Writer's Block

Typically, when I have a billion things on my mind, it helps to write about them. Lately, though, for some reason, I've sat down to write and there's nothing. No inspiration whatsoever. I'm not exactly sure why.

All I know is that I need some time away from the routine of my life. I have been frustrated and tired and working overtime, and I just need it all to stop for a few days.

So this weekend I am going on a single's retreat with my church, and I know that somewhere underneath all of this exhaustion, I am excited. I was yawning as I typed that, however...

Wish me luck, say a prayer for me, and let's hope the writing comes back when I do!

Thanks for reading. :)

Welcome To Joanna!

While on vacation, inspired by two of my closest friends, I started writing a list of things I want to do in the next few years of my life. And the best part is, the more I come up with, the more I get excited about living these next years!

Here's a classic example: On our way back through South Carolina, heading to Tennessee, I spotted a sign for the town of Joanna, and casually mentioned that I've always thought it would be funny to stop there and take pictures in front of the various signs of my namesake town.

I have become so accustomed, in my lifetime, to thinking and talking about my desires and then going on about my average day without doing anything about them, that I was shocked when my friend immediately, and without question, took the exit.

My heart was pounding. We were really going to go! I have been passing that exit for over a decade now, every time reading the sign, laughing to myself, and wanting to stop and take pictures. And suddenly, there we were, digging for a camera in the back seat of her car outside the not-so-classy-looking Joanna Dollar! It was fantastic.

We were then on a hunt for something truly sketchy, like a Joanna Body Shop or a massage parlor or something, and our efforts were highly rewarded upon the discovery of the Joanna Men's Club. Jackpot!

Needless to say, one of my new favorite photographs includes me standing blissfully before a huge sign that reads: Welcome to Joanna!

Welcome, indeed. It is my new tag line for life. I am becoming convinced that my life need not be mediocre and dull, simply because my job is boring and I am financially forced to live simply for awhile. Life was meant for living, and living well. There is truly an abundant life right before my eyes, if only I am willing to reach out and grab it!

So here are a few of the ways I will be attempting to live my life a little better in the coming years. A few of them have recently been checked off, but I'm including them anyway as a reminder that these things can be achieved if I put my mind to them. This, of course, is not a comprehensive list, because of the personal nature of some of my desired accomplishments, however it should give you an idea of the fun I will be having very shortly. Feel free to join me, or just mooch off my list, if any of these sound appealing :)

I have always wanted to...

* Stop in Joanna, South Carolina, and take pictures! (check!!)

* Fly to London for the day; see a few sights, catch a play, grab a meal in a pub, and come home.

* Be kissed in a Starbucks (No joke. Long story...) (check!! 04/13/11).

* Take dance lessons (check!! 05/12/09).

* Grow sunflowers (they're my favorite).

* Have an indoor cat (check!!)

* Learn how to sculpt.

* Get published! (Hallelujah! 09/10/08! Check it out: http://www.goodfortunesoap.blogspot.com/)

* Hug a koala bear.

* Try snowboarding.

* Become debt-free (sigh).

* See a life transformed.

* Spend an entire night on the beach.

* Live on my own (check!!)

* Paint a mural on a wall.

* Have my own Christmas tree! (this is gonna be the year...)

* Hike across New Zealand.

* Teach a child to read.

* Be completely and totally spoiled on a date (sadly, I have absolutely no control over whether or not this ever happens) (check :) 2011)

* Go skinnydipping (Lol! Even my Grandmother has done this and I still haven't!!!)

* Buy a brown suede couch (CHECK!!! 05/18/09).

* Learn how to cook. Well. (check! 2011)

* Swim with dolphins.

* Write and illustrate a children's book.

* Inspire someone to write a song about/for me. (CHECK!! 08/10/08. Thanks bro!! There's always room for one more, though...)

* Karaoke in public (my brother's condo, sadly, does not count, or this would be a check!)

* Read every Shakespeare play.

* Return to the Grand Canyon, and stay for several days this time instead of 20 minutes.

* Go to a Weezer concert!

* See a white Christmas (I think I stole this from someone, but I can't remember who. Thanks for the idea, whoever you are!!) (check 12/25/10... beautiful!! :))

* Memorize the constellations and the stories behind them. (Bought a Starfinder w/ constellation legends on 08/07/08!!)

* Love someone who doesn't deserve it (Beauty and the Beast is such a good story!).

* Attempt surfing while in Hawaii.

* Try "moonshine." (check! 2010)

* Fly first class!

* Kiss a guy who had no idea I was going to kiss him (I realize this could backfire horribly...) (Check! 2011)

* Play the slot machines in Vegas (betting on that beginner's luck...)

* Smoke a cigar (check!! 08/17/08).

* Have that conversation with my Dad.

* Take up charcoal and chalk pastels again (I used to be pretty good).

* Watch the sun rise and set over the ocean in the same day.

* Find my happy ending...


... and that's just the beginning! Come back in a day or two, and I'll have added more! :)

Post your favorite "I have always wanted to...'s" in the comments box!
Happy living!!!

Segue To the Real World

So, I am back from my vacation, and back to what we dare to call "the real world." (I, of course, don't believe it for a second! But there's no point in arguing that right now.)

I spent almost the entire day of this last day "off" running errands, and cleaning, and general preparing for the daily grind to start back up. I have found, since living on my own, that coming home from work isn't so bad if you don't have to come home to a horribly messy place. So I've spent the last three hours cleaning, and I happened to make some decent progress! It's certainly not perfect, but I wouldn't be quite so embarrassed to have someone stop by unexpectedly anymore. It does happen on a rare occasion. I wish it happened more often, however. Especially when I can impress them with my cleanishness! :)

And so... twenty-six, so far, has not been so bad. In fact, my new perspective and brighter outlook on the year to come has made these days rather nice. It is amazing what a twinge of hope will do for the soul. But now I'm starting to sound like some lame Spiritual self-help book, so I must stop immediately for fear of losing my own dinner!

Tomorrow I'll be back to work, and that will be challenging and fun all at the same time. I think I have settled into this season pretty well. I am curious to see the changes that God will inevitably be bringing my way soon. I am actually shocked that things have been so... normal... for so long. Stability is so unfamiliar to me that it sometimes makes me uncomfortable.

Speaking of tomorrow, I've still got stuff I need to do before heading to bed. And I really need to get some good sleep tonight. Farewell!

Bob Marley at the Beach

I highly recommend spending your birthday at the beach. I'm having a blast!

Yesterday, after waking up, we went to the Isle of Palms and just walked for miles. I feel so blessed just to be here, taking in the many sensations of sand beneath my toes and cool, salty water rushing around my ankles; the wind giving my hair that clumpy "beach look" that I like to pretend looks sexy, and not just unwashed.

And today I know that God is good.

I have always been in love with the ocean. My deeply romantic heart doesn't stand a chance against it's depth of beauty and mystery. No matter how cynical or sad I have become before I reach the shore, as soon as I stand before the rolling sea again, the stony walls around my heart have crumbled, and I am left in vulnerable awe.

So I will let the ocean work its magic in me, renewing me and washing the callouses off my heart again, leaving me empty and thirsty for more of God's beauty. I will search for buried treasure in the sand, and emerge with a heart intent on believing again... perhaps the greatest treasure to be found.

Another year older, but with a fresh perspective to face the coming challenges. And deep in my heart, I feel like this is going to be a good year. In fact, I know it will be.

Driving back from our day at the beach, we put in a Bob Marley CD... perfect timing and a perfect fit for the moment. And for the first time in months, I was completely and utterly content with my life.

As Bob said: "I'm happy inside, all of de time... 'feel like a sweepstakes winna..." =]

Here's to twenty-six!

Dissection of a Mustard Seed

Risk is by far my least favorite board game. In fact, I became so upset the first time I played, that I have never attempted to play again. No exaggeration. There are still memories of a college Christmas break darkened by the devastation of my entire elf army when one of us received a Lord of the Rings themed Risk game from Santa. I do not believe I am one to hold a grudge under normal circumstances, but in this case I still feel a twinge of leftover frustration at the very thought...

And so goes my life. I hate the rolling of the die, not knowing what you will get when it comes to that inevitable and influential stop. For many, many years, like so many others, I had decided that I would be better off not playing, than to take the risk... and lose.

Although I would consider myself a bit of a social butterfly, I tend to be quite chameleon-like, becoming an awkward observer or a wallflower with little or no notice. For example, I am in my element at any social function, standing in the midst of it all but focusing on one or two people, having a deep discussion about past, present, and future life struggles and hopes. But then someone will decide that we're all going to play some game, or turn some music on and start to dance, and immediately I will find an inconspicuous corner from which to cower, hoping no one will force me to bring out the head or stomach ache excuse in order to avoid actually participating in said activity.

I have often made jokes in these situations that blame my social awkwardness on homeschooling. But I can no longer hide behind the overused stereotype, which is really only half-truth anyway. The real truth is that I am utterly terrified of risk-taking in most forms. I am not afraid of funky fashions, ridiculous socks, putting my foot in my mouth, or speaking even the most embarrassing truths aloud. I am not even afraid of snakes. But I am a coward in every sense of the word when it comes to taking risks with life decisions.

I told my brother recently, in a brief online chatting session, that my baggage cart was full when I first received it (parental dysfunction being the common cold of the family unit these days), so why would I want to risk adding more to the already heaping piles by my own choice? That just doesn't make sense. But the truth is that life without risk is impossible, if you desire to have any kind of life at all. And what is faith, really, but risk on a Supernatural level?

The Bible is actually quite encouraging on this matter. Loosely translated, if your faith is as big as a mustard seed, it says, you will say to this mountain, "move" and the mountain shall tumble. Just think about that for a minute...

I have a close friend who does not believe that God is personal, or interested in our daily struggles, delights, or the mountains we face. Supposedly He created us, set us down here, and has taken a "hands off" approach ever since. Though he is dear to me, I am certain that my friend is terribly wrong. Have you ever actually seen a mustard seed? Any God who knew to use a mustard seed to describe the kind of faith I possess must know me intimately. And despite the intensity of my fears, I have been known to move a mountain or two with my wee little mustard seeds of faith.

I believe this goes hand-in-hand with the short verse hidden in the Psalms that says: "Be still, and know that I am God." It is one of my favorites. I grew up in the kind of church where it was all about performance; what you did or didn't do, and you were always trying, trying, trying to grow as a Christian and be a Christian, and all that mattered was what you did for God... it makes me feel infinitely tired just to write about it.

I am doomed to failure without grace, because there are months (as you know by now if you're a regular reader) where I can barely remember to pay my bills, and get my 40 hour work week in, and leave my apartment somewhat presentable in the morning. Add the pressure of saving souls or being perfectly sinless to that list, and I may as well go on to heaven now before I add any more disastrous failures to it. The truth surely does set you free, for I am blessed by the knowledge that such a list is nonexistent.

I love this, though... another translation of the same verse reads: "Cease striving, and know God." Though simple, it is one of the most difficult truths I have to accept. I have lived enough, and failed enough, and cried enough, and run back to God enough in the last couple of months that I am ready to give up. In a good way. I am ready to give up me getting in the way of what God is doing. I am ready to cease striving... and find God there.

And that is one of the scariest risks I know to take. But I suppose I might have about a mustard seed sized faith left, so I may as well turn and face the mountain...

I am finding, though it has proven to be a frighteningly treacherous path, that each new step of faith, each risk, grows another seed and reveals a higher mountain. What are we to do, but take the next step in the direction of the towering peak, and with our small measure of faith, simply utter the word "move"?

The Fine Art of Procrastination

Some people do not realize that procrastination is an art form. If you are one of those people (usually A types), go ahead and get back to whatever the heck you really need to be doing. I can guarantee you that all of this is just a waste of time. For those of you who welcome a good waste of time, please... read on! :)

I spent the entire day Saturday procrastinating. It was fantastic. I had not realized my procrastinistic maturity, however, until it was about 5:30, and not only had I not accomplished anything I had intended to, but I was simultaneously going to be late for hanging out with my friends. Awesome. I am more skilled than I had realized. It's bad when you can't even make yourself do things you want to do!

Wikipedia says this: "Procrastination is a type of behavior which is characterized by deferment of actions or tasks to a later time. Psychologists often cite procrastination as a mechanism for coping with the anxiety associated with starting or completing any task or decision."

Yeshh. I must agree. The anxiety associated with cleaning and rearranging my entire apartment before Thursday has proven itself to be one tough beast. It is now Sunday, and I am still hard at work, doing anything I can possibly do... except clean.

Here's what I did accomplish throughout the day:


Saturday morning, 9:00am: Called my mother.


10:30ish: Started to unload the dishwasher (I say "started," because the first item taken out happened to be a bowl, making me realize I was hungry).


10:32: Abandoned worthy task for a bowl of cereal. Left freshly used bowl with the other dishes in the sink, therefore creating more work for myself for later. *sigh*


11:ooish: Scooped the cat litter (no matter how much anxiety I have about anything, this is a neccessary course of action for obvious reasons).


11:15: Called my sister to hear about her trip to Disney.


12:30: Wandered into my bedroom and thought about hanging up my clothes. Noticed that the dimples in the rubber handle of my hammer had gunk in them. Got gunk out using a metal nail file (I was getting desperate by this point).


1:00ish: Called my other sister.


1:30: Repainted my toenails.


1:40: Sorted through some of my old makeup. Decided to try it out.


2:00ish: Looked up the word "procrastination" on Wikipedia and decided to blog about it... :)

2:30 - 5:30: While online, I remembered an old online cartoon that used to be one of my favorite forms of procrastination in college. Went to http://www.homestarrunner.com/ where I spent nearly 3 hours doing nothing but amuse myself by reading SBmails. Good stuff.

So you get the picture. Of course I accomplished many more meaningless tasks, such as showering, putting on clothing, and probably all kinds of other things that I've forgotten by now, but this is just a general overview. If only I could turn this talent of mine into some sort of career...

I would end up a rich, rich woman! :) And I could also introduce myself as an Artistic Procrastinator, which would just be awesome. I could have weekly workshops, where on-task, A type people could get help and learn how to spend an entire day doing absolutely nothing of value...

Now I've got my imaginative wheels turning. I think I'm going to go make myself a cup of coffee and get to another day of preventing myself from cleaning...

Coffee Grounds and Cat Litter

Don't judge me. I have never claimed to have my life together. But I can honestly say that I am doing the best I can...

It all started on the way to work this morning. I was supposed to stop by the trash compactor and throw my trash out. Seems simple enough. One would think. But I forgot. I have been forgetting all kinds of things lately. I haven't quite reached the fearful "turning into my mother" stage, but I am coming dangerously close. Which reminds me... I think my electric bill is due on the 23rd... which was yesterday...

So anyway, I accidentally left my bag of trash in my car. All day. In the heat. So after a long and somewhat stressful day at work, I re-entered my vehicle to the overwhelming smell of stale coffee grounds... and cat litter. Let me just tell you, ladies and gentlemen, do not try this at home.

It is times like these that I wonder very seriously where my life is going.

Needless to say, I've been trying to set some realistic goals. And I do mean realistic. I am finally convincing myself to get my head out of the clouds and accept some things. Not to say that I'm selling out on my dreams. But by now I am certain that I will never have all of the things I want, so it is reasonable to take a good long look at what I am capable of achieving, and shoot for something attainable in the near future.

I decided just a few weeks ago that I want to get something published in the next year, and that's what I'm going to be putting my off-the-clock efforts into. What a scary, scary thought. And yet, it is something I have wanted for nearly two decades, and doesn't really depend on anyone but me; unlike most of my other dreams, which either require a rich husband or the winning of a large sum of money. :)

Watch out, world. I'm finally stepping outside the box...