Christmas Blues

I can't believe we are less than two weeks from Christmas. I have done little of my shopping and have managed to catch a few songs on the radio, but mostly my days are the same as they've always been, and it just doesn't feel like Christmas for me this year. I hope there is still time to redeem that...

I have been sitting here thinking of Christmases past, and what stands out to me most... I miss my family's odd traditions more than I ever thought I would. I don't have a tree this year. It just wasn't practical, in the midst of paying bills and all, and a couple of people even offered to buy me one, but I turned them down, for whatever reason. I almost wish I hadn't. I could use a little sparkle in my life these days...

I'm hoping to make it up to see Rock City Lights this weekend. Last year, about this time, I was near-dating someone who bought me hot chocolate at my favorite coffee shop and took me up to see the lights, and it was just... nice. Definitely very different from this year. If I can't find anyone to go with in the next few days, I'm going to go myself. I shouldn't miss out on Christmas just because I'm alone again. I never expected it to be this hard, though. I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong, either.

I hate to be all doom and despair, but it's been a rough season for me, especially in the last couple of weeks, and I've never been good at hiding it. I would love to know what my purpose is supposed to be. I would love to know if I'm going anywhere at all. I would love to know... so many things. At what point do we get to know, again?

I feel like I am missing something very important in the midst of all of this surviving. I feel like I am forgetting how to live... and I don't want to miss out. I don't want to miss my youth, or my singleness, or my friendships at work, or getting the full experience of things like Christmas. Its just not me at all to be this way. I am just tired and discouraged, and I would love someone to come along and help me see clearly again. I would love... but no, I'm not there yet, and wishing for something that isn't here will get me nowhere. I just have to turn my focus back around to the present.

At least I wasn't one of the people who got laid off... right before Christmas. That would have been terrible! Even though I don't enjoy my job, I am lucky to have one. And I did get to watch The Grinch last night, and that was of course awesome. I think this year it's more my state of mind than anything else, which means the fault is mine. *sigh* I even got upset this week because I don't think I'm getting a lot for Christmas this year, and that's just stupid. Its not about stuff, and I know it. What's wrong with me lately, I wonder?

I am severely unsatisfied with this post. I'm pretty sure no one cares about my mental meanderings in a difficult December. But I guess the point is that I want to be real, and the reality is that I'm struggling a bit this year. Is it bad that I'll be glad when Christmas is over this year? I don't think I've ever had that thought in my life! I am truly hoping this is just a phase I will outgrow very quickly...

Let's leave on a happier note, shall we:

"And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more..."

~Dr. Seuss

I love Dr Seuss!! =]

To Lose and to Seek

To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal ...
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance ...
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to lose and a time to seek;
a time to rend and a time to sew;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I have had a solitary morning, waking early and having no plans until late afternoon. Have you ever found yourself alone, and realized you're someone you're uncomfortable being with? I guess, despite living on my own, I don't spend enough time with just me, because I'm discovering that I still don't know myself as well as I would like to.

It is ironic, really. I work all week wishing I were home, and here I finally have time to myself, hours of it even, and I have no idea what to do. I flee to the refuge of writing, because it is the only well I have drawn from that has not, at some point, come up dry. And that is only because I believe it to be a gift to me from the direct and purposeful hand of God. But how exactly I am to use it, I still do not know. I have alway believed those answers would reveal themselves in time, and now I secretly wonder if time is just going to waste...

Winter has been making itself abundantly clear, like that person at the party who feels they need more attention. No matter how high I turn up the heat I am still chilled to the core, so I've taken to wearing hoodies inside and saving on my electric bill. Not exactly my idea of a good time. The only good thing about the cold is that it makes a hot cup of coffee that much better, for it is suddenly both delicious as well as functional. I have found that I love something more, and am so much more satisfied, when I am filled up after need instead of just desire. Perhaps that is why God has been allowing me to need so much lately. If I ever make it to a season of filling, I will be that much more appreciative of the change.

So where do I go from here? I am back to having to make the big decisions, and choose the course of my life as best I can. People are getting laid off at work, and there is talk of the jobs that are left being outsourced to India. My lease is up after Christmas, and there is that little voice inside that I had effectively silenced for a year, making an unwelcome return: "You know... you could just go..."

I could, perhaps. But lets not be ridiculous. Go where? Even if I could get a nanny job somewhere far away, the economy is bad, and jobs are scarce, and who knows if I would be any happier somewhere else? But does that mean I should stay in an uncertain work environment that I do not enjoy, sign another year lease on an apartment that is functional, but not home? Does staying where I am automatically mean stagnant existence? Or does God have something just around the corner, if I can just endure this for a little bit longer...?

I don't know. Am I supposed to know? Because I rarely ever know. Sometimes I think I'm lousy at faith. Its not that I don't have enough, but that I believe in the wrong things, the wrong people or circumstances. If my life were not redeemed, and surrendered to the Holy God and to discovering his plan for me, I would be doing things completely differently. I know that for sure. I can't say for sure that I would be any happier, but I would definitely not keep waiting on dating someone... I get so sick of being alone, day after day after day. But I know married individuals who still have lonely days, so I'm trying to just be faithful to the season of singleness that I seem to have been handed. But I'm not even going to try to pretend that it doesn't tear me apart sometimes.

But... when it all comes down to it, I'd rather endure people's questions, and funny looks, and misunderstanding, and do what I know in my heart to be right, than to "conform to the world" as they say, and have to live my life disappointed in myself, always wondering what could have been if I had waited just a bit more.

I know that I may not end up with a great guy at the end of all this waiting. I may just end up with a lot of questions and a house full of cats. But at least I won't end up selling out on my dreams, trying to navigate life with a guy who isn't in tune with the spiritual side of me, because that is where I find my creativity, where I am renewed, where I find the strength to forgive and love despite how I feel. I would live only a half-life if I were to be denied intimacy on that level. And I have worked so hard for so long to be whole again.

I honestly don't see how people do relationships without God. I just don't see how it would be possible. Even with God, I fight with my selfishness and baggage and messed up perspective. Who I would be without Him, I don't even want to know.

I don't really know how to wrap this up. My heart is confused, and a little lonely and lost. Have I done the right thing, in living my life the way I have? I would love a little Supernatural reassurance right now...

Chasing Rainbows

There is no metaphor here. I literally chased a rainbow last weekend, and caught a few moments of magic in the process. I needed it, too. I desperately needed a chance to believe again; a glimpse of the impossible made possible. These are difficult times for many.

God is good, but sometimes very hard to see when your eyes have been clouded by the pain of this world.

It was a cloudy day, and had rained earlier. I was in the car with a group of friends, heading down a mile of memories, just laughing and enjoying the simplicity of a day off with good company and conversation. All of a sudden someone said: "Look! Look outside at the rainbow!!" and I caught my breath in sheer wonder at the sight. I have never seen one so close or so clear before. It was right before our eyes, and close enough that we could... almost... see the end of it.

No one really knew what to do. It felt shockingly out of place in the midst of our crazy, busy, stressful lives. I made a joke about using the pot of gold to pay off my loans and go back to London. But really there were no words for it, and deep in my soul, something that had been restless was quieted again, and a little of the veil was lifted off my eyes for awhile.

I am amazed at how easy it is to lose sight of things; to get caught up in the daily grind, the fear of layoffs at work, paying the next bill, and wondering when a lasting relationship will find you, or if that even happens anymore. It is easy to forget about simple beauty, and the basic need we have to believe beyond what we can see, and the thrill of that which is out of reach of our understanding and control. In this moment I am grateful to have the privelege of knowing an infinite God, who does not give me everything I want, but has complete knowledge of what I truly need.

People often tell me that I over analyze things. I am still pondering the rainbow, wondering what it meant and how I can teach myself to believe again. I am still hoping for a better life, not just more money and more stuff, but how to live in contentment and joy despite my circumstances, how to bring the light of hope into people's lives, how to write something compelling and relevant to this new generation... if I am ever able to do so.

Upon brief examination of my 26 years of existence, I can honestly say that I have always been chasing rainbows. There is some part of me that, no matter how bad things have gotten, has managed to keep believing beyond the dark shadow of reason or practicality or "reality." No matter how many bad choices I make, God seems to have chosen to protect and preserve that heart in me... I just do not know to what end.

I wonder when, if ever, it will be made known to me what my purpose is? Is there any point to all of this? There must be. I know there must be. But I just cannot see it yet. I suppose I should just keep praying for direction and trying to make good decisions and looking for the rainbows along the way.

Is it too much to ask for a companion though? Is it wrong of me to desire such things? The road gets so hard sometimes. And chasing rainbows alone is only half as fun, I am guessing, as sharing the experience with someone who also sees what cannot be seen at first glance.

But... that is not what I have been given for this season. So I guess I just keep on keeping on for now. Wish me luck on the way to finding that pot of gold. You never know when my day might come, at last.

Weary Days

The days have grown cold and crisp, the leaves have all turned into radiance, and are letting go, one by one, to the playful breeze. I have begun to just bundle up, grab my coffee to go, and frequently forget to stop and take a deep breath.

The sun is just coming up when I leave for work, and setting as soon as I get off. I miss daylight in the evenings and sunshine on my skin, and layering tank tops. Yet Autumn and Winter are just a different perspective on beauty. I will also miss them when they go.

Lately I have felt like I have lost my way. You know that instant you realize that you are honestly and truly lost and don't know how to find your way back to something familiar? I don't know how to find my way back. But maybe I'm not supposed to find something familiar. Maybe I am supposed to take another risk and step out into something new.

It is terrifyingly obvious to me that this season of my life is coming to an end. I'm not ready for it to end. But I, like the leaves, seem to have no say in when the letting go happens. I just hope I find a safe place to crash before long...

The restlessness is stirring up in me again, and I just stand here in practical helplessness, because there are bills to pay, and a lonely gray cubicle I have to fill in order to pay them. I have a lot of dreams, but I have already begun to see them fading, already felt the inevitable cynicism taking over the timid optimist in me. Perhaps I need a good fiction novel to help me keep my head on straight.

I am surrounded by people at work who are in the same boat I am in. Am I not the one that's supposed to be showing them how to live this well because I have been redeemed? Instead I have blended in with the crowd and taken to just surviving every day, as if I have not been filled with a spirit of hope, or tasted living waters.

Once again, I have no answers, merely observations. Tomorrow is just another passing day on the calendar. Or would be, without God. And I just don't feel Him very close tonight. I am weary of working, and weary of dreaming, and weary of disappointment and mistakes. I am weary of myself tonight.

But maybe He knows things that I don't know just yet. So I will try to get up in the morning and believe...

Ponderings of a Ragamuffin

I can't tell you how many incomplete posts I have sitting under my "Edit Posts" tab. I'll start them, get distracted, plan on coming back and finishing them, and then I never come back and finish them. I have found myself in a very frustrating season of incompleteness. The half-full aspect of my life has become very apparent to me, and I am at a loss as to how to fill it up again.

Of course I know the Sunday school answers. And there is some validity to those. But isn't there something practical I can do as well? Or is pursuing and trusting God the only thing that will make the gaps in my world start to shrink?

I am speaking generally on purpose, because I am too chicken to talk about what is bothering me specifically. But basically, I just feel empty, or half-filled, or unfinished, or all of the above. There is a little part of me that even feels short-changed, though admitting that is scary, because the truth is that I am blessed and I know it, or ought to, and don't want what I have to disappear on account of my ungratefulness. But maybe God doesn't work that way, and that's just my legalistic background talking.

I have found that there is a type of unfilled that keeps us running to God for filling, and that is the good kind. And then there is the kind that I have recently identified in myself, that is just a source of pain and frustration, and drives me to cope instead of live. And I hate that with a deep and mighty passion.

I've surprised myself with the way I have handled people and situations in my life lately. I am not entirely comfortable with how my stress and sadness has been effecting those around me, or how my response to said stress is reflecting Christ. I do not feel like I am a very good witness right now. And I'm not doing anything particularly bad, but neither am I doing any particular good, and that in and of itself is probably bad.

I am truly overwhelmed, and deep-down sad, and incapable, perhaps, of being a help instead of a hindrance to the people I care about. I want very much to be successful, and make good decisions, and bring light and joy into people's lives. Instead I have been angry, disgruntled, and even leaning towards bitter, depending on the day and the person I am dealing with. I know I probably just need more time with God and a clean apartment and more sleep, and that would most likely cure the majority of my problems. But none of that is as easy as I would like it to be. And why do I expect life to be easy anyway??

I'd like to do a study (and by that I mean I'd like someone else to do a study) on how many times the Bible says "take heart" or "be encouraged" or "do not fear" because I'm pretty sure it says it a lot. And the truth is that that's because Jesus didn't come to make perfect people more perfect, but came for people like me, ridiculous and sinful and wallowing in self-pity, desperate for salvation, desiring to be filled, and needing to be made new again.

We are ragamuffins, all of us. There is just too much of me and not enough of Him hiding underneath this skin of mine. I have grown weary of myself, and I am the one person I can never get away from. It is abundantly clear to me that I need something other than myself, my stuff, and even my friends in order to find serenity, joy, and strength for each new day.

How is it that something can be so crystal clear and so difficult to change at the same time? It is as if I can see straight to the bottom of an infinitely clear pool, but I stand stupidly on the shore with the knowledge that I cannot swim, and therefore cannot attain the prize at the bottom.

I don't know that I have any answers tonight. I may have just needed to confess my abundant weakness as a cry for help or comfort in a dry and weary season. Perhaps I am currently wandering in the desert, and the promised land does exist, but I haven't quite made it there yet. My downfall is often that I assume if it's not here it's not anywhere, and that is a false assumption.

If it is true that I am in a desert season, then I can say for sure that I hate the desert. Is it arrogant of me to say that I hope God knows what He's doing? Because I really hope God knows what He's doing with me right now. I am not sure that I would lead me down this road this soon. I am not certain that I'm going to make it through to the other side. But maybe that's the point.

I only hope that the blessing I long for is close, and worth the pain of waiting in the end.

Come quickly, Lord.

What's in a Name

I haven't written in a long time, and that's been tough for me. I can feel everything pent up inside, begging me for an outlet. I just haven't slowed down long enough to get my thoughts in order. And a lot of people have suggested I get a part time job right now to help with finances. That would be great, if there were an extra me running around somewhere. But I have a hard time getting everything accomplished as it is. I can't imagine adding another unbreakable obligation to the schedule!

So maybe I will write about nothing of importance, but simply write to be back in the habit of writing. There was a time when I wrote every single day. I have a shelf full of journals to prove it. But now I work a full time job, and its amazing how time flies, and stress drives you to be someone you never thought you would face in the mirror every morning.

I have discovered this year that I am not who I thought I was, and capable of just about any evil known to man. I am a disappointment even to myself. But my name, Joanna, means "God is gracious" and I believe it. It is that grace that I cling to every time I awaken to curse my alarm clock, every time I lose my temper with a co-worker, every time I cry myself to sleep over unlived dreams and financial hardship and brokenhearted friends.

All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well...

This is a season of harvest, or is supposed to be. I love Autumn, and I have not yet immersed myself in the beauty of it, allowing myself to be refreshed by the mystery of the season. I have not gone on one hike, nor taken the time (and gas money) for my favorite drive through the mountains. On occasion, I grab a pumpkin spiced latte in the drive-thru before work, or burn an apple pie candle in the half-hour I am actually in my apartment before bed, but mostly I find I just keep pushing myself more and more, and now October is already coming to an end. And nearly every weekend in November is full already, in some manner or another, and then December, with all of its chaos.

But I have not given up on the promise of this season, or of new hope in the midst of the turmoil of my current state of living. God can do anything, His grace enough for my every mistake and even purposeful sinning. There is no end to it. His mercies are new every morning. I discovered them just today, when there was a system glitch at work and my production, which I had been so worried about, nearly doubled, which bought me time to work through some of the harder things that had been just sitting around, also stressing me out. Coincidence? When I had just prayed about it all this very morning? You tell me.

I don't really even know what to say, other than I have not yet given up. There is always, always, always hope. No matter how quickly life seems to be going by, or where I thought I would be when I was 26, or what's going to happen to this country I call home, God is gracious, and all will be well. In that I hold firm.

Tomorrow is a new day, and one I intend to live a little more consciously than today. If people see nothing else in my life, I hope that they see God's abundant grace to a sinner such as I.

And I'm finally going to get to bed early tonight! =]

I Wonder Sometimes About the Outcome...

If there is any way possible, I am going to bed early tonight, because I have not slept nearly enough in the past couple of weeks to be capable of handling the basic issues of life. I know that much for sure. If only there was a job where I got paid to sleep at least 40 hours a week... with mandatory overtime! I don't think I would ever be unemployed again.

My life seems to be out of my control at the moment. And that's fine. That will have to be fine with me, because if I know God, I may as well let go now and save myself the trouble of skinned knees...

There are a billion other things I am supposed to be doing right now. I can't seem to motivate myself to do any of them, and I still haven't figured out why. One thing I know for sure is that I'm glad I'm not dating anyone right now. I can barely keep track of what's going on with me and my kitten, much less anything outside of my little apartment. I'm pretty sure I'd be the meanest girlfriend ever in this stage of life.

I keep joking with people about how I'm having a quarter-life crisis. You know it's bad when your life starts feeling like a John Mayer song. It's just that most of the things I thought I wanted in life, even things that I've wanted my entire life so far, I have recently discovered I may not want anymore. Living alone has allowed me to take a good, long, honest look at who I am, and explore who I might hope to be. And what I've found isn't at all what I expected to find...

One thing that really scares me is that I am much older in years than I am in life experience. Someone recently pointed out to me that I'm closer to thirty now than twenty. And I'm sure that's significant somehow, but honestly I know what I've been through and I know that I've really just started my life, and there's nothing I can do now about the past. I'm sick of trying to catch up, and I think I'm in the process of learning how to just stop trying.

It seems I have finally learned that there is a line between giving up and letting go that I had never taken notice of before.

I think I may be searching for direction once again. I keep threatening to reinvent myself, complete with hair dye, funky glasses, and dressing even weirder than I already do. I think I've proclaimed to everyone and their mother that I'm definitely not into dating right now. And I'm pretty sure that anyone paying any kind of attention knows that I rely daily and heavily on the sure grace of God...

But what am I supposed to be doing? Where am I supposed to be going? Who am I supposed to be? Is there something I was supposed to have done by now? They are age-old questions with no definitive answers.

This is definitely an interesting and unexpected season. I am curious to see who comes out at the end of it.

I guess you could say that: "I wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdict-less life."