artistic spirit. It happened exactly this time last year as well. It is, perhaps, merely a seasonal thing. I'm sure I could take some pills to numb the questions, or simply wait it out until the sun's warmth and light remind me of truth.

But right now, I am faced with the frightening reality of the question: what's the point? Why should I keep believing things are going to change, or get better, or that somehow I will motivate myself to do something different in the near future? It feels like nothing has changed in a long time. And I'll not try to hide the fact that part of me has simply given up. Not the viewpoint a Christian is supposed to have, I am sure. But I can't even live up to my own standards, so what's to make me think I will ever live up to God's?

I do not feel so sad as I may sound. In reality, I feel only numb and cynical, and like I am disappointing everyone. Perhaps I only ebb and flow with the tide of seasons, and my heart will thaw out as the sun creates longer days and warmer realities. It never fails that, at some point, something touches me from the inside out and I am inspired to a brighter outlook. I think I am about due for one...

The good news for me is that God is a God of details. If he notices the sparrow's fall, then he has noticed my heart sinking, my dreams losing their color, my motivation to stay positive waning. He notices that I am drowning in my own mind's oceans, and that a badly-lit cubicle is no place for the wild creativity of my heart to flourish. He is, no doubt, leading me to higher ground, as he has so many times before. I just have to do my best to see it.

"I lift my eyes to the hills. From whence does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." Psalm 121

Welcome, 2009, and whatever it is that you bring...

In Heavenly Peace

I'm sick of my last post, which was rather whiney, being the latest thing I've put out into the world. Despite my current hardships, this Christmas has been awesome, and I am filled with the knowledge that I am very, very loved and blessed.

Right now I can hear the stomping of little feet among the mess of wrapping paper and newly discovered presents. There is nothing quite like the sound of children's laughter in the other room. A fire burns in front of me, I can smell my sister's lasagna in the oven (another Christmas day tradition), and I am taking a moment to reflect while looking forward to an evening of games and movies and my recently perfected brew of hot chocolate! Life can be a good, good thing sometimes. I am sorry that I got so caught up in the frustrations of life that I couldn't see...

And God... there is no mistaking the hand of God in all of this. Lately I have seen him differently. I have been going back to my old views of god; that impersonal, indifferent god that only cares about whether or not you're "good enough." And I knew I wasn't, so I had been slipping away...

But I forgot about the One who came quietly, in full majesty but without show, born on a regular night in a smelly, dirty, stall in a barn... to live simply, and grow up to sacrifice and save us all. I am frustrated with my lack of skill in expression... perhaps there is no way to say it well. We have grown cold to the story after so many years, it seems. All I know to say is that I feel Him, I know Him from the inside, know that He was, and is risen, and will be there always, and that He has never given up on me, and never will.

I know it today, and there will be many, many other days where I do not know it so specifically as this. But I am content with heavenly peace for the moment...

Merry Christmas, all... and may you know the joy and peace of the real God this year...

Christmas Blues

I can't believe we are less than two weeks from Christmas. I have done little of my shopping and have managed to catch a few songs on the radio, but mostly my days are the same as they've always been, and it just doesn't feel like Christmas for me this year. I hope there is still time to redeem that...

I have been sitting here thinking of Christmases past, and what stands out to me most... I miss my family's odd traditions more than I ever thought I would. I don't have a tree this year. It just wasn't practical, in the midst of paying bills and all, and a couple of people even offered to buy me one, but I turned them down, for whatever reason. I almost wish I hadn't. I could use a little sparkle in my life these days...

I'm hoping to make it up to see Rock City Lights this weekend. Last year, about this time, I was near-dating someone who bought me hot chocolate at my favorite coffee shop and took me up to see the lights, and it was just... nice. Definitely very different from this year. If I can't find anyone to go with in the next few days, I'm going to go myself. I shouldn't miss out on Christmas just because I'm alone again. I never expected it to be this hard, though. I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong, either.

I hate to be all doom and despair, but it's been a rough season for me, especially in the last couple of weeks, and I've never been good at hiding it. I would love to know what my purpose is supposed to be. I would love to know if I'm going anywhere at all. I would love to know... so many things. At what point do we get to know, again?

I feel like I am missing something very important in the midst of all of this surviving. I feel like I am forgetting how to live... and I don't want to miss out. I don't want to miss my youth, or my singleness, or my friendships at work, or getting the full experience of things like Christmas. Its just not me at all to be this way. I am just tired and discouraged, and I would love someone to come along and help me see clearly again. I would love... but no, I'm not there yet, and wishing for something that isn't here will get me nowhere. I just have to turn my focus back around to the present.

At least I wasn't one of the people who got laid off... right before Christmas. That would have been terrible! Even though I don't enjoy my job, I am lucky to have one. And I did get to watch The Grinch last night, and that was of course awesome. I think this year it's more my state of mind than anything else, which means the fault is mine. *sigh* I even got upset this week because I don't think I'm getting a lot for Christmas this year, and that's just stupid. Its not about stuff, and I know it. What's wrong with me lately, I wonder?

I am severely unsatisfied with this post. I'm pretty sure no one cares about my mental meanderings in a difficult December. But I guess the point is that I want to be real, and the reality is that I'm struggling a bit this year. Is it bad that I'll be glad when Christmas is over this year? I don't think I've ever had that thought in my life! I am truly hoping this is just a phase I will outgrow very quickly...

Let's leave on a happier note, shall we:

"And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more..."

~Dr. Seuss

I love Dr Seuss!! =]