Stream of Unconscious

People Watching

2011-04-25T18:54:00.011-04:00

After a long and particularly trying day at work, I knew that hitting the track would be the only healthy cure for my cynical lethargy, so I laced up my running shoes and headed out the door. Today was beautiful, in the lower 80's, with just enough cloud cover and breeze to keep the heat discomfort away.

I would say that running or walking is the best thing I know for clearing my head, but in all honesty, people watching helps me just as much, if not more. Today was no exception.

The first person I met on the track was a guy in his early 20's, his music up too loud (what's the point of headphones if I can still hear your music? Does that thought make me old??), and wearing a worn-out, holey, battered old T-shirt upon which he had magic markered: "100% recycled material." Right then, I knew this was not just a run, it was an adventure.

Not long after Recycle Boy, several people with tiny little dogs came to meander and enjoy the weather. I am what you would most definitely call a Cat Person, so although I love dearly a lot of Tiny Little Dog People, I cannot say that I will ever understand them. Night and day difference, is all I'm saying. (Side note) One thing I have learned: if you're trying to set a decent pace or get lost in your own thoughts, beware Tiny Little Dog People. If you make eye contact, or pretend not to be annoyed by their dogs taking too much interest in your ankles, they will talk to you! You have been warned.

Then came some girls I did my best to ignore, already fit and tan and young enough to not have to be out there running, but running nonetheless. I have to squash the urge to become Mean Girl, if only in my head. I suppose I was one of them, once, but had no awareness of it at the time. Truth be told, their presence probably makes me push myself a little harder than I would have before. I guess you can put a positive spin on just about anything. I do, however, secretly wish we could segregate certain spots for moderately attractive, pudgy people to work out in, where the Hot Gym People would be denied access. But I digress.

Last but certainly not least came a white-haired man who looked eerily like Dick Van Dyke, and kept grinning at me in a manner that was not entirely gentlemanly. Maybe it's just the writer in me, but when Dick Van Dyke starts checking you out, it's difficult not to begin pondering the ways of the world, and wondering whatever your purpose in it might be...

I didn't solve all of life's mysteries at the track, but I at least got to let go of the day and amuse myself wondering about all the folks I passed along the way, which in turn got my creative side going. On the way back to my car, I noticed one of the Already Hot Girls had entrusted her keys and water to a small patch of grass, and I was lost in a daydream involving grand theft auto as I started up my cranky old Honda and headed home.

I think life is full of adventure if you know how to look for it. I can find it in the everyday, running in circles, whether literal or figurative. A good dose of people watching, a run, a new book, a hearty meal, catching up with a friend... these things can help to balance out a bad day.

Here's hoping tomorrow's a better one, or at least, that the people watching will be good! If all else fails, I can always go to Wal-mart...

Winter Musings

2010-12-12T16:48:00.005-05:00

Snowfall always makes me dream...

The first snow of the year, pure and beautiful outside my window. I feel blessed to be warm and cozy inside, to have food in my fridge, a fuzzy blanket around my legs. I feel blessed to have these moments alone to think and wonder.

I feel stirred and strange, as if I am growing out of my own skin, as if soon I will need to shed it and become someone new.

Winter affects me this way every year, for certain. I feel restless, and weary of my everyday. I am exhausted from living without the magic. I fear the mediocre, methodical rhythm of my days... years passing, unremarkable. Of living only half-heartedly, until desire is dead.

And yet it is never really dead, is it? Only buried alive. And now it stirs again, as something broken yet alive, or struggling for life. Do I have the heart to push it down again, heaping dirt on infant dreams that never had a chance to be? Do I call it unreasonable, unlikely, snuff it out before it sparks a ruinous blaze?

Dare I even desire?

Can it be so simple as chasing your desire? I have always wanted to travel, and write, and drink deeply all the experience along the way. I have always wanted to live a great story. I have waited, and feared it may have passed me by. But what if it hasn't? What if I still get to go? What if there is hope yet, after all?

My thoughts are chaos, while the night is still. Snow drifting gently down, settling on some inch of Earth to make it beautiful.

Is it really so simple as that?

I want to go, too...

The Mean Reds. Also, Brownies.

2010-11-29T21:42:00.016-05:00

Once upon a time there was a girl who cared a little too much about what people thought of her. This was a double-edged sword, making her deeply introspective and insightful, and yet much too self-conscious to actually publish any of her insightfulness, which just happened to be her dream job. So, life was complicated. Despite her worst fear of winding up a lonely cat lady, she found currently that she was happiest living alone, with a recently acquired kitten. And so goes the story of my life...

Today I felt like little more than a robot at a desk, churning out production with no conceivable end in sight. It was also cold, dark, and rainy, with a chance of recent conversation weighing heavily on my mind; the perfect combination for some hard-core blues. Or, as Holly Golightly would say:

“No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The Mean Reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?” (Breakfast at Tiffany's)

Yes, I do. Today was a Mean Reds kind of day.

And so, I had to stop everything, read some scripture, burn some incense, play with my crazy cat and do some writing. These things soothe the soul. Also, brownies.

This past Sunday, we studied the beginning of Hebrews 12:

“Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God...”

Author and finisher of our faith, huh? I don't envy Him that task. Especially on days like this. I have spent oh, so many of these days wondering what the day was there for. Wondering what I am supposed to be doing. Wondering if I'm somehow screwing everything up. And yet, if God is really the author of the story of faith that is my life, is there really anything I can do to ruin it? That seems extremely unlikely.

So here I am, a complicated mix of desire and emotion, fear and frustration, dreams and doubt. I have no idea where I'm going, only that I am to run with endurance, for the joy of the finish line, Mean Reds or not. It is as complicated and simple as that.

After some reflection, I now think that caring too much about what someone is (or in this case, isn't) thinking of me falls under "laying aside every weight." It is all too easy on this kind of day to forget that the growth of faith is a long, and often difficult journey. Endurance really is key. With that in mind, I'm going to take a deep breath and do some letting go of my need for approval. Lord knows I don't need anything else hindering me.

If you, also, happen to be suffering some haunting despair in the midst of your journey, read Hebrews, bake some brownies, and endure. I have faith that I'll meet you at the finish line someday.

Cheetos For Breakfast

2010-11-10T08:11:00.011-05:00

Well, in classic Jo style, I am light years behind the rest of the world, trying Netflix for the first time this past weekend. It is bittersweet; welcoming the new me and saying goodbye to the old. I know I am a changed woman, and will never make it back to the mere girl I was before...

But seriously though, I feel like a new person! In the midst of a self-induced 30 Rock marathonic coma (I think I finished the entirety of season 2 in one day...oops), I ran out to Walgreens to buy coffee and Cheetos like a true 20-something, semi-professional. I finished half the bag last night, and only saved the rest so I could have breakfast this morning. And then it hit me: I am actually happily single.

It's true. I am finding these days that the only time I'm really that dissatisfied with singleness is when there's something mysteriously wrong with my car, or I can't open a jar by myself, etc. No really, I cannot get that thing open! I've tried the hot water trick, the air bubble upside-down trick, the butter knife, the rubber grippy-things... I think God may have put this unbudging jar of zesty bean dip in my life to remind me that there are some things I still can't do alone...

Okay, maybe that's borderline sacrilegious. But my blue corn chips just aren't the same without bean dip, and it seriously frustrates me!

Anyway, I realized recently that people have been giving me bad advice for quite some time now. I distinctly remember in college all the dreamy-eyed alumni giving my shoulder a knowing little squeeze and telling me those were the best years of my life, and that I should be enjoying them. Those people could not have been more wrong. True happiness, I am finding, is coming to accept yourself wherever you are. I am much happier now than I have ever been.

That's right, I like myself these days. Oh, I know all my faults, still. It's not like I'm delusional. But it seems I've been making peace with the girl in the mirror, and life is becoming a rich, fulfilling, exciting thing.

So what's next? People are always saying that you have to be happy single before you can be happy married. I wonder if that's more terrible advice or if it actually has some truth behind it? I finally opened up this year to the wonderful world of dating, and so far it hasn't been as disastrous as I thought. Though I was hoping to get some funny blog postings out of it. Ah, well.

Although it's bound to be hilarious if I do it, I have fought against the pressure to try online dating for a good long time now. I think deep down the writer in me is still hunting for a good love story, one that doesn't involve blissful hugging on a TV commercial under Neil Clark Warren's smirky gaze. Is that really too much to ask?

But really, if I'm happy there's no rush, right?

(Rabbit trail: I'm no feminist, but someone please explain to me why it is that when men choose to live as singles they are bachelors, and we are stuck with "old maid" or "cat lady"? This makes no sense to me! Then again, I have been seriously considering cat adoption. Hmm.)

Here's to cheese puff stains on my pajama pants, weeknights with Netflix and a glass of wine, and all the other ins and outs of living single! Remember kids, these are the best years of your life... ;)

Earl Grey Gets Me High and Other New Discoveries

2010-10-29T11:12:00.011-04:00

After ten-odd years of drinking coffee every morning, nearly without fail, I got up today and thought: "I'd like some Earl Grey this morning, instead."

The change was inspired by two things, the first being that I discovered I had grown bored with life, which is unacceptable for a Creative like me. I had been thinking it was time to make some changes, try some new things, breathe life deeply again, and find the magic. The second, and probably foundational inspiration, is that I met a guy from Seattle who claims that tea is better. The mere suggestion that I may be missing out on the best was enough to unsettle my security about coffee. What if I was wrong?

This morning was cold, and clear, and deeply beautiful. In this city surrounded by mountains, all the leaves changing and dropping, the wind playful, the rain unpredictable, the sun and clouds fighting for rein over the sky, I can't help but fall in love with Autumn in it's height of glory. My heart responds without effort. It was just one of those mornings that called for a break from the usual, and so I decided to have a cup of tea.

I made it in my French press, because I don't yet own a strainer, and started work. It warmed my fingers, like the coffee, and tasted delicious. My morning felt complete. An hour and a half later, I felt the buzz.

As it turns out, the body processes caffeine differently in tea than it does in coffee. I did not know this. So, even after a decade of steady, daily caffeine, I overdosed on one large, strong cup of Earl Grey. I literally had to take a break from work until my head stopped spinning, and I quelled the urge to call random people and sing to them.

I am convinced, by now, that meeting new people and building relationship is one of the greatest joys we have on this earth. It is refreshing to see life from another perspective. I am curious now about Seattle, and all the sights and sounds of it. I am eager to try the fantastically wide variety of teas that I now notice on shelves I used to pass right by. I am learning about religions I had never thought to give a second thought to. I am discovering how to share all of the best and worst of myself with someone new. In the blink of an eye, from one simple introduction, I am changed, and growing into an even better me.

I am eager, now, for new experience, new friends, and new days. Taking a break from the ordinary, and opening up to beautiful new, might just be the best way to steer your life away from terrifying mediocrity. I invite you to try a new cup of tea, in a manner of speaking. You never know when it might be the best you've yet tasted.

Every Purpose Under Heaven

2010-10-19T18:37:00.007-04:00

I watched a leaf fall today, the wind spinning and tossing it about before it finally reached ground, and skittered along the pavement to find a resting place beside my car. I suddenly felt solemn, as I often do in Autumn, viewing the blatant beauty of death, and weighing it against the promise of the life that is to come.

I have lived long enough, and seen enough seasons by now to know that Spring, and new life, always comes. It is no longer faith, but mere expectation. Growing older, you gain wisdom, you learn the way things are... but you have to be careful not to lose your sense of wonder in the process. I feel that mine is threatened at all times.

I like to read Ecclesiastes this time of year. It is a stunningly beautiful bit of literature. I am searching different translations to find the the one I love most. But I recommend sitting down and reading it, in it's entirety, while sitting outside letting the leaves let go of life around you.

I don't want to be one of those fragile old women who weeps at everything, but I will be brave enough to say that, on my break today, with the breeze, and the leaves, and the poetry of the Bible at my fingertips, I shed a few tears as I thought about it all... life, and death, and the changing seasons... toiling under the sun, and the vanity of it all. I desire so deeply to leave some fingerprints behind when I go. I fear that I may never learn how.

I often think of my grandmother these days. I suppose it only natural, this being the first full season without her. But I see her in everything. I remember her every time the sun clears the wall of trees outside my window, and for a few brief moments of the morning, reaches through to touch my face with warmth. Every now and again, for just a second, I will start to remind myself to call her, and then realize... and painful as it is, part of me dreads the day when I stop doing that, too.

To everything, there is a season...

What this season holds, or what it's purpose may be, I cannot fully guess. I know only that I am being shaped, that I am growing, that I can see myself a little more clearly these days. Once again, I open my heart to Autumn, I drink in all the sight and scent of it. I take a lesson from the leaves, and try to let go, and see where the wind will take me.

I must learn to let go... so that a few seasons away, I can see the new life growing freely. I think I have enough faith to trust that there really is a time for every purpose under heaven.

A Blank Page

2010-10-18T22:47:00.005-04:00

Well, here I am again, trying to write but not finding myself with the clarity, creativity, or perhaps the inspiration to. Sometimes I need to write, but the words won't come at all, and sometimes they spill over my fingers like too much water in a small glass. Most of the time I feel that I just can't get it all down quickly enough, before it disappears. I catch a glimpse of the creative, but then it vanishes before I can pin it down.

I have had a lot of people ask me, lately, what I am writing, and I try to dress up my answer and make it look pretty. I am tempted to say what they want to hear and not what's real. The truth of the matter is, that I used to see a blank page and I could fill it past the margins with potential. Now, when I see a blank page I see a reflection of the creative side of my mind, staring back at me.

Blank. Ready for action, but currently sporting only potential, and no words. Is it mere writer's block, a quarter-life crisis, a simple matter of being out of practice? I wish I knew. I wish, also, that I knew my way out.

I guess all writers have to pen a lot of nothing before they can reveal something of value. I have never really known if I have anything that is worth putting down into permanence. That is the beautiful and terrifying thing about writing... the potential for permanence.

Perhaps I am still searching for what needs to be said most. I need organization in my mind that I have never found. I tend to spill everything, and then edit to see if there is treasure buried under all that mess somewhere...

That seems like the theme of my life these days... trying to find the treasure among the mess. Here's to making messes, and hunting for buried treasure!

The Other Girl

2010-07-19T23:16:00.004-04:00

Some days it just doesn't take much beyond the normal stress we endure as humans to push us over the edge. I have been worried about making ends meet, fixing my car, about somehow, some day, making some sort of future for myself... though when I am being really honest I have no idea how... and with that weighing heavy on my heart it didn't take much else.

It was just a text. Just a comment, made by a close friend, intended as a joke. And usually I can take a joke at least as well as anyone, if not better. Growing up with a brother and all the neighborhood boys taught me how to have a fairly thick skin to surround this tender heart of mine. But tonight I just needed a kind word, and I got the opposite. I just wanted to know that I was more than what I felt, and instead I was reminded of what I lack.

Perhaps a large part of it is my fault, for taking a bleeding heart to another broken human and expecting acceptance. But we are all stuck here together, til Kingdom Come, so sometimes other broken humans seem the logical choice. I don't know how to make it through a day here without some bumps and bruises to show for it. Maybe I'm just doing it wrong somehow, but that is life as I know it.

The Bible says we have the power of life and death in our words. Tonight I believe it is true, without doubt. I feel death shoving its greedy fingers into the hurt and lonely places in me, and I can't seem to get them out. Perhaps another glass of water and a good night's sleep will clear my head, but what will it take to clear the pain out of my heart? I feel a little lost and bewildered.

It was just a simple joke about another girl being prettier than I. But we live in a world where nothing is ever good enough, where there is always someone prettier, and richer, and better. I know by now, especially after this year, that we live in a world where I may never be enough. I am trying to face that reality bravely. I am trying to forgive, to move on. I am trying to be the best me that I can be, despite who I am not. But I am oh, so weary of longing to be the other girl...

I don't have much resolution for you tonight. Just a few tears that were 27 years in the making. I lie down and pray for healing tonight, and that one day a guy might look at me and not just see what I lack. Someday, maybe, someone will look right past the other girl and see me.

Grandma

2010-05-29T16:51:00.011-04:00

May 29, 2010

To say that I'm not good at goodbyes is a serious understatement. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and regularly suffer the consequences of it. But I can't seem to help myself. There are times, occasionally, when I am grateful that I do. I suppose today is one of them.

We found out recently that my dear Grandma is very sick. This may be the last year we have with her. I still can't wrap my brain around it, and my heart is nowhere near following the news. Everything in me says we were never made for this. But oh, how sweet a reunion heaven will be! You never realize how much, until you lose someone... I guess that is just the way of it.

The hardest thing about this is not knowing how much longer we've got. Months? Years? Maybe days only. Right now she is napping in her chair just inside, and I could walk right in there and give her a hug if I want. We chatted over lunch today, and she told me more than once how proud of me she is, and it was just a beautiful day full of life and laughter and conversation.

It is strange to me to think that, very soon, time will move us past the point where we can just sit and talk. Someday, maybe not too far from here, she will have moved on to some other place, and I won't get to hug her, I won't get to make her laugh, or hear the “I'm proud of you, girl” until I have also left this space. So much to think about, and so much I don't know.

Life is such a crazy, unknowable thing. God must be such a crazy God to set us all down here, and let go, and let everything just take it's course. The living, the dying, the sinning, and the extraordinary love. Crazy, crazy Life and crazy God!

I have come so far this year, and learned so much. I don't care what anybody says about where I am (it seems everyone has had an opinion about me of late), I know that I am changed, I know that I am growing, I know, at long last, that I am okay just being me. I am finally someone I want to be around.

Grandma said this morning that when you're by yourself, at least you know you're in good company. She said it with that smile, with that dry sense of humor. And I felt a burst of love for her, something I wouldn't trade for anything. She has lived well, and shared herself well with us. I hope someday, that I am like her, that I can take these memories of her into the rest of my life. That someday, I may grow old and start to drift into the Otherworld, and someone who loved me may stay behind and want to love as I did. I hope I have someone to pass the love down to...

God, I want to write so badly. I want to share it all with the world. I want somehow to connect all the pieces and fill in all the cracks with life and connect us all through these words. I want to leave behind something that matters. Oh, sweet Life, I want to fit you into words that people relate to, and grow from, and live a little deeper because of.

This house, I will never forget. There used to be a tree out here, that I loved. It is gone now, but like Grandma, it will always be part of me. It's purpose has been fulfilled in my life, and I will take it with me wherever I go. I spent my childhood underneath it's branches, dreaming. I was part of it and it was part of me, and now we are inseparable. Someday I will write it into my stories and others will know a little piece of it too. That is the way of things. We live, and we share, and we move on to another part of life and leave the rest behind us. We take with us some of the things we want, or need, and let go of what we don't. I am finally learning to accept this cycle. I am not so afraid of the loss anymore.

So much to remember, and to set down for others to know too. The woods out here, so full of mystery in my childhood, are always the woods that come to mind when I read. Most likely I will never explore them again, they are part of the past now, and they will always be the place where the unknown exists and thrives. I believe without a doubt that the door to Narnia, or Wonderland, or some other strange and wonderful place lies within them. I may never find it now, but it is enough to believe it is there.

This house is full of things that sparkle. That is something I will always remember. The little figurines that sparkle, like the sparkle in her eyes. This is a beautiful, beautiful little piece of life I am living. I do not believe I will ever forget this.

The dogwood tree is gone now, too. The one that was always the backdrop for Easter pictures, all of us squinting in the sunlight, and ready for playclothes and southern cooking and football in the yard. I used to play with the boys for awhile, and then get distracted by the hunt for a four-leafed clover, or that swing that I never thought I could outgrow.

I have always loved the house across the street, with the red roof and the double chimneys. I have always wanted to know what's inside. Part of me is glad I don't now. Sometimes the experience of mystery is better than the mystery revealed.

The rocking chairs on the porch have aged, to where they are barely usable. I noticed when I was here last, that that tiny chair where I used to place whatever stuffed animal I was most attached to, has gotten weathered, and will most likely be thrown out before long.

What is the purpose of our lives, I wonder? Were we just meant to live out our days, and come home to Jesus, and do the best we can? I think that's what I've been doing of late... just existing. I don't know if it's enough, but honestly I don't want or expect anything from Grandma. I just want her to be her. I don't need her to do anything, I simply want relationship with her while she's here. I try so hard sometimes to be something or earn something... and I wonder if God doesn't just want me to be me, and nothing else. I bet he just loves me like I am, and doesn't need me to try.

Oh, how I am not ready to let her go. I think this is helping, though. Just being here, just writing a bit, and thinking about her and all the memories here. I hope and pray we get another Christmas. But I am confident about life in the future now. I am confident that living is enough, and I get to choose to some degree the how and where I am living. But living and loving and sharing may well be the point. And I am ready to do more of it.

I am ready to be a writer now. This year has been tough on me, and I have lost a lot of dreams I thought were just about to come true. I thought it was the end, and now I know... somehow, in this space, I know it is not. I know that it doesn't matter so much as I thought. I know that my life isn't ending now, that there is much more to be lived. And it's okay if it takes me a little longer to fall in love. I think it will be okay in the end after all.

I am looking forward to being on my own again, to connecting within myself. To writing, and loving God, and facing life bravely. This next season might just be the sweetest of my life. And I am ready. I am not quite so scared of life as I used to be. I think this season of self loathing and uncertainty is almost over. I am ready to embrace life, and embrace myself, and just be me. I think that is all I am supposed to be anyway.

Man, I remember the taste of rock candy here. I remember frilly, handmade curtains and butterflies and soap operas. This is a good home, and I am more okay with my life now. I am glad this is part of me.

I am glad, too, that she is moving on. No more struggling to get around. And if God is who he says he is, it will all be okay. She will be loved and taken care of, and we will see her again before long. We are so, so blessed. Because one day, we will be called Home. That memory of home that was imprinted in our hearts, that we've tried all of our lives to recreate here. God will call us by our names, and lead us home, and we will finally be together again. I trust him, right now, more than I normally do. I think his plan is alright. I think he knows what he's doing. I think we're in better hands than we imagine.

This is a beautiful, sunny day, and I love to just sit outside and write. What am I thinking, not doing this more often? I can do this pretty much whenever I like, I don't know why I don't. I think God is here, today, holding my heart and leading me through this. This trip may well be my goodbye, or at least the beginning of it. And I know right now that he is here too, and has not left my side.

Oh, how life will never be the same again! But that is how things progress, and more life waits around the corner. New life. And it will all be okay. We all have to move on someday.

I will miss that little church, and the unique way we sang “He Lives”. I already miss dresses with lace and bold color and sitting through a sermon that felt just a little too long. Ham with that brown sugar glaze and deviled eggs, and fantastic little rolls that leave me stuffed. Hard to believe it is all passing by, it is almost behind us. You never know, in the middle of them, the moments that are most important. But somehow they know to go ahead and hang on, in your memory, and you never really lose them.

Strange that life led me here, to this porch, when my grandmother was moving on to Heaven, to let me know that I am a writer. I know, right now, that I am. That I am born to be, meant to be, that no amount of publishing matters. I will write, and leave it behind, and someone else will find it. And it just matters. We don't even have to know why. I only know it does. God made me a writer, and I write. And that is all.

It feels good just to get it out. I don't know why I stopped. I hope I never stop writing again. I hope I do this every day, for the rest of my life... and time will make sense of it all someday. I don't have to know where the story is going yet. Only that it is still going.

Tomorrow, they will get here... Chris, and Lisa, and share with me in this. I wish Keri could be here, but circumstances did not allow her to be. It is funny how much a part of each other's lives we all are. I love them more deeply than I knew I could. Sometimes you don't even know, until you stop to think deeply about the lives around you.

And I know, now, that I am lovable. I haven't really known, this whole year. It has been a question in my mind for some time now, especially since... he... didn't choose to, and I cared oh, so much for him. I thought that maybe I wasn't lovable. But that is ridiculous. And someone will see it someday, and it doesn't even matter who doesn't see it. That doesn't change who I am at all.

He is crazy for missing out on me. I am many things, and I am a bundle of unfinished business even, but I am not unlovable. I really don't know what he's thinking. He could have been part of this with me. He could have met my Grandma, and been here for me through this. But his choices have led him down some other road, and it is one I don't care to follow unless I'm invited. And at this point, maybe not even then. Life is so very strange, though. I waited so long to fall in love, and still picked the wrong guy. But none of that matters now, I suppose.

I don't know why or how I'm supposed to make it alone. But here I go :)

Altar

2010-02-25T17:15:00.007-05:00

I am ready for sweet, summer days; for sunshine on my skin, feeling weightless in water, and hiking epiphanies... wisdom that only the woods can offer. My soul has grown weary of hunching in the cold, and is reaching out for change and growth and beauty I have yet to grasp. I am ready to let go of dead winter and see what comes, alive and new with spring. I am ready to be new again, too.

This week I discovered a pair of alternative folk musicians called You and Yourn, and they have changed me. I bought their album, and I have listened to it on repeat daily since it was purchased. I can't get enough... like a new relationship, when there is so much to discover that there never seems to be an adequate amount of time in the day. I am committing lyrics and melodies to memory, and singing along. It is by no mistake that I found them in this season. They are helping me let go.

I've found myself in a rather desolate place lately. It can probably be labeled depression, and I can probably get some pills to make it seem less enormous, but there are no cures for the underlying questions. They are meant to be asked.

I don't know that I even want to spell it all out. But I am putting my desires on an altar and watching them go up in smoke, because I found something better than even financial security, travel, marriage, a writing career... all of the things I thought I wanted so deeply.

Like Abraham with Isaac, I don't know what the outcome will be, or if I will be asked to sacrifice the things most precious to me. But I discovered that I already hold the keys to an unexplored kingdom and I can't be content with just these things anymore. Someone cracked open a door I didn't know was there, and the world I am in is now pale in comparison to the light spilling through...

I cannot go back. But all the stuff I've brought with me can't go where I am going. So I leave it here in embers and turn and face whatever is just beyond that door...

Faith is a radiant and terrifying adventure. But once it has gotten ahold of you, ordinary no longer satisfies. I want more.

Last Girl on Earth

2010-02-23T13:57:00.015-05:00

I had a dream this weekend that helped me gain understanding about myself. I was alone on Earth; there was no one else, only me. I was just alone, taking care of myself, and wasn't worried about anything, or anyone else. I simply took joy in having sweet time...

I didn't have to work, so I finally had time to travel (apparently everything just worked electronically, planes, buses, etc. ...I love fantasy!). I wasn't afraid of what could happen to me, I didn't wonder if I would have enough money to make ends meet this year. I finally got to read all the books I want to read. I had time to write, and didn't have the fear of it being "good enough" or better than so-and-so's writing. I didn't have to live up to anybody's standards, or be the kind of girl that he would want...

During the dream I felt a sense of peace like I haven't known in a long time. I realized, upon waking, that I still care so much about what people think that it is almost crippling. I thought I had come a long way in that area, but it seems that lately I've been slipping back into the oblivion of self consciousness. I'm not entirely sure just yet how to get myself out of it.

Despite what I may want, I know that the nature of my humanity means that I will never be fully satisfied. So it is no surprise (or shouldn't be) that I am a touch unhappy with my job, that I am not too sure I want to be single, that I don't know exactly what I want or how to get there if I did know. These complaints are echoed by potentially millions. Does anybody know what to do about it, though? Even the wisest man on earth said: "All is vanity..." There is a little mix of comfort and despair in that for me.

I took a heart-wrenching walk down memory lane this past weekend, and my desperate need for some alone time to think through it all may have been what sparked such a thought-provoking respite of a dream. Perhaps I just need to take more time to myself, to get away, to think and write and just be. But I also feel such a deepening need for time with people, to get out, and talk, and laugh, and stop being too introspective... how do you know what you truly need most?

One of my best friends calls me an extroverted introvert. I think the creative nature in me pushes me towards division when it comes to categorizing these things. I get my energy from being alone, focusing in on whatever I am writing or creating, and also in being with people, learning and growing from them. It changes depending on the need of the moment. This morning, I only needed alone time. Right now, I am glad that there are others around me. And I have always been this way.

Coffee shops provide the perfect atmosphere for people such as myself. I can zone out and get lost in my writing, and in the next second look up and start a conversation with the guy next to me. I feel like I am going to be spending a lot more time here in the coming months...

I guess the good news in all of this is that I think I am finally unafraid of being alone. I have wanted to achieve this for so long now, and I think I have finally made progress. I know for certain that I am going to be paying much closer attention to how I am living my life in reaction to what other people think or say, and work on not being so afraid of rejection. My time alone with myself, though only in a dream, taught me that I'm not so terrible to be around :)

What is next? I never know. I am hoping and praying for change to come. My soul is growing restless again. I never know whether I should tame it or set it free.

I wonder... if I were the last girl on earth... would I know my story better?

A New Story

2010-01-14T18:35:00.006-05:00

I felt different this morning when I woke up. I remember that distinctly. I remember feeling like the world was not such a dreary place, and that the morning sunlight filtering in through my blinds felt fresh, and new, and even a bit magical. I pondered writing a story about the magical properties of sunlight... I have missed it in these long, cold, dreary days.

I made a decision today. I started crying on my lunch break again, and wondered how on earth I could make it several more years at some desk in front of a computer, doing pointless things. I have not been inspired to write in so, so long. I don't feel there is much to write about. As a child I was filled with wonder and dreamed big dreams, only to grow up and find myself in a grey cubicle, going nowhere. These past years have shown a sad, slow death for my creative heart. And that is not the way it should be.

But I started crying today on my lunch break, and that little voice inside me grew into a roar, and I realized suddenly that my fear of risk, and the unknown, is nothing compared to my fear of the mediocre, and the life I have come to know. For I could choose this, and make ten dollars an hour for the rest of my life at a desk job, hoping some amazing guy is going to notice me and take me away from here. Or I can change everything, and go my own way, and pursue what I want, and find someone or something in the adventure worth writing about...

And so, I have chosen a new story. One that terrifies me, and therefore, is bound to be worth telling.

I think I will give myself a year to prepare. It may take that long for me to find a family who is a good match for me (I am seriously considering overseas nanny jobs), and there is much I still need to do here. And, truth be told, I love this city... I think I would like another year to say goodbye. But it will be a year that counts, and I will be moving towards something better, and that will make all the difference.

Although this is just the beginning, I believe a new chapter has finally begun... I find hope renewed in my heart. It seems a new story was just what I have been missing.

A Hand in the Fog

2010-01-09T19:09:00.008-05:00

I feel like I am stepping into a great grey fog these days.

Many things are changing, and I know I need to be proactive about creating positive change in my life. So I am doing the obvious things; seeking God's face in prayer and in the Word, having conversations with people I respect, committing to work out and eat healthier, getting enough sleep to stay emotionally stable, saving to get my car fixed so that when the time comes, I can get a new job...

I am trying to rid myself of the things that hinder me from moving forward, from having the kind of life I want as a single. For it seems that God is content for me to be single. Just me... for now. I must frequently remind myself that His plan is not a consolation prize.

So I have been cleaning out and letting go of everything I can think of, from pounds to clothes to ads I will never read filling up my email inbox. It is an emotional and difficult task for me, but the end result should be well worth the effort. I desire to live in freedom to the best of my ability, and I am bogged down by all the extra stuff. It is everywhere, and I must be free of it soon. I find myself claustrophobic in my own skin some days. I crave change.

The biggest change I am making is hard to define. I guess you could say I am letting my best dream die. Although I have not spoken of it in such a public format as this, I will say that it was something I was hoping for, that I dared to want with a very large portion of my heart's desire. I do not often let myself want things on such a deep level, there is too much risk involved, but I made an exception. I thought something would come of it that has simply not come.

I grieve. But I must not remain here long.

It just doesn't look like the life I so wanted is God's path for me, and I must be obedient, with or without answers. I have waited and waited, I have cried often and prayed and talked to friends and literally begged God for answers, or for clarity, mainly for a conversation that has never come. And so it has become clear that I must let it go. Though I may lose some of my heart and my hope in the parting, I must let go, and be okay with the mystery once again...

My heart hurts. I am praying for healthy distractions, for a place to serve, where I can make a difference to people with my hugs and laughter, and possibly even my writing. I am praying for a place to put my heart, since it is not wanted where I had hoped it would soon be requested. I had hoped, more deeply than I had yet dared... but I must move on now.

C.S. Lewis said: "For broken dreams the cure is, dream again, and deeper." This time around, I am trying to dream smarter, as well.

I step, perhaps a little sadly, into the great grey fog before me. Just me, and my father God. Though I seek it, I cannot see His face. There is only a hand in the fog, reaching out, expecting me to trust. And I must step forward, and follow, though I ache for what I leave behind. But His hand is there to guide me, and that is infinitely comforting.

Perhaps on the other side, when the fog has lifted, I may be allowed to know why. Until then, I wish only to obey, and let go.

Vision

2010-01-01T14:35:00.006-05:00

I am scrambling to catch up to the new year. It seems to have snuck up on me suddenly this time. I suppose I don't need to do anything in particular, but I would have liked to have thought through the accomplishments and failures of the year past, and try to move towards seeing this new year as a new beginning. As it is, though, I awoke to just another day that I'm not sure what to do with. I feel behind already...

Life is moving along, however, and I am trying to see it clearly. Most of the time I don't get the point of it. Not that I would like it to end or anything, it's just the age-old questions... I'm not sure what I am supposed to be doing. I am praying for direction, and praying for a vision for the future, a story worth telling to move myself towards. I am trying to be a character worth remembering. I don't know if I am yet.

I am doing alright, though. Continuing to see God as a Father, and myself as a valued member of His kingdom. I picture myself in a room in his fortress sometimes, resting and being restored for whatever lies ahead. I am craving a mission, a purpose, an adventure. But I have to trust that He is making me ready for what is next, and that this time is not a waste. I believe I will know when it is time for me to move, and I am praying for that direction to come clearly.

All I really know to do is the work I am given, to try to be a loving friend, to continue pursuing health and growth, and to stay close to Him. There are things that I desire more deeply than I thought possible, that don't seem to be my story, and I am grieving those dying dreams for this season. I do not understand. And yet, I want nothing that is outside of His plan and His story for me. So I must let them go, and ask for a new vision to dream into.

I think if I have learned anything in the last year, it is that I can't do much on my own. I can't figure it out, and I can't always get it right, and I can't keep people in my life if they don't want to be there, no matter what I may want.

It is encouraging to me, though, to see life as kind of a long walk down the aisle. We have been promised a wedding, and a wedding feast. So I am trying to look forward and just keep stepping towards that promise. At least I know I get my wedding in the end, even if only in the end. I am fighting hard to not see Him as only the consolation prize, for I know that that is not truth.

And so, a new year begins. And though I begin it with an aching heart, I know that I cannot predict what may happen next. The story isn't over yet. My hope and prayer is that it is only now beginning...

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart. Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.

The Miracle

2009-11-28T17:34:00.005-05:00

It was a week ago tonight that I lost my little cat friend. Strange that I am missing her now more than even that weekend, but it is possible that I am just now beginning to feel the emotions of it. I am trying to be brave, and let her go.

I have left her stuff out this week, her little food dish and the empty litter box, still sitting where it has always sat. But I have to pack it up tonight. I just haven't been able to bear the finality of it. I think that this is a normal emotion. Just one I wish I didn't have to feel.

And still... I cannot deny that I am blessed. She was hit by a car, and rushed to the Vet, and like anyone would I prayed for a miracle. And it happened, just not as I had hoped it would. The miracle came not in saving the cat, but in dear friends and family, and even people who barely know me, taking the time to let me know that I am loved.

People took me out for coffee, and bought me lunch, and posted sweet things on facebook, and called me, and hugged me. Some even offered whatever savings they had in contribution for the surgery she would have needed. It was nothing short of miracle, to me.

Anytime you turn on the news you hear about all the crime, and sadness, and disaster, and we are faced daily with the reality of sinfulness in the world. But let us not forget, dear friends, that we are loved; that we are capable of just as much love and life and hope and kindness as we are of failure and futility. Let us not forget that simple acts of love can change the lives of those around us.

I thank you, all of you, for being part of my life and choosing to love me through my loss. I miss Shaunessey, but through the pain I am so gratefully blessed to know that I am a loved individual in this crazy world.

Let us choose not to miss the miracles that are offered us and not take for granted those we love in this world. And also, give your little furry friend a hug for me today.

Unlocking the Door

2009-11-15T19:25:00.006-05:00

This year I perfected my hot chocolate recipe... I mean, perfected. I am drinking a cup right now! Mmmmm... so spicy... :)

The evenings have grown cold and I feel like my feet are always freezing. I have had to dive into my vast collection of crazy socks on a regular basis. I wear hoodies inside and keep a blanket in my lap while I'm working. But its really not that bad this year... or I have embraced instead of resisting it this year, perhaps.

Honestly, I love that winter forces us to remember to be cozy. I would totally forget about fuzzy socks and hot chocolate and how great body heat from a hug feels if it weren't for the colder weather. Funny how even unpleasant things sometimes lead to joy.

I have just discovered, for the very first time, how great the Chronicles of Narnia series is. I read The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe years and years ago, but somehow I never made it to any of the other books. It seems to be unlocking some forgotten door in my creativity, however. I even wrote a few paragraphs of my own story this morning. I just woke up and had to write it down. It is stirring up my creative soul in a way that is terrifying and refreshing at the same time.

I read the words:

"Make your choice, adventurous Stranger;
Strike the bell and bide the danger,
Or wonder, till it drives you mad,
What would have followed if you had..."

...and literally got cold chills. I don't want to overstress it, but the life parallel is unavoidable. I am in a phase where trying new things (within reason) has become my latest hobby. If I don't "strike the bell," persay, I am left to regret and wonder what might have been. I want to turn every doorknob and experiment with my hot chocolate recipe and take roadtrips and see what all life has to offer! The mysteries of this life feel fresh and almost tangible... just close enough to keep you interested in pursuing them...

I seem to have struck the balance. I have a very dull and mindless job. One of the few pleasures I find in it are some of the ridiculous names of physicians or patients, but even that can only get you so far. But I have finally figured out how to do my job well and still rely on my imagination to ward off boredome. In my mind, I am free to roam about the world of fantasy, and I hope that it all comes spilling out onto paper before long. The trick is finding something remotely original. How great it would be to actually get something published... but I am a long way from there, still. :)

I have also found myself singing often in recent days, which I think is awesome, because God gave me those verses in Hosea when He began to transform my life into blessed contentment... "and she will sing again as in the days of her youth..." Beautiful, His redemption. I don't remember much about my youth, and I kind of doubt that I did a lot of singing, but I am grateful for the ever-present songs that fill my heart these days.

I don't know how long it will last, but the world seems a kind and welcoming place lately. God has set me in a place where I am resting, growing, becoming the woman He has longed for me to be. I am trying to make good decisions, and choose the direction for my future. I have hope like I hadn't known existed in this life. Most of all, I believe... and oh, how it changes everything.

Here's to spicy hot chocolate, fuzzy green socks, autumn days, and heart-songs! I assure you, sitting at the feet of Jesus is the only place I truly want to be. This is unlike any other chapter of life I have experienced. If you aren't there yet, I encourage you to drop everything, quit all the trying, and just sit at His feet. I honestly don't believe I will ever be the same again.

Jesus loves me, this I know... :)

Like/Dislike

2009-11-14T21:52:00.004-05:00

Randomness having to do with my recent life...

Hearing Christmas music on the radio when it's not even Thanksgiving and 70 degrees out... bah, humbug! *dislike* :(

Having an evening to myself after a stressful week... sigh *like* :)

Starting a new book... new adventure *like* :)

International Delight Pumpkin Spice creamer... bleh. Nothing like the Starbuck's version *dislike* :(

The new theater downtown that serves beer... I love Chattanooga *like* :)

Stepping in puppy pee... ew *dislike* :(

My BWW's buddies... fun times! *like* :)

Good Fortune's new holiday peppermint vanilla body wash and lotion... tingly! Very much *like* :)

Church in the morning for worship, fellowship, and growth... contentment *like* :)

My feet always being cold now... brrr! *dislike* :(

Fuzzy socks being the remedy... comfy *like* :)

Pondering my roadtrip to MN... OMG! *like* :D

Not having made progress on my children's book idea... disappointment *dislike* :(

Co-planning a Thanksgiving party for people who aren't going home... party *like* :)

My winter wardrobe... where did this stuff even come from? *dislike* :(

Earning a bonus at work... Yay! *like* :)

Thinking of the perfect Christmas presents for all... creative *like* :)

Christmas trees/lights already up... its a bit soon, but *like* :)

Raspberry Chipotle Hummus being rumored to be back in stock at Greenlife... oh my word *like!* :)

Going all week without driving my car... stir crazy *dislike* :(

Missing the gym for a week... Fatty McFatterson *dislike* :(

Finally getting cable... 'cept I forget that we have it so still don't watch it often *like* :)

Kitty purring happily at my feet... warm *like* :)

Pirate setting on Facebook that lists my relationship status as "marooned" instead of single... Arrr! *like* :)

Getting recently drunk dialed... LOL! *like* :)

Being chastised for my odd views on dating and relationships over dinner... dorkwad *dislike* :(

KT Tunstall's song: "Throw Me a Rope" which reminds me of a certain someone... hopeless *like* :)

Encouraging note from an old friend I never expected to hear from again... made-my-day *like* :)

Being way to obsessed with Facebook? Social networking *like* :)

Having commenters ignore my weirdness and have fun leaving some of their own likes/dislikes... please? *like* :)

No More Bad Days

2009-11-11T17:00:00.007-05:00

I hate crying for unknown reasons. I guess it is just one of those days, but I am finding it difficult to change course. I finally finished up work, and now I am curled up on the couch with my favorite blanket, trying to make sense of it all as the daylight drifts off to brighten some other section of the world. Crazy that in another's story somewhere it is morning, while for me, it is just another day gone by.

I finally finished the newest Donald Miller book, and it has made me a bit introspective lately about the story I am creating day to day. It has shaped my perspective in such a way that I do not believe I will be able to look at things the same. That is the mark of a good book.

I have also found rekindled in me the desire to write, to speak life and truth into the bad stories that children face daily. To invite people into a better story... this is my passion and my dream. Though God seems to be alright with it taking my lifetime to accomplish such a small task.

My mind is very far away this evening. I long to know the answer to the question that has burned up my thoughts for months. And yet I can't bear to speed the story along. I don't want to miss a day of it, so I must wait and see what happens. Some days it makes it hard to live here, to interact with my friends and wash the dishes and sit in front of that computer to meet production. The story I so desire to live is miles and miles from here...

However it all turns out, I am working on making a better story, of living a life I am proud to say I lived. Even this evening, before I close my eyes to dream, I have opportunity to redeem part of the story, and I will take it. I want to make memories and smiles tonight. I want to sit in heaven with people and watch my story and say :"Oh yeah... that was that day that started out horrible, but I made it count by the end. We had fun!"

I want all my days to be that way. I get to choose at least part of my daily story. Tonight I choose to be who I want to be, and not who I feel like being in the moment. Perhaps that is enough for today.

With the right perspective, I'm not really sure that there are such things as bad days. We definitely find ourselves in terrible circumstances at times, but isn't it just one small part of a greater story? Much to think about.

I would like to change my perspective so that I do not believe in bad days any more. I wonder if I am being unrealistic, or if I have just discovered one of the secrets to happiness? :) Time will tell, I suppose. For tonight, however, I have just a little more story to make...

No more bad day :)

Autumn Story

2009-10-31T13:06:00.011-04:00

I haven't written in a long while because I've been doing some thinking, some sorting, and some just plain living. I have come to a place in my life that I never thought I would make it to, where the word "contentment" isn't just for fairy tales... it has become a reality. And I have simplified my life enough that I can just breathe, and just be, and just heal.

I have learned to laugh again, with my whole heart, like I haven't in a whole lifetime...

I have been alive long enough to know that change comes swiftly, and often catches us off guard. So instead of being fearful of not "getting anywhere" in life, at least for this season, I have taken the time to just rest, and let it all be. At some point, if nothing has changed and I grow weary of the simple life, I may try to stir things up a bit. But until then I will sit here and soak up this ever-elusive "stability" that I have stumbled into. God be praised.

This morning I awoke to the chilly breeze coming through my window, and on my way to turn the kettle on I noticed the tree next door had given up its golden canopy and scattered its treasure all over our front yard. The ground is completely covered, utterly beautiful... the kind of beauty the heart needs in order to remember to pause, reflect, and be still...

I am also shedding the old layers and preparing for vulnerable winter. I don't know what the next season will bring, but I am ready to turn bright and beautiful, to let the color show and let go, and be still and wait to be made alive again. I feel in touch with this old earth today, like my soul knows its glory and pain in this season. I feel like I fit somehow, in this story, even though I don't know how it ends.

It is enough to just be part of it all, just to breathe and feel, to laugh, and love, and be. I have asked myself lately if I am enough, if I am doing enough, if I have healed enough or loved enough, if I have made any difference in my little space on earth...

And these questions remain unanswered. Yet today I know that Almighty God knit me together before I was born, and breathed holy Life into me, and let me go, and let me fall, and let me come back to Him and gave me Life again, anew. Even the cycle of seasons tell His story. And it is enough.

I see now that I have finally given Him back the pen, in surrender and acknowledgement that He is the one creating story. And I can't decipher the plot, which sometimes makes me crazy as a writer, but I am finally okay with the mystery.

I like the story, though, that I have found this Autumn. I still don't know what story I am to write, but it is possible I have had to become satisfied in my own story before I can create one to share with the world.

For now I am content to just rest, and wait to see what happens next...

Solitary Saturdays

2009-09-05T09:18:00.009-04:00

Saturday morning... quiet, calm, and solitary. I just brewed some coffee and took that first, fulfilling sip, and let out a sigh.

I am almost lonely. Almost. And yet...

I cannot be angry. I am not unsatisfied with my circumstances or anxious to be somewhere I'm not... I am content to just be. I feel like I have come a great distance in a very short amount of time. I feel... so many things. Mostly I feel Father-God, with firm and loving hands, restoring all the missing pieces of my heart, lost somewhere along the way...

I am not who I was, even a month ago. I am new, redeemed, alive again. I have reached a new chapter of the story somehow... wrapping up the old and stepping into new. Still the same story, and yet... we move along.

Life always moves us. Sometimes the season is long, and we forget that we are moving. Then suddenly, without warning, it has vanished and is no more.

I have let go. I have learned to lay my burdens down, and let them stay there. I have learned to sit at His feet and just rest. I have learned to praise Him, and thank Him, and trust Him through the times that make no sense. Through all the mess of loss and horror and poverty and unfulfilled dreams and crying myself to sleep... I have learned.

I still wonder what is next. I still know what I want it to be... I still ask Him if it could be...

But I also trust... and wait.

This year, I feel Autumn in my blood. It comes softly, slipping in through the slight change in temperature, the hint of dark a bit earlier in the evening...

It comes in through my quieted spirit; unafraid now to show the color within... and let go.

I welcome Autumn. I welcome change. I welcome the story that is in God's hands...

Some day I will miss solitary Saturdays. Some day, I will wake up next to him, and wonder that the story changed so quickly. Someday there will be breakfasts to make, and kids to take to soccer practice and chores to be done. And all of this will have passed away into memory.

So I praise God for the solitude, though there is pain in it. I praise Him for the season, for the story, for these Saturdays, and for those that are coming.

I praise Him, for He is worthy to be praised...

To Stand and Wait

2009-08-29T12:24:00.007-04:00

I need to give myself a break. It has become abundantly clear to me by now. In fact, I need it so badly that God is practically forcing it on me....

"Rest, child..." He keeps saying. I won't do it. So then my job sends me to work from home. He takes away about a billion distractions I had struggled to fill the emptiness with and says: "Rest." I don't like it. I don't like the silence; the being alone with myself. I don't like my mess. I don't like spinning my wheels. "I want to be DOING something!!" I frequently remind Him. I pray for other jobs. I ask about marriage. I fight, I yell. I squirm and cry.

I don't like it. But that's all He's really giving me right now....

I succumb. Lately I've just been giving in. Its not as bad as I had feared. There are just lots of things I need to work on, and I know it. And positive growth feels like it takes so very long. Worth it, in the end, I have no doubt. But... I am twenty-seven already... why must it take so long?

This is not the fun part. I am living with an open wound, and it hurts. He's opened me up, and is cleaning everything out... I am fully aware of the pain of having all my weaknesses, insecurities, and bad habits exposed to the elements. And what's worse... to the eyes of those around me. An absolutely nightmare, to a desperate approval-seeker such as myself.

Will it ever be over? I know I will never "arrive" but will there, someday, be a day when I'm all cleaned out and healed up and moving forward into a beautiful life...? Will I be able to write, to love, to help others someday?

I search daily for that Gateway to Hope. I ache to abandon the master/worker relationship, and move into something much, much more intimate. I don't want to miss a second of real relationship with Him. And I realize... that is also His desire. How ironic that I find resting to be such hard work. For me, this resting and trusting is the hardest path I have yet chosen. But what else really matters?

I am anxious for a season of action, a season of change. I am anxious for love to be a verb, and not just a fictional ideal. I am oh, so anxious for Hope to come to me again, and repair the wings on these dreams of mine...

How long, O Lord?

Once again, I am reminded to be still, and know Him as my God.

They also serve, who only stand and wait...

Unanswered

2009-08-23T21:54:00.005-04:00

I would love to have an original topic to work with, but my brain is still in "search" mode, and nothing is coming up on the page. I suppose that might require that I change something about my life... which I may be close to doing... but I want to wait until I've actually done it before I try writing about it... we shall see.

I love writing. Everything from the sound of the keys to the gentle transformation of words from brain to fingers to page. Half the time I feel like someone else is writing for me, as if these aren't even my thoughts. The muse takes over, and all I have to do is what it tells me, and new life is born. Sovereignty is beautiful and terrifying.

I am trying to write a children's book. Harder than it looks, let me tell you. I have a fantastic title, but that's as far as I've gotten with it so far. I've actually started at least a dozen writing projects recently, with high hopes, and no follow-through. I guess that's a step up from not starting them at all... I guess.

I have a lot of questions that still remain unanswered. I suppose we all do. I still don't know if I'm supposed to conjure up a story through my stress and anxiety and never-ending self doubt, or if one day it will just come to me... and things will never be the same...

I still get up every single morning, and long for the answer...

Gateway to Hope

2009-08-18T22:11:00.004-04:00

"But I will win her back again;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her there.
I will return her vineyards to her
and transform the Valley of Trouble
into a gateway to hope.
And she will sing again
as in the days of her youth...
In that day, declares the Lord,
you will call me 'my husband'
instead of 'my master'..."
Hosea 2

I made it to a milestone today, and thought it was worth mentioning, since the last few posts have mainly been comical complaining. Yesterday I decided I had had enough of my mess, and took the entire day off today to clean it. I got a LOT done, but there is still a bit left to do. As in all things, I must keep on keeping on...

But the point is, that I finally did it, and the decision was mine. Truth be told, so much of my past was wrapped up in all that junk, that going through it was harder than most people realize or understand. But now I feel like I am putting it to rest, and moving on to that great, unknown future that God has set before me. He knows what I am hoping comes next... but...

For now I am just anxious for this valley to transform...

Cat Lady in Training?

2009-08-15T13:05:00.015-04:00

I truly hate being discontent, but I have grown frustrated with my story this season. And that is putting it nicely :) As I told one of my best friends last night, I'd have stopped reading if it weren't my own damn life.

So many questions. It all comes down to not knowing who I am, or why I am, or what my purpose will be. I could write such a better story if I knew the answers to these questions...

I hurt.

One of the men that I most respect in life, a former professor at my college, used to tell me that in all the best stories, the hero doesn't come until the very last minute... when it seems all hope is lost. So I suppose every story has to have an "all hope is lost" before it gets to the good part. But reading it and living it are very different things.

Honestly, I often don't even feel like the heroine in my own story. I am the dopey side-kick, the best friend, the bridesmaid... the comic relief. And every story needs that... but... I had hoped for greater things.

Yesterday I was with two close girl friends in a coffee shop, and we were talking and laughing and being ridiculous, and being real. And I made the statement that I am so confused about life, because I know in this culture I am supposed to be a "career woman," but I really don't fit the mold. What I truly, honestly want is to be a wife, and a mother, to be a help and support to a good, godly man. That is the deepest desire of my heart. And I get so lost because everything else I attempt just feels like a waste of time. And I just don't understand.

And right then, the craziest thing happened. The guy sitting on the couch behind our table said, "Might I interject?" and then we were pretty much in a scene from a movie!

He was a nice guy, but a businessman, through and through. He told us about how he found his wife (online), and how we don't have time to waste. As if I don't fear that already. He told us that, as late twenty-somethings, we are competing for the handful of good men who are left, and that we need to be proactive because our competitions are 19 year olds, and we only have a "short window of beauty" to work with. Nice.

I want to give him credit. He was attractive and charming, and trying to speak from the heart, and he made some good points. He also said that he was glad to hear me say that I wanted to be a wife and a mom, and that that desire had been what sold him on the woman he married. I truly believe he was trying to help. But for the love of God, the last thing the world needs is more exhausted, competitive Christian women who feel like they have to hunt a man down. Lord, save us all from that fate!

If that is the case, then I'm out. I will not interview for the position of wife in a man's life. I will not grovel, or beg, or chase. I will not compete with a 19 year old with a perfect body. If you want a 19 year old, go get one. I will, most certainly, not stand in your way.

The truth is, God has made a woman out of me. Brought up in a terribly unhealthy environment, I have chosen to seek and trust Him, and let Him heal me, though it hurts worse than anything I could have ever imagined. I have chosen to save myself for marriage, I have chosen to live vulnerably and honestly before a critical world, I have chosen a harder road, and that has left its share of scars. I leave my heart in God's hands, because every time I don't, I make an absolute mess of things.

And truly, I do not want to waste time. God knows I do not want to compete. And by the grace of God, no, I do not want to just make out with you on your couch! Whether I deserve more than that, I do not know. But I have the power to choose, and I have chosen. I would rather "fail" seeking and trusting the heart of God, than try my luck at anything else.

If that is not enough for a man, then so be it. Bring on the cats. I have nothing more to offer than who I am. And who I am is who God has made me to be thus far. I will continue growing, but I can never be more than He allows. So I will not exhaust myself further trying to be someone I'm not for some guy who won't, in the end, even want me.

My hope rests in the fact that the story isn't over yet. There are still chapters to be written, and the heart of God is a wild, wild place. He has certainly told some good stories in the past. There is still a chance that mine will be no exception. All I really know to do is keep reading...

I Prayed For a Husband, and God Bought Me Fries

2009-08-13T20:28:00.009-04:00

Is there a less lame way to start a blog than saying some mindless crap like: "Today was a really bad day"...? Maybe if I hadn't had such an exhausting week I could think of something more creative... oh well.

Everyone is getting married. And yay for them. I mean that. I do. It's just...

This isn't coming out right.

In other news, I've started applying for nanny jobs again. I'll be honest, I don't really know what I'm doing. I just... don't want to feel stuck anymore.

I saw Halloween shirts at Target today when I got out of the house. It was the first time it really sunk in to me that it's already August. I hope this year I don't miss the whole season! I am trying to enjoy the sunshine while it is here, but I hope when this season ends, it takes with it some of the mess I've been dealing with...

It occurred to me that, as dearly as I love my friends, I might need more... I am so sick of the lonely evenings where no one wants to hang out.

Apparently this post is going to be a lot of random thoughts.

I miss something I can't put my finger on these days... and if I can't figure out what it is, how in God's name am I supposed to find it??

Today I saw someone I did not want to see. In fact, if I never saw him again, I would be infinitely happy. And it amazes me how deeply God loves us... loves us all. As angry as I am with him, I want with all of my heart for him to know God's unshakable love. I think that means I am healing.

I have been oh, so lonely all day. I spent my lunch break crying, begging God for clarity, asking Him if my singleness is almost done... if there's even a tiny chance that the guy who's been on my mind might have noticed me... I am so tired of being invisible.

These days, whenever I ask for something, He always answers: "Trust me." It never fails to make me angry. And yet, at the end of the day, trust in Him is all that really matters.

I have been praying for my husband daily. I don't even care if that's stupid. I may not know who he is, but if he's out there, he probably needs prayer just as much as I do. I figure it is a good habit to be into, for when he does come along.

This is a long and lonely road. I had no idea what I was committing to when I committed to waiting! But they say it is worth it...

I think my life would be worse without coffee. I love the stuff.

I accidentally tie-dyed my shirt a few days ago. Total accident. And it looks awesome. Sometimes life is strange.

So after I saw the unmentionable heartbreaker, I broke my diet and went to Burger King. It was either that, or more tears. And I had just recovered from the headache I had aquired over lunch break. I do not regret one calorie.

I didn't order fries. I wanted them, but didn't order them. When I was pulling out of the drive-thru, I thought I smelled them. "Nooo," I convinced myself, "you're just wishing you smelled fries." But when I got home and opened the bag, there they were. I prayed all day for a husband, and God bought me fries. :) I guess He thought it would be okay for me to have one of the things I wanted today.

Maybe I'm crazy, but I really think He is paying attention. I hope He answers me soon... at this point, I don't really care what the answer is. I just want one.

This One's For the Girls

2009-08-08T13:05:00.008-04:00

Where is the "off" button for hormones?? That's what I want to know. A little red "x" in the corner, "End Session," "Sorry, we're closed, please come back another time."

Something... Anything.

The call to Christian singleness is not for the weak-hearted.

A few months ago I was sitting on a guy friend's couch, just watching television, and we had been having normal, if sporadic, conversation. He leans over and puts his arm around me, and in a casual tone that is usually reserved for: "do you want some popcorn?" or "can I get you something to drink?" says to me, "So... nothing below the waist, but everything else is okay, right?"

And this is what the world has come to.

Forgive my shock, I realize I am twenty-seven years old now. But the truth is, I grew up in the era of Joshua Harris' "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" ridiculousness. I am so programmed to be used to being ignored by godly men, that it sometimes surprises me when one decides to start up a conversation. And then I have to fight the 17-year-old girl in me that thinks he might be my husband because he's the only guy who's decided to pay attention to me in a very long while. And this is every guy's worst nightmare.

I still say Josh Harris ruined my life. :) Perhaps that isn't fair. It is just that I was homeschooled, so my chances of getting a date in the first place were extremely slim, and he was most certainly no help at all in that area. It seems to me that it just gave guys another excuse to do nothing, instead of take a risk...

Don't get me wrong, though. I'm all about men respecting women, and setting up boundaries, and the like. But it was as if I never got to choose... and I am not entirely certain that I appreciate that, if I am being terribly honest. And I've been in the bad habit of being terribly honest in the last few weeks. I don't really have the life I want, so I don't really have much to lose, either.

I think it didn't help that Mom got me the book for my 15th birthday. Happy Birthday, hon... welcome to the wonderful world of eternal singleness. You laugh, and truly, that is my goal. And yet... now I am twenty-seven, and alone. Coincidence? Hmmm.

I jest, of course. Mostly.

I just spent a fabulous Friday night sitting on a long-time friend's carpet eating Chinese takeout and laughing about life and men and crushes and singleness. On my drive home, I was thinking and praying about all the beautiful, incredible Christian women I know who are still struggling with their singleness, and don't know why. If this were a poker game, I would fold.

Honestly, I can't even get a guy to pay for my coffee. It is a wonder to me that Christians ever procreate at all.

This one's for all the beautiful, dedicated Christian women out there who don't have the answers. I understand, ladies. I hurt too. If I ever answer the questions myself, I promise you I will write them for the world to know.

Forgive me for my cynicism, if that is all this is. I have been lonely a long time now. I am still trying to sort it all out.

A Piece of God's Heart

2009-07-27T00:28:00.004-04:00

I am at the close of one of the best vacations I have ever had. I feel exhausted and refreshed at the same time. More hopeful about life but dreading the return to day by day in front of the computer, doing nothing of much value.

But God has bigger plans... I can hear it in the howling wind and taste it in the salt of the sea. Out here, anything is possible. Dreams are washed out to sea and brought back again, redeemed. I always find a wild piece of God's heart out here... the part that I love so deeply. My soul responds immediately to my lack of control. I lose all track of time, all sense of responsibility. I find that I can just be, and that it is enough.

I stand and face the ocean; a vast expanse of churning, crashing mystery... and yearn to know its depths. I find God in the waves, ever-constant and powerful beyond my knowledge; they might lift me up or shove me beneath the surface, and I have little or no say in the matter, but something in me cannot help but swim forward to find out...

And thus, I am renewed. I am anchored, and set back in my place. My perspective is changed, and I hope it lasts awhile this time. I need a peace that will stay around and let me rest. I need something to look forward to, something to move towards. I need to make my life into something I don't dread waking up to. I think these last few days have shown me just how much I need that. So I must work to find the way...

How quickly time passes when we least want it to. And yet, perhaps another adventure awaits me that I know nothing of just yet. And I will never find it unless I dare to dream, and risk, and face the unknown future set before me. God, make it a good one. I am ready for more of what is good...

A Sea-Change

2009-07-24T08:13:00.003-04:00

I slept deeply and woke up well, still feeling groggy but with joy inside. A good strong cup of coffee will cure the rest. I have a full day ahead, of sand and waves and laying in the sunshine. I may even attempt surfing this afternoon, if I feel so inclined...! Sometimes life is unexpectedly good. And though these times seem all too rare, I made it here, and I may yet make it a little further down the road now. I did not know how desperately I needed to recharge....

So much on my mind, still. Maybe I can get some stuff sorted out this weekend. There is one thing that bothers me more than all else, and I am trying to just let it go. Almost impossible, it seems... but I will go crazy if I don't. I want to live a life of freedom, and it hasn't allowed me to be free, so it has to go. God help me, because I cannot do it on my own.

But standing before the great ocean with the wind making a mess of my hair seems the perfect place to let it all go and start over. It will be worth it in the end. However things work out, it will be worth it to let it go now. I've just got to trust that God will work it all out in the end. I don't even want it to depend on me anymore... I have never been a fan of having too much control over my circumstances. And the more I learn to trust in God as a loving father, the more I am able to set it in his hands and let him do what he's going to do anyway, just without my interfering :)

Today it is easy. I have the ocean to tackle and the sun to soak up and good food to eat that someone else is even cooking! All I have to do is enjoy my last day of 26 and let the year go. But I must learn to trust this much every day, to let the past go and move into the unknown future in faith.

And I am ready. I am ready for a change, a deeper faith, a closer relationship. I am ready to stop trying to do it myself. I am ready to let go the most important things in my world and say: "but Your will be done..." It is easy now, and we all know how hard it becomes. But I have this day, and this is where I am now. So I'm going to go live it with all I've got, and see what happens next.

Something Old, Something New

2009-07-03T12:05:00.007-04:00

How to say what I want to say...? I'm still waking up =]

Life is going well for me, for the first time in a long time. I don't know why. I do not wish to try to explain it; my desire is just to live it well and use this chance to take a deep breath before it all changes again, as it inevitably will. That is the way Life goes for us. I no longer try to be in control, as I have found this to be useless. I only wish to let go, and enjoy the ride...

... I almost added "with arms wide open," but then realized this would then become a Creed song, and not a blog post. Ha. I was thinking about my recent trip to Six Flags, however... but I digress...

So I am rediscovering myself, and learning more about who I am every single day. I feel very stable, something I am not accustomed to. I feel alive, and joyful, like I am shedding all of the old me and letting all the newly redeemed layers show. I don't wish to resort to the overused budding flower analogy... surely there is something more creative I could compare it to? Alas...

I have gone back to some of my old loves, like soaking up the sunshine, and diving into a good novel. At the same time, though, I am trying new things at just about every opportunity I get. I feel like I stepped through some invisible door into a different life, like Alice in Wonderland. Or rather, the same life, only from another angle. It is my old life still, yet everything feels brand new and full of wonder. When I awake, I feel deeply that it is not what it used to be. And I love it.

Prayer comes easily these days, and I feel my faith growing each time I devote time to it. When I pray for people, I feel God's love for them, and I know the answers are coming soon. I felt this way long, long ago. But I had forgotten...

How I ever got away from this, or why, I may never know. All I know is, I am happy now, and wish to stay this way... always growing and learning and watching Him as the author and finisher of my faith. Is it possible to remain in this state, or do we have to lose our footing in the hard times and then come back into this new life again eventually? Does Life just ebb and flow like that, or is there a way to contain stability, and store it up? When I find out, I will let the world know ;]

I think I am understanding Fatherhood, and accepting him as a father for the first time. To be honest, I never believed I would. I just always assumed I would never get to understand God in that way, because my earthly parenting was such a mess. But here I am, finally seeing him in a different way, the way I've heard so many people talk about him. I have no idea where this road leads, but I will walk it in faith and see what happens...

Amazing to me, that just when I thought life was sterile and boring, I discover what a great adventure it can be! Perhaps there was a purpose for me after all. I used to wonder every day why God wanted a Jo in the world, and what on earth he would have wanted me for. I still do not know the answers... I am only convinced that I am part of a great story, and anxious to fulfill my role in it.

This whole change in my life happened because I decided to try some new things, and open my heart up to living again... I would encourage you, next time opportunity presents itself, just to give it a try, and see where life takes you...

The Redemption of Stupidity

2009-06-27T12:11:00.006-04:00

I realized on Friday that I'm a month away from my birthday, and that we're halfway to Christmas already. Can time really be slipping by so quickly? I wish it would chill out for awhile and let me catch up.

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to take this moment to announce that I am happy. That is not something I have often put into words in here, so I feel it is an event worth recording! I am not saying that everything is perfect, or that I've found out the meaning of life. But truly... between my circumstances, my choices, and my willingness to be still and know God, I have seen my life slowly transforming into something good.

I love it. Some of my relationships are deepening in ways I never expected, and without me having to exhaust myself with the effort of keeping them alive (crazy how that works with healthy relationships, eh?). And a lot of the ones that were unhealthy are finally slipping away into beautiful oblivion. All I had to do was choose to open my hands and let them go. I have not had one regret since making that decision... God has been infinitely good to me, despite some of the worst decisions I have ever made coming back to hurt and haunt me in recent months.

So I am left wondering, what now? I have made better choices, and found a lot of the change I had been hoping and praying for... so now I am just waiting. Not inactively, mind you, I am still exploring and growing and open to changing for the better. I am looking into taking some business writing classes, and learning sign language, and I'm still taking dance, and trying to write poetry, and volunteering at the hospital.

I am not, in any way, who I thought I would be... and perhaps that is the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I thought I knew what I wanted... but now I see that there is something better than even that. So I am content to wait and hope for it to happen in its own time.

I am confident, once again, that I am loved. There is more security in that knowledge than one might imagine. Something in me has settled recently, and seems content to stay that way. So I find myself happy, and hopeful for the future, and resting in the joy of watching the redemption of my stupidity. Perhaps someday soon I will have the courage to write openly about some of my more recent mistakes and the redemption of them. Part of me is still waiting on the end of the story, however. It is not quite ready to be revealed yet, I think.

Happy Saturday to all. I am going to go refill my coffee mug, and enjoy this day to the last drop! =]

Life is... Better.

2009-06-07T00:25:00.006-04:00

Life just doesn't make sense sometimes. Right now it is one of those seasons for me. The only difference this time is that I think I may be okay with it. I think I am at a place where, despite the chaos and confusion, and "things not going as I planned" and all of that... despite it all, I am finding that I am still okay, and still moving in a direction that I believe to be healthy.

I have done a lot of running around lately, chasing one dream or another, and I suppose I have learned a lot doing it. But I think what I have learned most distinctly is that I'm pretty okay with where my life is now. I wasn't expecting that at all. But it is very refreshing.

I find myself longing for the slower pace, the deeper conversations with my girl friends, the occasional undefined is-it-a-date-or-not outing with a guy. Really, its too exhausting to try to want more than this right now. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but I am trying to let life just be what it is, and be happy there...

I have been recently pondering whether we are who we are because we are made that way, or we are who we are because we choose to be...? I feel like I have been "more myself" in these last couple of months, where I am choosing to be and do things I've never done before, than I have ever been before. But was I already programmed to be this person...? Who knows for sure.

The point is that I feel like I am starting to live my life, stepping outside of my comfort zone, which I have found does not really hold a lot of comfort after all, only regret. And I am having a blast! Honestly, I wish I hadn't wasted so much time before I got here...

But no point looking back now... I've got the rest of my life ahead of me, and it looks like it might be beautiful...

I'm back =]

2009-05-16T16:28:00.008-04:00

The news hit me full in the face - or, really, in the heart - and I fell down hard. I was headed straight for a serious depression. And I, knowing the road well, had moments in which to react. It has been said that, two roads diverged in the woods and I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference. I am currently living the reality of poetry and song.

And so, I finally made some hard decisions, and my life has taken a better turn. I had forgotten how it feels to be okay with yourself, to live in harmony when your choices and beliefs match up. I had forgotten what it feels like to try something brand new and find that it has been part of you, hiding somewhere in your depths, all that time and you never knew it. I am finding joy in the little things again, living a life that I am no longer ashamed of, and growing miles every minute along the way. Sweet freedom has found my soul again, and I can breathe...

Once again I find myself running into the arms of a God who is tender and merciful, filled with unfailing love. Once again I am finding relationship instead of religion, and I don't know how I lost it in the first place. I don't know why I ever wanted something different than this. I find I have not rested in a long, long time. So I am learning to be still, and know...

And so... I am back, and looking for ways to live creatively, and not out of fear. I have learned this time that living your life fully is so much better than exploring even the wildest fantasy... I got caught up in a dream that shattered before my eyes, and revealed an ugly truth that all I had believed in was a lie. I am through, at long last, with the lies. I have traded them for life and hope and happiness, and the world is changed.

I have finally found again the way everlasting...

Dropping Off the Face of the Earth

2009-03-27T15:50:00.002-04:00

What an odd expression. I wonder what the face of the earth looks like? I've seen the face in the moon, but the earth? Hmm. Random thoughts.

I have been out of sorts lately. I feel a bit lost these days, and so far I have not been able to pull myself out of the funk I am in. What was I supposed to do? What was life supposed to look like? I believe there are endless possibilities out there, but I am frustrated to find myself in another job I hate, going nowhere. I have found that I get intense writer's block every time I try to update my resume. I honestly feel as if I cannot get out of this... whatever it is.

People keep telling me it's not my circumstances that need to change, but my perspective. I have given myself headaches lately, trying to talk myself out of depression, and into more positive thinking. I have not had any luck so far. I believe that what I need is a deeper understanding of truth. I have a lot of fears and false beliefs about God that no doubt interfere with my ability to correctly assess my current situation, or to develop a healthy strategy to get out of it.

Whatever the case may be, I need things to change, and soon. A better perspective, a better job, a better state of mind... whatever needs to happen. I don't really care what it is, I just want it to get better...

All that to say, I'm going through a very weird stage of life and I may be dropping off the face of the earth for awhile. Perhaps by the time I make it back, I will have some good stories and solid insights to post. Right now I just don't feel like I have much to offer.

Say a prayer for me.

Inbetweenness

2009-02-26T20:38:00.003-05:00

I hate moving. If I could have afforded to stay in this apartment, I would have stayed forever, just to keep from moving again. My shoulders are killing me right now. I'm exhausted, and frustrated, and I can't seem to focus on anything, which is why I just took a moment to sit down and write.

I have no idea how to get it all done. I would love some company, either at this place or the new house, but there is none. Just someone to hug me, or help me focus, or whatever. It's dumb, but I'm mad that I have to work tomorrow, because it would be awesome if I could sleep in a little and just get settled in my new place......

Basically, I hate the inbetweenness of my life right now. I do not do well with this part of life, and never have. So I'm kinda freaking out right now. But it will be okay... this move is a good thing. I will finally have a house! And that's awesome. It is just... unbelievably scary and completely overwhelming to me at this moment. But it will be okay...

Back to work. Wish me luck!!

Roses Are Red... And So Is That Wine I Like.

2009-02-14T16:50:00.015-05:00

I bought a bottle of wine today, to celebrate Valentine's Day, and the tax return that was so much more than I thought it would be. To most people, it is probably a minuscule amount of money, but I honestly feel like I have just won the lottery. I have been describing the emotion as "Christmas without the family drama."

I have learned, in the past few years of near poverty, to appreciate every dollar. It is one of those mysterious mixes of joy and despair, I suppose, that brings you to that place. When we are at our worst, it seems that we learn what is truly important to us. This has certainly been true in my life of late.

Anyway, it took me at least twenty minutes and a box cutter to open said bottle, not to mention the time I stood in line at Target, waiting to purchase a corkscrew that I later discovered I did not need. Apparently this particular wine has a screw-off lid. And yes, it still took me twenty minutes to open.

I would have just gone back to Walmart for the corkscrew, but the chances of coming into contact with another awkward situation were too great. I had been standing in the card aisle, trying to find something witty and generic for a co-worker's belated birthday, whom I suspect is interested, but the feeling is just not mutual... but that's a story for another time.

Back to my Walmart adventure. There was a guy next to me; tall, baseball cap, also looking at cards, and I made simple small talk about how the card writers must be running out of ideas, because the majority of them were severely lacking. I do not consider this to be a flirtatious interaction, but I know some guys who would disagree with me, and have called me a flirt just because I have a decent rapport with people I have just met.

All this to say, I eventually sighed, grabbed a card, and started to leave with what would have been my parting comment: "I guess I'll just have to go with the generic alcoholic joke card..." to which his response was, "What would I have to do to get your number?"

Interesting follow-up. I'm sure I froze in my tracks, with that homeschooler-in-the-headlights look, my mind racing to form a witty comeback or just find a way out, while he stumbled and rushed through the next few set of questions, including: "I thought people were supposed to be with the ones they loved on Valentine's Day?" (this smelt of a practiced pick-up line), "Where's your man? Do you not have anyone? What are you doing tonight? Would you want to go somewhere?" etc.

Most people resort to "fight or flight" in the midst of a threatening situation involving their pure survival. For me, all it takes is an awkward moment, such as: "Can I have your number?" and I typically bolt. I'm pretty sure I resorted to the dreadful phrase: "I'm just not looking for someone right now..." which really means: "We're in Walmart and I feel awkward, so my default is no..." but to him was probably translated: "I'm another woman rejecting you. Not in a million years would I consent to giving the likes of you my phone number." It wasn't true, but there's no changing the past.

Oh, dear. At this rate, I will see many, many more solitary Valentine's Days. Poor fellow. I should have just told him the truth, that I'm nuts and he has no idea what he's getting into by asking me out for a drink, especially on Valentine's Day. It is a bad idea for oh, so many reasons, such as I have no alcohol tolerance, and despite my best efforts, I'm not that great a kisser. But I didn't think of it in time. It was truly nothing against him. He seemed like a nice guy with a good sense of humor, if a little too forward when nervous... I just have an extremely low tolerance for awkward situations, and that definitely qualified.

I've done pretty well today, considering. And by that I mean I haven't cried yet. My mother, just last night, begged me to sign up for EHarmony.com, as if I've got just one chance and it's fading fast. I don't have anything against the website, or those who choose to use it, but I'm just not ready for that. I believe I am an odd mix of woman and child, still. I often feel weary in a way that has come much too soon for my age, and yet my outlook and experience mirror that of someone who has not yet seen much of life. What is to become of me, I have no way to know, and I have failed time and again in my attempt to explain myself to others.

I have been recently asked about my "type of guy" and I have come to the scary realization that I do not have any idea what that might be. Perhaps, despite my best efforts of self-analysation, I do not know myself well enough to be able to answer that question. I may not be as alone as I feel... it seems there are many 20-something singles out there who could echo these same ponderings of mine...

I wish a Happy Valentine's Day to all, but especially to those of us who are genuinely lost in the questions. And for those of us who aren't having nice dinners or receiving red roses from a special someone tonight, here's a toast to the awkward moments that define our days...!

The Edge of Greatness

2009-01-19T17:22:00.010-05:00

I've only got a few hours left of my 3-day weekend, and I am sad to see it go. Tomorrow I start back into the normal routine of the life I don't enjoy; the 8-5 daily grind of the job I ought to be grateful for, but have somehow lost the strength to be.

It's been a good weekend. I've just done normal weekend stuff, but with an extra day to rest and get my thoughts together. I took a walk this morning, and it snowed a little, and I just feel a sense of... I guess "peace" is too cliche... but I feel like I see life a little more clearly right now. For the first time in awhile I feel okay. And I wish, so much, that I felt this way more often.

I am on a search for a new life right now. I have grown deeply unsatisfied with what I have currently, and I am working to change it in healthy ways. As much as I don't typically like change, I would change almost everything right now if I could. I still like this city and I have great friends, but other than that... new job, new scenery, new attitude, new everything else would be awesome.

I am trying to do my part. I am making efforts to get in shape and go through all my stuff and only take what I really need into the new house. I am about to update my resume and try to find something more suited to me, and hopefully better pay as well. And even though I'm not really looking for someone, I wouldn't mind getting to the point where I at least felt date-able. Right now I feel like such a mess that I wouldn't dare getting someone else involved with me, unless they really knew what they were getting into. But maybe soon, with a little emotional construction work, I could be closer to ready for that relationship...

And God... I definitely do not feel close to God right now. I know all I need to know, but like I am constantly telling a close friend of mine: "It doesn't matter what you know, it's what you actually believe and live that makes the difference when it comes to eternity..." And I am a little mixed up about what I believe right now, if I am being honest with myself.

I told a girlfriend recently that I feel like a piece of artwork that didn't turn out right, and so got stuffed into the back of God's closet. I mean, at least He kept it. But it's not like He hung it on His wall, where it makes Him smile every day...

Of course I know this isn't truth, it is just my fragile attempt to explain my current emotional state and outlook.

I definitely feel stuck, and I definitely don't feel like I'm a valued member of God's kingdom at the moment. The financial strain and lack of creative necessity in my job has finally caught up with me. I am tired of being poor, tired of paying the minimum amount on my debts, tired of being unhappy, and tired of being, or at least feeling, like second place when it comes to God's daughters. I must find a way to change my perspective. I just wish I knew how already.

Someone I deeply respect told me just this weekend that I am not drowning, as I assumed I was, but that I am right on the edge of greatness. When she said it, it brought to memory my brief moments at the Grand Canyon, peering breathless into something infinitely bigger than I, that I wanted so much to be a part of. I picked up a few rocks, but couldn't grasp it all with just my hand, and I wanted the adventure, but knew I could not survive in the belly of it... in reality, I could only drink in with my eyes and lose myself in wonder...

Can it be? Can it really be that this isn't the end at all, that this isn't the part where I stumble, and fall, and never make it back up... but where I learn that there is something more than I have yet imagined? Am I simply staring at the wall in Plato's cave, wearily watching the same old shapes, with no knowledge of the world that is just beyond my sight? Am I about to turn around and discover light for the first time? Or is hope just another heartache waiting to happen...?

And now, another daylight is fading away, and on to another day that is so like so many before it, and yet different, and new. I do not know what to say, so I merely say a prayer, and go to bed, wishing deep down that I would wake up to another reality... and God knows this well. What he does with that desire, I suppose, is completely up to him.

Here's hoping that at what feels like the end of my rope, I find myself on the edge of greatness instead.

New Year's Resolutions

2009-01-03T11:06:00.007-05:00

I don't do New Years resolutions. Let's be honest... how often do people actually succeed at them? I guilt myself enough, so setting some unrealistic resolution would only be another recipe for failure in my life.

And yet... a new year brings about a certain thoughtfulness of what we're leaving behind and what we're hoping to head for. I suppose that's why people do it... because we have no other way of expressing the past and future we are faced with. It is like, for one day, the two aspects of time collide and leave us in wonder, with the hope of change.

I have felt stuck, lately, in my own skin and my own little world. I grow restless sometimes and want to just leave everything behind, go somewhere else and try a new life for awhile. Who doesn't, though? I just... fear, and hope, that corporate America isn't the end of the road for me. But what will change that? What could be the difference between me and the people that have been at my job for 10 or more years, still doing the same thing I've done this past year? Not knowing the answer to that question makes me give in to the haunting fears that float through my consciousness. Perhaps I am no different at all. I can't remember, even, what made me think that I was...

I've said that I'm going through a quarter life crisis. Call it what you will, but this year I looked around at my life and said: "This isn't what I really wanted... why is this it??" I thought I was supposed to be a published writer. I thought I was supposed to be married, with kids, or at least well on my way. I thought I was supposed to be making a positive difference in people's lives, being the voice for those who have none. And the desire is certainly still there... the willingness, even... so why am I going to a dead-end job every day, barely making ends meet, where one day bleeds into another, then another... and nothing is ever really accomplished or changed? If I am not who I was, but not yet who I hope to be, then who am I?

Only one year at this job, and it has already taken its toll. I have stopped reading, stopped showing up to places, stopped cleaning my apartment, and stopped looking for miracles. To some degree, I have even stopped hoping for things to change. I know I am falling back into one of my depressions; the curse of the artistic spirit. It happened exactly this time last year as well. It is, perhaps, merely a seasonal thing. I'm sure I could take some pills to numb the questions, or simply wait it out until the sun's warmth and light remind me of truth.

But right now, I am faced with the frightening reality of the question: what's the point? Why should I keep believing things are going to change, or get better, or that somehow I will motivate myself to do something different in the near future? It feels like nothing has changed in a long time. And I'll not try to hide the fact that part of me has simply given up. Not the viewpoint a Christian is supposed to have, I am sure. But I can't even live up to my own standards, so what's to make me think I will ever live up to God's?

I do not feel so sad as I may sound. In reality, I feel only numb and cynical, and like I am disappointing everyone. Perhaps I only ebb and flow with the tide of seasons, and my heart will thaw out as the sun creates longer days and warmer realities. It never fails that, at some point, something touches me from the inside out and I am inspired to a brighter outlook. I think I am about due for one...

The good news for me is that God is a God of details. If he notices the sparrow's fall, then he has noticed my heart sinking, my dreams losing their color, my motivation to stay positive waning. He notices that I am drowning in my own mind's oceans, and that a badly-lit cubicle is no place for the wild creativity of my heart to flourish. He is, no doubt, leading me to higher ground, as he has so many times before. I just have to do my best to see it.

"I lift my eyes to the hills. From whence does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." Psalm 121

Welcome, 2009, and whatever it is that you bring...

In Heavenly Peace

2008-12-25T14:42:00.005-05:00

I'm sick of my last post, which was rather whiney, being the latest thing I've put out into the world. Despite my current hardships, this Christmas has been awesome, and I am filled with the knowledge that I am very, very loved and blessed.

Right now I can hear the stomping of little feet among the mess of wrapping paper and newly discovered presents. There is nothing quite like the sound of children's laughter in the other room. A fire burns in front of me, I can smell my sister's lasagna in the oven (another Christmas day tradition), and I am taking a moment to reflect while looking forward to an evening of games and movies and my recently perfected brew of hot chocolate! Life can be a good, good thing sometimes. I am sorry that I got so caught up in the frustrations of life that I couldn't see...

And God... there is no mistaking the hand of God in all of this. Lately I have seen him differently. I have been going back to my old views of god; that impersonal, indifferent god that only cares about whether or not you're "good enough." And I knew I wasn't, so I had been slipping away...

But I forgot about the One who came quietly, in full majesty but without show, born on a regular night in a smelly, dirty, stall in a barn... to live simply, and grow up to sacrifice and save us all. I am frustrated with my lack of skill in expression... perhaps there is no way to say it well. We have grown cold to the story after so many years, it seems. All I know to say is that I feel Him, I know Him from the inside, know that He was, and is risen, and will be there always, and that He has never given up on me, and never will.

I know it today, and there will be many, many other days where I do not know it so specifically as this. But I am content with heavenly peace for the moment...

Merry Christmas, all... and may you know the joy and peace of the real God this year...

Christmas Blues

2008-12-13T11:37:00.006-05:00

I can't believe we are less than two weeks from Christmas. I have done little of my shopping and have managed to catch a few songs on the radio, but mostly my days are the same as they've always been, and it just doesn't feel like Christmas for me this year. I hope there is still time to redeem that...

I have been sitting here thinking of Christmases past, and what stands out to me most... I miss my family's odd traditions more than I ever thought I would. I don't have a tree this year. It just wasn't practical, in the midst of paying bills and all, and a couple of people even offered to buy me one, but I turned them down, for whatever reason. I almost wish I hadn't. I could use a little sparkle in my life these days...

I'm hoping to make it up to see Rock City Lights this weekend. Last year, about this time, I was near-dating someone who bought me hot chocolate at my favorite coffee shop and took me up to see the lights, and it was just... nice. Definitely very different from this year. If I can't find anyone to go with in the next few days, I'm going to go myself. I shouldn't miss out on Christmas just because I'm alone again. I never expected it to be this hard, though. I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong, either.

I hate to be all doom and despair, but it's been a rough season for me, especially in the last couple of weeks, and I've never been good at hiding it. I would love to know what my purpose is supposed to be. I would love to know if I'm going anywhere at all. I would love to know... so many things. At what point do we get to know, again?

I feel like I am missing something very important in the midst of all of this surviving. I feel like I am forgetting how to live... and I don't want to miss out. I don't want to miss my youth, or my singleness, or my friendships at work, or getting the full experience of things like Christmas. Its just not me at all to be this way. I am just tired and discouraged, and I would love someone to come along and help me see clearly again. I would love... but no, I'm not there yet, and wishing for something that isn't here will get me nowhere. I just have to turn my focus back around to the present.

At least I wasn't one of the people who got laid off... right before Christmas. That would have been terrible! Even though I don't enjoy my job, I am lucky to have one. And I did get to watch The Grinch last night, and that was of course awesome. I think this year it's more my state of mind than anything else, which means the fault is mine. *sigh* I even got upset this week because I don't think I'm getting a lot for Christmas this year, and that's just stupid. Its not about stuff, and I know it. What's wrong with me lately, I wonder?

I am severely unsatisfied with this post. I'm pretty sure no one cares about my mental meanderings in a difficult December. But I guess the point is that I want to be real, and the reality is that I'm struggling a bit this year. Is it bad that I'll be glad when Christmas is over this year? I don't think I've ever had that thought in my life! I am truly hoping this is just a phase I will outgrow very quickly...

Let's leave on a happier note, shall we:

"And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more..."

~Dr. Seuss

I love Dr Seuss!! =]

To Lose and to Seek

2008-12-06T09:35:00.020-05:00

To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal ...
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance ...
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to lose and a time to seek;
a time to rend and a time to sew;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I have had a solitary morning, waking early and having no plans until late afternoon. Have you ever found yourself alone, and realized you're someone you're uncomfortable being with? I guess, despite living on my own, I don't spend enough time with just me, because I'm discovering that I still don't know myself as well as I would like to.

It is ironic, really. I work all week wishing I were home, and here I finally have time to myself, hours of it even, and I have no idea what to do. I flee to the refuge of writing, because it is the only well I have drawn from that has not, at some point, come up dry. And that is only because I believe it to be a gift to me from the direct and purposeful hand of God. But how exactly I am to use it, I still do not know. I have alway believed those answers would reveal themselves in time, and now I secretly wonder if time is just going to waste...

Winter has been making itself abundantly clear, like that person at the party who feels they need more attention. No matter how high I turn up the heat I am still chilled to the core, so I've taken to wearing hoodies inside and saving on my electric bill. Not exactly my idea of a good time. The only good thing about the cold is that it makes a hot cup of coffee that much better, for it is suddenly both delicious as well as functional. I have found that I love something more, and am so much more satisfied, when I am filled up after need instead of just desire. Perhaps that is why God has been allowing me to need so much lately. If I ever make it to a season of filling, I will be that much more appreciative of the change.

So where do I go from here? I am back to having to make the big decisions, and choose the course of my life as best I can. People are getting laid off at work, and there is talk of the jobs that are left being outsourced to India. My lease is up after Christmas, and there is that little voice inside that I had effectively silenced for a year, making an unwelcome return: "You know... you could just go..."

I could, perhaps. But lets not be ridiculous. Go where? Even if I could get a nanny job somewhere far away, the economy is bad, and jobs are scarce, and who knows if I would be any happier somewhere else? But does that mean I should stay in an uncertain work environment that I do not enjoy, sign another year lease on an apartment that is functional, but not home? Does staying where I am automatically mean stagnant existence? Or does God have something just around the corner, if I can just endure this for a little bit longer...?

I don't know. Am I supposed to know? Because I rarely ever know. Sometimes I think I'm lousy at faith. Its not that I don't have enough, but that I believe in the wrong things, the wrong people or circumstances. If my life were not redeemed, and surrendered to the Holy God and to discovering his plan for me, I would be doing things completely differently. I know that for sure. I can't say for sure that I would be any happier, but I would definitely not keep waiting on dating someone... I get so sick of being alone, day after day after day. But I know married individuals who still have lonely days, so I'm trying to just be faithful to the season of singleness that I seem to have been handed. But I'm not even going to try to pretend that it doesn't tear me apart sometimes.

But... when it all comes down to it, I'd rather endure people's questions, and funny looks, and misunderstanding, and do what I know in my heart to be right, than to "conform to the world" as they say, and have to live my life disappointed in myself, always wondering what could have been if I had waited just a bit more.

I know that I may not end up with a great guy at the end of all this waiting. I may just end up with a lot of questions and a house full of cats. But at least I won't end up selling out on my dreams, trying to navigate life with a guy who isn't in tune with the spiritual side of me, because that is where I find my creativity, where I am renewed, where I find the strength to forgive and love despite how I feel. I would live only a half-life if I were to be denied intimacy on that level. And I have worked so hard for so long to be whole again.

I honestly don't see how people do relationships without God. I just don't see how it would be possible. Even with God, I fight with my selfishness and baggage and messed up perspective. Who I would be without Him, I don't even want to know.

I don't really know how to wrap this up. My heart is confused, and a little lonely and lost. Have I done the right thing, in living my life the way I have? I would love a little Supernatural reassurance right now...

Chasing Rainbows

2008-11-22T12:11:00.005-05:00

There is no metaphor here. I literally chased a rainbow last weekend, and caught a few moments of magic in the process. I needed it, too. I desperately needed a chance to believe again; a glimpse of the impossible made possible. These are difficult times for many.

God is good, but sometimes very hard to see when your eyes have been clouded by the pain of this world.

It was a cloudy day, and had rained earlier. I was in the car with a group of friends, heading down a mile of memories, just laughing and enjoying the simplicity of a day off with good company and conversation. All of a sudden someone said: "Look! Look outside at the rainbow!!" and I caught my breath in sheer wonder at the sight. I have never seen one so close or so clear before. It was right before our eyes, and close enough that we could... almost... see the end of it.

No one really knew what to do. It felt shockingly out of place in the midst of our crazy, busy, stressful lives. I made a joke about using the pot of gold to pay off my loans and go back to London. But really there were no words for it, and deep in my soul, something that had been restless was quieted again, and a little of the veil was lifted off my eyes for awhile.

I am amazed at how easy it is to lose sight of things; to get caught up in the daily grind, the fear of layoffs at work, paying the next bill, and wondering when a lasting relationship will find you, or if that even happens anymore. It is easy to forget about simple beauty, and the basic need we have to believe beyond what we can see, and the thrill of that which is out of reach of our understanding and control. In this moment I am grateful to have the privelege of knowing an infinite God, who does not give me everything I want, but has complete knowledge of what I truly need.

People often tell me that I over analyze things. I am still pondering the rainbow, wondering what it meant and how I can teach myself to believe again. I am still hoping for a better life, not just more money and more stuff, but how to live in contentment and joy despite my circumstances, how to bring the light of hope into people's lives, how to write something compelling and relevant to this new generation... if I am ever able to do so.

Upon brief examination of my 26 years of existence, I can honestly say that I have always been chasing rainbows. There is some part of me that, no matter how bad things have gotten, has managed to keep believing beyond the dark shadow of reason or practicality or "reality." No matter how many bad choices I make, God seems to have chosen to protect and preserve that heart in me... I just do not know to what end.

I wonder when, if ever, it will be made known to me what my purpose is? Is there any point to all of this? There must be. I know there must be. But I just cannot see it yet. I suppose I should just keep praying for direction and trying to make good decisions and looking for the rainbows along the way.

Is it too much to ask for a companion though? Is it wrong of me to desire such things? The road gets so hard sometimes. And chasing rainbows alone is only half as fun, I am guessing, as sharing the experience with someone who also sees what cannot be seen at first glance.

But... that is not what I have been given for this season. So I guess I just keep on keeping on for now. Wish me luck on the way to finding that pot of gold. You never know when my day might come, at last.

Weary Days

2008-11-12T22:05:00.002-05:00

The days have grown cold and crisp, the leaves have all turned into radiance, and are letting go, one by one, to the playful breeze. I have begun to just bundle up, grab my coffee to go, and frequently forget to stop and take a deep breath.

The sun is just coming up when I leave for work, and setting as soon as I get off. I miss daylight in the evenings and sunshine on my skin, and layering tank tops. Yet Autumn and Winter are just a different perspective on beauty. I will also miss them when they go.

Lately I have felt like I have lost my way. You know that instant you realize that you are honestly and truly lost and don't know how to find your way back to something familiar? I don't know how to find my way back. But maybe I'm not supposed to find something familiar. Maybe I am supposed to take another risk and step out into something new.

It is terrifyingly obvious to me that this season of my life is coming to an end. I'm not ready for it to end. But I, like the leaves, seem to have no say in when the letting go happens. I just hope I find a safe place to crash before long...

The restlessness is stirring up in me again, and I just stand here in practical helplessness, because there are bills to pay, and a lonely gray cubicle I have to fill in order to pay them. I have a lot of dreams, but I have already begun to see them fading, already felt the inevitable cynicism taking over the timid optimist in me. Perhaps I need a good fiction novel to help me keep my head on straight.

I am surrounded by people at work who are in the same boat I am in. Am I not the one that's supposed to be showing them how to live this well because I have been redeemed? Instead I have blended in with the crowd and taken to just surviving every day, as if I have not been filled with a spirit of hope, or tasted living waters.

Once again, I have no answers, merely observations. Tomorrow is just another passing day on the calendar. Or would be, without God. And I just don't feel Him very close tonight. I am weary of working, and weary of dreaming, and weary of disappointment and mistakes. I am weary of myself tonight.

But maybe He knows things that I don't know just yet. So I will try to get up in the morning and believe...

Ponderings of a Ragamuffin

2008-11-01T23:22:00.007-04:00

I can't tell you how many incomplete posts I have sitting under my "Edit Posts" tab. I'll start them, get distracted, plan on coming back and finishing them, and then I never come back and finish them. I have found myself in a very frustrating season of incompleteness. The half-full aspect of my life has become very apparent to me, and I am at a loss as to how to fill it up again.

Of course I know the Sunday school answers. And there is some validity to those. But isn't there something practical I can do as well? Or is pursuing and trusting God the only thing that will make the gaps in my world start to shrink?

I am speaking generally on purpose, because I am too chicken to talk about what is bothering me specifically. But basically, I just feel empty, or half-filled, or unfinished, or all of the above. There is a little part of me that even feels short-changed, though admitting that is scary, because the truth is that I am blessed and I know it, or ought to, and don't want what I have to disappear on account of my ungratefulness. But maybe God doesn't work that way, and that's just my legalistic background talking.

I have found that there is a type of unfilled that keeps us running to God for filling, and that is the good kind. And then there is the kind that I have recently identified in myself, that is just a source of pain and frustration, and drives me to cope instead of live. And I hate that with a deep and mighty passion.

I've surprised myself with the way I have handled people and situations in my life lately. I am not entirely comfortable with how my stress and sadness has been effecting those around me, or how my response to said stress is reflecting Christ. I do not feel like I am a very good witness right now. And I'm not doing anything particularly bad, but neither am I doing any particular good, and that in and of itself is probably bad.

I am truly overwhelmed, and deep-down sad, and incapable, perhaps, of being a help instead of a hindrance to the people I care about. I want very much to be successful, and make good decisions, and bring light and joy into people's lives. Instead I have been angry, disgruntled, and even leaning towards bitter, depending on the day and the person I am dealing with. I know I probably just need more time with God and a clean apartment and more sleep, and that would most likely cure the majority of my problems. But none of that is as easy as I would like it to be. And why do I expect life to be easy anyway??

I'd like to do a study (and by that I mean I'd like someone else to do a study) on how many times the Bible says "take heart" or "be encouraged" or "do not fear" because I'm pretty sure it says it a lot. And the truth is that that's because Jesus didn't come to make perfect people more perfect, but came for people like me, ridiculous and sinful and wallowing in self-pity, desperate for salvation, desiring to be filled, and needing to be made new again.

We are ragamuffins, all of us. There is just too much of me and not enough of Him hiding underneath this skin of mine. I have grown weary of myself, and I am the one person I can never get away from. It is abundantly clear to me that I need something other than myself, my stuff, and even my friends in order to find serenity, joy, and strength for each new day.

How is it that something can be so crystal clear and so difficult to change at the same time? It is as if I can see straight to the bottom of an infinitely clear pool, but I stand stupidly on the shore with the knowledge that I cannot swim, and therefore cannot attain the prize at the bottom.

I don't know that I have any answers tonight. I may have just needed to confess my abundant weakness as a cry for help or comfort in a dry and weary season. Perhaps I am currently wandering in the desert, and the promised land does exist, but I haven't quite made it there yet. My downfall is often that I assume if it's not here it's not anywhere, and that is a false assumption.

If it is true that I am in a desert season, then I can say for sure that I hate the desert. Is it arrogant of me to say that I hope God knows what He's doing? Because I really hope God knows what He's doing with me right now. I am not sure that I would lead me down this road this soon. I am not certain that I'm going to make it through to the other side. But maybe that's the point.

I only hope that the blessing I long for is close, and worth the pain of waiting in the end.

Come quickly, Lord.

What's in a Name

2008-10-22T21:49:00.004-04:00

I haven't written in a long time, and that's been tough for me. I can feel everything pent up inside, begging me for an outlet. I just haven't slowed down long enough to get my thoughts in order. And a lot of people have suggested I get a part time job right now to help with finances. That would be great, if there were an extra me running around somewhere. But I have a hard time getting everything accomplished as it is. I can't imagine adding another unbreakable obligation to the schedule!

So maybe I will write about nothing of importance, but simply write to be back in the habit of writing. There was a time when I wrote every single day. I have a shelf full of journals to prove it. But now I work a full time job, and its amazing how time flies, and stress drives you to be someone you never thought you would face in the mirror every morning.

I have discovered this year that I am not who I thought I was, and capable of just about any evil known to man. I am a disappointment even to myself. But my name, Joanna, means "God is gracious" and I believe it. It is that grace that I cling to every time I awaken to curse my alarm clock, every time I lose my temper with a co-worker, every time I cry myself to sleep over unlived dreams and financial hardship and brokenhearted friends.

All will be well, and all will be well, and all manner of things will be well...

This is a season of harvest, or is supposed to be. I love Autumn, and I have not yet immersed myself in the beauty of it, allowing myself to be refreshed by the mystery of the season. I have not gone on one hike, nor taken the time (and gas money) for my favorite drive through the mountains. On occasion, I grab a pumpkin spiced latte in the drive-thru before work, or burn an apple pie candle in the half-hour I am actually in my apartment before bed, but mostly I find I just keep pushing myself more and more, and now October is already coming to an end. And nearly every weekend in November is full already, in some manner or another, and then December, with all of its chaos.

But I have not given up on the promise of this season, or of new hope in the midst of the turmoil of my current state of living. God can do anything, His grace enough for my every mistake and even purposeful sinning. There is no end to it. His mercies are new every morning. I discovered them just today, when there was a system glitch at work and my production, which I had been so worried about, nearly doubled, which bought me time to work through some of the harder things that had been just sitting around, also stressing me out. Coincidence? When I had just prayed about it all this very morning? You tell me.

I don't really even know what to say, other than I have not yet given up. There is always, always, always hope. No matter how quickly life seems to be going by, or where I thought I would be when I was 26, or what's going to happen to this country I call home, God is gracious, and all will be well. In that I hold firm.

Tomorrow is a new day, and one I intend to live a little more consciously than today. If people see nothing else in my life, I hope that they see God's abundant grace to a sinner such as I.

And I'm finally going to get to bed early tonight! =]

I Wonder Sometimes About the Outcome...

2008-10-06T06:17:00.009-04:00

If there is any way possible, I am going to bed early tonight, because I have not slept nearly enough in the past couple of weeks to be capable of handling the basic issues of life. I know that much for sure. If only there was a job where I got paid to sleep at least 40 hours a week... with mandatory overtime! I don't think I would ever be unemployed again.

My life seems to be out of my control at the moment. And that's fine. That will have to be fine with me, because if I know God, I may as well let go now and save myself the trouble of skinned knees...

There are a billion other things I am supposed to be doing right now. I can't seem to motivate myself to do any of them, and I still haven't figured out why. One thing I know for sure is that I'm glad I'm not dating anyone right now. I can barely keep track of what's going on with me and my kitten, much less anything outside of my little apartment. I'm pretty sure I'd be the meanest girlfriend ever in this stage of life.

I keep joking with people about how I'm having a quarter-life crisis. You know it's bad when your life starts feeling like a John Mayer song. It's just that most of the things I thought I wanted in life, even things that I've wanted my entire life so far, I have recently discovered I may not want anymore. Living alone has allowed me to take a good, long, honest look at who I am, and explore who I might hope to be. And what I've found isn't at all what I expected to find...

One thing that really scares me is that I am much older in years than I am in life experience. Someone recently pointed out to me that I'm closer to thirty now than twenty. And I'm sure that's significant somehow, but honestly I know what I've been through and I know that I've really just started my life, and there's nothing I can do now about the past. I'm sick of trying to catch up, and I think I'm in the process of learning how to just stop trying.

It seems I have finally learned that there is a line between giving up and letting go that I had never taken notice of before.

I think I may be searching for direction once again. I keep threatening to reinvent myself, complete with hair dye, funky glasses, and dressing even weirder than I already do. I think I've proclaimed to everyone and their mother that I'm definitely not into dating right now. And I'm pretty sure that anyone paying any kind of attention knows that I rely daily and heavily on the sure grace of God...

But what am I supposed to be doing? Where am I supposed to be going? Who am I supposed to be? Is there something I was supposed to have done by now? They are age-old questions with no definitive answers.

This is definitely an interesting and unexpected season. I am curious to see who comes out at the end of it.

I guess you could say that: "I wonder sometimes about the outcome of a still verdict-less life."

A Season For Change

2008-09-22T19:17:00.012-04:00

Today is the first day of Fall. I stand amazed at the coming of a new season. It seems that I, with my head in the clouds, had not noticed the gentle passing of the long days of summer. And now I have awakened to find them gone...

I do not feel ready to see summer's end, yet with each new season comes fresh opportunity through the mysterious beauty of change. I have learned, through the years behind me, to welcome it with cautious curiosity for what it may bring.

I am in the midst of my own dying season in life. It is passing through my fingers like sand, more quickly, even, as I try to grasp it tighter. There is no way to slow its progress, nor time to mourn the loss of it. I am swept away into new moments, new days, a new perspective and a newer version of myself. The old is passing away, the new is coming, whether I am ready or not.

It is strange to me that I am not more connected with what is going on around me. Autumn has long been my favorite season, the color and scent and feel of it, and normally I am the first to greet it with open arms, while others still complain of a longing for warmer days. But this year it has caught me off guard. I have been too preoccupied with typical days at the office, my financial struggles, and the inability to make my life what I desire it to be. Perhaps I am trying to control too much... all I typically end up with is disaster.

This week I am committing to getting more sleep and getting my place in order. I need to start running and writing again, and I need to do more things I enjoy, spend more time with myself, and try not to overbook my schedule anymore. Easier said than done. But I am sick of the chaos, and so I have to do what I can to slow it all down, and only take on what I can handle.

I do not want to miss another season. So on this first, new day, I'm reevaluating what's important, and pausing to make some changes.

Perhaps I will even get a fresh start with some things. What better season for change could there be than this?

A Good Day

2008-09-11T21:46:00.004-04:00

This is a beautiful evening. I am the kind of tired that's a blessing, because I know it means I will sleep well tonight. And I really need a good, solid night's sleep more than anything else right now.

Yesterday was a big day for me, and even though I am tired, I had to take the time to post an update. I got my first article published on an online newsletter. And now, whenever people ask me what I want to do, and I tell them I want to write, and that inevitable question follows, I can finally answer: "Yes. I write for..."

Life is a beautiful, beautiful thing at times. I just fulfilled a lifelong dream, and right now, anything seems possible. I wonder if there is a way to feel this all the time? If there is a way, I'll do my best to find it...

Writer's Block Continued...

2008-09-07T15:02:00.007-04:00

I have been a bit stressed of late. I wish I could explain why, in intricate detail, and poetically, but my inspiration seems to have gone on strike. I can't imagine what its demands must be. More sleep, probably. More time to myself to think, more reading, more laughing. No more stressing about finances. Yeah... right.

I have been fighting myself a lot lately, trying to hold my life together while it rips apart at the seams... I am, of course, being dramatic, because I know it only feels that way. In reality, I am blessed, and secure in the hands and grace of Almighty God. But I can't feel it right now, so I am scared and stressed out nonetheless.

I have worked hard recently to get my apartment clean and keep it that way, in order to reduce the stress. It is a daily battle that I often lose, however. I have had several bad days this week, which I continue to blame on lack of sleep. I rarely make it to work when I want to (I am blessed to have a job where there really isn't an "on time," I just have to get my 40 hours in), I frequently spill my coffee somewhere between my apartment, my car, and my business, and I've taken to cursing at my cats when they get in my way... the list goes on.

What I am really trying to say here is that I am frustrated with life, and feel completely overwhelmed. And my writing (or lack thereof) reflects that.

It all started when my school loans came due. Every month, after the bills were paid, and life was lived, I had about $100 left over, which went to savings. Now, with a $200 loan payment, I have absolutely nothing going into savings, and I have to be very careful about my spending elsewhere as well.

It may just come down to me getting a second job, like at Starbuck's or Barnes & Noble or something. But I'm already tired as it is, so I'm not sure how that would work. I am hoping that somewhere in all of this, God has a beautiful plan for it to work out. :) I am just struggling to see it right now.

It's just funny to me what I had planned for my life. By now I was supposed to be a thriving nanny in another country, writing stories and dating some cute British guy with a fantastic accent, who knew more than I do about literature. I was going to have my loans paid off in ten years, max. And then I was going to get married, travel, and get a book published before I started having kids. Ha!

I suppose it could all still happen. But it looks like my world is going to be a lot different than that for a good long time. Unless there's a miracle approaching that I don't know about. But the good news is, I am extremely adaptable, and I love Chattanooga deeply. I love my church, and my friends, and I can accept my job for a season. I don't have to give up on all my dreams simply because they haven't been handed to me just yet. I just get discouraged because most of the things I want intensely feel very much out of reach right now.

It just makes me wonder if I'm doing anything of value at all in this season. All I want is to live it well, to love people well, and to become a woman who delights the heart of God. Perhaps I am closer than I feel right now. Probably this melancholy is nothing that a good night's sleep and a creative, well-written children's book series wouldn't cure. I intend to invest in both very soon.

Here's hoping the next post will be more inspired and uplifting. I need to get some stuff done before the work week begins anew.

Writer's Block

2008-08-29T06:52:00.004-04:00

Typically, when I have a billion things on my mind, it helps to write about them. Lately, though, for some reason, I've sat down to write and there's nothing. No inspiration whatsoever. I'm not exactly sure why.

All I know is that I need some time away from the routine of my life. I have been frustrated and tired and working overtime, and I just need it all to stop for a few days.

So this weekend I am going on a single's retreat with my church, and I know that somewhere underneath all of this exhaustion, I am excited. I was yawning as I typed that, however...

Wish me luck, say a prayer for me, and let's hope the writing comes back when I do!

Thanks for reading. :)

Welcome To Joanna!

2008-08-04T21:50:00.022-04:00

While on vacation, inspired by two of my closest friends, I started writing a list of things I want to do in the next few years of my life. And the best part is, the more I come up with, the more I get excited about living these next years!

Here's a classic example: On our way back through South Carolina, heading to Tennessee, I spotted a sign for the town of Joanna, and casually mentioned that I've always thought it would be funny to stop there and take pictures in front of the various signs of my namesake town.

I have become so accustomed, in my lifetime, to thinking and talking about my desires and then going on about my average day without doing anything about them, that I was shocked when my friend immediately, and without question, took the exit.

My heart was pounding. We were really going to go! I have been passing that exit for over a decade now, every time reading the sign, laughing to myself, and wanting to stop and take pictures. And suddenly, there we were, digging for a camera in the back seat of her car outside the not-so-classy-looking Joanna Dollar! It was fantastic.

We were then on a hunt for something truly sketchy, like a Joanna Body Shop or a massage parlor or something, and our efforts were highly rewarded upon the discovery of the Joanna Men's Club. Jackpot!

Needless to say, one of my new favorite photographs includes me standing blissfully before a huge sign that reads: Welcome to Joanna!

Welcome, indeed. It is my new tag line for life. I am becoming convinced that my life need not be mediocre and dull, simply because my job is boring and I am financially forced to live simply for awhile. Life was meant for living, and living well. There is truly an abundant life right before my eyes, if only I am willing to reach out and grab it!

So here are a few of the ways I will be attempting to live my life a little better in the coming years. A few of them have recently been checked off, but I'm including them anyway as a reminder that these things can be achieved if I put my mind to them. This, of course, is not a comprehensive list, because of the personal nature of some of my desired accomplishments, however it should give you an idea of the fun I will be having very shortly. Feel free to join me, or just mooch off my list, if any of these sound appealing :)

I have always wanted to...

* Stop in Joanna, South Carolina, and take pictures! (check!!)

* Fly to London for the day; see a few sights, catch a play, grab a meal in a pub, and come home.

* Be kissed in a Starbucks (No joke. Long story...) (check!! 04/13/11).

* Take dance lessons (check!! 05/12/09).

* Grow sunflowers (they're my favorite).

* Have an indoor cat (check!!)

* Learn how to sculpt.

* Get published! (Hallelujah! 09/10/08! Check it out: http://www.goodfortunesoap.blogspot.com/)

* Hug a koala bear.

* Try snowboarding.

* Become debt-free (sigh).

* See a life transformed.

* Spend an entire night on the beach.

* Live on my own (check!!)

* Paint a mural on a wall.

* Have my own Christmas tree! (this is gonna be the year...)

* Hike across New Zealand.

* Teach a child to read.

* Be completely and totally spoiled on a date (sadly, I have absolutely no control over whether or not this ever happens) (check :) 2011)

* Go skinnydipping (Lol! Even my Grandmother has done this and I still haven't!!!)

* Buy a brown suede couch (CHECK!!! 05/18/09).

* Learn how to cook. Well. (check! 2011)

* Swim with dolphins.

* Write and illustrate a children's book.

* Inspire someone to write a song about/for me. (CHECK!! 08/10/08. Thanks bro!! There's always room for one more, though...)

* Karaoke in public (my brother's condo, sadly, does not count, or this would be a check!)

* Read every Shakespeare play.

* Return to the Grand Canyon, and stay for several days this time instead of 20 minutes.

* Go to a Weezer concert!

* See a white Christmas (I think I stole this from someone, but I can't remember who. Thanks for the idea, whoever you are!!) (check 12/25/10... beautiful!! :))

* Memorize the constellations and the stories behind them. (Bought a Starfinder w/ constellation legends on 08/07/08!!)

* Love someone who doesn't deserve it (Beauty and the Beast is such a good story!).

* Attempt surfing while in Hawaii.

* Try "moonshine." (check! 2010)

* Fly first class!

* Kiss a guy who had no idea I was going to kiss him (I realize this could backfire horribly...) (Check! 2011)

* Play the slot machines in Vegas (betting on that beginner's luck...)

* Smoke a cigar (check!! 08/17/08).

* Have that conversation with my Dad.

* Take up charcoal and chalk pastels again (I used to be pretty good).

* Watch the sun rise and set over the ocean in the same day.

* Find my happy ending...

... and that's just the beginning! Come back in a day or two, and I'll have added more! :)

Post your favorite "I have always wanted to...'s" in the comments box!
Happy living!!!

Segue To the Real World

2008-07-29T16:59:00.005-04:00

So, I am back from my vacation, and back to what we dare to call "the real world." (I, of course, don't believe it for a second! But there's no point in arguing that right now.)

I spent almost the entire day of this last day "off" running errands, and cleaning, and general preparing for the daily grind to start back up. I have found, since living on my own, that coming home from work isn't so bad if you don't have to come home to a horribly messy place. So I've spent the last three hours cleaning, and I happened to make some decent progress! It's certainly not perfect, but I wouldn't be quite so embarrassed to have someone stop by unexpectedly anymore. It does happen on a rare occasion. I wish it happened more often, however. Especially when I can impress them with my cleanishness! :)

And so... twenty-six, so far, has not been so bad. In fact, my new perspective and brighter outlook on the year to come has made these days rather nice. It is amazing what a twinge of hope will do for the soul. But now I'm starting to sound like some lame Spiritual self-help book, so I must stop immediately for fear of losing my own dinner!

Tomorrow I'll be back to work, and that will be challenging and fun all at the same time. I think I have settled into this season pretty well. I am curious to see the changes that God will inevitably be bringing my way soon. I am actually shocked that things have been so... normal... for so long. Stability is so unfamiliar to me that it sometimes makes me uncomfortable.

Speaking of tomorrow, I've still got stuff I need to do before heading to bed. And I really need to get some good sleep tonight. Farewell!

Bob Marley at the Beach

2008-07-25T10:19:00.006-04:00

I highly recommend spending your birthday at the beach. I'm having a blast!

Yesterday, after waking up, we went to the Isle of Palms and just walked for miles. I feel so blessed just to be here, taking in the many sensations of sand beneath my toes and cool, salty water rushing around my ankles; the wind giving my hair that clumpy "beach look" that I like to pretend looks sexy, and not just unwashed.

And today I know that God is good.

I have always been in love with the ocean. My deeply romantic heart doesn't stand a chance against it's depth of beauty and mystery. No matter how cynical or sad I have become before I reach the shore, as soon as I stand before the rolling sea again, the stony walls around my heart have crumbled, and I am left in vulnerable awe.

So I will let the ocean work its magic in me, renewing me and washing the callouses off my heart again, leaving me empty and thirsty for more of God's beauty. I will search for buried treasure in the sand, and emerge with a heart intent on believing again... perhaps the greatest treasure to be found.

Another year older, but with a fresh perspective to face the coming challenges. And deep in my heart, I feel like this is going to be a good year. In fact, I know it will be.

Driving back from our day at the beach, we put in a Bob Marley CD... perfect timing and a perfect fit for the moment. And for the first time in months, I was completely and utterly content with my life.

As Bob said: "I'm happy inside, all of de time... 'feel like a sweepstakes winna..." =]

Here's to twenty-six!

Dissection of a Mustard Seed

2008-07-09T21:43:00.010-04:00

Risk is by far my least favorite board game. In fact, I became so upset the first time I played, that I have never attempted to play again. No exaggeration. There are still memories of a college Christmas break darkened by the devastation of my entire elf army when one of us received a Lord of the Rings themed Risk game from Santa. I do not believe I am one to hold a grudge under normal circumstances, but in this case I still feel a twinge of leftover frustration at the very thought...

And so goes my life. I hate the rolling of the die, not knowing what you will get when it comes to that inevitable and influential stop. For many, many years, like so many others, I had decided that I would be better off not playing, than to take the risk... and lose.

Although I would consider myself a bit of a social butterfly, I tend to be quite chameleon-like, becoming an awkward observer or a wallflower with little or no notice. For example, I am in my element at any social function, standing in the midst of it all but focusing on one or two people, having a deep discussion about past, present, and future life struggles and hopes. But then someone will decide that we're all going to play some game, or turn some music on and start to dance, and immediately I will find an inconspicuous corner from which to cower, hoping no one will force me to bring out the head or stomach ache excuse in order to avoid actually participating in said activity.

I have often made jokes in these situations that blame my social awkwardness on homeschooling. But I can no longer hide behind the overused stereotype, which is really only half-truth anyway. The real truth is that I am utterly terrified of risk-taking in most forms. I am not afraid of funky fashions, ridiculous socks, putting my foot in my mouth, or speaking even the most embarrassing truths aloud. I am not even afraid of snakes. But I am a coward in every sense of the word when it comes to taking risks with life decisions.

I told my brother recently, in a brief online chatting session, that my baggage cart was full when I first received it (parental dysfunction being the common cold of the family unit these days), so why would I want to risk adding more to the already heaping piles by my own choice? That just doesn't make sense. But the truth is that life without risk is impossible, if you desire to have any kind of life at all. And what is faith, really, but risk on a Supernatural level?

The Bible is actually quite encouraging on this matter. Loosely translated, if your faith is as big as a mustard seed, it says, you will say to this mountain, "move" and the mountain shall tumble. Just think about that for a minute...

I have a close friend who does not believe that God is personal, or interested in our daily struggles, delights, or the mountains we face. Supposedly He created us, set us down here, and has taken a "hands off" approach ever since. Though he is dear to me, I am certain that my friend is terribly wrong. Have you ever actually seen a mustard seed? Any God who knew to use a mustard seed to describe the kind of faith I possess must know me intimately. And despite the intensity of my fears, I have been known to move a mountain or two with my wee little mustard seeds of faith.

I believe this goes hand-in-hand with the short verse hidden in the Psalms that says: "Be still, and know that I am God." It is one of my favorites. I grew up in the kind of church where it was all about performance; what you did or didn't do, and you were always trying, trying, trying to grow as a Christian and be a Christian, and all that mattered was what you did for God... it makes me feel infinitely tired just to write about it.

I am doomed to failure without grace, because there are months (as you know by now if you're a regular reader) where I can barely remember to pay my bills, and get my 40 hour work week in, and leave my apartment somewhat presentable in the morning. Add the pressure of saving souls or being perfectly sinless to that list, and I may as well go on to heaven now before I add any more disastrous failures to it. The truth surely does set you free, for I am blessed by the knowledge that such a list is nonexistent.

I love this, though... another translation of the same verse reads: "Cease striving, and know God." Though simple, it is one of the most difficult truths I have to accept. I have lived enough, and failed enough, and cried enough, and run back to God enough in the last couple of months that I am ready to give up. In a good way. I am ready to give up me getting in the way of what God is doing. I am ready to cease striving... and find God there.

And that is one of the scariest risks I know to take. But I suppose I might have about a mustard seed sized faith left, so I may as well turn and face the mountain...

I am finding, though it has proven to be a frighteningly treacherous path, that each new step of faith, each risk, grows another seed and reveals a higher mountain. What are we to do, but take the next step in the direction of the towering peak, and with our small measure of faith, simply utter the word "move"?

The Fine Art of Procrastination

2008-06-28T12:09:00.007-04:00

Some people do not realize that procrastination is an art form. If you are one of those people (usually A types), go ahead and get back to whatever the heck you really need to be doing. I can guarantee you that all of this is just a waste of time. For those of you who welcome a good waste of time, please... read on! :)

I spent the entire day Saturday procrastinating. It was fantastic. I had not realized my procrastinistic maturity, however, until it was about 5:30, and not only had I not accomplished anything I had intended to, but I was simultaneously going to be late for hanging out with my friends. Awesome. I am more skilled than I had realized. It's bad when you can't even make yourself do things you want to do!

Wikipedia says this: "Procrastination is a type of behavior which is characterized by deferment of actions or tasks to a later time. Psychologists often cite procrastination as a mechanism for coping with the anxiety associated with starting or completing any task or decision."

Yeshh. I must agree. The anxiety associated with cleaning and rearranging my entire apartment before Thursday has proven itself to be one tough beast. It is now Sunday, and I am still hard at work, doing anything I can possibly do... except clean.

Here's what I did accomplish throughout the day:

Saturday morning, 9:00am: Called my mother.

10:30ish: Started to unload the dishwasher (I say "started," because the first item taken out happened to be a bowl, making me realize I was hungry).

10:32: Abandoned worthy task for a bowl of cereal. Left freshly used bowl with the other dishes in the sink, therefore creating more work for myself for later. *sigh*

11:ooish: Scooped the cat litter (no matter how much anxiety I have about anything, this is a neccessary course of action for obvious reasons).

11:15: Called my sister to hear about her trip to Disney.

12:30: Wandered into my bedroom and thought about hanging up my clothes. Noticed that the dimples in the rubber handle of my hammer had gunk in them. Got gunk out using a metal nail file (I was getting desperate by this point).

1:00ish: Called my other sister.

1:30: Repainted my toenails.

1:40: Sorted through some of my old makeup. Decided to try it out.

2:00ish: Looked up the word "procrastination" on Wikipedia and decided to blog about it... :)

2:30 - 5:30: While online, I remembered an old online cartoon that used to be one of my favorite forms of procrastination in college. Went to http://www.homestarrunner.com/ where I spent nearly 3 hours doing nothing but amuse myself by reading SBmails. Good stuff.

So you get the picture. Of course I accomplished many more meaningless tasks, such as showering, putting on clothing, and probably all kinds of other things that I've forgotten by now, but this is just a general overview. If only I could turn this talent of mine into some sort of career...

I would end up a rich, rich woman! :) And I could also introduce myself as an Artistic Procrastinator, which would just be awesome. I could have weekly workshops, where on-task, A type people could get help and learn how to spend an entire day doing absolutely nothing of value...

Now I've got my imaginative wheels turning. I think I'm going to go make myself a cup of coffee and get to another day of preventing myself from cleaning...

Coffee Grounds and Cat Litter

2008-06-24T17:01:00.008-04:00

Don't judge me. I have never claimed to have my life together. But I can honestly say that I am doing the best I can...

It all started on the way to work this morning. I was supposed to stop by the trash compactor and throw my trash out. Seems simple enough. One would think. But I forgot. I have been forgetting all kinds of things lately. I haven't quite reached the fearful "turning into my mother" stage, but I am coming dangerously close. Which reminds me... I think my electric bill is due on the 23rd... which was yesterday...

So anyway, I accidentally left my bag of trash in my car. All day. In the heat. So after a long and somewhat stressful day at work, I re-entered my vehicle to the overwhelming smell of stale coffee grounds... and cat litter. Let me just tell you, ladies and gentlemen, do not try this at home.

It is times like these that I wonder very seriously where my life is going.

Needless to say, I've been trying to set some realistic goals. And I do mean realistic. I am finally convincing myself to get my head out of the clouds and accept some things. Not to say that I'm selling out on my dreams. But by now I am certain that I will never have all of the things I want, so it is reasonable to take a good long look at what I am capable of achieving, and shoot for something attainable in the near future.

I decided just a few weeks ago that I want to get something published in the next year, and that's what I'm going to be putting my off-the-clock efforts into. What a scary, scary thought. And yet, it is something I have wanted for nearly two decades, and doesn't really depend on anyone but me; unlike most of my other dreams, which either require a rich husband or the winning of a large sum of money. :)

Watch out, world. I'm finally stepping outside the box...

A Life Lesson in the Little Things

2008-06-16T18:22:00.005-04:00

"Are you kidding me??" I screamed aloud, having come back from a very short trip to the bathroom to discover one of my kittens having a boxing match with my keyboard. And, of course, the paragraphs I had just been working on were deleted, and a lot of gibberish had taken the place of my attempt at creativity. As a former English Major, I hold myself at fault for not having saved my work before leaving the computer unattended. But still...

It's amazing the things that come out of your mouth when you've had a typical Monday. I find myself yelling a lot these days. Things like: "What were you thinking?" and "Can't I just have ten minutes to myself when I get home??" and "Are you kidding me?" ...as if cats are quite skilled in the art of comic mockery. There are times when I am convinced that they have nothing better to do than piss me off. Just for the heck of it.

So why, you ask, do I even have cats? That is a very good question. I think they're here to teach me something. I don't want to be one of those annoying Pollyanna-type people that tries to make a lesson out of everything. But in this case, I really think it's legit.

See, the thing is, I wasn't ready for cats. I know that by now. I've been wanting a cat for a long time, now that I'm out making it on my own, but I hadn't purchased one yet because I didn't feel like I was quite ready. But the problem is, I have this soft spot in my heart for the abandoned, and they were about to lose their home... I guess I took them in as a kind of foster care service, to try to find them a good place to live. But of course I got attached, because I always get attached. And now I have no idea what I'm doing. Which just means I come home to whatever new mess they've made and get angry at creatures that have no idea why I'm upset. And that's not a good situation for anyone.

Just a few weeks ago, a guy I sit next to at work told me this very thing; that I wasn't ready for cats, and I got very upset with him. Did he really think I'm so incompetent a human being that I can't care for a couple of kittens until I find homes for them? I was quite insulted. But now I'm starting to see the wisdom behind his words. I don't think he meant to be offensive. It's just that I've had a rough couple of years, and things are finally starting to get better, and I really think this season of my life is about learning to take care of me. I wonder if having kittens is going to prevent that at all?

My problem is I put my whole heart into everything I do. It's a blessing and a curse, all wrapped up in one package. I stress out at work if I think I haven't paid a claim correctly. I want to get it right and do my job to the best of my ability. I want to be there for all my friends, right when they need me. I've found it difficult to be creative lately, because I just want things to be perfect. And Lord help me when I get into a relationship, because I give it everything I've got, whether or not it's worthy of everything I've got. I guess if I can't do something wholeheartedly, I find it hard to want to do it at all. And it's exhausting, let me tell you!

It's funny... because what I just said makes me sound a little perfectionistic. And I wouldn't really consider myself to be a perfectionist. If you look around at my messy apartment, or know anything about my messy life, you would think the same. But when it comes to matters of the heart, it's all or nothing for me.

If nothing else, I'm learning a lot from my crazy cats. I guess it's hard to have too much regret in life if you choose to learn from your mistakes and disappointments. I haven't decided yet if taking them in was really a mistake, or if this just means I need to let them go and admit that I'm just not ready to be taking care of anyone but me right now, or if I need to make room in my life for them and choose to give them what they need whether or not it's what I need...

I suppose there are very few people who would put this much thought into the decision. :) But I've committed to discovering the secret of living a full life, and this is just another attempt at it... even though it's just taking care of a couple of cats, I want to do this well. And if I can't do it, I want to find someone who can.

Just for the record, they're both acting crazy right now, running around my tiny apartment like maniacs, attacking each other, my couch, or my feet, whatever they happen upon first. In a minute or two, they will be attempting to climb onto my keyboard and my lap, purring deeply and ready to settle down for the night, simply wanting the affection I am anxious to give. It's these times when I think giving them up will be impossible. But time will tell. I want to learn all I can while they're here with me. Maybe they're supposed to help me appreciate the silence when they're gone...

I thought I would be up for hours tonight, because I drank an iced coffee just a little while ago, but a nice warm bed is starting to sound pretty awesome right about now. So I think I'm going to say goodnight for now... I'll write again soon.

A Dragon's Job

2008-06-15T08:24:00.007-04:00

Donald Miller says that having a Dad is like owning a dragon. To take something so great and powerful and strong, and to know that it is truly yours, that it is there to protect and defend you... who wouldn't want that? It would be amazing.

I never got a chance to own a dragon. But I always wanted one.

Then there are all the fairy tales, that paint a picture of the horrible, cruel dragon guarding the princess in some lofty tower while she awaits her brave knight to come rescue her. I know girls who still operate under this type of system with their fathers. She's "under his authority" until her husband decides to show up, and then they pass her off like some antique heirloom. Nice.

I'm hoping there is a third category out there. My knight must have gotten lost somewhere along the way. My dragon never cared enough to guard me from anything. In fact, if anything, he took it upon himself to cause me a lot of grief and heartache that I am still attempting to mend. The sad thing is, these days it is far from uncommon. My struggle to survive simply confirms the statistics.

I am, at least, grateful for our ability to adapt. I am trying, anyway.

So it is Father's Day. And this holiday is weird for me. It cuts much deeper than, say, Valentine's Day. And I guess that's because I can see somewhere in my future having some semblance of a Valentine. But I will never, ever get to have a Dad.

Perhaps I am not being fair, though. I have had a few father/daughter relationships with men who took me into their families simply because they cared that much about my broken heart. I called one of my "adopted Dads" yesterday, in fact, because he has been more of a father to me than mine ever was. And there is still another that I need to call...

But I'm thinking of calling my biological dad, too. I know. I must be crazy. I have no expectations. He could do or say anything. Honestly, I could say anything as well. I've got a lot of pent up anger I've never taken out on anyone. Lord help him if he sets off that minefield!

But I've got one of those scenarios playing out in my head where, in the movies at least, there is distance between the father/daughter, and then one day before she knows it he's dead and she's standing there at his grave wondering why she never picked up a phone and called him. If my father died, would I regret never having said something to him? This question has been bugging me lately.

The problem is, my life was not scripted by Hallmark, and the things I will probably end up saying are not the lovey-dovey, just-in-case-you-die sorts of things. But what I will say, I do not know. I could really freak him out by telling him he was supposed to be a dragon, and didn't fulfill a dragon's job in my life! :)

But life is just like that, because there was a garden and there was a forbidden fruit, and there was a decision, a fall, and a sinful world followed. We all have our set of obstacles to overcome, decisions to make, and battles to fight. This one happens to be mine. I never had a protector as a child, and I will probably have a hard time letting a man assume that role in my future. I want it, for sure, but I don't know if I'll let it happen. I'm pretty awkward when it comes to dating. I hope the next guy is pretty brave...

I guess I'll post an update if I get up the courage to call him. Say a prayer for me, if you're the praying type. And Happy Father's Day, to all you who choose to use your power for good...

A Day in the Life

2008-06-14T13:42:00.002-04:00

Another slow Saturday morning, and now I've come to the part of the day where I have to figure out what I'm doing for the rest of the day. No one has called with any invitations yet. Sometimes I find that situation depressing, but right now I am glad to have time to get my thoughts in order, before greeting any other humans.

Oh yeah, I have cats now. And internet. In fact, there will probably be much greater consistency in my writing from this day forward. So that's a good thing. My cats are crazy though. Much more so than I ever thought possible. I'm not entirely convinced that I am ready to be taking care of anyone but myself right now. So whether or not I'm keeping them is still up for debate. I change my mind every day...

So much has happened lately, and I'm certain not all of it gets to be written out for the world to see. Just take my word for it that I have grown up a lot since I last wrote. I learned some very difficult and valuable life lessons recently. God allowed some stuff to happen, because I was being stubborn, and then I paid for it, because we have to live out the consequences of our decisions, and now I'm on the road to recovery. And that's that. I'm glad it's over and done. And maybe next time, I will be a little more cautious about jumping into something with my whole heart like that.

But really, that's the only way I know to live. I don't know if I was designed that way or not. But it's the way I am, and I haven't figured out how to prevent it from happening yet. Maybe I really am supposed to throw my whole heart at something, but I just haven't found the proper context for it. I've always felt like I would be great for an orphanage or a ministry that needed truly committed people. I tend to invest everything I've got into relationships that are headed nowhere, and that's not what God wanted to do with me, I'm sure. But I've yet to figure out what God wants, so I continue to be a little bit lost.

I guess this post is about nothing in particular. I don't feel very inspired at the moment, to say anything of utmost importance. It's just another Day in the Life of Jo. I guess we all need some days to just chill.

I think I'm going to do some shopping and errands, and just try to take this day as it comes.

Great Expectations

2008-05-17T10:25:00.010-04:00

Awaking with gentle sunshine on my face, and without that sense of morning exhaustion that I am so used to these days; I feel good about today. I need a big, fat cup of coffee in a minute. And I think one of my friends wanted to work out this morning. But I need to take a moment, while I have a moment, and enjoy the sunshine and the feeling that I finally rested enough to enjoy the day and live it well.

I think life is just about to get better... I can feel it right now, in my half-conscious state, and underneath all my sleepiness I am excited about the change. I have been coming dangerously close to settling in to mediocre. But God and I have a deal about that... I've promised to get my lazy butt up and keep moving whenever I notice I may be settling for less, and He says He's got something better for me if I just don't give up. I know we can't really make deals with God that way, because you can't earn anything on your own strength, but I'm telling you, this one works! Its like tithe, Man. Miracles happen.

I even got annoyed last week, when I was just reading random verses in the Bible and I came across the one that says: "Do not grow weary in doing good, for in due time you will reap..." But I AM weary!! I cried, I can't help it!!! I have grow quite weary, actually. That is a perfect description of how I have felt of late. But God, more than anyone, knows that I am human and knows my limits and my potential and knows (Lord, help me in my unbelief) what He is doing. Right? Because if that isn't true, then I'm wasting my time with another "god" who isn't really God, and I don't want to go back there.

I want, very much, to move forward in life. And yet, in "growing up," I am so afraid of losing that childlike faith in me. I have seen it fade as I move towards accepting the "real world," and while it is true that I am growing up and I want to be responsible, does that mean that I have to lose my heart in the process? Isn't that what's killing the writer in me? Because, after all, this isn't exactly quality literature, folks. It's okay... I know already. :) I'm just doing the only thing I know to do, and that's to keep writing no matter what...

But how long has it been since I really, honestly believed? How long since I thought I saw a gnome in the grass or "knew" there was pirate treasure buried in the sand beneath my toes? Am I growing cynical? Calloused? I feel torn between two worlds and I can't keep my foot inside both of them. I don't know how. So do I have to just pick one? But I can't bear to lose the one I'll have to lose if I choose "reality." I am just not convinced that that's what's really real...

Sometimes I sort through my own thoughts by writing them down, and that's what this has turned into. So I apologize, to anyone who doesn't know me, or doesn't know me well. But I have been given this imagination that has made the traditional ideas of growing up very difficult for me. I have no problem with taking care of myself and paying my own bills and voting and doing my taxes. For someone as scatterbrained as I can be sometimes, I think I have done quite well with all of that in the past few years of making it on my own. But there's the other side of me... the one, I guess, that is supposed to be a writer, the creative side that I don't show to everyone, because let's face it, sometimes people don't handle it well.

I am out of control with my commas today. Wow.

Anyway... I am still searching for myself, I think. I didn't realize it until just now. I thought I had a pretty good grasp of who I am, but its not true quite yet. I know who I am in the real world, and I know who I am when I lose myself in imagination and creativity, but I have yet to merge the two successfully. Perhaps I am afraid of the clash of those two worlds. Or is it just the loss of acceptance that I fear?

Here's a thought. Maybe God has a plan. Maybe he even made me and loves me and therefore wants me to be successful, so he knows exactly what I need to do. Maybe he wanted a Jo in the world, after all, and I wasn't really a mistake, as I have so often despaired to believe.

But how do I get others to see it, too? How do you inspire a lost world to keep believing? So many have sold out, and given up, and forgotten who they were, or don't even know who they could be. And my heart bleeds for them. But, silly me, God would have a plan for them, too, now wouldn't he?

So I am going to work on the merging of the two worlds inside me, and trust that God knows, and God does. Maybe that's why I awoke to sunshine, and the feeling that life was about to get better.

I guess, if ever the Real and Creative worlds were to meet, it would make sense that they would be inside a very Real and Creative God...

Rainy Day Blues

2008-05-15T21:47:00.003-04:00

I won't deny it, I finally let the Melancholy get to me this week.

We lost our sunshine and warmth to the rain these past few days, and I've spent several evenings in a row alone now, and it finally just got inside me. Turns out drinking alcohol and watching even the most hilarious videos on YouTube isn't enough to fill the gap of human companionship. I guess I'm just plain, good old-fashioned lonely. And I don't mind admitting it anymore.

I realized it just a few hours ago, in the Wal-mart checkout aisle, when I found myself trying to make conversation with the girl at the counter. Not that there's anything wrong with talking to retail workers. I was in her shoes not so very long ago, and I always appreciated the people who treated me like a human being. But I realized I was talking to her because I was just desperate for a conversation. About anything. I guess that's what I get for taking an office job in a sea of cubicles where we're not supposed to speak to each other...

Sometimes I wonder if I'm going crazy. Seriously. My life really isn't that bad. So why is it my life is this bad? I was just reading my posts from just a few months ago, and I'm really doing well, considering. So maybe I'm just being dramatic. But I don't feel like I'm being dramatic. I just feel like I can't get my life together. I need someone's help. I think I'm supposed to say I need God's help. And maybe I do. But I don't know that I need God's help as much as I need other people. Is that sacrilegious or just ignorant? It is not my intention to be either.

Like right now. I need a backrub, and a good, long hug, and maybe even a free dinner. I need a real conversation, and maybe some laughter, and a good strong cup of coffee, and a new novel. And I need someone to help me clean my apartment, because I'm starting to believe it will never, ever, ever get done if I'm left to my own devices. And I'm depressed about it. I've been fighting this battle for a long, long time... it is never an easy demon to face.

My internet connection is lousy. It keeps cutting in and out and threatening to lose my unsaved work. I don't think losing this post would be such a loss. But I guess it's good to show the bad days along with the good. I am trying to learn to be real on paper, after all.

But I don't want to waste my words whining. There are definitely good things going on in my life. I just spent an atrocious amount of money on groceries, and unless my car breaks down or I have some sort of physical calamity, I'll never really notice a difference, because I finally have a good enough job that I can do that!

I really need time travel right now. I want to go back to my old apartment and find that scared little girl I was and give her a hug and tell her it will all be okay. Maybe six months from now I'll be reading this post and think the same thing all over again. Maybe I'll have some fantastic boyfriend by then, and a perfect relationship with Jesus, and my apartment, of course, will be spotless! :) Here's hoping.

But I know, from much experience, that rainy days pass.

It is nearly Friday. Just a few hours' sleep away from the last work day of the week. And then I get to go see Prince Caspian with my friends, and then whatever I find to do on Saturday, hopefully another convicting and encouraging Sunday, and then back to earning a living. I wonder how long I will do this? Will there ever be more to life again, or am I doomed to "independence" and coping with the daily grind?

A few weeks ago, I had a drink with a guy from work who told me I wasn't the kind of person who should be sitting in a cubicle figuring out people's medical benefits. He said I should join the Peace Corps and do my part to make the world a better place, or find some other way of using this deep heart in me. His words, not mine. I have been haunted by those words ever since... and I don't know what to do.

I have always wanted to leave this life behind and go somewhere and do something that everyone will think is crazy. It's just in me, and I'm not sure I'll ever silence that voice, even if I try. But then there's that part of me that has finally, finally found a place to settle, to rest for just a little while. And I waited so long for some rest, and a place that felt like home...

So there's the gypsy in me that will always want to travel and seek the new, and there's also the tired young woman who's way too young to feel this damn tired! Somehow I harbor both in my soul. And I really believe I need to rest for now, and maybe put down roots and see what happens.

Either way it is a risk. They are just different types. I am glad to know that I don't fear risk as much as I used to. Perhaps I am growing up a bit after all. I hope God hasn't given up on me yet. I'm pretty sure He doesn't do that, though, or we'd all be in trouble...

Just this week, one of my dear friends gave me a verse (from Psalm 103) that says: "The Lord is compassionate and merciful, slow to anger, and filled with unfailing love."

I still can't wrap my brain around it. What would it be like to be "filled with unfailing love," I wonder, because all the "love" I've ever been given has failed me at some point. I suppose we are all messes and failures in some way... and that's why we need Perfect Love. God's love. Compassionate, merciful, not easily angered... unfailing.

Even on gloomy, melancholy, rainy days. That is a very comforting thought.

Nocturnal Ramblings

2008-05-13T22:11:00.004-04:00

I haven't written in a very long time, and I'm tired of staring at that same old post. So I'm going to do something about it! I suppose sleepy rambling is better than old news, right? I'll feel better about it, anyway.

So my life's been interesting lately. All sorts of things have been happening that I don't feel at liberty to post about just yet. I know, the mystery is killing you, right? :) All I'm saying is, I think God's doing some stuff. And if it's not God, man, am I gonna be in trouble!! But that's faith for you. Wow...

I just finished watching one of my favorite movies, Stranger Than Fiction, and I was reminded of how much I love writing. Everything from the act of writing, to the editing process, to reading what others have written (unless it's written poorly); I just love it! What exactly does that mean, though? Why am I not writing a novel by now? Am I just lazy, or am I supposed to trust my senses right now, when they tell me to hold off for a little while longer?

Who knows?

But I can't escape it. Writing is in me. There's nothing I can do. Like right now... I should either be cleaning up for the friend that's coming over to watch a movie tomorrow, or I should be going to bed, because I'm very, very tired. But neither of those things are happening, because the thought of a blank page came to me and I had a need to fill it up. Hopefully with quality literature, in good time, but for now it's just my general thoughts before I give up trying to motivate myself to clean up, and go ahead and fall asleep. Was that a run-on sentence? I'm pretty sure that was a run-on sentence.

Probably tomorrow, when I read this, I will be disappointed in my lack of creativity and meaningful words. Right now it feels cathartic, and possibly even brilliant. Why is it the next day always reveals your words to be less than inspired? It amazes me.

Here's hoping tomorrow reveals brilliance! :)

A Beauty So Deep

2008-04-24T12:02:00.003-04:00

Written: Saturday, April 19...

I love Saturday mornings best. And yesterday I just bought some new coffee beans that I've never tried before, so I'm pretty excited about brewing a pot of coffee here in a minute. I think Saturday mornings are kinda like my “Sabbath” even though I still go to church almost every Sunday. Saturday mornings are when I get to think through the week and hopefully figure out how to do the next one better.

But things have been getting better already. And the sun comes out nearly every day now, so the world has not been such a gloomy place. So whatever part of me that seems to go to sleep during the winter, like so many hibernating animals, must have just stirred and arisen with sleepy eyes and messy hair. I am not at my best yet. Give me time to wake up...

I should probably work out this morning. I haven't done as much of that lately. At least I got out to walk with Jennifer last week. It's just so hard to schedule that into an already busy schedule. Whoever thought I'd be busy like this? With friends, and a good job, and a place to myself? Last year at this time... I would have been struggling at Old Navy... and I think I would have been still searching for a place to live because Steph had moved out and I was still at the Meth apartment, paying $400 a month on an Old Navy salary. Boy, was that fun. But at least that place had a view and no roaches...

Wow. If you look at it that way, I've come a long way since then.

And I've been pretty hard on myself over the last couple of weeks. So... it's Saturday morning, and it's time to take a deep breath, let the weeks go, and start over...

They say that heaven is beyond our wildest dreams... and really, this Earth is still beyond my wildest dreams, and I've only been a few places around this old globe so far. So, I can trust that God's got something else up his sleeve that's waiting for us in the end. But... I still haven't done all the things I wanted to do here, and there's no way I could do it all in just a lifetime. And there is a sadness in that realization for me.

I guess that's what makes heaven so scary. I've had 25 years to explore this place, but heaven I know nothing about. I can make a few assumptions, like it won't be bound by time like we are, and there probably won't be night and day, because I think the Bible says heaven is always full of light. I wonder if I will miss the evening, though? The setting of the sun, or the misty stillness of morning? I wonder if I will still get to discover little creatures, if there will be texture, if there will be anything physical at all?

Part of me doesn't want to go. I know I complain a lot about this place, and I often mourn how sin has wrecked everything, how I had a lousy dad and how I don't have a boyfriend. But really... I mean, will there be coffee in heaven? And cats? And fuzzy socks? Fun earrings? If you never have “a bad day” will you appreciate people being nice to you or giving you a hug? Will there be a Grand Canyon or the ancient green hills of Great Britain? Will there be literature there? Is story really as timeless as we hope it to be?

I guess it all comes down to trusting that God knows what He's doing. I guess that's what faith really is, simply put. Not only that He knows what He's doing, but for some of us with weaker faith, simply that he is, in fact, doing something... I am still trying to grasp that one.

Honestly, though, I didn't get to see the Earth before the ravaging hands of sin had their way with it. And it is still saturated in beauty, though lying in ruins. So to see a place untouched by sin, to walk a pure and holy ground, to dance without self-consciousness, to laugh without fear of crying... I would like to go to that place. I would take a risk on God knowing what He's doing, in order to witness a beauty so deep as Heaven.

I suppose Heaven might be my reward for keeping my heart alive and not giving in to the calluses of cynicism and selfishness. Perhaps when we get there, after breathing our last sigh on Earth and shedding our mortal skins, our lifetimes here will just feel like a long, hard day that's finally over. I used to fear that I would forget this place, but maybe Heaven will be so beautiful and good that I will not think of this anymore by my own free will.

But for now... I must rely on hot showers, and good TV shows, and the persistence of the ocean's waves reaching out to shore, and good talks with good friends, to be my heaven. For now, I have to learn to trust that God is doing... something. And my time isn't finished here yet... so I should not give in to despair.

That is all I know to be right now.

On Faith

2008-03-15T10:33:00.006-04:00

This is my last weekend without coffee. Wow. I am so glad that it's almost over!! I was just thinking how a nice, steaming cup of coffee would be right now, as I sit and write...

I decided to give up coffee for Lent, on the recommendation of a friend. She had explained the tradition and the symbolism in such a way that it seemed irresistable... at the time. And so I made the committment, and began the sufferring... a whole week early! =] Not intentional. So I've been off coffee for a good long while here, and I miss it terribly. But I think I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. And now I think I can take a moment and be proud of myself, because I've almost made it! But it definitely wasn't easy. Coffee has long been my stress relief, and I've needed it this month. It has been a very rough month.

A lot of people have said that I've been negative lately. And I don't doubt it. The truth is I am overwhelmed, and so many things are out of my control, and I don't know what to do anymore. I have felt the flood waters rising up around my face, and I think it's only natural to panic a bit when you believe you're about to drown...

I have never really understood what we're supposed to be doing here, on Earth. I thought I was writing a story, but I've become angry lately at the story I seem to have been given. I feel like when I was ten years old and they got me that bike for Christmas... I'd had in my head that it was the purple bike with the sparkles that I'd asked for, and I was equally convinced that that particular bike and I would form a unique bond and that the two of us together created the right ingredients for magic. Like Harry Potter's wand that chose him. I knew that if I only had that bike, that I could fly... I truly believed it.

Then Christmas morning rolled around... but it was a pink bike with lolipops on it that greeted me. And that bike never let me fly. It was just a bike, and I was just a girl, and there was no magic. Now, in reality, did the pink bike do everything the purple bike would have? Probably, yes. But the believing nature in me isn't 100% convinced that the purple bike with sparkles wouldn't have been able to lead me to worlds unknown... even today I'm not fully convinced of the reality of the situation.

That is perhaps one of my greatest strengths and biggest downfalls. I have been accused of not having enough faith, but it is not the truth. The truth is that I have too much faith, but in the wrong things. I will believe something longer and deeper and more stubbornly than most people could ever fathom, much less act upon. Perhaps God gave me such a measure of faith to be a writer with, and the tragedy of it is, He's also had to watch me fall time and time again because I never turn that belief back around to him. I'll give it to some guy, or some cause, or some ridiculous notion, and then get devastated by "reality," all the while becoming less likely to trust the only one who is actually trustworthy...

So far it has been a deadly cycle. And a lot of things that I had been hoping in have fallen apart lately... so it's going to be even harder to resurrect what's left of my trusting heart.

So have I been negative lately? Probably. But that's just the tip of the iceberg, the warning that things really aren't okay under all this water... that my limbs have been growing weary for some time and that I won't be able to hold myself up for much longer... This is nothing new to me, so I am surprised to see a new group of people reacting so strongly to it. I guess this is just the first time some of them have recognized this particular struggle of mine... of having faith in everything but God.

There is much more to say, but I have a lot to do today, and I just needed to get some of this out of my thoughts. It's a process, this growing to trust God. I would love for it to be more of an instantaneous transformation, but it seems to be a long, slow process instead. So I guess there's nothing I can do except take the next step along the way.

Life is What Happens When You're Making Other Plans

2008-03-09T09:15:00.006-04:00

You'd think that after 25 years of doing this Life stuff, I'd be able to tell kinda how things work on this planet and make some sort of accurate prediction about how things are generally going to turn out. But it isn't true. This week threw me a curve ball. And I've determined I don't like curve balls!

I've mostly made it out of the old apartment, because that had been such a bad situation that I just didn't want to be there anymore. It was worth the extra money to find my own place, and here I am. It all happened so quickly, though. And then this week happened, as well, and now I feel like nothing in my life is familiar at all. Which is perhaps a good thing. Maybe God knows things I don't know just yet.

But let's see... my second night in the apartment, my car was broken into and some irreplaceable stuff got stolen. One thing in particular that wasn't even mine, so I'm trying to figure out what to do about that. The timing, as always, was impeccable, because I had just had a discussion with an old friend about how to get said item back to him, and he had responded back with some anger... whether about the item or on a more personal note, I couldn't tell. But I was asked not to contact him anymore. I was still reeling from that request, unsure of what it meant and if I had done anything to deserve it. Then his stuff gets stolen from my car, and I pretty much feel like a worthless human being. *sigh* Sometimes I wonder if its ever worth it... but I can't get into all of that now.

They also stole my favorite coat. Is it dumb that I miss it? That I'm so upset about it? I know I have a lot of stuff, and clothes in particular, and let's be honest, I probably don't value or appreciate a lot of it the way I should. But I loved that coat. It was perfect for me in so many ways, and... I guess it just felt like a personal attack when it got stolen. Like someone was trying to hurt and violate me, not just get some stuff for free because they're too lazy to get their own job and buy their own stuff. I suppose I'm still a little angry about the situation. =] But I must remind myself that this green Earth we tread upon is not our eternal home, and we can't take our stuff with us when we go. I'm bad about getting attached to things and thinking they'll be around to make me happy forever. I'm bad about that with people too. I am constantly frustrated by the lack of permanence in this life.

So I was still dealing with the emotions of the break in, and all of that, when I got the flu and had to stay in bed for nearly 48 hours straight, with cold chills, and fever, and muscle pain, and vomiting... the whole 9 yards. So because of that, and other complications, I wasn't able to move the rest of my stuff out of the old apartment. I'm afraid my old roommate is going to be angry, and try to charge me more rent and all... I'm just ready to be done with it.

I guess you could say this was not my ideal first week in the new apartment. This wasn't really how I expected things to be. In fact, this whole year... this isn't really what I wanted for my 25th year of life. I had just always thought that things would be different. I guess I just need to bring my thoughts down from the clouds and plant them firmly into reality, so I don't keep getting hurt by my dreams and my life not matching up.

But there are good things happening in my world as well. This morning I woke up without fever (yaayy!) to the sun rising through the trees behind my apartment. MY apartment! No more people coming in and out doing whatever they want when they don't even live there. And that will be so refreshing. So I'm not ignoring that there are other things at work here, but its not wrong to grieve this lost world and allow yourself to hurt when you've been hurt by people you'd cared about.

Anyway, I've forgotten all about Daylight Savings Time, and now I'm going to be late to church!!

He...

2008-03-02T14:03:00.009-05:00

I went to a Leap Day party this weekend. I had so much fun! Throughout the course of the evening, people would throw out quesions that everyone had to answer, and one of the questions that came up was: If you had to come up with the title for the story of your life, what would the title be?

Now the questions were all in good fun, and we made all kinds of jokes about what our titles would be. In fact, at one point we decided that my title could be: "He Said No!" because I had been joking about the cascade of rejection that had befallen me this week in regard to guys I know. It's been quite a bad week for me to be caring about people. I'm not really sure if I'm doing something wrong, or if I just need to stop trying to make friends with guys. I've had so many people tell me that that's just not a good idea, and I've ignored them for so long... and yet...

It is amazing to me... the power we have over one another. How the men in my life have affected me, motivated me, changed the way I see myself, changed who I want to be. By their affection or rejection, they have all had their say in the story of my life... they have all written their lines, for better or for worse. And I have written a line or two in their stories as well. It is scary to think about, really.

God gave us such power when he gave us one another. He made us so opposite and then said that we could live together, that we could marry and become one flesh and make babies together. And I wonder what he was even thinking sometimes, or how it ever works at all.

Who is he, I wonder? The guy that God will use to change the way I see? Who is the guy that will choose me over all the others? Who is the missing character in my story?

I love it when a couple has been married awhile, and you're having a conversation with one of them, and they're so intimate that they don't even use the others' name anymore... they'll just say "He was saying the other day..." or "have you talked to her about it?" and it always takes me a second to figure out who they're referring to, but in their mind there is no mistaking. I love that.

I want to be a "her" in a man's life. I want to find the "he" who will be so woven into my life story that he makes it into my sentences without need of a name.

He...

The one willing to say yes to "will you take this woman...?"

The one who'll write this story alongside me.

They say I am a hopeless romantic. And it must be true. All I know is, if I had to pick a title, with that in mind, I would like to call it... He.

Singles Awareness Day

2008-02-14T21:31:00.004-05:00

It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be... spending the evening alone. In years past it has been torture, but I guess I've been maturing, finally. I know better how to handle my own heart these days, and I knew I couldn't sit around in my apartment, calling people and hoping someone would be able to hang out. I knew I just had to go...

I would have just driven all night if I didn't have to work tomorrow. I'm in a "driving kind of mood" tonight. I think I must have a little gypsie blood in me from some forgotten relative, because sometimes I just can't take it anymore. Sometimes I just have to pick up and go. And as much as I hate moving, the change usually does me good in the end. So maybe I'm just made to uproot and go as my world changes. Maybe I'm not meant to have a "home" persay, and that's why I've never found one. It's a thought, at least...

So I didn't have a date for Valentine's Day, and the world hasn't ended yet. I'm not entirely convinced that I'd have wanted one. I haven't been super impressed with the guys who've been interested in me lately. And I tend to really throw myself into the relationship when I'm in one, and right now I think I need to get used to living with me before I think about having someone else in my world. And yes... I am trying to convince myself while I'm typing this. =]

But over all, I am really doing well. It was a beautiful day, and there's nothing wrong with taking yourself out on a date every once in awhile. I went to see Spiderwick Chronicles, and loved it! I want to write stories like that someday... I wonder why I can't write them now? I'm still a mystery, even to myself.

Hopefully, the guy that finds me in the end will enjoy a good mystery/romance/thriller. =]

Great, now I've got Michael Jackson in my head for the rest of the night...

Half-Written

2008-02-09T11:20:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I wonder how my life gets to be such a mess before I've even realized it. I guess this is just the process of maturing, but I'm wondering how I got so far behind? I certainly feel like I'm behind if I'm not. I think I should probably stop being so hard on myself and just try to work with what I've got.

So often I feel like my life is only half-written. I'm not talking about how I'm still in the middle of the "story of my life," because hopefully God is really just getting started. But... you know when you start writing something... a song, or a poem, or a story... or maybe you're a painter, a sculptor, a mechanic... whatever your passion may be, but you just start doing something you love? And you have a vision for your creation, and the best of intentions for it to be awesome? And you work on it, and you're happy to work on it, and everything's going well. And then you put it aside for a little while, and think you'll get back to it? And then... you never get back to it? You find yourself a couple months later going: "I should get back to that thing..."

That's how my life feels right now. Like a room full of unfinished projects. And I don't know which ones I should start back up with, or which ones to throw away, or if I should just start new ones instead? I've got a lot of half-written dreams, and I don't seem to be able to finish them on my own. I'm not sure how to move forward with any of them...

I think I'm gonna be all artsie and symbolic and leave this one half-finished to prove my point!

Doesn't that just leave you longing for more?

=]

This New Day

2008-01-26T11:48:00.000-05:00

This is my favorite place in the world so far... I guess it's not really a "place," more like an occurrence. But I love it when I have some free time, a cup of coffee nearby, and a computer in front of me, waiting for me to write. Sometimes the computer is replaced by the old-fashioned journal-and-pen, but you get the gist. :)

Life got a little nuts for me this month, but I think I'm starting to get my thoughts in order again, and that's a very good thing. Today I'm happy to be alive... not just okay with it, but happy. Previously I was only okay with it, so this is definitely an improvement. I think I started forgetting about the really important things and it was really getting me down...

So I'm working on coming back to life, and in time, healing my motivation. I used to be an artist, and volunteer regularly, and I used to go walking just for fun, and I used to read a lot, and plan fun events where people could get together, and write little notes for people, and all sorts of things I never do anymore. I don't know why I never do them anymore, but I want to change it all immediately. Is it weird to miss yourself? Because I think I miss myself a little bit.

Somewhere along the way I got caught up in an aspect of life I never intended to be caught up in, and it's a very dark place. Somehow I started coping with life instead of living it, and managing relationships instead of enjoying them. I started trying to figure everything and everyone out instead of appreciating them for who they are. I started trying to save people instead of simply loving them, and letting Christ do what he does best...

Basically, I've been trying to do life on my own, to make my life stable on my own, to fit all the pieces together, and write my own story, and fashion my own happy ending... make my dreams come to life somehow. And I've been miserable, because that's not possible. I don't really know what I was thinking. But the important thing is, I know better now, and I can see a little more clearly, and I can be working on changing things instead of giving up and accepting them.

I can't change the past, but I can try to do today a little better, and tomorrow even better than that. I don't really know where to start, but maybe things will become even more clear as I move in the direction I know I'm supposed to be moving in.

At least I can start the day off with hope. That seems to be such a rare thing in this world. But hope moves people when it is allowed to bloom. You can't ignore it when it has come alive in someone... and that's what I want most of all right now. To let hope live in me in such a way that it becomes contagious to the people around me... What a beautiful thing that would be!

I can't say I don't regret where I've been walking lately, but this is a new day, and all the old days have passed away and won't be coming back. There is consolation in that, if nothing else. And this day, this brand new day, is saturated with possibility...

Early Morning Thoughts

2008-01-19T07:49:00.000-05:00

I woke up early this morning because I've had a lot on my mind, and the pale light of sunrise was filtering through the window, and I had that urge to write that I always regret resisting. So here I am. If this weren't a weekend, I'd be arriving at work right now, sitting in my car for those last few minutes, taking that "I can do this" kind of deep breath before resigning myself to go inside and sit in front of that computer...

Thank goodness for Saturdays and three-day weekends. I was about to lose my mind.

I've been a pretty mixed up individual lately. I've been tired and sad and a little emotionally unstable, and I can't even entirely understand why. Not to say that good things have not been happening in my life. But my heart always jumps to my sleeve, so it ends up being the first to receive all the blows, it seems. I've always been fairly vulnerable emotionally. Its one of those things people love about me, and one of the reasons people trust me so quickly, I guess, and probably the main source of my struggle to survive every day. Ironic, really.

It is going to be really hard to stay alive and vibrant in an office environment. I can already tell. It is going to be hard to hold out for a really good guy, especially when I'm not even convinced that what I'm looking for exists. Its going to be hard to keep bringing this broken heart to Christ, when I know he's only going to dig deeper into my past and my motives and my sins and my heartaches...

I know he's going to make me more and more vulnerable. And I don't know how to trust him right now. I keep trying to push him away the way I have done the other guys in my life. I guess the difference is, they finally get scared and go, because they're human (and I can be a little psycho sometimes).... and he... I guess I'm not entirely sure what he'll do. But he hasn't given up on me yet. So I don't know what to do next.

I'm tired right now, but just going back to bed won't help, because its not that kind of tired. I guess you could say I'm soul-tired right now. And everyone can see it. I hate that. I can't have just one lousy day of being sad without everyone knowing about it, because it's written all over my face and in my mannerisms and comes out in every word I speak. So everyone knows, and then I just feel stupid. And then I end up hurting people because I'm trying to stuff down my emotions, and when I'm doing that I'm not as emotionally sensitive to others, to what they're feeling and thinking... and then I see that look on their face, and realize that I've hurt someone else I care about while trying to protect myself. It feels like an endless cycle right now. And I hate it.

All I really want is for people to not treat me like I'm broken. That's what I really want. Like, I wouldn't care that everyone knew I was hurting if people would just act normal around me. You know, take me out for a beer or a coffee or whatever, talk life, and let it go. I get so sick of those sympathetic eyes and dramatic reactions to my sarcasm, like I'm going off the deep end or something. Not really, guys. I'll probably survive. I've been through much worse than this, trust me...

If only people knew.

But they shouldn't know. What's happened to me is something God must feel I can handle... with him. I just don't know how to trust him yet.

I still haven't decided if I like my life or not. I'm still waiting to see if he really does want me or if I'm just another girl... I'm sick of being replaceable. I couldn't stand for him to break my heart in the end... not him... not after all the other guys have...

If he betrays you, what else is there?

Anyway, I've got a long day ahead of me. I'm getting furniture today, and I'm not sure where the crap it's all going to fit... I'll write more when I get settled in.

The Daily Grind

2008-01-16T18:13:00.004-05:00

Its snowing outside right now. I can't see it from where I'm sitting, even though I'm by a window, because the glare from my lamp is too bright. But I can feel it. I knew it was snowing even before I looked outside... softly drifting to the earth from who knows where...

Time passes much too quickly these days. I spent nearly the entire day, 8-5, sitting in front of a computer, doing something that... kind of... matters. I really need the money, and the peace of mind, so I guess it's worth it in the end. I guess it's worth it. But there is so little time left for everything else... just enjoying the sunshine, or the snow.

How do we live this way, I wonder? When we were created for Eden, how do we live this way at all?

I haven't been able to understand life lately. Everything I was taught and everything I believe does not fit into the context of my reality. I don't understand anymore. And yet, the snow falls, and I remember things I had forgotten... things you can't just "know" but somehow know by heart. Is it just because I'm a poet? Will I ever fit somewhere? Will I ever comprehend what the snow is supposed to tell us about life?

The truth is, our lifespans here are short. And being a Christian has made me delay a lot of life in pursuit of holiness, or purity, or whatever you want to call it. But I wonder sometimes... will I ever make it to the context where we were meant to enjoy life? Will I live long enough to have lived my life at all? I wonder sometimes. I wonder if this is what Jesus meant when he said "life abundant." I wonder, as I sit in front of a computer and try to figure out how do my job well, what I was really created to do from 8 to 5 every day...?

Perhaps I am thinking too hard, and this is merely a season of my life, and I am putting way too much pressure on myself. But I want to live it well. I want every second to count. I want, so much, to find my purpose and live it well. I don't want to waste any more time.

Is it a waste of time to just do your job, to do what's been put before you to do, without question? Should I be looking for something better or making the best of what I have right in front of me in this season? I don't know. I don't understand the purpose of it all right now. And that is so frustrating.

Will God show me the answers to these, or do I have to go out and find them? I wish I knew...

Somewhere in My Broken Heart

2008-01-12T23:27:00.004-05:00

I wonder sometimes why I've always been so different. I wonder why God wanted a Jo in the world? Was I supposed to do something specific, or...

Am I missing something? I don't understand life today. I just want to go home right now, and I don't even know where that is. I just want to feel safe again. I want to go somewhere where I won't wear my heart on my sleeve and get hurt all the time. I wonder if there is a place like that?

I wish I knew what I'm meant to write about. I know there's something. I've always known that I've been put here to write a story... somebody's story... maybe fictional, maybe not. But I can't find it. Maybe I missed it. Maybe I'm wrong about the whole writer thing. Maybe I'm not meant to be anything at all. Maybe I've just been deceived this whole time.

Maybe one day it will all make sense... but I doubt it. I think I'm sick of random. I want structure in my life desperately. I want solidity. I want a firm foundation. I want unconditional love. I want to not have to worry about tomorrow. I want to be so cherished that I can't even remember life before cherishing... so much so that I can't even remember negative thoughts.

I want to be pretty. I don't remember feeling so cute around a guy as I did with... him. And now he's gone. Moved on to the next girl. I don't really know what to say. I guess I'm grieving right now. I can't believe that it hurts this much. I didn't even hurt this much with my last relationship, which lasted nearly three years...

But I think I really fell hard this time. It's the first time I really let myself believe in a relationship in a long time. It's the first time I've trusted a guy to take care of me. I wish I wasn't such a stupid little kid sometimes, when it comes to believing in things. I wish I didn't throw my heart out to everyone who happens to pass by and glance my direction. But I am being hard on myself again, which I always tend to do when I'm hurting.

I'm probably going to keep saying hateful and unhelpful things so I should just call it a day and get to bed. God help me make it through another night...

There's a line from an old song that says: "I think I can still find the will to keep going, somewhere in my broken heart..."

A Variety of Things

2008-01-07T20:52:00.000-05:00

I must learn to remind myself that it's the little things in life that make it worthwhile. I just made myself a plate of "variety sandwiches" on my favorite bread (King's Hawaiian Rolls) and couldn't believe how effectively it lifted my melancholy mood. Variety sandwiches consist of several very small sandwiches, in this case turkey, with different condiments on them. I was out of tomatoes, so I made one with mayonnaise and salt, one with honey mustard and cheese, and one with a spicy teriyaki ginger sauce, and they were all wonderful. When I have vegetables, there is even more variety to choose from. Its something I've recently started doing, and I love it. I've discovered yet another family tradition for my so far non-existent family. Yay. But cheers to the simple pleasure of a good meal, after a definite Monday.

So life's been a little scattered and hard for me lately. I've gotten myself into one of those situations where you don't know quite how you got there, and you're not quite sure if you are or are not supposed to be there, and you definitely don't know how to get yourself out again. And, as in all matters of the heart, there's no way out without a little heartache. Potentially even big heartache. Again. And of course I'm not ready for that, but of course I've gotten myself in too deep and I've now got to choose between types of heartache instead of heartache or none.

Will my life always be this way? Is this the curse of the passionate personality type? Is this the cost of being alive and vulnerable? It may well be. If it is, I wouldn't trade it for anything. But how I wish my life could just run smoothly for once. How I wish this could be simple and just work out this time... just this once.

But I don't think it will. And not because God is cruel and heartless, but just because... I don't know. Life just goes that way. We're all stuck here together, with the same old mess. I guess some of us cope with it better than others, but really we're all just stuck, and that's that. I've tried to make the best of it. But even variety sandwiches and coffee and fleece blankets and all the good things in life can't cure the brokenness of the world. And I feel like I'm stuck right in the middle of it all.

And the right thing is never the easy thing... I don't think in any case. And it's even harder when you're not sure what's truly the "right thing" and what's just legalism. And I lived with that for so, so long... how do I know I'm not just living that again? How do I know I'm not just afraid to live my life? How do I know this wouldn't work out in the end if I just gave it a chance?

I don't know. I don't feel like I know anything of value tonight. I wish I could be a little wiser and wear a little less of my heart on my sleeve. Maybe that's what God's working on with me... maybe he's just using a real-life example to convince me of why it really is a bad idea. I just wish it didn't have to hurt so much.

I wish, for once, that a good thing would come into my life and actually stay. That's the hardest part to me. Everything is so temporary. And I always give my heart to things and to people who don't stay. And I always wanted my heart to be enough to make a man stay. Not just catch his attention, not just thrill him for a little while and make him wonder, but actually be enough to make him stop in his tracks and just... stay.

But I guess that dream has to be kept on the waiting list for now. God must have other things to do right now. Your call is important to us, please stay on the line...

*sigh*

I hope one day it all makes sense. I hope, in the end, that I'm glad that I'm me, and I'm glad I was given this crazy heart, and I'm glad that I made the choices I made... I hope I'm not old and alone and sitting somewhere wishing I had lived my life while I had the chance. Either way it's a risk. I'm just hoping God notices me in the midst of this big crazy world, and realizes that I haven't really been taken care of just yet... that there's this one little dream left unfulfilled in my life, that I want much more than any of the others... I just hope he sees that.

I'm sure he does, though. He's God. Of course he sees. So for now I guess I'll be grateful for the variety of things that have been given to me thus far. And I'll keep on coming up with the little things, that will hopefully make the future I've been waiting for more than just a little bit extraordinary. Let's just hope I'm not wrong.

A Long December

2008-01-03T19:31:00.001-05:00

"A long December and there's reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last... "

There's nothing like a 90's song to say just exactly what you're feeling and didn't know how to say. I love Counting Crows!! And boy, was December a long month for me.

I guess I've just been struggling lately, and maybe I've been too proud to admit it. But I don't mind admitting it now. Really, I'm confused and scared and just plain old lost with some recent situations in my life. I miss my friends terribly... it seems everyone got busy right when I most needed people to have time in their lives for me. It always seems to go that way, though. Life will never be perfect. Mine will never be, anyway... I know that much at least.

I feel like I need a good children's series to throw myself into. Or a vacation. Or just... I don't know. I'm desperate for companionship and real conversation. I need a fresh perspective and a clear head. I need to be writing. I need to do some artwork. I just need to reconnect with myself somehow. I need to believe in the impossible again. And I don't know how to get back there. But I want so much to feel like myself again! I've been pretty disconnected lately, like I'm being pulled in a hundred directions and none of them seem like the right one.

As weird as it may sound, because I do love the Christmas season, I'm glad the holidays are over. I'm ready for life to feel stable again, and it hasn't for quite some time.

I drove to my hometown over New Years to spend time with friends, and also to have time to myself in the car for so many hours, to think through some stuff, and it was great. I love roadtrips. It started snowing on the way back through Knoxville, and it was so beautiful I cried. I guess I had forgotten about snow, in the midst of my trying to figure out my life. And at one point it was all coming straight towards my car, or I was going towards it, like I was flying a spaceship through a great snow universe, and I really did feel like I was flying for a minute.

No matter how hard things get, I love life. I don't think that will ever change as long as I can see an entire universe in a snowstorm. God sure knew what he was doing when he gave me my imagination...

Another line in the song I quoted above says: "I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass..."

So true. And I do try to hold on, but they always slip through my fingers. And time just seems to go faster and faster the older you get... I wonder what we're rushing towards? I hope I lived the moments well before they were gone. At least I'll know I tried. And God help me if I'm doing it all wrong, but I think I can say with confidence that I tried to live this well. If there's something missing, I've always suspected it but never known how to find it. So what else do you do but keep on living as best you can?

I hope this all makes sense tomorrow. I guess I shouldn't worry so much. I just... don't want to miss anything else. I feel like I missed out on so much when I was growing up. I just don't want to miss out anymore...

Maybe I should sort out my thoughts first, and then try to write them. Hopefully next time. I guess that's it for now.

A Bit of Writer's Block and Holiday Blues

2007-12-15T11:02:00.000-05:00

I've attempted writing several times over the last few weeks, and I just couldn't make it work out. There's way too much going on in my head right now to make a lot of sense on paper. In fact, I've stopped writing - even journaling - for the most part, which is always an indicator that something's not right. So what's going on with me? I'm still trying to figure it out.

I feel like I'm losing myself again in the midst of life. I have a lot of church friends who are awesome, and then there's friends from new work and old work, and then there's friends from school. And... sometimes I feel like I have to be a different person to all of them. Like, there are people you can curse around and people you can't. There are people who know I have a drink every now and again, and people who find it offensive that alcohol exists. There are people you can answer honestly when they ask you what's going on in your life, and there are people you just have to say: "Oh I'm fine" to, and move on. And I have a really hard time with that. It's hard for me to not be real with everyone. But then that gets me into trouble.

Is it wise to be totally real with everyone? I'm finding that it may not be. But that makes me sad. And then... is it bad that I find it easier to be real with non-Christian friends? Because that's what's been happening lately.

And then I find I'm a bit confused about God. Does he accept me the way I am or not? Is he holding out on me? Could I have more if I weren't dedicated to following him? Would I be living my dreams right now if God wasn't a factor? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't curious. I really want to live life to the fullest, and honestly, I'm finding I don't have a whole lot in common with the people I'd think I have the most in common with. And the people I always thought would be a bad influence on me are the ones encouraging me and allowing me to be myself and just have fun. It's strange. And I'm just confused about it all.

On top of all of that, there's the family mess. It's worse this Christmas than just the usual drama. I may not even be able to be with everyone for Christmas, and as stressful as the situation can be sometimes, I find myself pretty heartbroken over the thought of not being with them. It'd be one thing if I had some amazing guy to spend Christmas with, and I was starting my own family traditions. But it won't be like that. And I'm pretty angry about it all, if I'm being real with myself.

I guess it's just been a stressful month. And I feel alone in it all, because I don't know who to talk to. Everyone's busy. Everyone's got their own problems. And I guess I just really want a companion in the midst of my turmoil. Its a universal desire, I know. I just happen to be feeling it more than usual lately.

'Tis the season.

A Hard Goodbye

2007-12-08T10:39:00.000-05:00

Waiting for someone to die is not intuitive, and no one can teach us how. It is not natural, though death may be familiar to us by now, but something in us screams that this was not how things were supposed to be.

We don't know how to react. I find myself wanting to do something, but I can't figure out what I should do; I don't know anything that would help, so that gets translated into anxiety. So here I am, anxious, awaiting a phonecall I don't want, by any means. We are odd creatures, you and I.

Aunt Susan is one of those people you can't help but love. She is one of those people who glows, who shines with beauty, joy, and compassion. She is one of those people who knows, without you even having to speak the words. She's the kind of person who finds out you're having financial difficulty and slips a couple of twenties into your pocket when she hugs you goodbye. She's the kind of person who immediately offers her home to you when you don't have a place to live...

Susan is the kind of person you want to know forever. She's the kind of person you'd want to keep on earth for as long as possible, because this place won't be as good without her. And I told God that. But I guess I don't know everything.

Someone told me last night that God is not a genie, and that not everything we pray will be answered and I just stood there, because what I was wanting to say would not have been kind. I don't want God to be a genie. I don't want him to give me whatever I want. I've never been like that. I just wanted him to notice. I just wanted him to help. I just wanted him to do something when I couldn't... I wanted him to do the the thing I was incapable of doing. I wanted him to be strong, and capable, and loving. I guess I've always only wanted him to be a dad for me... unstoppable, invincible... able to conquer even cancer. Even death. And I'm not saying he's not. I'm just saying I can't see it right now. And I tried to. I wanted to. I tried to have faith...

My words are not enough. I considered not even writing. But this is who I am. I have to try. And I want to wait around by the phone all day, but I can't. I shouldn't. I should go to Barnes & Noble and buy that book I've been wanting, and I should meet up with my friends and see a movie like we'd planned, and I should go out to eat tonight and just live. It's so cliche to say: "She would want that." but I know her and I know she would. I know she would want me to go on living, go on hanging out, and get the most out of today. I know she would want my life to be full.

But I will miss you, Susan. I will miss the life that was contagious in you, the smiles, and the laughter. I will miss you in the years to come, and we will all remember you. We will all want you to be there. And no one will quite understand it, because we are incapable. But we will miss you when you go.

New Job

2007-11-26T19:36:00.006-05:00

So I started the new job today, or at least the training for it, and... I'm not sure what I think. I'm still processing. No pun intended there, as my official title is "Claims Processor." Hmm.

Anyway, it looks like it could be horribly boring, but the paychecks and benefits will be very nice. So that may make up for it. And I can bring music in, which is a good thing, so I'll need an iPod.

It's just that that's a lot of time to spend indoors, sitting in front of a computer. No worries, though, I'm not backing out of it or anything. I'm just... trying to be real with myself about the ups and downs of it all. On the upside, I've been wanting to try a job like this for a long, long time, and it got me out of retail for the holidays, which is not to be overlooked.

The downside is that I'm very creative, and it just might kill me to have to sit inside all day, in a boring office environment, doing something repetitive and perhaps not very world-changing.

We'll see how it all goes, though. At least I am blessed with a good job for now!

The Blessings of a Season

2007-11-10T13:31:00.000-05:00

I have three words for you: Vanilla Spiced Rum. It's my new favorite coffee creamer by International Delight. It has a polar bear on the bottle. You should get off your computer, go get in your car, drive to Wal-mart, and get some right now. It's that good. And then you should come back and finish reading my blog.

Today I am thoroughly happy. I finally got to sleep in and just enjoy a morning alone. And I tried the new creamer, which made me realize that I am happy and blessed, and moving towards a life of contentment. All that, combined with the promise of a new job... well, lets just say I'm excited about living today! Which always makes me want to write. Thank God for mornings off to blog!

I was thinking today about prayer, and how I didn't really believe in it for so long, and then suddenly started believing again, and how that's changed everything for me. Pretty much everything I've prayed for in the past couple of years has been answered... and much of it within the last three months of my life.

When I graduated from college, the big thing was that I didn't have a car and a cell phone, and I prayed about it, and eventually got that nanny job, and ended up leaving with an awesome car and my very own cell phone plan. I also got this laptop for my birthday, thanks to my amazing brother. Those three things were on the top of my list of things I "needed" to be a complete person. When I left Atlanta and moved back to Tennessee, to a small town outside of Chattanooga, I hit a dry spell. Things got tougher financially, relationally, etc., and it was just more than I could handle. I stopped believing in anything, and did my best to kill my desires, because I just didn't believe I'd ever get to have them.

That's all changed now. God (I really do believe it is Him!) is reviving all of the dead places in me. I'm actually beginning to believe that my wildest dreams may come true, and I'm no longer trying to crush them for fear of hope deferred. Is this what contentment is? Perhaps I have finally made it.

But here's the thing... in my most desperate hours, I have prayed for friends, for a community, for a mentor, for a place that felt like home, for a better paying job, for healing from my past. And honestly... every single one of those prayers either has been answered or is in the process of being answered, even as I write this. What am I supposed to do with that? I think I am a little afraid of the responsibility of having my prayers answered. Maybe something is required of me now that I am on the receiving end of blessing. I wonder what it is, though?

There are still a few dreams that haven't been touched yet; deeper dreams, that no one, or only a very select group of people know about. I'm learning to trust, but I'm not to the point of trusting anyone - including God - with those just yet. I don't think it's time for those yet anyway. But my pastor recently challenged us to go ahead and dream the big dreams, and to start praying about them and see what happens.

I have been, though I must admit that I'm skeptical. Am I ready for them? I don't know. If I desire something so deeply, it must be part of who I am, or who I'm supposed to be, in such a way that I could easily adapt if it were actually an option. Do you think God loves me that much, though? I've got some pretty big dreams. If I am loved that deeply, I never even suspected it until now.

All that to say, I think I'm being prepared for something big. I think that all of this isn't just coincidence, and that I'm being blessed right now to strengthen my faith for whatever lies ahead. Is that too Christianized? Am I being preachy? It is not my intention to be. I just know who I used to be, and there are only traces of that now. I just know that I've been changing, that my whole life has been changing and becoming better, and it all started with prayer and a step of faith into a baptismal pool.

I just know that I am excited about my life now, that I am recognizing the blessings of this season, and that I'm looking forward to what lies ahead...

The Winds of Change

2007-11-03T17:14:00.000-04:00

It finally happened.

The knowledge is in my head but hasn't quite sunk down into those mysterious places where I believe in things, so I feel strangely suspended... somewhere between the inevitable and the now.

When I first moved to Chattanooga, in August, there were many lonely, sleepless nights where I knew I couldn't go on much longer with the way things were, where I was bent to the breaking point, and stretched beyond my limit financially, emotionally, and mentally. I was at a loss for what to do, and in my anguish threw a prayer out from my soul, begging whatever God there was to end my life or change it so completely that I couldn't even recognize it.

Little by little, over the past few months, things have been changing, and I, in my stubbornness, admit that I still remain skeptical about “God's” hand in it all. Maybe it was coincidence. Maybe it would have happened even if I hadn't prayed at all. Maybe, maybe, maybe...

Maybe I'm just afraid to believe, to really believe, in a God who knows me intimately and has heard everything I've said for all those years...

What a scary thought that is. He knows you. He knows me. He heard me, every time.

So I had an interview last Friday with a health insurance company, and I was offered the job by Sunday afternoon. I start shortly after Thanksgiving. The pay is great, compared to what I have been making, and there's a lot of opportunity to move up in the company if my productivity is good. It's a desk job, related to medical billing. It sounds interesting to me, and the thought of a real paycheck... well, let's just say this is long overdue. But to me it feels like one of the last pieces of a puzzle I thought could never be completed.

I'm going to use my first paycheck to get the CV joints and possibly the break pads replaced in my car, pay off half my credit card, and buy a funky pair of glasses. How I've lived this long on $700 a month I don't know, but it's finally, finally over and I couldn't be happier.

Consequently, the tree outside my window has turned a radiant color of red, seemingly overnight, and I am reminded that it is good to be alive. The leaves took their time in changing this year, probably because it has been so dry, but now they seem to have realized that it really is Fall, and they're well on their way to turning the mountainside into that patchwork of yellow, orange, red, brown, and a myriad of colors that have no name.

Is it silly of me to think that they waited on me all that time, and brought out their colors to celebrate with me the joy of living? More likely that I was so wrapped up in my problems, however legitimate, that I forgot to look outside the window every now and again to see all that lies beyond my little world. Whatever the case, I'm beginning to believe again, and maybe that's the reason for Autumn anyway.

I'm looking forward more than ever now to cubicle humor!

Curse the TV writer's strike... not that I really blame them, though.

Halloween Greetings

2007-10-31T10:38:00.000-04:00

Well, it's Halloween, and I'm not sure I even have plans for tonight. Jess wants to get dressed up (in normal clothes) and go out for drinks, which is cool, but I was kind of hoping to find a way to celebrate the holiday. What I really want is to take someone's kids out Trick-or-Treating, and see all the other little kids' costumes and all. Man, I miss that.

Why does getting old have to be so dull? Who wants men and alcohol when you could have the joy of discovering that someone dropped an entire Snickers Bar into your plastic Jack-O-Lantern? Those were the days, man. And God bless the whole candy bar type of people! I hope I'm like that when I have a house and a little extra cash. Then there's the great trade-off with your siblings when you get home: “I'll trade you three packs of SweetTarts for your mini-pack of Rolos...” “No way, man... flavored chalk for caramel and chocolate? Rolos are worth at least five SweetTarts!”

This is by far my favorite season. Something happens to me in Autumn that doesn't happen in any other season. I believe in things when leaves are falling that I'm too afraid to believe in otherwise. It's as if nature says: “well, I'm dying anyway... here are all my secrets!” You hear them whispered everywhere, and if you're willing to listen, you get to experience beauty like no other.

Not to freak anyone out or anything, but I'd like to die in Autumn someday. I think it would be so poetic! A slow letting go as the world fades... and I could write about what it feels like to let go, so maybe other people wouldn't be so afraid of it. I've never really been afraid of death, but then again I've never been immediately faced with it either. Except for maybe when I almost drowned white-water rafting. But I may not have been as close to death as I thought. I have a feeling that death is really cool. I love the mystery of it. No one ever comes back to tell us what it's like. Why, though? Everyone wants to know, but none of us get to until we cross over ourselves. I think Tolkien had it right when he described it as a new adventure... white shores, and a Beyond.

Interestingly enough, I didn't believe in Heaven for a long time. I didn't talk about it much, so not many people know this about me. But I honestly didn't believe it. I'm not sure why... maybe it was just one of those “too good to be true” kinds of things, or maybe I just didn't have enough theological background, or maybe like most other things in my life, I was just too afraid to believe. But I remember it used to piss me off that my life was so boring, because I thought this was my only chance.

Honestly, I'm not sure exactly what I believe now, but I do believe there's more to it than we can see. There is definitely something after life, and I'd bet its better than all this stuff. Maybe even better than dressing up and Halloween candy. Can you imagine?

I've gotta get to work now. Happy Halloween, everyone!

The Cost of Toilet Paper and Other Bummers of Singleness

2007-10-29T18:30:00.000-04:00

Let me just say that I am looking forward to the day when I can go to the grocery store and buy pretty much whatever I want without having to consider what I may be sacrificing... such as gas, eating out, hanging out, or getting bills paid. Perhaps that sounds shallow, but I recently made a $70 grocery shopping experience last three full weeks and I nearly starved to death. Ironically, because of the stress of it all (and quite possibly my aversion to working out), I didn't lose any weight... and maybe even gained a few pounds. Amazing, really. Another useless talent I find that I possess: gaining weight by eating smaller portions.

So I'm coming close to running out of toilet paper, but I haven't bought any yet because I have to be sure I can make rent. I'm not even exaggerating. The price of toilet paper is atrocious. I considered taking a roll or two from the bathroom in Wal-mart when I was out today, and then realized that it was, in fact, stealing if you take the whole roll instead of just using the necessary amount. Too bad, really. That's one of those gray areas, though. How much toilet paper can you use in one sitting before it becomes stealing? Does it become stealing only if you decide to keep some of it for emergencies? If you're poor enough, you start to ponder these kinds of things.

I'm thinking of asking for a 24-pack for Christmas... and not that lousy Angel Soft, either, but the good kind. Real toilet paper. That's what I'm looking forward to most in life these days. Pretty sad, right? I've kind of given up hoping some awesome guy will take me out on a date. What I really look forward to is buying name-brand groceries. This is what working retail for too long will do to you.

I hung out with this awesome guy recently who was worried that his current salary wouldn't be enough to support a wife and kids, and I was laughing to myself, because he makes more than five times what I make. I was thinking also that I may make a great wife someday because of my excellent budgeting skills. I know how to not spend money if I have to. I hate it, but at least I know how. I'm just hoping that when I get out of this stage of life I'll never have to do this again, at least to this extent, but it's probably wishful thinking. At least I already know I won't need a rich guy, which widens my horizons a bit, because anyone who makes more than I do looks rich to me. And if you own a car that still runs for the most part, that's pretty dang sexy too.

Singleness is such an odd state of existence. There are things I enjoy about it, but I'll be honest, I'm not sure things were supposed to work this way. I think maybe I don't fit in the business world because I'm not designed to sit in an office all day. I think I'm great with kids but get frustrated with other people's kids because I was supposed to have my own. I think the reason I need a flexible schedule and a self-paced work environment is because I'm supposed to be a writer...

I'm not saying these things won't happen in my life someday, but they haven't happened yet. I often wonder if it's not because I was created for something totally different from the life I find myself living. I feel like a square peg being forced into a circle (a note of thanks to Meleah for this analogy). You might be able to make it fit, but there will be gaps left... and they reside mainly in my heart these days. The weird thing is, I'm happier and healthier than I have ever been, and growing more so by the day. It's just when I have down time, like this, or when I feel melancholy enough to be sensitive to it, I notice that little tug on my heart that tells me something's not right yet. Will it ever be right, though? I haven't figured that out yet. I think I'm still waiting to see.

I do know it gets better than this, though. I won't always stand in the toilet paper aisle for ten minutes comparing prices... so help me, Jesus! I had an interview this morning, that I guess went well. I don't think I said anything stupid, but I have this feeling like I'm not going to get the job, too. I'm trying not to stress about it. Maybe there's something else just around the corner if this doesn't work out. It would just be nice to have some financial stability in this season of my life. I find I am more emotionally vulnerable as I become more honest with myself and real with those around me. These are good things, don't get me wrong, but I would enjoy it all so much more if I could walk through it without so much fear. Most of my fear comes from my lack of finances, hence I am less emotionally stable than I'd like to be because of my work situation.

But God hears me. He's heard me ask about where I fit in the working world for a long time, and there's no reason I should believe He'll do nothing about my current needs. Even for toilet paper. That's the beauty of this God, over the one I thought was real for so long. I'm so glad I was wrong! There's just no telling what will happen next...

Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head

2007-10-22T14:48:00.000-04:00

So I'm sitting on my porch watching the rain, and I'm excited to be online! No, I didn't find the extra money for a wireless router... but sometimes when it rains I'm able to steal the neighbors' internet from the porch. I don't think it's immoral... I like to think of it as a blessing. :)

What's new in my world? I'm suddenly addicted to texting and I'm probably going to need a new phone plan because I keep going over my minutes! I guess it's the price of having friends... and a lousy cell plan. I'm also nuts about The Office, and I'm trying to catch up on the first three seasons so I know what's going on this year. Love that show! Jim is totally my TV crush! But I also love Dwight... how can you not? Anyway, don't get me started on all of that!

What would I change and what am I hoping for in the next month? A new job, definitely. One that pays well, is somewhat flexible, allows for vacation time (so I can see my neice when she's born and possibly go on a cruise with my bro and his friends this year!), and isn't something I hate doing every morning. Am I asking too much? Maybe. But I was never exactly taught to aim high, and it can't hurt to attempt it now. I'm only 25, after all (yes, I am trying to convince myself that that's not very old!)

Actually, my current job has been better because they finally listened to me when I told them that I'm burnt out from customer service and need a break, so I'm doing shipment and displays again. It's hard work, but I actually prefer that. I don't mind being nice to people or helping them find shirts, but it depresses me to think that I got a college degree to open fitting room doors for people with real jobs.

As far as what I would change goes... I wish my confidence was healing faster (though I am doing a bit better in that department) and I wish I had a better idea of what the heck I'm going to do with my life. My new group of friends have been really affirming me as a writer, though, and that helps a lot. I always knew I was a writer, and people have told me I'm a good writer even, but I've never had so many people react so postively to the mention of my potential creativity. I think the creative side of my brain is listening, and perhaps when inspiration strikes, I'll be a bit braver and try something new...

Really, I think this period of my life is going to be extremely helpful for directing me to a better future. That's a little complicated, but simply put, I think I will look back on these months of my life and say: "That was my turning point. Those people are responsible for helping me become who I am..." Everyone who stands up in front of people and shares their story has a point in the story that's like that. I never knew, or never believed, that it would happen to me. But I guess God is writing my story after all.

Part of me cringes at that last sentence I wrote. Am I becoming a Cheeseball Christian? I hope not. I really am sincere. I think it says something that, despite all my attempted resistance, I'm still not able to keep it to myself that my life is being transformed, and that, beyond anything I've done for myself, suddenly and to a certain degree mysteriously, my whole world has changed and is continuing to change for the better. I think that was way more than a run-on sentence, but forgive me... I'm still working through all of this. It's hard to accept sometimes, and even harder to express, even in writing.

Basically, I'm falling in love with life without even trying. You know how sometimes you just love someone, even if they don't know you exist and no matter how hard you try not to, you just do? Yeah. That's what's happening in my heart these days. I'm still afraid... but... the love I've recieved from my friends, and begun to perceive from God (?) is enough to make my heart fall hard. And I'm slowly letting go of the fear that was all I knew for so long...

Perfect love casts out fear, they say... I never knew what that meant before.

Speaking of fear, I need to clean my room today. What a nightmare. But it will be so nice when it's done. I guess I should get started on that now.

Spider Sense or Season?

2007-10-17T10:21:00.000-04:00

Last night I laid down to sleep, and something just didn't feel right. At first I tried to ignore it, but when that feeling won't go away, it can keep you up for hours, so I sat up in bed and fumbled for the light. Once illuminated, I could see the cause of disturbance... there was a large spider on the wall right above my head. How did I know, in the dark, that certain doom was creeping its hairy way towards my face? No idea. Sometimes I just get a weird sixth sense about things, and this happened to be one of them. Once, in college, I startled awake from a dream and there actually was a spider on my face, and I beat the living tar out of him on my pillow with a flip flop, without even waking my roommate. Spider sense? Who knows.

So really, the spiders are about the only thing I don't like about Autumn, and even they aren't so bad if they're not on or near my person. This year I'm not sure we'll get as many of the awesome colors, because it's been so hot that I'm afraid the leaves are just going to give up and jump off without the transformation. Right now the weather is awesome, and I'd love to spend all day in my pajamas, drinking chai and blogging, as I'm doing now. If only I got paid to do this...

Speaking of, I've got an interview with a temp agency at 1:00, and I'm pretty freakin nervous. I hope they can actually find something that fits me, at least a little. I'm still not sure what kind of job I'd really be good at, honestly, so I'm hoping they can figure it out! :) I know it doesn't really work that way, but hopefully this will give me an opportunity to try something new and see if it works.

Wish me luck!

And here's the question of the day: Do you think it's possible for people to have Sixth Sense?

The October Post

2007-10-14T19:54:00.000-04:00

So I finally made it out to Panera to do some much-needed Internet errands, including updating my blog. It's been a crazy weekend at work and I feel like I'm wasting my life away indoors, so sitting outside in the cool evening air is a real blessing. I need to do this more often. It is perfect hoodie weather, and I love it.

Things are going well these days. I'm shocked to say it, but it's completely true. I still need a much better job but even that hasn't been as bad as it could be. I love the people I work with so much that it will be really difficult to leave, even though I desperately need a new situation and a lot more money. I just really don't want to be there through the holidays... I'm already working on a "Guide To Inconsiderate Shopping Habits" which I will post here when it's finished. I imagine Thanksgiving and Christmas may push my growing cynicism over the limit.

Church is good, though I haven't been in a couple of weeks, due to work and being out of town. I'm really getting to know some people and it's awesome. I guess when I graduated college I thought all the deep friendships were over, but that's definitely not true. Now I find myself with awesome friends that have even a little more depth to them, just because they've lived a little outside of college life. I love that in reality I know nothing about life! :) I always assume the worst, and now I'm finding it's all completely different than I had imagined... which is awesome. I'm really loving it!

Well, I know this post is neither very creative nor interesting, but to me it just feels good to be writing again. There'll be plenty of time for creativity later on. I just hate that I haven't written since September, and I had to post something finally. I think I wrote some posts I never published, so I'll have to look through Word and find out where I hid them.

Mostly my days have just been work, sleeping when I can, hanging out with whoever will let me, and generally just enjoying life... in some ways for the first time. I feel like I never understood grace before this season of my life. Suddenly things that had been clouded to me for years have been revealed, as if I stared at an abstract painting long enough to discover its depth of meaning, and found it to be exactly what I've always wanted on my wall...

I need to go, because I've gotta get to bed early tonight. Tomorrow I start work at 6AM. I always meet the construction workers from the apartments across from us in the parking lot and nod a sleepy greeting to them, with my hands full of bagged lunch, keys, and coffee. They always stare back, confused. Why would I be up so early? I ask myself the same question every time. At least they get paid well for their hard work!

But this is all soon to change... I feel it in the wind. Or, perhaps just in the steadily dwindling bank account and mounting credit card debt. Either I get a better job or a second one... and by the end of the month!

Hopefully I'll be writing again soon.

Potentially Brutal Honesty

2007-09-18T16:45:00.001-04:00

Hey there.

I wrote this a few days ago, and although I am a little less cynical than I was when I first wrote it, I'm going to go ahead and post it because it illustrates some of the life changes I've been experiencing lately.

Enjoy...

Sept. 11

I have a lot of catching up to do, it seems. The good news is, my life is totally different from what I was living last I wrote (in August). Much has changed for the better. I finally moved to Chattanooga, and I really enjoy the area I'm living in. I've also gotten re-involved in the church I've been wandering in and out of for about five years now, and that has changed a lot of things for me.

The singles group at this church is amazing. I still don't know exactly what I believe about God, and I still have a lot of doubts about his “love” because of some of the things that have happened to me, but I'm definitely reconsidering some of my previous doubts. And, though I never thought I'd say it, I'm really enjoying being in church again. Maybe I had to step away for awhile so that I could better appreciate this time of reunion.

But I don't want to lose myself in all of this, because I've done it before and I'm hesitant to go down that road again. I had what I believed to be “faith” in college, that now I'm pretty sure was just denial. Sometimes Christians have that tendency to dislocate themselves from reality, and start saying strange and uncomforting things like: “All the awful things that happened to you passed through the hands of a loving God,” or even resort to speaking a different language: “The seeds have been planted, brothers and sisters; the harvest is ripe.”

What the crap are we really trying to say here? I know the English language is limited, but let's try to use what's left of it well, shall we?

I really don't want to become one of those people with glossy eyes that acts like life has never been difficult, or that somehow life's tragedies are unimportant because of religion. I don't want to smile when I'm dying inside or fake belief in something I have no knowledge about. I don't want to stop living in this world just because I believe there's another out there. I don't think we were ever intended to do that.

Perhaps I'm speaking blasphemy. But while I'm on the subject, I may as well get it all out there. I still don't entirely get the worship aspect of all of this. Someone suggested to me that maybe I just worship differently than a lot of folks, and I think this must be true. I watch a sunset, or go hiking, or feel the sunshine on my skin, and my heart responds in what I believe to be worship. But cheesy Christianized songs and the threat of being called upon to pray out loud has never done it for me. I can sit down and write for hours on end, or drink in the varied sensations of a cup of coffee, or sleep until lunchtime and stay snuggled up in the covers for another hour after I'm awake, longing to know my Creator intimately, but I feel awkward and self-conscious if I'm raising my hands or trying to sing something I don't feel.

I wonder if there's something wrong with me, or if I should just accept my uniqueness and worship in the way that comes naturally?

I don't mean to sound bitter. I've been disappointed so many times before, and the truth is, I'm just afraid. I'm afraid of waking up and finding it's not real, of being rejected by those I hope to create relationship with, of always being an outcast because I never find a way to connect, or to “worship” and receive that mysterious gladness the way everyone else does. Sometimes I just don't “get” the God stuff, and that scares me. Maybe it just takes time.

But I'm ready for something. I'm ready for change. I'm ready for my life to have meaning, for my emotions to be rooted in something real, to move towards the hope of a future I could be excited about. I'm ready to leave the blackness of despair behind, to find healing from my past and move forward to hope, and maybe even – dare I ask for it - happiness. Maybe I could even find a way to accept and believe in myself... that could change everything.

Christians believe they have the answers to all of my questions, so I'm willing to give it another try. What do I lose if they're wrong? Only a life I had been growing to hate. But maybe all that is almost over. Maybe a new day is truly dawning. Maybe I made it through to the other side, and maybe change is finally here.

All I know is, these people love me and each other in a way I've never witnessed before. And I want to be part of what they have.

Teeny Tiny Update

2007-09-15T15:09:00.000-04:00

Hey Everyone,

I haven't passed out of the land of the living, it's just that my life has changed so drastically that I almost feel like I have. Pretty much everything has changed but my job status and my ever-present insecurities about myself! But hopefully those are soon to change as well.

I have written much in the last few weeks but it was during a season of much introspection and, consequently, depression, so I'm not entirely sure if it's "postworthy." We'll see how daring I become in the next couple of days. Prepare to be potentially offended by my honesty, as I grasp for truth and stability in my changing life...

I miss getting comments. You all need to post more! ;]

I'll write again soon.

This is Where We Used to Live

2007-08-10T15:44:00.000-04:00

This should be my last day in the old apartment. I'm sitting on the floor, because there's no furniture left, and I just remembered that I didn't bring the vacuum from the Chattanooga apartment. *sigh* I moved the last official load yesterday; today's just for clean-up, and grabbing the last little scraps. I may see what I can salvage from the refridgerator as well.

But I guess you could say that life is getting back to good again. I need to stop posting when I'm miserable, because that's not the only thing I'm feeling these days. It's just been really hard lately, in just about every area of my life, and I've never had much of a talent for coping. Still, here I am, leaving behind another stage of life and stepping out into another unknown. I'm looking forward to the new friends I'm bound to make, and new experiences I'm bound to get caught up in.

The next step, for sure, is finding a better job. People have been pressuring me to pick a career, but I'm thinking I may just look for a full-time, better paying, closer-to-the-new-place job, and see what happens. The truth is, other than writing, I don't really want to have a career. My main goal is to not get behind on my bills and eventually pay off my student loans. I'm still not opposed to grad school, but I'll have to see if I can afford it. So tempting, though. I hate deadlines with a passion, but I'm also not good at motivating myself to do anything unless I have an assignment, so it's a Catch-22.

I wish I could be one of those people who believes that God has something very specific planned for your life, and that as long as you're not choosing to live in sin, He'll lead you along the path He chose for you -- but I'm not. I think we are given opportunities, and sometimes no opportunities at all, and whatever you choose, there will be good and bad in it, and you have to choose how you bear the burdens of life no matter what. I hate it that way, but in my experience, that's the way things are.

I'd love to believe something different. I'd love to just pick a new job, any job, believing that there's a God out there using every choice I make to lead me to something or someone great. I'd love to believe that I'm right on the verge of something that's perfect for me. But I don't believe that anymore. I think I take a big risk trying to find a new job, because I could end up totally hating it and scrambling to find something else, which may in turn be equally awful. Perhaps I have been burned too often in the job search and it has made me cynical.

Whatever the case, I am nervous about searching for a job. I know I don't interview well. I have confidence issues. I don't know what I'd be good at. I'm afraid of getting involved in something and then letting people down, etc. It's all a major struggle for me. But I guess I have to just do it anyway and hope for the best.

I've got a lot to do, so I may write more later. This one wasn't so depressing... just honest! =]

By the way, I've had that "Barenakedladies" song in my head all day... "Broke into the old apartment... this is where we used to live..."

Man, 90's music was good.

Chaos

2007-08-04T13:36:00.000-04:00

I've never been good at handling the in-between stages of life. For instance: moving. I'm terrible at it. I get completely emotionally overwhelmed, and that is exactly where I am right now. There is chaos at my old apartment, chaos at the new apartment, and because it's tax-free weekend, even more chaos at work. I'm completely broke because of all the deposits and start-up fees and whatnot, but I need to buy groceries at the new place so I'm not eating out all the time. Needless to say, I'm not doing so well.

It's an hour drive between my apartments, and I've just been loading up my Honda and taking load after load. I've spent a lot of money in gas, but in some ways it's worth it, because that is the only peace I get during the day... that hour of solitude before getting or dropping off another load of my crap. Today I just broke down completely, and cried nearly the entire hour to the old apartment.

And they say these are the best days of my life. In that case, my only hope is that I die young! At least then I wouldn't have to waste my time at a job I hate, when all I really want to do is write.

Does it ever get better than this?

A Glimpse of July

2007-07-29T10:36:00.000-04:00

Well, it has been so long since I have written that I don't even know where to begin. Let me just give a quick overview:

I spent last week in PA, visiting my family for a celebration of birthdays. My nephew is now 2 years old and... alas... I am 25. But I had a very fun birthday celebration, complete with "fwimming" in my nephew's inflatible pool (his invitation was: "Ah-Jo? Ah-fwim!" before running out onto the deck!) I also got some really cool stuff for the new apartment.

For my birthday from one of my sisters, I got to go out at midnight and purchase the last Harry Potter novel, and I loved it! Very satisfactory end to the series. I was completely wrong on the majority of my theories, but I loved it nonetheless. Three cheers for Jo Rowling! I did not expect it to end as happily as it did. More on that in a later post, I'm sure.

After returning overnight to Tennessee I headed off on another out-of-state venture to Lawrenceville, GA, to see the Medieval Times Dinner Theater. Man, was it incredible! If it's the month of your birthday, you get to go free. I would highly recommend it. Quite entertaining, excellent food,"A Knight to Remember" as they say.

So, now that all my fun and travels are over, I reluctantly return to work and "normal" life for a few days, and next week I'll spend moving into the new place. Hopefully it will be a place where I can truly make a new start. I am in desperate need of a fresh perspective, a change of routine, a new lifestyle entirely. I hope I have what it takes to make that happen.

That's all for now. Wish me luck at work tonight!

Harry Potter and the Anxiously Awaiting Fans

2007-07-13T17:58:00.001-04:00

So, I think the new book should be labeled: "Harry Potter and the Anxiously Awaiting Fans." Only five more days. I'm going crazy.

Does he die or not die? I can't stand it anymore!!

I'll admit, though, that I almost want him to die so that other people can live. I know that sounds awful, but... okay... here's what I'm thinking: Rowling won't kill off all three main characters, nor will she be able to let all of them live. Out of the three of them, Harry has the best chance of leading a broken and miserable life. Don't get angry, it's true. Think about it. What would he do after destroying Voldemort? His life purpose is suddenly vanquished. Ron and Hermione at least have each other, and they could move on despite the hard past. In fact, I think going through all of that would end up drawing them closer together. It works.

I'm afraid, though, that if Harry dies, so will Ginny. But if Harry doesn't die, probably Ron or Hermione, or maybe both, will die protecting him. I'm certain Hagrid will kick the bucket. He's just too good and pure a character to keep living. I'm not saying I want it this way, I'm just saying this is the way I think it is.

Apart from that... I have no idea. Possibly Mcgonagall, since she has taken the place of Dumbledore. As far as story line... I don't really know. Rowling always surprises me.
That's going to have to be all for right now... I may write more later. Just wanted to get my predictions out before the book comes out, so I can really say "Ha! I guessed it!" Even though... I kindof guessed most possible outcomes...

Oh, and I'm going to Pennsylvania this week! Woohoo!!

In Search of a Story

2007-07-07T21:57:00.000-04:00

Hello, friends.

I'm a little lonely tonight, with a lot on my mind.

I've spent the past couple of hours (oh, who am I kidding? More like 3 or 4!) looking for jobs in Chatty, reading random blog postings, watching J.K. Rowling interviews on YouTube... who could ask for more on a Saturday night?

I can't help but wish inspiration would hit me. Books used to come so easily when I was a child. And even a teenager. In fact, I think I could write well until I went to college and learned the format of an essay. It was all downhill from there. I try to give my writing structure, and it all falls apart. For some reason, my creativity got squashed in college and has not yet made a full recovery. I'm still seeking answers as to why.

Still, my best work is definitely my journal. Not this one, but my personal journal, hand-written, which I've been keeping since I was like 11 or something. There I have been so brutally honest. Here, I have to watch what I say... so it doesn't offend anyone, or get to the wrong ears, or encourage some internet scumbag to continue his stalking habits. Here, everything is fairly well edited, and though I don't have a true "structure" I feel like I lose a lot in the quest to be acceptable to all audiences. Although I still want to be a writer, more than anything, I wonder sometimes how published writers do it. Perhaps I am not yet mature enough to have learned the balance of diplomacy and honest commentary on universal issues.

If only I could write both honestly and for the public. Supposedly I can... you know, Freedom of Speech and all, but I am not yet prepared to live with the consequences of writing fearlessly. I have let a select few people read some of my personal journal entries and it was one of the scariest things I have ever done. Those who have read what I write when I am writing straight from the heart have saturated me with praise. I don't know what to do with this. I have been told I am a born writer. All I know is, it is the one thing I cannot live without. To me, it is like oxygen... or dark chocolate.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I am searching for my story. All my life I have been seeking it, and I had hoped it would come by now. J.K. Rowling was 25 when Harry Potter appeared to her on the train. I can only hope and pray that my story finds me soon.

I am thirsty for the writing life, though I know it will be a hard road. One of my dearest friends told me this week that I need to start at least writing articles, sending them out to magazines, and begin my collection of rejection letters. I know she is right, I just don't know what to write about yet. But I think I'm supposed to be a writer, if there is such a thing as "supposed to be," because none of these other jobs sound even close to what I really want.

Do you think God has a plan for my life and if I'm living it right I'll find my way into the writing life? Or did He give me the gift of writing and leave me here to figure it all out on my own? Am I missing something here? Is it just not time yet, or is there something wrong with me that blocks my motivation to write for publication right now?

Then again, though I may not feel it these days, I am pretty young. Most writers don't get published until they're in their 40's, and still more aren't published until after their death. That's a comforting thought. That means I'll have to have some lousy career for the rest of my life, and keep writing without knowing whether it will ever have meaning for anyone.

But I will keep writing. I know that much. I don't really care if I never get any recognition for it. I know in my heart that I'm supposed to write, that I love to write, and that I cannot not write. Maybe a publisher will choose to see that in my lifetime and maybe not, but it won't really matter either way.

I will be a writer either way. ever in search of my great story...

Why Don't You Choo-Choo Me Home?

2007-07-06T19:26:00.000-04:00

Just a quick update this time. I have decided to stay in Chattanooga and room with Chloe, a girl I know from work. We're looking for apartments close to where she goes to college, and closer to the city itself so that I can potentially get a better job. As soon as I get my stuff moved, the job search starts again.

I didn't think that I'd be this excited, just moving a little closer to the city I've lived around for the past 6 years... I must really love it here. The thought of being close to town is comforting. Sure, it's no adventure in New Zealand, but part of me needs a sort of security I've never had... the kind that comes from being somewhere you want to be, and being able to stay as long as you want. Chattanooga has long been where I want to be. I hope I take advantage of all it has to offer this time.

Not much else to tell. I am still afraid of the choice I have made, but I must move on with life. I have seen too many people whose lives are consumed by fear, and I want no part of it. Some day, perhaps, I will get to see other lands and write about them. For now, I'd just like to get a good job and put some money in the bank and let life slow down just a bit, if possible. Part of me really just wants a "normal" life here. I wonder if it will ever be so?

I should go, and get ready for the evening. I'm finally going out tonight! I'll do a movie review when I get back...

On Dreams...

2007-06-30T21:46:00.000-04:00

Much on my mind these days.

Many life-altering decisions to make, and I feel incapable of making them well. This seems to be the point in life where I have to choose which dreams I allow the possibility of life, and which I abandon and leave for dead.

I suppose there isn't any way to keep the heart from being torn a bit, in the midst of the choosing... no matter which way you choose, you lose something, you gain something; you can't look back. I wish it could be different. There are so many dreams I wanted to keep...

There are many things I can't express right now. Others have already said it better than I. Tonight I find myself alone, with a question burning in my mind...

Langston Hughes

A Dream Deferred

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up

like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore--

And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?

Or crust and sugar over--

like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags

like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

The Long and Short of Vacationing

2007-06-26T10:26:00.000-04:00

Hello, All!

I just got back (late last night) from visiting my brother in Charleston, SC. We were there only three short days (three days was all the time off we could afford since Ben and I both work retail), but man did we do a lot in those three days!

Let's see... we went to the beach three times, rented three movies, ate out... you guessed it, three times, and also found time to see the new Evan Almighty in theaters, made iced coffees (thanks to Ben's free Starbuck's pound!), and had our first kayaking experience! I am very, very sore.

Recommendations:

1) Terraza coffee from Starbucks, on ice, with International Delight Irish Cream Coffee Creamer. Man... it's good.

2) Taking a Charleston Ghost Walk (we didn't get to go this time, but I've been before and they are spoooooky cool!)

3) Steinbeck's The Pearl. That's not something you have to be in Charleston to read, I just happened to pick it up in the morning when the guys were still sleeping. It's sad (obviously, it's Steinbeck!), but incredibly written.

4) The movie "Ghost Rider." Terrible movie, but hilarious. The dialog had us rolling.

5) The Seafood Alfredo from an awesome restaurant right on the water called RB's. Their sweet tea is also amazing.

6) And finally, staying in Chris's 3-bedroom (are we noticing a theme here??) condo and mooching off his depth of generosity!

Also, if you can make time for it whenever you're in the area, go to Kaminsky's for an out-of-this-world dessert experience (sorry man, couldn't resist!).

All in all, it was an extremely tiring and fun trip! I finally bought a Peace Frogs shirt and a sticker for my car. Jack's birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks (I have to find the title and discover when exactly he was signed over to me), and I'm going to celebrate by decorating him with stickers. Yaayyy!!

So... now the hard stuff begins, because I really have no excuse anymore for not cleaning up my apartment and finding a job. My next vacation won't be until the end of July, and that gives me at least a month to get my life sorted out, which ought to be enough time, but inevitably won't be. But look at me, pretending my life is difficult because I need a better job and happen to leave messes in my space. No, I realize that I am very blessed and that things will be changing for me soon, it's only a matter of time.

One more plug before I go. Kayaking. Man, is it awesome! I'll admit, it took me a long time to be convinced. I am not exactly the rugged type, nor am I incredibly in shape at the moment, but in the end I have to say that I really enjoyed it. Go in the morning, though, when it's not as hot. I can't imagine that heat, sitting in a little boat, in the afternoon. I was a sticky, sweaty mess when the tour was over, but I have to say it was enjoyable nonetheless. I think it is something I could definitely get into if I had the money. How much do kayaks cost anyway?

I was very clumsy with it all, and kept running into people and docks. Luckily, I never wrecked any of the expensive boats in the harbor we passed through, or had any major disasters. Just felt sore, tired, sweaty, and clumsy, and pressed on anyway. Somehow I think there's a metaphor for life in there, but I'm not desperate enough to dig for it just now. In the end, I think I may have been really getting the hang of it. Who knows, when I'm a rich and famous author sometime in the near future, I just might take up kayaking to escape the pressures of my fame and fortune. By then I'll even have enough to tip the tour guide!

If only...

A Day in the Life of Me

2007-06-20T11:10:00.000-04:00

My thoughts are scattered everywhere this morning. I’ve worked a lot, and I was hoping to have a day to sleep in, but as you can see, have not had any luck.

7:20AM: My manager calls to ask if I can come in to work early. I’m not supposed to have to go to work until 2:00, so I’m pretty happy to be awakened at 7:20. I curse at the still-ringing phone and yell: “No, I will not go in early!!!” to the empty room. I lie back down grumpily; eventually I drift off again.

9:06AM: My sleepy brain ponders the fact that someone is knocking at the door. If I ignore them, they will go away, Sleepy Brain explains. Sounds good to me. Two seconds later, the phone rings again. My landlord (and friend), very cheerful, amused at Sleepy Brain. Oh, right. I forgot the Exterminator is coming at 9:00. That explains the knocking. “Will he care if I’m in my pajamas?” Much laughter on the other end of the line.

9:17ish: Another knock at the door. The Exterminator. I walk to the door, picturing an overweight man in his 40’s, who probably won’t be much for conversation, and probably has a gazillion daughters, and therefore won’t mind the PJs, or the mess. Open the door. Blonde dude, probably 22, looks at me awkwardly and comes inside. Surveys the boxes and piles of junk everywhere. “You just moved in?” he says. “Yes,” I say. Two months ago. Crap, why couldn’t I have just put on some jeans? We try to make small talk, while he squirts poison around my apartment with a miniature chrome vacuum. I ponder the fact that roaches survive nuclear radiation… so what kind of stuff does it take to actually kill them?

9:25: Exterminator leaves. He tells me not to have too much fun. I wonder if he thinks I had a wild party and that’s how my place got to be such a mess? Nope. Did this all by myself. I consider cleaning up a bit. Instead, I get online and look for jobs.

10:30: Make some coffee. Try not to breathe in roach poison. Try to ignore coughing. Decide to blog about morning excursions for other’s amusement. Haven’t called my manager back. Not planning on going in early. The four hours I have to stand in the fitting room will be enough for one day. Ponder my limited job options. Read other people’s blogs at random. Find a girl who’s writing about all her experiences overseas this summer. Apparently she found a way to afford to go overseas and write. Still embarrassed about the pajamas. Wish I were overseas writing about excursions. What am I supposed to do with my life?

10:41: Get up to get a cup of coffee. Discover I’m out of creamer. Not going to the store to buy some, because I’m leaving tomorrow for Charleston (woohoo!). Also, my milk is expired. No cereal for me. Come back to write some more, drinking Kenya roast black. Bleh. Not bad with creamer, though. I still like Guatemala roast, which got left in Greenville.

I should probably shower and start getting ready for work. Maybe I’ll go in an hour early, make a little more money. Save for overseas excursions someday. Too bad Peace Corps doesn’t do Europe.

I’ll try to write more tonight.

My Best Friend's Wedding

2007-06-19T19:53:00.000-04:00

Hello.

I know it's been awhile. I've had a busy week and haven't gotten around to writing until now. I spent the past weekend in Greenville, SC, for my best friend's wedding. It was great. I made all kinds of new friends and now I'm considering moving back to the Greenville area... we'll see what happens. It all depends on if I can find a job.

So the wedding was beautiful, and the bachelorette party beforehand was one of the most incredible evenings I've ever spent. We had a scavenger hunt, which ranged from asking single guys for their business cards, to finding a cop and asking if we could get a picture of the bride-to-be handcuffed. This was not allowed, however, because he said if a video ended up on YouTube he'd lose his job. He consented to let us take a picture of his handcuffs lying on the table instead. So, there you go.

One of the highlights of the evening, in my opinion, was the instructional belly dancing video we rented from the library. Picture about 7 girls in a hotel room in their pajamas, very much wired, having just eaten brownie sundaes with sparkling grape juice (no alcohol, because over half the girls weren't 21 yet, but trust me, we didn't need it), attempting to learn how to belly dance from a Russian Nite Club Dancer, who had a strange resemblance to a cross between Cher and... a man. Not even joking. She had muscles where I'm pretty certain muscles don't exist. And the video was not as "instructional" as it was advertised, so... let's just say we didn't learn a whole lot, but were extremely entertained, so it was worth it.

So now another dear friend of mine is married, and I'm left pondering what I'm going to do with my life. Sometimes I wish the decision weren't left to me. Maybe that's just Youngest Child Syndrome. But I’m pretty sure everyone goes through this, to some extent. Still, I couldn’t help feeling a little “I wish that were me” as they exchanged their vows, with adoring eyes turned upon each other. Too bad it takes two.

But I'm actually considering grad school, which is something I've never really considered before because of the expense. There's a school called Bread Loaf School of English that has a really awesome course for people who want to be writers or want to teach writing. It's three summers long and not as expensive as I'd feared it would be. If I took a nanny job with minimal expenses (I'm talking to a family in Clemson!), I'd be able to save a lot, and potentially still have a job when I came back from the summer schooling. It sounds promising at this point. We'll see what happens.

On the other hand, I could potentially stay here and work in a local coffee shop. I know the owner, and he said if I was interested in staying around long-term I might be able to work for him. Do I want to stay here long-term? That is the question. What do I really have here that's worth staying for? Do I have anything anywhere else that’s worth going for? Nothing comes to mind, sadly. Where do other people get their motivation from?

Clemson might be fun for awhile, but I've already lived in several areas of the Southeast. Shouldn't I try something else for a change? If I wasn't going to be a nanny, what other jobs would I be good at?

People keep suggesting I work for a magazine or newspaper. I don't know if I'm concise enough to work for a company like that. To be completely honest, I'm entirely sick of trying to figure out what I'm good at, trying to figure out how to convince some company that I'm wonderful so that I can work for them. It's hard to do when you're not really convinced you want to work for them in the first place.

I think I might be great at being a full-time writer if I could ever come up with a good enough story... I'm working on one, but haven't had much luck getting it out on paper. Every time I try to write it, I find that it's missing something... something... but I don't know what just yet. Maybe just plain life experience. I bet I'll be a great writer when I'm 20 years older, but what can I really write about right now that's relevant and interesting?

Actually, I'm writing a piece for Tara on the bachelorette party, the wedding, and all the goings-on in between. Whenever I get it done, I'll have to post it here. If nothing else, I'll always have writing as a recreational activity, because I thoroughly enjoy its process.

Anyone know any good, inspiring literature that might help me in the writing process? Or any funny stories about weddings or bachelorette parties? I need some inspiration about now. :)

I think that’s all for tonight.

In a Parking Garage Far, Far Away...

2007-06-07T16:09:00.000-04:00

What was the strangest thing that happened to you since last weekend?

This past weekend I was in Knoxville, and… no joke… I witnessed a Storm Trooper walk through the parking garage and get into his SUV. Just picture that for a second. A Storm Trooper, in a parking garage… It was funny, even though I happened to know the context. I met my sister at Adventurecon 2007, a Star Wars (and various other cult classics!) convention and it was actually a lot of fun. For all of you who don’t know me well, yes, I do have some closet nerd tendencies.

And just for the record, Boba Fett is just as awesome in person as he is in the suit. Still very sexy. He said: “Put Commander Solo in the cargo hold,” in that voice, and I about died. It was glorious. I thought I’d gone to Star Wars heaven. Anyway, if you ever get a chance to go to one of these conventions, do. It’s incredible. If for nothing else than seeing the elaborate costumes people wear. I had donned my Strong Bad shirt, which was the geekiest shirt I owned, and even I got compliments on it. I’m telling you, these people are amazing!

I’ve actually got to go to work shortly. And speaking of work, I got a raise!! Which is good… but I’m still probably leaving, as soon as I find a better job… which may be awhile at the rate I’m going. *sigh*

My boyfriend is trying to take apart his motorcycle engine at the moment, so I’m going to go see if he needs any help...

More later!

Serenity... later?

2007-06-02T10:26:00.000-04:00

So, I just tried this Guatemala roast coffee from Starbucks, and man, is it awesome! My morning just got a little better. I was having a pretty lousy morning, actually, and considered not even making coffee, but now I'm glad I did. True story. I'm going to stop, though, before I start sounding like those stupid McDonald's commercials that are like "Susan didn't know she had feet until she tried our coffee... now she walks everywhere!" Whoever came up with that ad campaign deserves a unique and painful experience. Maybe not death, but at least a painful experience of some sort.

Maybe I should go into advertising. I could sell things to college students with an ad like: "We're not going to tell you that something deep inside you needs this product, in fact, you probably don't need it at all, but if you're going to buy it anyway, buy it from us, because it's cheap!" I would buy from people like that. When you're in college (or just out of), every cent saved is one cent closer to a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger. Mmmmm.

So today will be the 11th day in a row that I have worked at my retail job. Sunday is my first day off in a long time. I'm like 98% sure I'm going to quit; the 2% is waiting to confirm with the school that I'll have a job with them through the end of the summer. I'll be able to save some money that way, and either put a down payment on an apartment closer to my dream job that I'm certain to get by August, or spend the money on a plane ticket overseas, to meet a very nice, patient, and unassuming family who wants me to live with them, spend their money, and occasionally babysit while I learn about their culture.

In all seriousness, though, I have been looking for Au Pair jobs. I think it could be cool to go overseas for a year as an Au Pair, and learn about other cultures and ways of life (maybe another language while I help them with English??). But then, it could be a complete disaster, and you pretty much have to take that risk. I'm trying to be realistic while not castrating my dreams and it is a tough balance. Some of the things I want are so outrageously impractical, but if I only live a "practical" life I am miserable too. I wonder where I'm supposed to fit in this world?

But as cyncial as I may be, I can't deny that this is an amazing place, full of mystery and challenge and romance and beauty. That's why I would like to experience more of it. I'm a little afraid... afraid of spending my entire life stuck in some city, sitting among my piles of junk, wishing I had the courage it would take to sell my stuff and get out, and go anywhere. I don't even go downtown Chattanooga by myself. No wonder I feel I have nothing worth writing about!

I suppose I am a Romantic through and through, despite my best efforts to be sensible. But there's a place for us as well, I think it just takes a little longer for us to find our fit because this culture seems to be run by practical, career-driven people. But last month I met this awesome hippie lady who makes incredibly beautiful jewelry and sells it at fairs, and from a little store in her basement, to raise money for an orphanage in Guatemala. I bought some of her earrings and told her I'd pray for the orphanage whenever I wear them, and so far I have remembered to. We talked for a long time, and she was very encouraging, saying that when she was about my age, in the 70's, she lived in her car and sold jewelry so she'd have something to eat.

At first I felt inspired to go out and buy and old VW van and turn it into an art studio, like I've always wanted, and then I realized that it was her contentment that attracted me so much, not just her Bohemian lifestyle. Eventually she found herself. She said she never fit the mold of a career lady and could never hold down a "traditional" job, but that she was happy, through and through, and had found a life of serenity and contentment. She spends months raising money for the orphanage, then goes down and helps out for a few months, then comes back to America and raises more money, etc. Her creations clearly show that she spends a lot of time on them, pays attention to detail, and desires to make something lasting. The best part is, her life work is not really the beads and clasps and wires she works with, but the children whose lives are changed because she cares enough give what she can for them.

I think what I most want is to be a writer who creates something influential and lasting. I don't care so much about personal immortality, but I do care that what I create is something of value, something that reflects the beauty and mystery and hope in this world. I hope that, 30 years from now (and sooner, if possible!), I will be able to say that I have found a life of serenity and contentment, and rest in the knowledge that I have created something beautiful to leave behind. That's something the people who make ads for McDonald's can't say for themselves, however monetarily rich they must be by now.

I think that achieving the kind of life that I hope for will require a decent amount of risk, which I have never been good at. Maybe going overseas will be a first step...?

Same Old Changes

2007-06-01T07:53:00.000-04:00

Well, I haven't written in a long time, because some people complain about me posting too many serious blogs, and nothing really humorous or interesting has happened lately. In fact, it feels like my life has finally settled into a basic routine, and therefore, I think I am going to change it. Sometimes I wonder if I don't have gypsie blood in me from somewhere, because as much as I claim to hate moving around so much (and I do), I never seem to settle in one place for very long before I become restless and change it all up again. Funny how that works.

So I'm still considering job options, and I'm very seriously considering quitting my retail job to work for my old college, cleaning up people's crap again. Honestly, I hate the job, but I've gotta admit that it pays pretty well, plus I'd have almost no commute, plus I'd be guaranteed 40 hours a week, instead of 20-35. So, after figuring it up and realizing I would make at least $1500 more by the end of the summer, I am, as I said, very seriously considering quitting my retail job. Though I will miss the discount terribly, I probably shouldn't be buying more clothes in the first place. I will miss the people too, and that's the hard part.

In other news, I applied for a nanny job in Franklin, Tennessee, which is just outside Nashville. Awesome city, decent pay... seven... children. I know what you're thinking, but it could be really cool. You never know. And if there's one thing I'm sick of lately, it's making just enough to barely pay the bills but not enough to do anything fun when the work day is over. Maybe that's why I'm not funnier when I write... just a thought... ;-)

I don't really know what else to say. I've been working a lot lately, and that is both good and bad. Good because I'm making a little more money, bad because, well, I'm sick of folding clothes and working with a few girls who take this job entirely too seriously.

I think I'm going to go watch a movie, and try not to think about what I'm doing next in life for a bit.

Here's a question for the masses, what's a good TV show I can get hooked on now that LOST is finished for the season?

You know it's getting bad when...

2007-05-27T00:15:00.000-04:00

(Just for the record, all of these things really happened today.)

You know it's bad when...

* You get excited that gas is "down" to $2.92 and you rush to fill your tank.

* You look at your current balance and are delighted to discover you'll still have almost $100 after rent is paid!

* You have to get to work in order to relax and unwind.

* Writing your blog before bed is the highlight of your day.

Today has just been one of those days where the magic just never showed up. I shouldn't complain, because a lot of people have it worse than I, but I'm going to complain anyway. Trust me, it helps. I wish I knew what made today so awful, but I don't know, I only know it was.

I think I'm upset because a lot of my friends are leaving, going off to do other things, and I'm still trying to decide what the heck I'm doing here in the first place, and what I need to try to do next. I keep going back and forth between staying here and trying to get a better job (preferably one I didn't hate), or moving to Nashville to do a year as an Au Pair. I could get some money in the bank and be able to start off a little better this time next year, whether I wanted to move back to Chattanooga, or just move on to something else. It's not a bad option, really.

Here's a funny thing. At work tonight, I was the official "greeter," which meant I stood in the doorway in a ridiculous T-shirt and passed out information on our "weekend special" which is pretty much: if you spend a lot of money here, we'll give you something that's... sort of... free. I had to give the spiel about it all, and it's amazing to me how many people don't want anything for free if it means they have to pause and listen to another human being explain how to get it.

So, by the end of the evening, I had shortened my little speech down to: "Hi, if you spend $50 or more, you get this free." and shoved the little information paper into their hands. I found that people didn't hate me so much if I said it quickly and let it go. If I had shortened it any more, I would have probably sounded like a Cavewoman: "50 dollar... you get free." We were, of course, supposed to explain in detail the various potential benefits, some contest rules, and promote our store's credit card, but morale was low and I didn't have the heart to make anyone's weekend worse.

Somewhere along the way, about halfway through the evening, I guess, I thought to myself... maybe going through an interview and getting an office job wouldn't be so bad after all. One of my co-workers said that if I stayed until Christmas, they would make me dress like an elf, and hand out candy canes with the information taped to them. I want to be in another country by Christmas.

So while I'm standing there, wearing the Official Greeter T-shirt and handing out flyers about potential free stuff (which people reacted to as if I were handing out tracts!), who walks in but one of my old bosses from the day care. I don't really know why, because I am infinitely happier at this job than I was at that, but I felt really freaking embarrassed to know that my old boss now knows that I work in a department store. She asked me how long I'd been working there, and I lied and said it hadn't been very long, and that I was just doing this for fun while I waited to hear back from some of the places I'd put my resume in to.

In my defense, that was the orginal plan, and there are remnants of truth scattered throughout what I said, but things haven't exactly worked out as I'd hoped, and I did make it sound as though I hadn't been working there since February, and that I had put my resume in a bunch of places... not just two... and that I do this job for fun. *sigh*

But I must say, I don't have to separate screaming, fighting children all day or have someone sit me in their office and tell me they need more detailed lesson plans (the lady that came in tonight was the one who always did that), which we will never, ever use because no one can get thirteen five-year-old children to do jack! So... I should be happy for even a "greeter day," which really wasn't so bad, after all.

I must sleep now, because I'm working all day tomorrow too, and I'm exhausted. I'd love to get a few posts adding to the "You know it's getting bad when..." list! I'm sure I'll come up with some more tomorrow...

I Hear the Mermaids Singing...

2007-05-23T00:56:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting here in my apartment, thoroughly enjoying the simple quiet of the evening, and waiting for the caffeine of the day to wear off. A train passes by, singing its lonely song in the night, and I feel a little envious. I want to go, too.

But I love this. I have grown to love this Tennessee, this mountain range, this little town on the outskirts of the great city of Chattanooga. Even down to this little apartment; I love all of this. Am I really willing to let it all go? But if I choose to stay, what am I giving up, what is it that is out there, somewhere, calling me to come and find it? What is supposed to come next in life? Is there a "supposed to" at all?

No one really knows. People will always give advice, and some of it may even be good, but I've given up on finding someone who really knows what needs to happen next. I guess it's my decision, and I guess I'll just have to make something up and go for it. There are no tracks laid out for me to follow to my next destination, like the train. Only choices, millions of choices, and I guess you just pick some and give it your best. I feel like I've been doing that, though, and haven't been very successful so far. I suppose it all depends on how you measure success.

I spent the morning looking at Au Pair/Nanny jobs in exotic places. I do it for fun, but sometimes it leaves me melancholy. I'll say: "I could move to Fiji!" but I know I'll never do it, and so a little part of me is sad, and I wonder what life would be like if I could live without fear. Beautiful, I'd bet. Life would be utterly beautiful. The kind of beauty that is contagious, unmovable, and thoroughly shocking. We need more of that kind of beauty in this world.

Knowing me, though, I'll take a slightly safer route, and move to Franklin, Tennessee. There is a family there that seems genuinely caring and really just needs someone to help out. I have a couple of good friends in Nashville, which is close, and I wouldn't be too far from my friends here... I wouldn't have the stress of wondering if I'll have enough this month to get all the bills paid. But giving all of this up will be hard. And part of me says, "If you're not going to London or New Zealand or somewhere awesome, is it really worth it?"

I don't know. I haven't really lived enough (and by that I don't just mean long enough) to know what's worth what in this world. I feel like I could stand to learn a great deal by moving some place amazing, some place far away from what I've always known. But it's a huge risk, and I'm not so good at risk-taking.

It would be neat to discover what happens to my writing when I'm somewhere else entirely. I wish I could afford to just go, on my own terms, instead of having to take a job somewhere. I wish I could just visit and see. But that isn't the life I live... at least not yet, so I have to go with what I've got. A lot of people don't get to just travel where and whenever they please, so I shouldn't feel so persecuted... but that doesn't mean I can't wish and long for a better day to come.

Maybe I'll hear back from one of these places I've sent my resume to, and then my decision will be easier. But am I certain I want to stay here? Am I that sure that this is where I want to be, even if I get a better job and I'm able to stay? Do I really want to just lead a "normal" life; find work, get married, have babies, grow old...? There is certainly nothing wrong with those things, and I have wanted them all deeply from time to time (and still do). But... if I could have more... and I'm not sure that I can... but if I could... would I?

There is nothing but silence to answer me.

The train is long gone by now, and I cannot follow. The world keeps turning slowly, this beautiful and sometimes horrifying world, with all its wild places that I have never seen. Some days I wonder if I'm not just measuring out my life in coffee spoons, as T.S. Eliot so eloquently put it...

"I hear the mermaids singing, each to each. I do not believe that they will sing for me..."

I wonder, if you find a way, if you go ahead and move to Fiji, do you find just a different manifestation of difficult, or do you finally find what you'd been looking for all along?